introvert thing

[Zoe Girl]

I am struggling with trying to make some things happen, and respecting that despite some evidence I am an introvert. One thing is that I started a meetup and I have no RSVP's for today. 2 people have come before and they let me know they have been sick. It is the first day of spring break for most people and the day before Easter. So not the best choice I guess, but then again I was expecting some people. I will still go and bring my materials but I don't have a big plan like I did last time (there were 4 of us). Last weekend I had a potluck for our meditation group and there were 2 1/2 of us (one person and then another who stopped by for an hour). I had fun with my friend, but the people who didn't come didn't seem to think much about not coming. Like everyone assumed someone else was coming (I don't even try to host if I don't have at least 3 solid RSVP's)

Recently I went to Co Springs with a friend for an event with my Buddhist nun. He tends to be like me, not super social and yet he gets out and does more than I do. He said that it takes his more extroverted friends taking the lead, creating something and then bugging him until he gets out for some of the events. Mostly he hangs out in coffee shops and works there so he ends up meeting people. He also mentioned his ex was an extrovert (so was mine) and that helped create social activities.

In general I think it is hard to get adults to come out to things. I have this come up at work a lot. The parents of younger kids attend events more, but getting any parent to come to an event is hard work. We had an after school event where I pulled from all my after school clubs, it was the biggest ever. We had about 100 kids and about a dozen parents. It has taken the whole year of several after school events to build up to this type of attendance, still not very many parents. I just don't have the connections and energy to build a meetup group that will really bring people in. I can see how to do it, and even if I was totally extroverted I think I would still struggle with it, but it is so frustrating. The meetup had potential to earn a few dollars since I am charging for room rent, and as it grows I have the plans to make it educational and supportive, but I am not in the position to keep hosting potlucks and meetups without the energy of others involved.

[SteveinMN]

In general I think it is hard to get adults to come out to things. I have this come up at work a lot. The parents of younger kids attend events more, but getting any parent to come to an event is hard work. We had an after school event where I pulled from all my after school clubs, it was the biggest ever. We had about 100 kids and about a dozen parents. It has taken the whole year of several after school events to build up to this type of attendance, still not very many parents.
I think many parents are pulled a dozen ways from Sunday with obligations: kids in school, kids out of school, job (or two or three), household, family,... Almost anyone trying to run an organization largely based on volunteers -- whether it's a school, a non-profit board, or even a bowling league -- has become familiar with how hard it is to get people to commit to something like that for more than a session or two. I don't sense this from your note, but I would not blame myself for low turnout in general.


I just don't have the connections and energy to build a meetup group that will really bring people in. I can see how to do it, and even if I was totally extroverted I think I would still struggle with it, but it is so frustrating. The meetup had potential to earn a few dollars since I am charging for room rent, and as it grows I have the plans to make it educational and supportive, but I am not in the position to keep hosting potlucks and meetups without the energy of others involved.
Again, I think there are many factors which you cannot control. But one thing I've learned over the years is to not "push the rope". If you're interested in something, you may be able to get people to participate once or twice, particularly if you're really enthusiastic about it (that may be harder for an introvert). But unless people see that the activity is something in which they want to take part on an on-going basis, you'll find yourself a voice in the tundra.

When I find myself in that position, I stop pushing. I stop being the one to organize and cajole and set up and publicize. If other people aren't interested, then it has to be something I want to do badly enough for myself or it has to be something I stop doing because it no longer suits the people for whom I thought I was doing this. Sometimes the great original idea dies on the vine; sometimes other people decide they miss the activity and they start suggesting ways to make it happen.

Just my observation...

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you Steve. I agree, I went to not hosting the potluck unless I got enough RSVP's but it still wasn't enough people to really make it worth it. I could have seen my friend at a coffee shop. I would love to go on a meditation hike in the summer but haven't had those happen either. I am going back to our facilitator group to share this, and if we are all on board that means 3-4 people, and then letting go of the expectation.

[pcooley]

I think it is true about it being hard to get people to come out to things, particularly parents of children. Lately, I've been trying to make more friends because I realized I only have a few, and even those I do not see often. My wife seems to be particularly non-social. Occasionally I think "oh! we should learn to play bridge or ballroom dance or something," but I immediately follow that with "Oh, god no!"

Over the past few months, the Zendo has become a source of social interaction for me, and I love the introductory group, and all the reasons people bring with them for why they are there. But there doesn't feel like I have enough energy to cultivate real friendships, of the "why don't we meet for coffee" or "why don't you come by the house sometime" sort. I think, as a parent of teenagers, I feel like I'm finally getting a breather, but that's about all I have energy for right now, breathing. Although I'm up way past the time I would usually be asleep because my sixteen year old daughter is on a late flight to San Francisco to visit a friend of hers for spring break, and I want to make sure she gets there safely.

I would just have to add that, personally, potlucks terrify me. For years, I was always the guy who brought the bag of chips, and finally, I have become awfully, terribly, awkwardly embarrassed about being the guy who brings the bag of chips. But I don't really want to cook anything either - I don't have anything all that good to cook. It's hard enough to cook for my own family every night. Unfortunately, my wife feels the exact same way about potlucks, except she simply skips the chips and the potlucks altogether. I'm always happy when someone calls me up and asks me to just drop by for a cup of coffee, although that only happens once or twice a year. When there's a staff potluck at work, or a friend is throwing a potluck, I come very close to the edge of a cliff of unbearable anxiety. However, I think that is probably a rare thing that my wife and I happen to share, that is somewhat tied up in my own introversion.

[sweetana3]

pcooley, I always appreciated the ones who brought a good bag of potato chips. Not the fancy flavored kind but just a good plain chip. We all had our specialties. Mine was a pasta salad that I brought in for over 20 years.

[rodeosweetheart]

pcooley, I also share the potluck anxiety. For me it takes the weird form of thinking what if everyone gets food poisoning and it is my dish that did it? Seriously, and yes, I know I have an anxiety disorder with traces of OCD, so this is a pretty normal reaction for me. Still, I imagine the investgating the kitchen, tearful folks at the ICU, etc.

[herbgeek]

I have potluck anxiety as well, but from the receiver side. Particularly with meat/dairy ingredients, I'm anxious that others may not have good kitchen hygiene and/or good storage practices and I'm going to be violently ill. Then there's the overuse of processed food ingredients (eg cream of soup) I often see in potluck dishes, stuff I don't normally consume at home. Not to say I won't eat the stuff at a potluck, just that I have a lot of anxiety around it. I appreciate it when people bring simple, recognizable food and not, for example, this wild rice dish someone once brought that turned everything into this delightful shade of grey ( :0!).

[Kestra]

Yes, I've definitely experienced having a hard time getting people to do things. Especially parents, as mentioned. I "sort of" solve this by finding people who are also interested in doing things, and focusing my efforts on them; ignore the others. I met people in a walking club, as they are already out doing things, and certain friends/family members that actually express interest in going out. It helps now to have my boyfriend and friends of his who do game nights, and sometimes other things. Some friends just aren't the ones I'm going to socialize with. They may be situational and that's okay.

[nswef]

Lately, I've been trying to make more friends because I realized I only have a few, and even those I do not see often. My wife seems to be particularly non-social. Occasionally I think "oh! we should learn to play bridge or ballroom dance or something," but I immediately follow that with "Oh, god no!"

PC I feel exactly the same way...should do and will do are two different things. The "Oh god no!" kicks in pretty quickly these days. I used to ignore it, then be anxious about my commitment to some event I truly did not want to attend.

[Zoe Girl]

Didn't realize people had potluck anxiety! It makes sense but I wouldn't have thought about it. We have several people in our group with special diets so potlucks seem to work better. And lots of people go to meditation groups because they are pretty introverted. It is easy to just come, not talk much and then leave.

Since I tend to attract more introverted and socially anxious people I wonder how much success I am going to have. I do have several coffee date plans over spring break however,

[herbgeek]

As someone who is somewhat socially awkward, I find it easier to work with others on a specific project with a defined goal, as opposed to just sitting around chatting small talk. If you have a lot of introverts, perhaps you can work on something together? A community service oriented project for example?

[Chicken lady]

As an introvert, I'm wondering why you have to have friends and activities. Is it a specific activity you really want to do with other people? Any hope of finding other people who are already doing it?

two of my kids are extroverts and when they were little I struggled through all the activities with all the other parents for their sakes. Now I don't have to. Ds best friends' mom retired last year and he asked her "will you please go over and hang out with my mom? I'm concerned that now that my sister is in college the only adults she'll ever speak to are my grandmother, my dad, and the grocery clerk." She drops by every couple of weeks. And I've been to her house twice. She is currently the only non work/family/grocery adult I see more than once a month and that is plenty of socialization for me!

I like potlucks because cause I buy food to take and get to try new things and not do dishes.

dd1 is marrying the potluck King. She was used to me, so the morning she discovered that she had forgotten there was a potluck after work, she called him and asked "could you just bring bread or something?" And he showed up with two loaves of hot, homemade challah, sorry because he didn't have time and ingredients to do anything fancy to the butter.

[Zoe Girl]

I am an introvert who values connection. So super large parties and things like that are icky. But I do really like to get together with people and small groups. My kids are now all grown up and over the last couple years I realize that I have a social life that is too small for me. With the foreclosure and moving I don't have any neighborhood friends, no couple friends since I am divorced. I am fine doing things by myself but it is getting old. Last summer I had a hike I really wanted to do, I ended up feeling a little at risk doing the last part by myself. My anxiety was a little high since flight for life was circling the area! Movies are good to see with other people and talk about it with, or share popcorn.

I am not complaining, I realize I need to put the effort forth, however I think it is hard to understand the depth of this. My son and his girlfriend live with me so I have people to talk to at times, I actually really like living in an apartment building and having some random interaction like talking in the elevator. I read an article about happiness correlated to population density. They had the findings that said people were happier in smaller communities which I didn't like. There have been further studies showing that people with higher intelligence actually do better in areas of higher population density. I am loving the city, just need to add some social activities.

[nswef]

ZoeGirl, I find I am much better one on one than in a group, although I do have group activities- writers' at the library and a book group at the library and another book group with people I taught with, lunch with a teacher group- only 4 others- and we've been together for 30 years...doing birthdays. I see my sister a couple times a month and a few friends individually a few times a month so feel very social. I am happiest one on one and do enjoy the groups to keep my brain moving. Good luck in finding a niche for you where yo to be comfortable.

[Chicken lady]

So I would think you're an extrovert. ;-)

also, guess I'm not as smart as I think. Cities and apartment buildings make me miserable.

[Zoe Girl]

So I would think you're an extrovert. ;-)

also, guess I'm not as smart as I think. Cities and apartment buildings make me miserable.


I am not extreme introvert, really getting towards the middle of the scale the last few years. I can survive much longer alone than being with people constantly.

I used to think I was more comfortable outside the city but I had never lived there. There are lots of little pockets of community here. Our next door neighbor is an elderly lady and she has family and helpers over often to assist her. She had not been out in ages but a week ago I saw her son take her in a wheelchair to synagogue so she is doing better. She talks to my son and his girlfriend all the time. Today my son was saying the suburbs had a lot of unspoken judgment going on, but in the city we don't stand out (negatively) as much.