View Full Version : anger fever/sensitivity
So I think I had an 'anger fever' over this issue. Lasted about a day and a half and then it just broke. I am exhausted and have a headache and a huge workload this week. I still have things I need to talk to my mom about but I am not so stomping angry. I didn't do any damage during that time but it sucked.
I have decided I am not too sensitive, I am very sensitive and I use that to think about things and to go out of my way to be respectful to people. Sometimes I make a mistake and realize it and then have to go back and do something about it. Actually happened last week. Generally though I am careful and respectful and read people's body language so that I consider their feelings may be different than my intentions. I can also be pretty straightforward. I have a new staff who has missed shifts and brings a lot of drama in, so I told him when he was sharing that it sounded pretty complicated and asked if he had a counselor. I had times that I was not really okay and that was one of the nicest ways people told me I was sharing too much. So being sensitive means I may have to bring things up sometimes like this, instead of just hoping this kid will get the hint or be harsh and just say this is not appropriate in a judgy tone.
So thinking about family trees got me thinking about culture. I have never in the 8 years I have been doing this work given out a pre-printed family tree activity. I will thank the only other birth-grandma I have met for that! (at an educational conference so it came up naturally). We create paper bag trees and the kids put who is important to them on leaves for the trees. I would say 25-30% of my friends and families I work with wouldn't fit on a traditional tree. That is a cultural difference, my mom and this friend have a different culture even though there are relationships that bring us together. And I learned this before my family didn't fit on a tree by listening, paying attention to people and being sensitive.
As a recovering rage-aholic I can tell you that meditation really helps!
Chicken lady
4-6-16, 9:01am
Last year when my heart grandson was in K, they had him draw his family. He drew his parents (adoptive, divorced) his mom's gf, my husband, and me. I would have liked to see the teacher's face when he presented it.
i kind of wanted to get it put on a t-shirt with the caption "love makes a family. Everything else is relative."
Last year when my heart grandson was in K, they had him draw his family. He drew his parents (adoptive, divorced) his mom's gf, my husband, and me. I would have liked to see the teacher's face when he presented it.
i kind of wanted to get it put on a t-shirt with the caption "love makes a family. Everything else is relative."
Love it!
i kind of wanted to get it put on a t-shirt with the caption "love makes a family. Everything else is relative."
I can dig it. Though I would replace "love" with "behavior."
Yup, our family activity is about the kids including leaves of everyone who is really important to them. No blue or pink ones (we have transgender in our program after all). They tell us about their family and in the 6 years I have been doing this I have only seen positives from the kids when it is supported and open-ended. That includes kids who have a parent in jail, and with our attitude and support they feel this great relief to share their family without any judgment.
Yeah, UA, I have a couple decades of practice. So I sat with an observed the emotions move through me, didn't judge the hurt and anger or any feeling, got caught in trying to be understood and feel supported, and ya know it passes. Learned a lot about how others may see this, and in talking to a teacher at my school she got to the point where she said she had learned something important that she never thought of before around family trees.
I thought family trees were pretty ordinary until I found out (after mom died) that my mother was married and divorced twice in the 40s before marrying Dad. Huge family secret for over 60 years. I am only sorry I could not have talked to her about it since it did not make me think less of her.
We have had at least three generations of family members (1930s, 1990s, and current) working on the family tree. Roger has even been contacting people he found.
I thought family trees were pretty ordinary until I found out (after mom died) that my mother was married and divorced twice in the 40s before marrying Dad. Huge family secret for over 60 years. I am only sorry I could not have talked to her about it since it did not make me think less of her.
We have had at least three generations of family members (1930s, 1990s, and current) working on the family tree. Roger has even been contacting people he found.
I found out that my great-great-great grandmother produced an out of wedlock child in 1865, which apparently led to a divorce. Except they kept living together. No one would have known about it if she hadn't picked one of the very few African-American men in Oregon to have it with. Oops. But I don't know the circumstances surrounding the birth. And the child completely disappeared after 1880. Did she die? Did she pass? I've searched and searched, and can't find a trace. That's just one of the mysteries on my mother's side of the family. On my father's side, they seem to all have toed the line--farmers and Evangelical ministers, mostly. And one "community doctor," Magdalena, an herbalist. Genealogy is fascinating.
This reminds me of when my girls were in middle school. They are 2 years apart. So...the first one came home with an assignment to do a family tree assignment. She had already done one at the school she transferred from. Ugh. We trudged through it although I was really starting to get upset about it. Frankly, I thought it was no one the hell's business anything about our family tree or anyone else's and thought they were out of line to ask. I thought of the many kids who don't know their parentage, or maybe a parent is estranged, or maybe one's in jail for something heinous. Or maybe, or maybe... And besides that, we were such a white school, I doubt if there were more than half a dozen cultures represented!
Then the next year it got assigned again for the both of them...a culture fair was happening! (I still get mad thinking about this). I went up to the school and complained in person and it was not pretty. Along with the aforementioned concerns, I told them I thought the teachers were just being lazy, having the kids provide the content of "Cultures" week instead of teaching them something themselves. Way to dial it in with the admin's blessing, teachers!
Well, it didn't change anything, but I got my 2 cents in anyway.
I can see how a family tree assignment could be touchy--but I like presenting a brief overview of how to look up census data on line , etc. Then the student could take it from there without involving the rest of the class.
Chicken lady
4-6-16, 9:00pm
History is fascinating. Genetics is fascinating. Genealogy I don't so much get. I love hearing about my mom's family, but that's because it's oral history - my grandfather told me stories about his grandfather. Beyond that I don't really care.
my mother in law is insanely into genealogy and has traced her family back all over the place. Yesterday she found kings! I'm not sure which line she's tracing, because a lot of what she has is based on the man who adopted her father when her father was 17. His bio dad was a teenage gypsy.
my dad doesn't have any idea who any of his great grandparents were. He likes to make sh*t up. It usually involves murder and mayhem.
Then the next year it got assigned again for the both of them...a culture fair was happening! (I still get mad thinking about this). I went up to the school and complained in person and it was not pretty. Along with the aforementioned concerns, I told them I thought the teachers were just being lazy, having the kids provide the content of "Cultures" week instead of teaching them something themselves. Way to dial it in with the admin's blessing, teachers!
Well, it didn't change anything, but I got my 2 cents in anyway.
Thank you! I realized I have a bit of exhaustion of being the 'challenger' all the time.
We do a cultural fair thing in our after school program, I ask the kids what they are interest in first. There were a group of white blond girls who wanted to learn about Ghana since their friend in our program was from Ghana. So kids could choose their own culture or one they wanted to learn about. The best story ever was when I did this with Girl Scouts one year. I got all excited because I usually share my history as a Viking (yeah I am pushing it but it is fun). One little girl came up to me very excited and said she wanted to make aebelskiver for the party. I had literally never heard this outside of Iowa. She was also black, white/Danish, and Hawaiian. She looked black and felt closest to the Danish culture. I have had so many cultures represented. We do the research work in our program so we are not sending home more homework. One family felt they were just American, so they chose to do a project on American inventions like the elevator and served coke. I think that balanced out the intrusiveness I have felt can come up when kids are put on the spot to tell about their family.
iris lilies
4-6-16, 10:57pm
There are alternate "family tree" forms that address adoptive and bio parents, both sets. Also there are other kinds of forms to chart human connections. I read suggestions to list yourself as the trunk, with roots going into different places and cultures, and with branches covering various lines, both adoptive and bio.
I dont really understand the point of a "family tree" if it covers mostly people younger than me, or my progeny and their progency. etc. To me, thats just a list, and probably most grandmothers keep those lists anyway to keep track of birthdays, inlaw names, etc.
Everyone's own interpretation of "the family tree" is valid (well, usually) and also unique.
Its like biographies of famous people: how many biographies have been written about Abraham Lincoln? Many are authoratative and respected, some are not, but all are unique views of his life.
I had the talk today with my mom, it went really well I think. She started asking about my text when I said it felt 'awkward' and I explained that I had not been asked but instead told, I don't really know what this project from her friend is, and on a cultural level we live in really different cultures so the entire family tree doesn't make sense to me. So we talked, she mostly seemed confused but she was respectful. I told her that they could not put a divorce date down, and if the family tree was shared outside the immediate family and this friend I wanted it edited so it didn't include the full birthdate of my kids and their full name. She could put month and year with the name but not more. Again, total confusion but polite.
I think that part of this is that I can't imagine anyone wanting my information for anything good. Not even my family. Maybe to look at my divorce date and feel some pity, maybe my kids are something they would see as positive, but there is a deep, almost subterannium (sp?) feeling that it is just more reason to judge or discount or pretend I am like them because my name is on a chart. Does the word white-washed make sense?
I understand ...
However I am aware of at least five books where my name and birthdate (and those of my husband, kids, etc) is published in a family tree. I'm sure there's many more. I come from a large German Mennonite family in Ohio. They love this stuff. They would never understand in any fashion a request to not be included in full.
It's a cultural thing.
iris lilies
4-7-16, 10:35pm
I understand ...
However I am aware of at least five books where my name and birthdate (and those of my husband, kids, etc) is published in a family tree. I'm sure there's many more. I come from a large German Mennonite family in Ohio. They love this stuff. They would never understand in any fashion a request to not be included in full.
It's a cultural thing.
The Germans in my family tree carefully enumerated each generation (the man) where he was born, both county and country and dates back a few generafions.
ironically, thats not the branch of my family that interests me. It is the Scotsmen who I want to inow more about, but they were too disorganized or uncaring or whatever to bother to note any of it. Maddening.
It is a good thing that my mom understands enough to not push it or act badly over this. I have no problem about this with the older generations and people who are dead. Go back as far as you want! It is good to know more about it being a cultural thing, I have chatted about this topic with my son and his girlfriend and it doesn't make any sense to them, partially being young I think, but also city kids and not in the places where people live for generations or close to other family members as much.
History is fascinating. Genetics is fascinating. Genealogy I don't so much get. I love hearing about my mom's family, but that's because it's oral history - my grandfather told me stories about his grandfather. Beyond that I don't really care....
Genetic sleuthing is starting to play a big part in genealogy. Rumor has it my paternal line contains an adoption in the 18th century somewhere--maybe I'll get a genetic match that solves that mystery.
And then there are the surprises: http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-36002621?ocid=socialflow_facebook&ns_mchannel=social&ns_campaign=bbcnews&ns_source=facebook
Williamsmith
4-9-16, 1:12am
My mother recently provided me an in depth genealogy from my maternal grandfathers side of the family. Because of my work as a criminal investigator, I have to admit to being fascinated. It went back to the pre revolutionary war era. My great grandmother who I knew, descended from a soldier in a Virginia regiment of the Revolutionary Army, fought the British in several battles in Pennsylvania, spent the winter with Washingtons Army at Valley Forge, was shot but survived to receive a pension and land in Western Pennsylvania from Washington himself. Knowing something about your family history, I think can be very important but only to oneself. Most everyone else could care less which is a good lesson in human nature. Still there are things which tie us to the past that can make us live a better future if we are fortunate enough to understand them.
At least for a few hundred years back, genealogy serves to give us a hook to history that I, for one, never had. I couldn't have cared less about kings and wars and dates, but knowing that I had ancestors who fought in the Revolutionary War, were involved on the wrong side (and maybe the other side, too) of the Salem witch trials, and served as a lighthouse keeper on Lake Pontchartrain (Louisiana? Who knew...but obviously a kindred soul) has me riveted. I only wish all the details were out there. I disagree that we're not interested in others' stories--Who Do You Think You Are, Finding Your Roots, and other programs are just as fascinating to me. Like Henry Louis Gates Jr., who traced his own bloodline to a white slaveholder and used DNA to discover a whole new family, black and white. I can't imagine anything more compelling.
ETA: Here's an article about Gates' Irish heritage. I don't know if that's the one from the family reunion--which was a real love story.
http://www.theroot.com/articles/history/2010/03/henry_louis_gates_jr_and_his_irish_roots.2.html
I wonder what it is going to look like in the future, we look back and say this person lived a certain place or 'was' something like a career. I don't see my generation and younger staying in one place or doing one job as much. Maybe there are more than I think, I work with a lot of families that have been in a part of Denver for generations, and do the same work?
I am all for digging in on the dead people! Still leave me out until I am at last 90
Chicken lady
4-10-16, 10:16am
We just had a parallel issue come up - about a month ago we attended the memorial service for dh grandfather. Apparently dh mom (the genealogy nut) put a tape recorder under the podium (without telling anyone) recorded the entire service, and has turns robed it for inclusion with the family genealogy. We know this because she just e-mailed the entire family notifying them and offering copied.
dh, who spoke off the cuff and from the heart, is really angry.
Williamsmith
4-10-16, 10:19am
We just had a parallel issue come up - about a month ago we attended the memorial service for dh grandfather. Apparently dh mom (the genealogy nut) put a tape recorder under the podium (without telling anyone) recorded the entire service, and has turns robed it for inclusion with the family genealogy. We know this because she just e-mailed the entire family notifying them and offering copied.
dh, who spoke off the cuff and from the heart, is really angry.
In Pennsylvania, it is a wiretap and a felony. I served more than one piece of humble pie to politicians and so called leaders of the community who abused this.
And I was going to answer in the opposite view, saying that one should expect any public church/memorial/wedding service these days to be recorded. Most are. Hmmm ... Is it wiretapping if a church records their services without explicitly informing everyone each time they meet?
That is tricky, i can see kinda both. There was a tragic death in our department, our nurse was killed in a car accident in fall. She was so well loved that we were all devastated. I was not able to make it to the services so I wrote a longer facebook post on her facebook page. I heard from a friend at work that they read it at the services. I was so happy it was used and since I posted it on FB I felt it was public. However if I had just showed up and talked I may not feel the same way, I would have wanted to written down what I was going to say or otherwise make sure it was publishable.
Chicken lady
4-10-16, 11:59am
well, the relationship isn't badmouthing to charge her with wiretapping. And it was Maryland.
but it was also a small, private service. The person speaking could clearly see the expression on the faces listening. The sort of thing you might say in a small group setting at an emotional time are a lot different than the sort of things you might put in prepared remarks for an unknown audience or post on Facebook.
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