How do I handle this family negotiation?

[Ultralight]

Okay, chaps and gals, it seems like family functions (and dysfunctions) are on the threads at the moment. So I figure I will float this one out there and see what the crowd-source, in all its wisdom, says.

My sis and BIL are having a baby (due in Oct.).

My sis's friend is planning the baby-shower (same friend who planned my sis's wedding). My sis asked my mom who she thought should be invited from our family.

My mom rattled off 16 people. This would be a dozen more people than my sister invited to her wedding from our family. 75 people attended her wedding. Like 4 were from our family (including me, the celebrant).

Anyway, 16 people seemed like too many to my sis. And my mom wanted to invite family members my sis profoundly dislikes (such as one of our cousins who had a kid by some creepy rando; this cousin let her newborn get a really bad lobster-style sunburn; this incident provoked disdain from my sis and now my sis refuses to be around her ever).

My sis is asking me about what could repel my mom and shut down her plans to invite so many family members and so many friends (my mom's friends) to the baby shower.

I am not sure what to tell her. One, I am not familiar with baby-showers and I am obviously in no way directly involved. Two, I don't want to make the situation worse.

My mom is treating this as though it is all about her (my mom).

I am usually pretty good at ticking my mom off so bad that she will shut down and withdraw from me and give me space. But I am not sure this is such an occasion to suggest my sis do something like that.

Thoughts?

[Geila]

Your sister asked her mom who she thought should be invited.
Mom provides her list of people to sister, as asked.
Sister can invite whomever she wants to from the list provided to her per her request.
I don't see that Mom did anything wrong, or that sister needs to invite everyone on the list. List asked for, list received. The end. No drama.

Sure, Mom might get upset that some of her friends were not invited. That happens when people are asked for their input. If sister did not want mom's input, she should not have asked. And I don't see that sister is under obligation to invite people she doesn't like.

Baby showers are usually just a couple of hours of gifts and some games, and food. It's a chance for sister to have fun with her friends and family members and to look at ADORABLE baby clothes! :)

[Ultralight]

Baby showers are usually just a couple of hours of gifts and some games, and food. It's a chance for sister to have fun with her friends and family members and to look at ADORABLE baby clothes! :)

This (above) is what my sis wants.

My mom wants a chance to be showered with positive attention and to put her "successful" daughter on display.

Had my sis not asked, things probably would have been worse. My mom may have just invited people without consulting my sister.

[Geila]

This (above) is what my sis wants.

My mom wants a chance to be showered with positive attention and to put her "successful" daughter on display.

Had my sis not asked, things probably would have been worse. My mom may have just invited people without consulting my sister.

I would suggest doing a friends only shower then. There's no need for the family to be invited to it, including mom.

If mom wants to do her own shower, as many people do, she can have a family shower that she plans and hosts - your sister will have to decide whether she's willing to attend that. Most moms will want to attend a shower for their daughters so she might have to endure it as a compromise.

Many women I know have more than one shower - some have something simple at work or at a restaurant with co-workers, one with their friends where they can really relax and have fun, and then the obligatory family one which is usually a grab bag depending on who attends and how much they annoy. :) Family is going to annoy no matter what. :D

[Chicken lady]

The FRIEND is throwing the baby shower.

sis tells friend which people she wants invited. If mom objects, sis tells mom that this was the size of the group she and friend agreed on.. Mom can throw another baby shower if she wants. (This will clearly have to be not at mom's house, and from what I have heard from you, will probably never happen.)

[Chicken lady]

Cross post.

[Ultralight]

Family is going to annoy no matter what. :D

So true.

What I eventually told my sis was: "Be firm about who you want to attend."

So now my sis is saying only Mom, one aunt, and one cousin will be permitted to attend. Obviously there will be a larger number of the in-laws there, which really bothers my mom. Such is life though.

[Ultralight]

My sis's friend is a real blessing (sorry to use Christianese). But she is. This friend is a tactful, organized task master.

Part of me thinks that having the friend tell my mom "no" would actually turn out better across the board. haha


I just feel bad for my sis. These important moments in her life -- getting married, having a baby, etc. -- always involved my mom trying to usurp the occasion for her own purposes.

My sis should just enjoy these times with her friends and the few fam she likes. She wanted her wedding to be kept simple. She wants this shower to be simple and just enjoyable, not a production for my mom's thirstiness!

[Chicken lady]

I feel for your sister. My mother in law basically considered my wedding to be a practice run for my sil's wedding. Have I mentioned how relieved I am that she can't come to my Dd's wedding?

[Ultralight]

My mother in law basically considered my wedding to be a practice run for my sil's wedding.

Wha...? How?

[Teacher Terry]

YOur sis gets to decide. Why do sp many from the Dh's side and so few your side? or are more of the invitees just friends?

[Ultralight]

YOur sis gets to decide. Why do sp many from the Dh's side and so few your side? or are more of the invitees just friends?

My sis is the decider. True.

After she and I talked about this more, she just wanted some confirmation that she really was the decider here.

So she is just going to have my mom (obligation), my aunt (the one she likes and the one who helps control my mom in social situations), and one cousin she actually likes.

But my BIL's family is just more normal. They have Sunday dinners, play cards, do cook-outs in the summer -- stuff like that.

They are more like a real family -- close, tight-knit, look out for each other, etc.

My sis likes them for this reason, so she opts to spend most holidays and special occasions with them or around them if she can.

[Teacher Terry]

That makes perfect sense then.