hit the wall,

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you all so much for talking through my deep thoughts lately, I am just having an amazing process through this stuff right now. And things in relationships seem to be shifting that have been frozen for awhile (still haven't talked to my mom but feel better that I can do it well).

I had a meeting with one of my sups, I interpreted something negatively and I didn't want it to fester. Plus last year I got a very negative review so my attitude was that I had misjudged last year and I wanted to check in and see if we had any problems that I needed to work on. Through the conversation I actually got a sorry! Haven't had one in 6 years of working for her. We had some pretty positive things come out of it. So today is the department staff meeting and you can give shout outs to other people and give them pins for our different values, she gave me an integrity pin! Part of our conversation included that she knew people talked about her after meetings, and I was able to honestly say that I don't walk out and gossip, now I don't really have friends at work but I do talk to the people I need to directly when it is important, keep it private, etc. I don't think she ever knew that about me, and it really shifted some things in our working relationship. I think that was very important. I have always done this with her and other sups, but I never pointed it out.

So I started driving back to my site, and all of a sudden all the stress came out and I cried, like I went to the park and sat in my car and just let it all come out. And what came up is simply how tired I am, of being the challenger, of fighting for my boundaries, of holding the hard line of integrity. The thought that came up was "I can't do this alone, someone else has to take some of the work". I am fierce and committed and kind, and I am really f*ing tired. I also thought about how being the person who has a courageous conversation with integrity can make you very vulnerable, no wonder people don't like doing it! When that conversation is not well received then it is exhausting. I think a hot shower and early bed is in order

[razz]

ZG, when I was fighting against some legislation that I felt was needing change, I had little support from peers in my profession and substantial opposition from those opposed to the change as it would affect their revenue in the long term. I understood all of it but one day, I put my head on the placemat on the dining table and asked my DH, "Am I wrong to fighting so long and so hard?" That dear and wonderful man looked at me with the greatest love and empathy possible and said, "Being who you are, you can't do any differently". His love and support never stopped and the legislation did get changed and is taken for granted by new grads in my profession. I have no regrets for fighting so long and hard.

So my question to you is - can you be really true to yourself and do any differently? If not, carry on. You are making a difference in the lives of many people, more than you know.
Hugs

[Zoe Girl]

razz that was the perfect thing to say, wow. I am not fighting for comma placement (if you are then I support you, unless I used the comma wrong in this sentence).

Last year my fight was one I tried to keep low key as long as I could. Then I really misjudged and lost my temper a little. I realize SO much is power and control, I wanted a meeting that my sups did not think was necessary but they weren't giving me consistent answers. It all came to a head, I got a terrible review, I sucked it up and still work there. So this year the attitude and answers on this topic are very different. I did bring in a copy of the foster care state law and got a bill addressed immediately, not at all what happened last year. So it seems the price of listening to me is that I got a poor review in advocating for my families.

Doing the right thing, standing up, is glorified in movies and books. It is a rare few that get to the point they are recognized. So you have to go in with something else driving you. And I love that your DH gets that you are who you are, it takes a strong person to fight these fights. and we are really important to do this work.

[razz]

Good. We are all entitled to feeling tired and worn out at times but that's OK and then we rally again to carry on.