I want simpler relationships

[freshstart]

I tend to get caught up in the drama around here and then it escalates. Although my parents are good people who have been good to me, they are not good communicators. My brother included, there is a lot of triangulation and after thinking about this wedding stuff, I'm kind of done. I am going to try very hard to own only my own problems. I will help others with theirs but I am done getting over involved until it's a needlessly huge mess. I am going to count to ten before I jump in with a solution to someone else's problem. My shrink is starting me with meditation, I hated it and was horrible at it in hospice but it's been shown to have an impact on depression. I will get the book or CD and try it.

my kids are 17 and almost 19, old enough to start learning from their mistakes and they aren't exactly asking for my input as to what they should do with they lives. I'm going to keep things light and I won't be the one who brings up concerns, they can do that.

I am a controlling person and I recognize this and need to change this within myself or this family is going to drive me batty. Let it go, let it all go

[catherine]

Yes, "staying on your own side of the street" is key. Recognizing that it's more important to give people the dignity of their own choice than it is to get them to things the "right" way (i.e., MY way). It's hard to walk that line when you are parents of teens, though! Meditation might be a good idea. And pick your battles.

But I question the ability to have "simpler relationships." I think all relationships are inherently messy. One of my favorite songs is by Elton John--I Want Love:

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love


We all know that when we sign up for love, we're not getting the easy kind or the simple kind.

[nswef]

Oh Freshstart, That is SO HARD to do, but I have done it...sometimes...and it helps so much to just WAIT before jumping in. Things tend to resolve themselves without you getting involved at all. So, good luck and stay strong.

[freshstart]

I should've stayed out of the whole wedding mess and realized my desire for the perfect family day had about a 3% chance of happening so why get involved?

[razz]

Start each day fresh. Let yesterday go with the water under the bridge is how I have made my life simpler. Any memories of the past are just thoughts so don't carry them around with you. Just acknowledge the thoughts that come to mind and let them go.

[Geila]

I should've stayed out of the whole wedding mess and realized my desire for the perfect family day had about a 3% chance of happening so why get involved?

It's hard to accept that the family we want is not the family we have.

"Taking care of others" rarely works well for either party. What if you made your well-being the focus of your efforts and energy? How would your life look? What would you do differently?

[freshstart]

I truly don't know and that is a very good point. I know one thing, I'd stop losing sleep that my children believe their father's horrible sayings about me and I'd acknowledge I was a very good mother, despite what they think now. They were not cruel children when they left to live with him and now I am ashamed of their behavior. That wouldn't have happened on my watch. But that's not focusing on me, I'm going to have to think on this. Definitely less contact with the kids unless they contact me. That needs to be put in place again.

[Simplemind]

DD's refusal to go is not a reflection of her parenting (either side) but more of her relationship with your brother. If it was tight she wouldn't miss it. It isn't tight with DS either or he wouldn't need GF there to keep him entertained.
A lot of thought it put into a wedding list, even more so when it is small and intimate. That means that the who is just as important if not more so than how many. GF does not belong there no matter who doesn't show up. Don't put your brother in that position.

[freshstart]

I'm giving DD til Weds to decide. If she's a no, I'm telling my brother that and washing my hands of the whole affair. Let him decide who sits in that seat because I am past caring at this point

[Ultralight]

I tend to get caught up in the drama around here and then it escalates. Although my parents are good people who have been good to me, they are not good communicators. My brother included, there is a lot of triangulation and after thinking about this wedding stuff, I'm kind of done. I am going to try very hard to own only my own problems. I will help others with theirs but I am done getting over involved until it's a needlessly huge mess. I am going to count to ten before I jump in with a solution to someone else's problem. My shrink is starting me with meditation, I hated it and was horrible at it in hospice but it's been shown to have an impact on depression. I will get the book or CD and try it.

my kids are 17 and almost 19, old enough to start learning from their mistakes and they aren't exactly asking for my input as to what they should do with they lives. I'm going to keep things light and I won't be the one who brings up concerns, they can do that.

I am a controlling person and I recognize this and need to change this within myself or this family is going to drive me batty. Let it go, let it all go

About meditation...

Remember that it is not so much about being "good" at it. Meditation is more about being willing or unwilling to do it.

I meditate 20 mins a day every day. I did a 20 minute session just this morning. Sometimes I meditate sitting or I will do a walking meditation. Other times I lay flat on my back on the floor and do a "body scan" meditation.

Often my mind wanders, then I just guide it back to my breath or to my body scan. Sometimes it wanders a lot. Sometimes it wanders little.

Consider meditating for a very short time period each day, like 2 minutes. Do this for one month. See what you think.


Your 19 year old is launched. Your 17 year old it about to be launched. More or less, from now on the circumstances of their life is on them. They can burn bridges or build them. Let them make their own mistakes. Let them work for their own successes.

[freshstart]

Thanks, UA. Good advice

[Geila]

freshstart - I wanted to post a link to the excellent Kaiser meditation podcast site. It's all free and you can either listen online or download. I like to download and then listen with my headphones on. Try out a few different ones; I've found that sometimes I have to try 2 or 3 before I hit on the one that really speaks to what I'm feeling at that moment. I often listen to the sleep one before bed. I think you'll enjoy the different meditations.

Here's the site:
https://healthy.kaiserpermanente.org/health/care/!ut/p/a0/FchBDoMgEADAt_iAzYZEYfFmhH6hhdsGiZIIGELt99seZ9DjC3 3hO-3cUy18_uxCLD22md9bqnCnLVZ8okd_Nd4zoysVAocj_o9bT-GM6IzVap2MBamlBCGsgEWPBohoUkKp8UErXjnTZxmGL2IKPpI!/

[Ultralight]

http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html

The link goes to a free online copy of Mindfulness in Plain English.

Though I suggest checking it out from the library in old fashioned book form.

[Mary B.]

freshstart, you might like Jon Kabat Zinn's approach to meditation. He has two books -- Full Catastrophe Living is one, Wherever you go there you are is another -- both about meditation for everyday people in stressful situations. He started a mindfulness program at Johns Hopkins for people facing serious illnesses, and his language is really every day not "woo woo ish"

[catherine]

freshstart, you might like Jon Kabat Zinn's approach to meditation. He has two books -- Full Catastrophe Living is one, Wherever you go there you are is another -- both about meditation for everyday people in stressful situations. He started a mindfulness program at Johns Hopkins for people facing serious illnesses, and his language is really every day not "woo woo ish"

Great suggestion. I have "Wherever You Go, There you Are" and it's very friendly to the novice Western meditator.

[freshstart]

thanks everyone!

[freshstart]

I just got the Mindful Way through Depression book on CD from the library, I'll try it tonight

[Cypress]

I should've stayed out of the whole wedding mess and realized my desire for the perfect family day had about a 3% chance of happening so why get involved?

Hi Freshstart, I am not up to speed with what is happening, but I do know that weddings and funerals tend to bring out the best or worst in families. Whatever fall out there has been, it's what it is. It sounds like you need a break from the routines and people all around you. Meditation is one way to help balance out. It's not for everyone but I highly advocate a meditation practice of some kind. It doesn't have to be sitting quietly. Coloring can be highly meditative and accomplish the same goal of focusing and doing one thing quietly, all by yourself.

Can you just take an afternoon off? Just take yourself out of the routine for a few minutes a day?

[freshstart]

I have adult coloring books and I have the Mindfulness book on CD. I plan on appts and packing today with lots of time left over to relax tomorrow. I will help my mother who has an end stage disease but I'm not spending hours on minutia that does not need to be done but she has so much anxiety, she thinks it does. I'm even getting a pedicure tomorrow but I have to take her and her anxiety gives me anxiety. I think she panics because she can do so little, she has to depend on others to get her needs met and then factor in a wedding and she is 10xs worse. I know already I need time away from her tomorrow. thanks for the advice

[TxZen]

2016 is my year of I am in it for me and not you. Sounds mean but I am over everyone else dragging me into their drama. It really does affect my health. I am focuses solely on what goes on in my life and my home and that is it. If I get a text, phone call or stopped in the store by someone who wants to drag me under, I just say "good luck." and keep moving. Someone said to me that I wasn't as nice as I used to be. I said what I am no I am not a pushover anymore. I wish you the peace and strength you need.

[Ultralight]

2016 is my year of I am in it for me and not you.

Please tell me more. This is interesting stuff!

[TxZen]

Well, I am one of those people who gets so involved in trying to help everyone that it wears me out, to the point of tears and yelling. LOL SOOOO I decided this year to pick just one charity or cause to help and that is it. If people call needing something, I honestly tell them I cannot help because of prior commitments but I do point them to someone or some place that can help.

You see, I tend to get overly involved and end up doing 90% of the work and then resentment forms. As I stated on another thread, someone said I am not as nice as I used to be. I am still nice but it's because they can't take advantage of me and I smell their BS a mile away and will call them on it, they think I am not as nice. I am truly focused on my home and what happens in between them and everyone else can kiss off. It's not that I am not sympathetic or wanting to help, but I realized I have my own limitations.

[Ultralight]

I realized I have my own limitations.

:+1:

I can dig it!

[sylvia]

Yes accepting your limitations accepting - yourself good and bad is like going with the flow of your life and not against.It has become very liberating embracing those things I would push away about myself, now the world has really opened up to me.Especially limitations is actually liberating by knowing where your strengths are and also by turning your weakness -your limitation into an empowering one by know what they are and moving on. So its not a cycle of defeat by facing what you cannot do but by shifting things and doing what you can, finding better ways that work for you. Keep up the good work!

[freshstart]

this is excellent advice