View Full Version : Simple Sleeping with/without Partner
I am seeing a trend of couples sleeping in separate bedrooms.
First I learned of a young couple who are moving towards their own rooms because the female partner doesn't like her male partner's snoring and moving around.
Then I read an article on real estate trends and now realtors are seeing people who want two master bedrooms, because more and more people are sleeping apart for comfort reasons.
Then, I was talking to a cousin who is my age and he said that he and his wife are now sleeping in separate bedrooms because he has a Cpap and she doesn't sleep well when she's sleeping in the same bed as he is.
Is this surprising? What does it say about the culture, if anything? No big deal? I remember my grandparents had separate bedrooms and I think it was a trend back in the first half of the 20th century, but what's going on now?
Anyone here care to share their experiences?
As for me, I always start out in the bed. The only thing that forces me out and into the guest bedroom is the dog. Around 5:30 she tries to claim equal space in our queen bed and it just doesn't work. Since DH, like my cousin, has a CPap, it's easier for me to move than him, and I'm too much of a wimp to kick the dog out. Plus, quite honestly, I sleep better in the other room. The mattress is better, and it's quieter. So I finish off my sleep with one or two good hours 3-4 nights a week. But I can't see myself moving into that bedroom permanently. I'd miss being with DH too much.
I think what it says about the culture is that people feel empowered to do what works best for them. I've never been able to share a bed; I was the weirdo who slept in a corner at slumber parties. I had a lengthy relationship with a guy who apparently couldn't sleep alone--thankfully, we never lived together. I've long thought that sleeping in a pile of other people, dogs, children, et cetera harkened back to the days when there was no central heating and people lived in one-room dwellings. I hardly think this trend means the end of civilization as we know it. :laff: In fact, I think it's refreshing that people finally feel free to have their own room and the privacy that comes with that, without feeling the need to apologize.
ApatheticNoMore
3-5-16, 1:01pm
Interesting, I would think the trend would be the reverse give the cost of a 2 bedroom apartment these days, it's not cheap (I know the cost is split, so it's not more than being single and having your own studio probably but definitely not everyone can afford that, so still I imagine most millennial couples splitting the cost of a 1 bedroom apartment or less to get by - although that is cramped)
My grandparents had separate bedrooms (always? how would I know? maybe). My parents didn't but did have separate beds (twin beds). Yea whatever works, but many people could probably get used to either (sleeping in the same bed or not) arrangement in time. But if they try and they find they simply can't then they should simply work out together what works.
iris lilies
3-5-16, 1:10pm
Sleep is really really imortant to me and that is a contributing reason for me not having children.
I am a night owl, DH goes to bed early. Snoring. Cats. Dogs. So many reasonss for sleep interruption! So, we have separate bedrooms. And I will admit, I really like having the bed to myself, I dont like being crowded. Yet I do not mind one bulldog in bed. Actually, all of my dogs who have been allowed upstairs into a bed ( and thats only 3 of about a dozen dogs) have been good sleepers. The cat Otoh is currently driving me crazy.
Oddly, I'm OK (not thrilled) sharing a bed with cats. And if space were at a premium, I would be OK with separate beds in a single room. I can see how sleeping in a king-sized bed might work--we've done that on vacation. It's only a problem if the two parties have entrenched views of what constitutes "acceptable."
I'm a sound sleeper, and a snorer, while my wife is a light sleeper. She spent several years leaving our bed in the middle of the night to escape, so, I eventually decided it would be best if I simply adopted the guest room as my own. We both now believe separate rooms to be the civilized way to sleep. The one caveat is that we both reserve the right to visit the other whenever we wish.
I don't mean to imply there's anything wrong with separate bedrooms. I had an assumption that almost all couples share bedrooms, if not beds.
I have to say, I have a colleague/friend who said that she cannot sleep without a TV on--all night! I asked her how her husband copes with that, and she said he got used to it. That would definitely be grounds for moving myself out if my partner were the one to require a TV on all night. In fact, I made DH get rid of our bedroom TV because he'd come in and and turn it on with no inkling that it might disturb my sleep.
I'm a sound sleeper, and a snorer, while my wife is a light sleeper. She spent several years leaving our bed in the middle of the night to escape, so, I eventually decided it would be best if I simply adopted the guest room as my own. We both now believe separate rooms to be the civilized way to sleep. The one caveat is that we both reserve the right to visit the other whenever we wish.
Ha! That sneaking out of bed never worked for me. I was invariably caught at it. I absolutely think "visiting" is the way to go. And I devoutly believe that everyone should have their own room and privacy, whether that's a bedroom or some other room.
ApatheticNoMore
3-5-16, 1:53pm
Yes I both wear earplugs and often have to run white noise (the fan but not so that it blows on me - hey don't love the extra electricity use but need to sleep - I often do this preemptively) to block out if of my neighbor runs the t.v. at night. In the bedroom itself would be insane.
Ex-BF of 7 years and I were only in the same bed if we had no kids over. He snored and had such bad apnea, the nurse in me would find myself wide awake counting his periods of apnea and worrying that if he did not get help for this he would fall asleep behind the wheel. Ear plugs could not drown out his noise. He eventually got CPAP so the snoring was gone. Then there was the Bernice issue, my abused shelter dog who is glued to my side. She sleeps on top of my bed PERIOD, if anyone wants to be in it, they need to be able to deal with this (obviously not during intimacy). He knew this going in, she would sleep at the bottom on my side (my feet do not reach the bottom), she would go right to sleep and was no bother. Yet we constantly had to negotiate it, he constantly had to bitch about that is was unclean (I use duvet covers that are washed weekly and the dog was bathed frequently), that she is spoiled (YUP) and he didn't believe me when I said do not ask me to choose because it was clearly implied he would not be the chosen one. Such a kind hearted man who had to fight over something so small. So while thank God we never married, if we had I bet we would've ended up in separate rooms. I couldn't stand sleeping in his room because he was a hoarder and things actually were unclean.
Teacher Terry
3-5-16, 2:39pm
My parents had separate beds in same room because my dad was such a wild sleeper. He would sleep walk, hit, snore you name it and my Mom got sick of it. I was just like that when I was young and my hubby at that time got used to it and we only had a double bed. Then my now hubby and I started out in double bed but at menopause time I needed more room because I was hot so we got a king bed. Then I got really bad sleep apnea and now use the machine. It doesn't bother my hubby at all. The 3 little dogs sleep with us and big guy on his own bed in our room. He wanted to sleep with us but I said no because he sheds something horrible and weighs 80lbs, plus he likes to sleep like a person with his head on the pillow and you will wake up with him spooning you. This happened a few times when my husband was out of town. I woke up to a dog breathing in my neck and his paws over me. It took me about a week to convince him that was not happening. If one of us is sick and waking up the well person then the well person has the choice of being disturbed or going to the guest room. If he couldn't sleep with me I would be fine with him sleeping in guest room. OUt of all my friends I only know one couple with separate rooms.
Gardenarian
3-5-16, 2:47pm
We both now believe separate rooms to be the civilized way to sleep. The one caveat is that we both reserve the right to visit the other whenever we wish.
Agreed!
My husband and I have slept in separate rooms for over 20 years, though at times that meant one of us slept on a fold-out bed in the living room. DH snores horribly, but more than that, I like having my own space. I really would hate to go back to sharing a bedroom.
I don't know anyone else who has separate rooms, but I know a lot of people who complain about their partner's snoring.
There's a lot of talk right now about how important sleep is to good health, but I haven't heard of anyone advocating for separate bedrooms. I think it is taboo. People think there must be something wrong with your marriage if you don't sleep together.
I know that in many cultures people sleep in group rooms and are basically never alone. I somehow feel it's healthier to want to be with other humans, but I just don't. (My dog sleeps at the foot of the bed, but she is very quiet.)
We have a 2 bedroom house and by now, we sleep in separate beds. It was a gradual process as I am especially sensitive to snoring and DH snores a lot. At some point, good sleep becomes as important, if not more, well you know, the other thing. As someone else said, one is always welcome for a visit but once its time to sleep, all cats and husbands must be somewhere else as I am shutting the door until dawn.
We sleep in the same bed in the same room. However, the dog does not. She tried it the first couple of days she was with us and was ushered off with such ceremony and noise that she never tried it again. Neither DW nor I care to sleep with animals in bed, not even 20-pound ones that move away at the first sign on incoming movement. Both of us rest easier knowing the other one is within arm's reach. And we've found my white-noise machine to be a good cover to the noises that you sometimes hear in more-urban neighborhoods (no, not gun shots...).
I've become more picky about my bed and what goes in it for a few years now. Can't sit on it wearing street clothes, animal can lay on top but not in it only if I'm not in it unless invited after I'm awake in the morning.
I don't really like sleeping with another person. I take my sleeping seriously, and don't want to hear snoring or be disturbed by someone else tossing and turning, snuggling or draping limbs on me. Oh, and breathing on me...HATE that. The past 8 years or so I've had to use an extra pillow to support my shoulder when side-sleeping and it's difficult maneuvering that with another person under the covers with me.
Any wonder I'm single?
My ex actually apologized to me awhile ago. It was about the snoring. I would get up and sleep on the couch and he would wake me up and be furious about it. Apparently his new wife had an issue with not sleeping either so he got those sleep apnea machines and it is much better. You could hear him down the hall! I will say that not being able to work that out may have been a large factor in our split, more that I was having such a hard time meeting my basic needs for things like sleep without anger from him. Without much good sleep it just gets even more tense! So I am happy to hear about how many couples have worked this out.
Some people's sense of entitlement just slays me. Really. I would be appalled and apologetic if I kept someone from sleeping, not combative and accusatory. Amazing.
we always slept in the same room for years.
But our schedules changed. I am a night owl and like to read late. He would say things like "Do you know what time it is?
and
When are you going to turn out the light.
So I would turn out the light and lie there not sleeping. A special kind of hell. So now we have two rooms, a main shared bedroom and a backup quiet reading sleeping single bed. Works very well.
yeah Jane, that was the underlying issue.
we always slept in the same room for years.
But our schedules changed. I am a night owl and like to read late. He would say things like "Do you know what time it is?
and
When are you going to turn out the light.
this was my ex even though he had to have the tv blaring all night, keeping me awake. When we first separated, having no tv and all that room, I could read all night if I was having insomnia, heaven!
With ex-BF, he snored so loud it really was unbearable, I would try to roll him on his side but he was a big guy. Once I was over zealous in my rolling and he rolled onto the floor, where he woke up with a WTH look on his face I will never forget, lol. I said, "get the damn CPAP machine", he got it.
this two room business seems to often come later in life for couples. I think that is cool. It is like you are the king and queen of your homes and you both need separate wings of the palace.
this two room business seems to often come later in life for couples. I think that is cool. It is like you are the king and queen of your homes and you both need separate wings of the palace.
haha! That's a great way to look at it! My great-aunt and uncle slept in separate rooms, and I remember my great-aunt telling me that he would admit to being tempted to go into her room at night and then he'd say to himself "Get thee behind me, Satan!" She would laugh telling that story, but I never got why it was such a "devilish" thing to want to go into her room at night--I think I was about 8 or 9 when I heard that story. She was so Victorian she would blush telling it.
My grandparents had separate bedrooms, but they fought all the time, so that made sense. Now, DH and I are both loud snorers. We both wear earplugs, but it always takes me awhile to wind down and go to sleep. I have to read first before lights out. If he falls asleep before I do, I can't fall asleep at all, earplugs or no earplugs. It would drive me to sleep on the sofa downstairs. Eventually, we agreed that I would go to bed first, do my reading and relax and drift off, while he watched TV downstairs. Then when he comes up, he is very quiet and I'm deeply enough asleep (still with earplugs) that he doesn't wake me up.
I recently made a push for having a guest bedroom set up so I could sleep in it instead of on the sofa, as I am still wont to do occasionally. He said, "No, because it we make it too comfortable in there, you'll always be sleeping in there!" Sheesh!
Simplemind
3-13-16, 1:02am
I already have my eye on my son's room when he moves out. Both DH and I snore but I actually have done something about it. I am a super light sleeper and use a cpap. He snores when he first drops off and then starts in again at about 5 am. Once something wakes me up it is almost impossible to get back to sleep. He snores so loud I have to go to the other end of the house and put on earphones. I hate sleeping on the couch so I would love a room of my own.
goldensmom
3-13-16, 7:21am
Timely thread. The first time I ever heard of a married couple sleeping in separate bedrooms was about 10 years ago. My parents shared the same full size bed for their entire married life with mom, however, sleeping curled up in a corner of the bed. Recently either my husband is snoring more and louder or I've become a light sleeper. We always start out the night together but sometimes I will get up in the early morning hours and go into another bedroom due to his snoring. I feel weird about it, based on my upbringing and 30 years of married life but I need to sleep and not wake up at 3AM for the day. Good to hear it's not so uncommon.
Firstly - I am happy to find you all again! I was a regular poster at the old site, but when the change to New Roads took place, my visits fell away.
Married almost 26 years. In the last few months, due to his snoring and his issues with sleeping comfortably due to a disc issue in neck, I have the master bed to myself...well, me + the cat. A happy change! I wake up like the people in mattress commercials after a good nights sleep. Sleep and intimacy are two different beasts, imo.
freshstart
3-15-16, 8:35am
I had my at home sleep study, I only have apnea 3x hr so no cpap needed, yay. But have to go in for overnight study because my oxygen level dropped and stayed low most of the night. Enough to qualify for oxygen. WTH? The last thing I need is some pulmonary problem. I am so sick of doctors and issues, I've just about had it.
Husband works till midnight then comes home wound up and I get up early plus we both snore a bit. He's got a bed up in the music/library loft. I love having the bed to myself. When we do share a bed I end up feeling chased to the edge hanging on for dear life. Apparently I have personal space issues and like to cuddle only to a point. Give me my space and privacy and the time together is better.
My parents slept in twin beds in the same room and had since before I was born. Mom claimed dad was a kicker while sleeping, plus he wanted more covers than her. All winter she would sleep under a light blanket and he used an electric blanket. She used to complain that even the heat from his blanket made the room too warm. As a teenager I learned that if I was out and drove up and saw only light from the tv in the living room that I should drive around for a while before I came in because they were taking care of what is difficult to do in a twin bed... (my bedroom was in the basement. I learned this when coming up the stairs late one evening and went back down undiscovered, not by walking right in on them through the front door.)
When I met SO he had bad sleep apnea. So bad that if we were just spending the evening at home watching a movie or whatever he would fall asleep. His snoring was so bad that I insisted that he have a sleep study before I agreed to move in with him. Fast forward a bunch of years and I now snore quite a bit. I don't show signs of sleep deprivation so it's not apnea, just snoring. When we needed a new bed we got one that SO could roll over in without waking me up (he's a big guy, clocking in at about 270 lbs), which I was insistent on. Later I learn that he was sometimes agressively rolling over to get me to wake up and stop snoring! Fast forward a few more years and he starts beating the bed to wake me up to stop snoring, now that aggressively rolling over won't do it. Occasionally I'd get pissed and move to the second bedroom (my den) for the rest of the night. Gradually I started sleeping in the den once or twice a week. Especially if I had a busy day planned at work the next day and really wanted to make sure I was rested. I just feel SO much better after a good night's sleep. This would happen a couple of times per month at first, then gradually expanded to every Sunday through Thursday nights. Then, about a year ago our mattress suffered from an air leak (it's got air chambers in it) and SO would have to manually pump it up every day. The leak kept getting worse and one morning he woke up to a completely flat mattress, lying on the wooden frame at the bottom of it. It was covered under warranty so they shipped a new air chamber for his side of the bed, but it took ten days to arrive. During that time SO slept on my side of the bed and I slept in the den every night. Now I sleep in the den every night. Even weekends. I felt guilty for the first few weeks but got over it. I even have to set an alarm now. SO always gets up earlier than me during the week so I'd get woken up when he got out of the shower and came into the bedroom to get dressed. Now I often sleep soundly until he comes to kiss me goodbye on his way to work and even fall back asleep after that. I've never especially enjoyed cuddling overnight, so I'm perfectly happy with this arrangement and I think SO is too. There just aren't any negatives. We've never lived together in a one bedroom place and now I can't imagine ever doing that. Our two cats (litter-mates) have adapted as well. The one that bonded with him still sleeps with him and mine sleeps with me in the den.
I'm curious, all the posters who state that they don't know anyone else that sleeps separate, have you asked? I don't know of any of our friends that sleep separate, but unless SO has been telling them I doubt they know that we sleep separate. It's never really occurred to me to discuss this with anyone before reading this thread.
iris lilies
3-15-16, 10:55pm
...I'm curious, all the posters who state that they don't know anyone else that sleeps separate, have you asked? I don't know of any of our friends that sleep separate, but unless SO has been telling them I doubt they know that we sleep separate. It's never really occurred to me to discuss this with anyone before reading this thread...
Our house cleaner was also our friend. I remember at a party we were talking about this subject and he showed polite reticence in speaking about "my" bedroom vs "dh's" bedroom until I had broached the topic. i dont care and am not shy about this issue, but his care around the topic showed me that maybe some people ARE shy about it.
iris lilies
3-15-16, 11:01pm
...I'm curious, all the posters who state that they don't know anyone else that sleeps separate, have you asked? I don't know of any of our friends that sleep separate, but unless SO has been telling them I doubt they know that we sleep separate. It's never really occurred to me to discuss this with anyone before reading this thread...
Our house cleaner was also our friend. I remember at a party we were talking about this subject and he showed polite reticence in speaking about "my" bedroom vs "dh's" bedroom until I had broached the topic. i dont care and am not shy about this issue, but his care around the topic showed me that maybe some people ARE shy about it.
Ultralight
3-16-16, 7:35am
The thing I miss most about being married is sleeping together (Sleeping, folks! Get your mind out of the gutter!).
Snuggle yourselves to sleep, snuggle yourselves awake. It made starting the day have a more positive tone.
The thing I miss most about being married is sleeping together (Sleeping, folks! Get your mind out of the gutter!).
Snuggle yourselves to sleep, snuggle yourselves awake. It made starting the day have a more positive tone.
The problem for me is that that snuggle to sleep/snuggle awake thing happens about 40 times per night if I'm sleeping with a cuddler. SO and I already weren't touching during the sleeping part of the night. We don't even use the same covers. He uses a heavy down comforter that I wouldn't dream of sleeping under unless the room was approximately 40 degrees.
Teacher Terry
3-16-16, 1:04pm
When my hubby and I first got together we would cuddle all night long. Fast forward to menopause I could not stand to be touched. wE only had a double bed and I was always trying to get away from him. Then I would get too hot and jump out of bed-ugh! He misses the cuddling but I got a king size bed and then slept much better in menopause. About the time that menopause was done and he says we can cuddle again-oops no-I have severe sleep apnea so with the mask I am blowing cold air out of my forehead all night. He stands a pillow on end to block the cold air flow. We do have a guest bedroom so if one of us gets uncomfortable they can move but so far this is working fine with the king bed. None of my friends sleep separately.
iris lilies
3-16-16, 1:14pm
I still jump out of bed once a night to adjust clothing, or throw off a cover, or push the damned cat out of bed.
None of this disturbs my sleeping partner, the bulldog.
And we talked about snoring, but his snore is so gentle and constant that I love it. It's different from human snoring. He is at my feet, snoring at this very moment. When you are a bulldog, you sleep a lot.
Teacher Terry
3-16-16, 1:16pm
I get out of twice to go to the bathroom and that doesn't not bother my husband. He snores lightly so not annoying. In fact I usually can't hear it over the noise I am making from my CPAP. If I was not sleeping I would definitely sleep in another room. All 4 of my old dogs snore too.
I have severe sleep apnea so with the mask I am blowing cold air out of my forehead all night. He stands a pillow on end to block the cold air flow.
When we sleep together I do the same thing! SO uses the nasal pillow mask so the air blows straight forward from his face. I don't understand why they can't put a little deflector on the front of it to make the air blow up towards his forehead. For months after he started using this type of mask I threatened to DIY a modification to the mask for this purpose.
Teacher Terry
3-16-16, 5:50pm
The first time I put it on my little dog watched me do it and then she started shaking and backing up until she turned around and ran. It was so funny. She saw me do it and then didn't recognize me:)) Now the dogs will lay on the hose, etc.
freshstart
3-16-16, 6:09pm
I'm kind of glad I don't need Cpap, I don't need anymore things to adjust to and I didn't want to give up nightstand space. Plus, my insurance barely covers it and none of the supplies. Oxygen seems like less of a PITA and I can put the machine across the hall in the empty bedroom. Hopefully, it won't come to that.
I'm not a big cuddler at night and menopause just about killed that. Ex-BF was a big guy and I would accuse him in the middle of the night of not having left me any cool spots and would shove him over, I don't remember doing this, lol. As for cuddling, I'd last all of 3.5 mins before I had to get away from his furnace of a body.
Teacher Terry
3-17-16, 12:30pm
The CPAP is a pain. I had to get used to it and take it when I travel etc. Luckily my insurance covers everything for it at 100%. They also did not tell me that it would take all the varnish off my nightstand and I found that out the hard way. So when I stay at someone's house or a hotel I put a towel underneath it. It ruined my really nice nightstand that matches the rest of the bedroom furniture. I was determined to use it every day and get used to it because I know it causes organ damage if you have apnea on a long term basis. Snapping that mask on and off in the middle of the night is a pain too.
freshstart
3-17-16, 8:26pm
my parents both have it, it took forever to find the proper masks. My dad has a huge head, nothing fit until he switched companies. My mom is the opposite and ended up with a peds mask. I'm just glad I don't need it even though I agree it can be a lifesaving measure as you are less likely to fall asleep when driving. Ex-BF stopped falling asleep at his desk. And if I had severe apnea, that could explain some of my memory issues. But they happened overnight so I don't think it would've been the primary cause. Low oxygen levels at night certainly are not helping. I go Monday, get it over with.
Stinks about your nightstand.
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