Elderly in-laws conundrum

[pinkytoe]

This is likely a topic for a caregiving forum but simpletons usually have a different take on thorny issues...so here goes.
We are signing a sales contract on our house today and thus begins the process of finding our next place to live. A city in another state has been a dream for probably thirty years now and all the pieces for it to happen are in place except one - my in-laws. They currently live 100 miles away from our current location and are both in declining health. Somehow, they have managed to stay in their house but refuse any outside help from anyone other than family. Neither one should be allowed to drive but they do. MIL has often stated "the kids will take care of us". FIL actually cries if we even mention moving far away. I hold some ill feelings about this as I believe we should plan for our elder years while of sound mind. It puts DH in a really hard place too since he feels guilt on top of resentment. His sister moved close by a few years ago so there would be someone here to tend to them but leaving it all to her is bothersome too. At 61, we feel like deferring the dream any longer might jeopardize it actually happening. In any case, we have to move somewhere soon so a decision must be made. I guess the question is what do we owe our parents in this instance?

[iris lilies]

I have a few random thoughts about this.

Your sister in law moved there of her own choice. So while the burdon of care will fall to her, she chose it. I think the most important relationship to cultivate in this situation may be with her, not with your DH's parents. When conflict arises about the oldsters it will go much more smoothly if your hubby and she are on the same page. Triangulation is bad.

Looking back in my situation with my mother 300 miles away, I was always supportive of the overall arc of my brother's care for her. While I questioned privately some of the little things he did, and while I suspect his wife ramped up drama in some situations because she likes drama, overall the two of them did an excellent job with our mother.

So thats another thing--unless you have specific training in elder care or in medical issues you will always take a back seat in decision making with these elderly parents, a back seat to their children because you are an in-law. Doesnt matter how long youve been in the family. You cant change this.

How is the relationship between your DH and his sister? Do they talk regularly about their parents? What are her thoughts about the next step in living arrangements for them?

[pinkytoe]

We are on the same page with sis. She actually covertly sent a letter to their doc explaining their weekly falls and difficulties. On their next visit, he suggested to them that they would benefit from some occasional help with errands and such. MIL flatly said - no I don't want strangers in my house. I dealt with my own parents and little brother's separate health declines years ago and I haven't forgotten what a toll it takes as the primary caregiver. And yes, as the DIL, I really don't have much say in how it all plays out.

[freshstart]

I saw this situation all the time, parent gets sick, one sibling lives in town and by default does the caregiving even if this is not how they wanted to spend their retirement time or they are still working and trying to care for the parent. The sibs in other states would fly in for a weekend every few months to give "respite" to the sibling but they didn't know how to provide the care so no respite for the in-town sib really. I think it works when the out of town sibs are willing, if able, to put money towards the caregiving needs, like pay for some aide time, pay for grocery delivery or a housekeeper, then the in-town sib isn't on the hook for every single chore or need. Mostly it requires excellent communication between the sibs so resentment doesn't even have a chance to start.

[iris lilies]

I saw this situation all the time, parent gets sick, one sibling lives in town and by default does the caregiving even if this is not how they wanted to spend their retirement time or they are still working and trying to care for the parent. The sibs in other states would fly in for a weekend every few months to give "respite" to the sibling but they didn't know how to provide the care so no respite for the in-town sib really. I think it works when the out of town sibs are willing, if able, to put money towards the caregiving needs, like pay for some aide time, pay for grocery delivery or a housekeeper, then the in-town sib isn't on the hook for every single chore or need. Mostly it requires excellent communication between the sibs so resentment doesn't even have a chance to start.

I wouldnt give one nickel to elderly parents who had the money themselves to hire stuff out.

Over and over I am seeing this with my friends and their parents and people I know, 3-4 families at the moment. The parents have craploads of money, I am talking about assets in financial instruments of $500,000 to multi millions depending on the family. Yet, the oldsters still expect "help" from their children for their increasingly problematic life of physical fraility and falling, house and yard maintenance, bad driving, management of complex finances, etc. What a burdon.

Meanwhile, we have two sets of friends age 80 who sensibly sold their big houses and moved to one floor living some years ago. Not surprisingly they are very active in their community. I think the two go hand in hand--flexibility and community involvement. When people sit inside their homes of 30-40-50 years with a shrinkIng world of community, they lose the ability to change and adapt. Their old habits of hoarding money contnue at the expense of life energy of their children.


The seniors who have no money for alternatives get more of my sympathy.

But even that can go bad. i am watching one story play out where my friend, a youngest sibling, took on huge financial burdon for his much older sister by paying her mortgage. Oh yeah, the sister had to compelety renovate her house on his dime. And oh yeah, his nephew was the contractor who ran up huge excesses. What a crock. My friend is under a monetary strain that makes me ill, and now it seems that his sister wont even live in the house much longer, the house they planned to live in together. A very foolish financial decision on his part.

[iris lilies]

OP, what Ive seen with my friends is that a division of work with their siblings where an off site, out of town sibling manages the finances of parents works just fine. Your inlaws may not be there yet, but that is a job you and your DH can do to relieve the burdon of your SIL.

But in the main, defining boundaries of what you will not do is important. If you and your SIL can define the same boundaries such as "we will not help with house maintenance, inside or out" and "we will not drive you around town, you need to find a way to get around" then that forces decisions of your in laws. If they cry and wail, thats fine, that is their reaction and you cannot control that.

Always make it clear that you will help with their personal care because you value them, but it is care of their "stuff" like a house and car that you wont do. Your resources are limited in time, you get to choose how to spend your time and life energy. You can say these things regretfully and sadly to them, that you are sorry you just dont have these resources to give.

Help your sil make those boundary defining decisions, too. Assure her its ok to define what she will not do in taking care of her parents crap and stuff. I always told my brother when I thought he was doing too much for our mother. Perhaps that wasnt helpful,haha, but my intent was to keep a set of expectations off his shoulders.

[razz]

OP, what Ive seen with my friends is that a division of work with the siblings is that someone off site can manage the finances of the parents. Your inlaws may not be there yet, but that is a job you and your DH can do to relieve the burdon of your SIL.

But in the main, defining boundaries of what you will not do is important. If you and your SIL can define the same boundaries such as "we will not help with house maintenance, inside or out" and "we will not drive you around town, you need to find a way to get around" then that forces decisions of your in laws. If they cry and wail, thats fine, that is their reaction and you cannot control that.

Always make it clear that you will help with their personal care because you value them, but it is care of their "stuff" like a house and car that you wont do. Your resources are limited in time, you get to choose how to spend your time and life energy. You can say these things regretfully and sadly to them, that you are sorry you just dont have these resources to give.

Help your sil make those boundary defining decisions, too. Assure her its ok to define what she will not do in taking care of her parents crap and stuff. I always told my brother when I thought he was doing too much for our mother. Perhaps that wasnt helpful,haha, but my intent was to keep a set of expectations off his shoulders.
+1
Define boundaries is the best advice if the parents won't make the appropriate decisions to relieve the next generation's pressure to cope with added responsibilities. Give them an outline of what you and Sis will and won't do and stick to it. Present it kindly but firmly and stick to it!!!!

[Williamsmith]

OP, what Ive seen with my friends is that a division of work with the siblings is that someone off site can manage the finances of the parents. Your inlaws may not be there yet, but that is a job you and your DH can do to relieve the burdon of your SIL.

But in the main, defining boundaries of what you will not do is important. If you and your SIL can define the same boundaries such as "we will not help with house maintenance, inside or out" and "we will not drive you around town, you need to find a way to get around" then that forces decisions of your in laws. If they cry and wail, thats fine, that is their reaction and you cannot control that.

Always make it clear that you will help with their personal care because you value them, but it is care of their "stuff" like a house and car that you wont do. Your resources are limited in time, you get to choose how to spend your time and life energy. You can say these things regretfully and sadly to them, that you are sorry you just dont have these resources to give.

Help your sil make those boundary defining decisions, too. Assure her its ok to define what she will not do in taking care of her parents crap and stuff. I always told my brother when I thought he was doing too much for our mother. Perhaps that wasnt helpful,haha, but my intent was to keep a set of expectations off his shoulders.

This for me, could have been the best advise I've seen written here in a long time. +1 more.

I was fortunate. My FIL realized his inability to maintain their ranch house, sold it and moved into an apartment before he got seriously ill. He never went to a nursing facility due mostly to the assistance of hospice. Those nurses were lifesavers. My MIL suffered shortly thereafter with dementia and did end up in a nursing facility but all worked out. All this happened after my BIL suddenly moved 600 miles away. That left my wife with all the responsibilities. No other siblings.

My brother currently resides with my elderly mother. Up until last week, she refused to even consider selling her mansion which has been deteriorating because she can't afford repairs. But she shocked me when she mentioned if the brother moves out she will consider an apartment for seniors. Whew. Every time I see her I talk her her about how her stuff is not my responsibility. She is. And that's the way it has to be.

[sweetana3]

Some truly great responses. Very important that your family and sisters have a coordinated front and make sure the parents understand it. Also it can help to have alternatives ready for them (at least the information). It can be a crisis or a planned situation depending on the information.

[Teacher Terry]

My Dad got really disabled at age 59 and we bought the house next door to help them. My 2 sibs were living out of town. My Mom was sensible and over a period of 5 years we cleaned out her excess possessions with many sales and eventually they moved to a nearby 2 bedroom apt. I helped my Mom for the 20 years I lived there. Then I had to move across the country for a job and my 2 sibs were only 1 hour and 6 hours away. When my Mom declined they helped her and being older they retired and had more time to help. I would use all my vacation time to fly out to help when needed. I always felt like that worked out good because we all did some. However, I know that if I had still lived in the same town they wouldn't have lifted a finger. At age 61 if you don't move and live your dream now it won't happen. I would move. hopefully, the inlaws will come around but if not the SIL did choose to move close to them. I never intend to be a burden to my kids. We have downsized into a small one level home and gotten rid of tons of our possessions so if something happens to us it won't be huge for the kids.

[freshstart]

I guess I should've been more clear, I was talking about a scenario where the parent is sicker and lacks their own resources and it all, by default, is suddenly the in-town sibs burden simply because they are there. There seemed to be a lot of cases where communication between in-town and out of town sibs was not good and the in-town sib grew resentful and eventually overburdened.

[Gardnr]

This is what I say to my DH: Be sure you can live with the decisions you make.

My parents are both deceased-Dad first so Mom was there and when she did no longer want to be his caregiver, help came in. Mom's diagnosis was to be a rapid decline/death. My youngest sister and I cared for her those 7 weeks with 2 "reprieves" of a week by the 2 out of state sisters. Mom had the funding for all expenses and our in-town brother handled money.

I would tend to encourage that you and hub follow your life plan. To give up everything? I would not be able to live with that. Easy for me to say as my parents are long gone.

Your DH and his sister could have a long discussion about this if desired to come to terms with it all. She did move there of her own volition.

Best of luck with your decisions and your future.

[SteveinMN]

You all are adults.

As others have stated, your SiL moved into town and knew/should have known this could happen during her watch. Not to leave her holding the entire bag; there definitely should be some cooperation in whatever you can do from a distance -- Dream City. You should move. Life can change in a hurry and it would be a shame to miss an opportunity you've waited 30 years to fulfill. And your parents will need to adapt. Right now it's too easy for them to play on emotions and history for help. If SiL were not in town and your move was work-based/not optional, what then? They would move or find people who could do what they could no longer do or ... especially since they have the money to do it.

Boundaries are critical here. So is the ability to say 'no' and have it heard by all concerned if you need to say it. All of you. I went through a lot of this with my mom. We're in a somewhat unusual situation because I'm her landlord. But, beyond that, if she needs to get to, say, a routine doctor's appointment, she can ask me if I (or DW) can take her or she can enlist our help in finding a time when we can take her (sometimes we call the doctor) or she can arrange her own transportation. There is no imperious "Oh, by the way, I have a doctor's appointment at 10 am Thursday" demand.

Oh, and my mom hated the idea of strangers coming into her house, too. That gradually wore away as she saw that the people were there to address her needs, not "case the joint" or whatever. They were there as part of their job and they did things she could do no other way.

Hang in there. Not to say you need to practice "tough love" here. But it's very easy to be manipulated. Don't let that happen. You have many years left of your lives to live -- all of you.

[Teacher Terry]

One thing you can do is visit for a few weeks to give the SIL time off. when I was the one living out of town I did that.