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View Full Version : I think I did something right! And g-ma trepidation



Zoe Girl
3-20-16, 9:32am
We had a birthday dinner for my son on Friday so I got to see my daughter who is pregnant. She is doing well, trying to eat but having the weird food stuff (no throwing up or anything serious). At one point after dinner I went to my room and she came in, which is sometimes the serious talk mode. She told me she has saved $1,000 and her boyfriend a little more than that! It wasn't for baby since that was unexpected but I am really impressed. And I feel like I taught her something since a lot of young people don't even try to save money.

Then my son said something amazing about the work I do. He spent some time with some people who ended up being part of a pyramid scheme. He figured it out pretty fast, I trusted him to be that smart but kept on eye on it of course. The group talked about doing something like shoveling garbage for 10 years to never have to work again. His thought was he wouldn't do that, he would rather work and enjoy what he does. And I am apparently the example of that. He said he imagines I wouldn't make that much more money to do a just with such an impact on kids.

I have been all gushy happy for like a week, I have trepidation going into the grandparent zone. Mostly because of other grandparents and because I raised my kids different. My mom never really liked it, my ex was totally opposite as soon as we divorced, and I just don't want it to be a joke (cloth diapers, extended breastfeeding, art over TV, homemade food, family meetings, etc). I told my daughter to just not make it a joke, but meeting the other g-parents and the large extended family is going to make my introverted and sensitive soul nervous.

rodeosweetheart
3-20-16, 10:31am
We had a birthday dinner for my son on Friday so I got to see my daughter who is pregnant. She is doing well, trying to eat but having the weird food stuff (no throwing up or anything serious). At one point after dinner I went to my room and she came in, which is sometimes the serious talk mode. She told me she has saved $1,000 and her boyfriend a little more than that! It wasn't for baby since that was unexpected but I am really impressed. And I feel like I taught her something since a lot of young people don't even try to save money.

Then my son said something amazing about the work I do. He spent some time with some people who ended up being part of a pyramid scheme. He figured it out pretty fast, I trusted him to be that smart but kept on eye on it of course. The group talked about doing something like shoveling garbage for 10 years to never have to work again. His thought was he wouldn't do that, he would rather work and enjoy what he does. And I am apparently the example of that. He said he imagines I wouldn't make that much more money to do a just with such an impact on kids.

I have been all gushy happy for like a week, I have trepidation going into the grandparent zone. Mostly because of other grandparents and because I raised my kids different. My mom never really liked it, my ex was totally opposite as soon as we divorced, and I just don't want it to be a joke (cloth diapers, extended breastfeeding, art over TV, homemade food, family meetings, etc). I told my daughter to just not make it a joke, but meeting the other g-parents and the large extended family is going to make my introverted and sensitive soul nervous.


I am glad things are going to swimmingly-that is great! I share my two grandchildren with two other sets of grandparents. None of us have similar values, but I remind myself that we all ADORE the grandchldren and the more grandparents who love them, the better for the grandchildren-- I still love and miss my grandparents, and think about them often, and they have all been gone for over 40 years.

Reyes
3-20-16, 4:33pm
I would encourage you to do not think so much about being "different." Truly, in many areas (and about all I have lived in for the past 20 years) "cloth diapers, extended breastfeeding, art over TV, homemade food, family meetings, etc" is totally the normal mainstream. It sounds like it is the place you are in/people you are around that makes it seem so different. It is quite the norm in many areas actually (and I think my kids are similar in age: 30, 20, 18).

freshstart
3-20-16, 5:45pm
go into meeting the other grandparents with your head held high, even if you don't share the same values, you did nothing so "different" that it does not deserve respect. Just assume you are going to get respect as you are worthy of it, your kids get it, I don't think they will allow any bashing if that's what you are worried about

mschrisgo2
3-20-16, 6:23pm
Well, I had some pretty direct conversations with my g-sons' other grandparents early on, and the primary message went something like this: "Please don't judge me and I promise not to judge you. Please don't assume that everything my daughter does is something she learned from me. She is her own person, parenting her kids as she sees fit. You will hear about me doing outrageous "play" things with the boys. Just remember, I WORK with kids all day. I fully intend to Play with and Enjoy these kids."

They are 17, 19, and 21 now. It has worked out very well. They got vastly different experiences from each of their grandparents, giving them really well-rounded childhoods. They are all 3 fine young men, pursuing their dreams already- because they got to spend their adolescence developing their own dreams and goals, with a strong base of experiences and reality as their foundation.

In short, celebrate the differences (if, in fact, they do exist). The grandkids will benefit from it.

Zoe Girl
3-20-16, 8:31pm
Thank you all, It is nice to have some different views. I will admit to being sensitive about it, the basic desire to want people to like me. And since working with kids is also my job I want to not get into work mode with grandbaby. I want to do the most awesome fun things that I have learned over the years,

freshstart
3-20-16, 8:46pm
I was thinking about your ex as a grandparent and his parents, if they are alive. If your divorce was contentious like mine, despite trying you may never get a great relationship as grandparents. My ex made me out to be a heinous person to his mother, despite her presence on the world's worst family vacation ever and she admitted she knew all that her son was capable of and blamed herself. I thought she would remember that and at least be cordial at family gatherings. Instead, I never saw her again and she ran me down to those kids when they were only in early elementary years. There was nothing I could do to fix my kids' grandparent relationships, luckily she died and they barely remember her, terrible to say but true. Well, they remember she hated me. I just hope my ex will not emulate his mother when we become grandparents, he's already done enough damage to my kids. If you don't become an adult by the time you have grandkids, you never will.

Zoe Girl
3-20-16, 8:56pm
Oh yeah, I think that my ex will be on the sidelines more. His dad and wife are pretty crappy people and my kids have little to do with them. They don't even see them once a year, but they are in state. Usually their behavior in a group just makes them look bad and it is pretty obvious that no one else is to blame.

Now my ex, well I did tell my kids that he is not a great primary caregiver so they should not leave small ones alone with him (not that he would be interested). That is about the most negative thing I have said. In the divorce my ex-in-laws may have tried to bad mouth me, but it didn't go far because they are pretty miserable to be around, and frankly I am pretty great to be around. It helps that a primary part of my job is to do wonderful, engaging, and developmentally appropriate kid programming. So I guess I can relax a little,

freshstart
3-20-16, 9:19pm
yes, relax and start knitting booties!

Zoe Girl
3-20-16, 9:38pm
I am thinking panda buntings, and some pastel blankets. Then I looked at toys you can make crochet and sewing.

Reyes
3-20-16, 10:21pm
well I did tell my kids that he is not a great primary caregiver so they should not leave small ones alone with him

That is quite negative.

Williamsmith
3-21-16, 4:26am
My granddaughter was born a few months after I retired. Since my son and his wife, the other g parents and my wife worke'd full time I volunteered to be a primary caregiver because I had the time.

I was a little rusty on taking care of a little one but for four years we progressed nicely to the point where she was telling me she missed me and she loved me. I loved picking her up at daycare because she made me feel so important. She would help me to remember all the things to take home, her folder, her hat and gloves and boots. She was always proud of her "super student" status every day. She would share with me what all happened. Did I say how important she made me feel?

We had the neatest conversations while driving to and from errands and on our way home. We got into the habit of going to a special playground at a local church anytime the weather allowed it. She trusted me to push her "super high" on the swings and make sure she was safe on the slides and in the pretend areas of the structure.

She was shy around other people but not with me. She loved to have little books read to her and I loved to have her help me make dinner and watching her wash pretend dishes in the sink. One of our other pleasures was going to the library together to pick out books to read.

At night, after her bath I was the only one she wanted to brush the tangles out of her long hair. I was always very careful to brush without hurting. At bedtime, I tucked her in and sometimes read a story but always made sure she felt safe and secure and told her that I loved her. I had a kindle with kids interactive games on it and she sometimes would have it with her to help her fall asleep.

I can think of a million boring things to go on about that meant the world to me.

It was all going so like a Norman Rockwell painting but then my sons wife decided to leave and take my granddaughter with her. She filed for divorce. He agreed to allow her primary custody and avoid the ugliness of a battle. The divorce crushed him financially. And it extinguished my relationship with my granddaughter.

I have her every other weekend now but it is not the same. She does not say she misses me anymore. She does not say she loves me anymore. She does not remember the good times like I do. Her mother has a little tracking device on her wrist so she can known where she is through her cellphone service. And she can call anytime to talk with her. I hate that damned thing. I hate that no one trusts each other anymore.

Good things never last.

Zoe Girl
3-21-16, 8:53am
That is quite negative.

Yes, said without a huge negative tone. He just loses track of things easily and doesn't multi-task well, I ended up compensating for that until the kids were older (like 5). More absent minded professor type than anything.

Zoe Girl
3-21-16, 8:56am
I have her every other weekend now but it is not the same. She does not say she misses me anymore. She does not say she loves me anymore. She does not remember the good times like I do. Her mother has a little tracking device on her wrist so she can known where she is through her cellphone service. And she can call anytime to talk with her. I hate that damned thing. I hate that no one trusts each other anymore.

Good things never last.

Oh I am so sorry, I can't imagine doing that with someone who was basically a primary caregiver. I hope that under it all she has the security and warmth that you gave her tucked away even if she does not consciously remember it.

nswef
3-21-16, 11:01am
Oh William Smith what a very hard thing. I do think that the time you had with her is imprinted on her psyche and you have given her strength for the life she's going to have.

sweetana3
3-21-16, 12:06pm
I agree with nswef. The most important time in brain development is the first few years. Damage done then can be almost irreversible. A great beginning is the best foundation for a strong loving personality with ingrained good qualities.

rodeosweetheart
3-21-16, 12:26pm
Williamsmith, my heart goes out to you. What an incredibly painful place to be.
If I can make a suggestion about a book that helped me a lot-

http://www.amazon.com/When-Parents-Hurt-Compassionate-Strategies/dp/0061148431

If that's off topic, I apologize, but there is much wisdom there.

Tammy
3-21-16, 3:46pm
Williamsmith - Personality is pretty much set by age 5 - so you were the primary one who formed your granddaughters personality. You gave her quite a gift.

I just spent 23 hours with my 9 year old grandson and my foster grandkids ages 2 and 1. So their parents could get away. We have no guarantees from day to day - but hope the two little ones are eventually adopted into our family. If not, it will be a sad time for us all. I focus on how we are helping them now. The future is out of our hands.