Seeing through someone else's eyes...

[Ultralight]

I recently had one of those insightful moments where it is as though you can see through someone else's eyes.

This is not world-changing or paradigm-shifting, but I found it sort of transformative.

So I thought I'd share and perhaps prompt others to share analogous moments in their lives.


I have been sweating over what to do about my canoe when I move (for a looooooong time).

Rent a small storage unit? Costly. Ask a friend to let me use their garage? An imposition. Stuff the 12 foot long, dirty, fishy-smelling thing into what will be a tiny apartment? Not realistic. Create some "canoe-sharing" co-op with it? Idealistic and daunting.

Ask my sis and BIL if I can continue to store it in their garage? Very realistic!

But... when I brought up the idea I noticed some apprehension and even a bit of trepidation in their eyes and the tone of their voices, and most of all, in the microexpressions on their faces.

I was at first perplexed by this. Then I realized that asking them to allow me to store my canoe in their garage was just as much an imposition as it would be to a friend and paying them only a small fee would be using up some "relationship capital" I did not have. After all, I have been living with them for a very affordable price for the better part of the past 3 years.

They said: "Let us think about it."

But instead I thought about it.

I don't like when others schlep their possessions onto me and into my space. Why would I do this to someone else? Why would I do this to the two people who have helped me out more than anyone else I know?

Because I was not seeing the situation through their eyes.


After a couple days I broached the subject again.

I said: "I don't like when others schlep their possessions onto me and into my space. I was wrong to ask you to let me store my canoe here indefinitely for a small fee."

This actually produced sympathy in them as much as it did relief.

I continued: "So here is my humble ask: Allow me, for a small fee, to store the canoe in your garage until June when the fishing slows down. This way I can fish the peak of the season without interruption. Then come June, I will sell the canoe and buy an inflatable that I can store in a box in a closet or in the hatch of my Nissan."

They agreed and offered a longer time frame out of sympathy. But I politely declined this offer of additional storage time.


I feel much better about the whole situation and feel like my conscience is clear.


Anyone else have these moments of seeing through another's eyes?

[razz]

UL, I call this 'walking in another's shoes'. I have a group of friends that meet weekly and they have commented on how often, I use that phrase and then explain my thoughts as I do so. I have found that being a self-righteous, judgemental, self-centred, self-justified individual is simply wrong. At first, I thought it was OK 50% of the time, then 25% and now it is never once I have walked in another's shoes.
Often I will ask, if it seems appropriate, for the other party to help me understand his/her viewpoint.
Good thread!

[catherine]

Thich Nhat Hanh taught me a lot about that kind of transformational experience. I'm not Buddhist per se but I love what Nhat Hanh says about deep listening, which to me translates into razz's "walking in another's shoes." We don't know what shaped the other person. Our own perceptions are based on layers and layers of different experiences, so why shouldn't the same be true of others? We don't know what hurts others have, what joys, what fears.. so how can they be "wrong" and we are so "right"?

I don't know if I have one "aha" experience like you had, but when I'm stuck, I do try to understand the other person, not always successful. It's hard to not get frustrated and say "Don't you get it??" but then again, what is it that I should be "getting?" I try to learn that.

[Chicken lady]

I have a really really hard time with that. I'm always willing to see the other persons view (which doesn't mean I'm always willing to accept it) and I realize that my view is generally the one askew in the society I inhabit, but I can't see those "micro expressions." Even subtlety of tone usually escapes me - for which reason I actually find on-line relationships easier - people realize there is no tone and often strive to be more clear or understanding.

the worst for me is when people try to be polite. "If you knew you didn't want to store my canoe, why didn't you just say no?" On of my most useful phrases comes from an old friend who used to say " this is an offer, not a request." (I.e. Let's go to the mall.) I will also ask people "is that a request or an offer?"

i find myself asking "are you upset?" Or "was that out of line?" A lot. But it's really hard when people say no and mean yes! I hate the phrase "it's ok." It's ok as in How was your day? - ok = normal, average, nothing to get excited about. It's ok as in I forgive you? It's ok as in leave it alone? As in good enough? As in not good enough?

i'm glad you were able to tell what was going on with your sister.

[Ultralight]

I have found that being a self-righteous, judgemental, self-centred, self-justified individual is simply wrong.

Well, usually that works for me. But in this instance I had to try something different. :~)

[Ultralight]

i'm glad you were able to tell what was going on with your sister.

She is the only family member I can count on and one of perhaps two people I can actually count on, her husband is the other one.

So yeah, I want to play my cards right with them. And I want them to know they can count on me, which I think they do.

[Chicken lady]

See, I SAY things like that. Out loud. And then there is awkward silence.

I think I may be In trouble because this morning I told my mom my son is only going to his graduation because she's coming to see him graduate (she has a health concern and might not be able to come, and said she felt badly about it. I said, "well, if you can't come, he'll miss seeing you, but he'll be happy he doesn't have to attend the ceremony."). Now I think she feels guilty for making him walk. But she wasn't going to come if he didn't walk, and he's willing to walk to see her and so if everybody was happy with the agreement, why do we have to feel bad about it or pretend that wasn't the deal?

edited to add - this is where my dd says "because that's what people do, mom."

[Ultralight]

I SAY things like that.

Like what?

[Chicken lady]

Like everything you posted in the reply where you quoted me. (Except "which I think they do") i tried to copy/quote, but I'm technologically challenged.

[Gardenarian]

That's a good story, UA.

It makes me consider ways I might be imposing on others. I'm not very good at reading people.

[Ultralight]

That's a good story, UA.

It makes me consider ways I might be imposing on others. I'm not very good at reading people.

Thanks.

Reading people is pretty dang hard. Often I can get a sense of "something is wrong" but I cannot tell what (when I am trying to read someone).

But I have found that watching carefully for micro-expressions and then cataloging them in my mind has helped.

[Teacher Terry]

It's great that you realized that you were imposing upon people that you really love. Good job!

[freshstart]

well done!

I have a habit of the past yr and a half of not really being able to see my glass as half full. It's been really hard losing ground and just constantly seeing docs who never say, "hey, this xyz problem is fixed!" Losing DD when I was at my sickest practically broke me although I could not take care of myself, let alone her. My bad habit was dumping this stuff on my poor mother who is dealing with end of life issues. She's mostly in bed so she doesn't see how I am doing much, I could easily keep all stress and worry from her, instead I vent to her and it's not fair. She is a worrier and I am not who she should be worrying about.

your post made me think hard about changing this selfish behavior, thank you

[ToomuchStuff]

What is the cost of the inflateable?
Do they go out of stock often?
I am wondering since you made this decision, if you might consider some kind of sign, while your using the boat? If you get a good offer, even though it is still in your season, sell it and buy the other boat, as a push.
The other boat seems like it might be easier to transport, but I am unsure on how you would go about inflating it (thought you tried walking more then using a vehicle).

[Ultralight]

What is the cost of the inflateable?
Do they go out of stock often?
I am wondering since you made this decision, if you might consider some kind of sign, while your using the boat? If you get a good offer, even though it is still in your season, sell it and buy the other boat, as a push.
The other boat seems like it might be easier to transport, but I am unsure on how you would go about inflating it (thought you tried walking more then using a vehicle).

Inflatables cost about $300 and up. I have not known them to go out of stock.

What do you mean by a sign?

The inflatables have a kick-inflater thingy you step on or something you hook up to your car.


The more obvious thing is this:

Maybe I should sell it and spend a season just shore fishing. With my canoe I can catch way more fish than I need. I am usually the only one that eats my catch -- occasionally a friend or acquaintance or significant other will enjoy a fish fry with me. Otherwise it is deep-fried speckled bass for one!

And I mean to get out of the freezing my catch habit. It uses up lots of ziplocks and stuff. So I'd like to catch enough on a Saturday morning to have dinner on Saturday night and lunch on Sunday. That is enough for me.

[freshstart]

I am picturing UA with an inflatable boat folded up in his pocket, walking to the best fishing sites, lol.

[Miss Cellane]

Friends of mine have a canoe and two surf boards suspended from the ceiling of their apartment. But they don't smell like fish.

[Ultralight]

I am picturing UA with an inflatable boat folded up in his pocket, walking to the best fishing sites, lol.

LOL

That would be amazing!

[ToomuchStuff]

What do you mean by a sign?

The inflatables have a kick-inflater thingy you step on or something you hook up to your car.

A sign is something that announces something, like For Sale, Canoe:doh::~)
You would have one in your vehicle window, as well as a old tshirt that had it written/painted on it. Get an offer during your season, you could still fish with an inflateable.
I was just thinking though, that you were trying to be more car free. (why I asked about how to inflate, without electricity, that is a lot of breaths)

[creaker]

Negotiation and compromise - give and take with no one giving or taking more than they were comfortable with. Nice.

[Ultralight]

Yeah, I am feeling more at peace with my decision. And I can tell the vibe here -- among my sis, BIL, and I -- is more positive and lighter.

My sis really wants more space in the garage. She also urged me to remove a few large plastic totes that contain my waders, tent, and a few other outdoor items. I ain't got the heart to tell her that only one of those three large totes is mine! lol

The others belong to my BIL! hahaha