relieved maybe

[freshstart]

I just did the math and even though I am on SSDI now, I will be able to more than meet my child support obligation. DD moved out a year ago in March when I was at my sickest, between my terminally ill mom and me, it was too much stress for her. I was too sick to take care of myself let alone her, so when she asked to go to her Dad's, I understood. It broke my heart but it made sense. Since then she comes for visitation but is clearly very angry about things not being "normal", like that I could not drive until a few weeks ago and that is very limited. She resented the loss of my income. She resented that I could not remember things, that I fall, etc, etc, etc.

She is a junior and has worked incredibly hard to get into a good school but then decided to save a really good school for her MBA and go to a state university for her undergrad. In my separation agreement, it says I will pay half of the tuition of a state school.

When my long term disability ends, which it just did but hopefully temporarily as they thought I was collecting child support from SSDI so they wanted to stop paying me anything with no warning, that was fun. Anyway, when LTD ends for good, likely July '17 if I'm lucky, I will be living on $1850 a month in SSDI. I was freaking out wondering how to pay child support out of that. Answer, I don't, SSDI pays the custodial parent (my ex). And how the heck I would ever pay for even a state school?

Well, it turns out the ex gets $9500 in a settlement from SSDI for the years I was disabled, they back pay and then he gets $950 a month, double what I am obligated to pay under NYS law for my income. So my lawyer is saying that is child support and my contribution to state school tuition because he is not entitled to receive double the NYS amt. When all the math is said and done, he will have been paid all support he is owed and all of the cost of my share of state school tuition except for $2000 over 4 yrs. Which given my income, a judge is unlikely to make me pay but paying the lawyer to go to court over 2k will cost me more than 2k. My ex likes to go to court so we are trying to get him to agree to all of the above, then I will be done with him- he has won DD, won child support and has almost all of the college tuition. I want to be relieved but I don't trust him and he is taking forever to agree to this.

DD will have to stop saying I paid nothing for college. That makes me happy because I assumed there was no way I'd be paying for college. And despite my feelings about my ex, I am happy he will get the child support he deserves, I don't like not meeting my obligations.

so please send positive thoughts for me, this could all be over very soon and I will be truly done with my ex-husband. Free at last after 14 yrs of divorce hell. And hopefully, DD will start to come around.

[Ultralight]

1. I am glad you are getting some relief here. FFS! You're so ill. How can you not get relief?! You are exactly what we have social safety nets for!

2. I really feel like you need kinder, more compassionate, and more thoughtful people in your life.


If you ever want/need to PM me about things -- to vent or share good news -- feel free! :)

[Teacher Terry]

FS: I am so happy to hear your news and hope your ex agrees to everything. The one lesson that working with people with disabilities taught me is that no one regardless of $, education, status, etc is exempt from a sudden illness/disability that rips your life apart. I think you have done an amazing job of coping with your situation. Hugs:))

[freshstart]

thank you, both, so kind

UA, I agree on #2. I was depressed and down for a long time and let many friendships wither and die. Some of them can probably be resuscitated with effort and awkwardness, time will tell.

Not having to think about what the ex is up to next will be a huge burden lifted off my shoulders and he should leave me alone because in his eyes, he's "won". He doesn't get that the kids lost. I have the rest of my life to change that.

[Teacher Terry]

YOu might want to try to rekindle some of the friendships and you may be pleasantly surprised that many of the people may want to too. Most people can understand that you were going thru such a tough time and only had so much energy. The kids always lose in these types of situations but not your fault.

[SteveinMN]

YOu might want to try to rekindle some of the friendships and you may be pleasantly surprised that many of the people may want to too. Most people can understand that you were going thru such a tough time and only had so much energy.
+1 on this. Through my divorce I leaned on particular people hard and, eventually, had the mindset and energy to go back to the earlier friendships. I also found deeper friendships in what I considered to be unlikely quarters and those have continued.

Similarly, my mom has been so busy taking care of our handicapped family member and becoming 80-something that she had largely foregone her relationships pre-crisis. By chance she ended up hearing from one of those kind-of-long-ago friends -- who had gone through her own stuff, including the death of her husband and some health challenges -- and they are re-forming the friendship. Never say never and realize that other people likely are feeling the same way about not attending their relationships with you (fs).

[freshstart]

One thing about letting friendships whither is I am embarrassed to have people see how I have changed. That my memory is so awful, conversations with multiple people can be unmanageable. Plus, when I left work, none of us thought it was a permanent thing, so I'm dreading having to share what happened medically that I couldn't come back. I want to talk about anything BUT that. Finally, after a year, I agreed to meet my closest work friend, someone who I could trust that if interacting with me is akin to chatting with a marshmallow, I know she will not run back to work and tell everyone how bad I am. That lunch went really well and she said it's not nearly as noticeable as I think it is and I think I believe her, she would tell me. So that re-opens re-connecting with some hospice folks who have wanted to get together. That will be good.

my best friend has been told everything since the day it happened and she and my one cousin have seen me multiple times. Nothing terrible happened, I survived so I really have no excuse for not reaching out to others. I wish my best friend was not 5 hrs away because she really gets it.

thanks for the advice

[Gardenarian]

I'm so glad that at least one part of this is over for you. Any news on your diagnosis?

[freshstart]

I have one diagnosis, the low BP and rapid pulse that leads to falls is an autonomic syndrome called POT. With medication it has improved but it sneaks up out of nowhere a few times a week and lands me on the floor. I got cleared to ride a recumbent bike. I'd like to be cleared to walk the dogs but standing up for too long is when the falls happen. The loss of short term and long term memory and the large IQ loss is still being worked up. My great neurologist spent one day a week in my city, she up and quit, she was really good. But I was able to get in with the head of neurology at our biggest medical center. I have high hopes for him. There's other stuff but I have a feeling it all ties into whatever happened or is happening neurologically. Who knows.

I'm trying not to get discouraged and I was challenging myself, like I can still get into the hospice education network and take a short class and then a test. Stuff I used to know in my sleep backward and forward, I never missed a question on the tests, now I fail miserably. That and not being able to remember and enjoy "harder" reading, made me decide to not challenge myself on these two things right now, too upsetting. Read easier things and meet my goal of reading 2 hrs a day vs trying to read what I used to read, getting frustrated, then angry and end up reading nothing I remember at all. I'm realizing enough time has gone by that my memory probably isn't going to get miraculously better so I need to accept that I need to make adaptations. I'm stubborn about that but then things happen like I let the dogs out and forget that I did so and by the time I let them in or someone else does, I have no idea how long they were out. So when I let them out, I stick a post it on my chest. I have lots of tricks like that that I taught patients, now I just have to remember them and apply them to my prideful self. Nurses are terrible patients!

Sometimes nursing knowledge comes back when someone i know needs advice. My aunt's friend is dying of Alzheimer's, her husband stopped over and had no idea he could get hospice in the nursing home. So I told him and he got it. Then this week she started actively dying and he had lots of questions, luckily he asked me them over email so I could slowly explain what to expect rather than having to pull it out of my memory in a conversation. He called and said I really helped him and his kids so that felt great. I haven't felt useful to anyone in a very long time and I miss it. I miss having a well defined purpose.

after all, the site is Simple Living, not Simple-Minded Living, lol

[nswef]

But for now simple minded is what you need. I'm so glad you were able to help your Aunt's friend. Breathe.