View Full Version : You will marry the wrong person
This is interesting enough for a hit and run post!
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?action=click&contentCollection=U.S.&module=Trending&version=Full®ion=Marginalia&pgtype=article
"We make mistakes, too, because we are so lonely. No one can be in an optimal frame of mind to choose a partner when remaining single feels unbearable. We have to be wholly at peace with the prospect of many years of solitude in order to be appropriately picky; otherwise, we risk loving no longer being single rather more than we love the partner who spared us that fate."
iris lilies
6-3-16, 2:44pm
More victimology clickbait.
Even if we divorced tomorrow, I married the right person.I was not " so lonely" nor did being single "feel unbearable."
This is very stupid, the end.
ps weve had only three arguments today and its not even 2 pm. Haha. We are running around cleaning house for weekend guests and preparing dor a two day sale of our park cnservancy. Lots to argue about! Haha.
More victimology clickbait.
Even if we divorced tomorrow, I married the right person.I was not " so lonely" nor did being single "feel unbearable."
This is very stupid, the end.
ps weve had only three arguments today and its not even 2 pm. Haha. We are running around cleaning house for weekend guests and preparing dor a two day sale of our park cnservancy. Lots to argue about! Haha.
It is obvious you did not read it all.
Yeah. Being single never felt unbearable to me. Luckily.
iris lilies
6-3-16, 2:50pm
It is obvious you did not read it all.
I did ot, the first paragraph was silly. Is there a different conclusin from the paragraph you quoted?
As someone who has been married most of my life I think this line is key:
"Compatibility is an achievement of love"
Maybe I got lucky or maybe I am just a tolerant person but I am mostly happily married to the same person for a LONG time.
I hope you find that UL; it is one of the joys of life as far as I am concerned to find someone to share your life with for its entirety.
I did ot, the first paragraph was silly. Is there a different conclusin from the paragraph you quoted?
Commenting on and dismissing an entire article you did not read. This is very stupid, the end.
ApatheticNoMore
6-3-16, 2:56pm
I don't think it's victimology, but it seems very trite. Sure if you marry at 20 you might feel that way maybe, but you'll mature out of it one way or other, and whether you marry or not probably.
I would make an exception for people who tend to marry into verbal or physical abuse because it's all they know, I don't think advise like this is very applicable to them: "Choosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we would most like to sacrifice ourselves for." If being in a relationship (not early dating or something which is anxiety producing for everyone, but the actual relationship) brings more suffering than being single, then for heaven's sake: BE SINGLE!!!!
But it doesn't mean you need to be 100% unlonely before you are worthy of a relationship either.
I do see the "recreate your family environment" thing. Every successful relationship I've had has been with very chatty extroverts--just like my mother. (I even read somewhere the notion that "everyone marries their mother.") I don't believe I've ever even dated an introvert, or a depressive, for that matter.
As someone who has been married most of my life I think this line is key:
"Compatibility is an achievement of love"
Maybe I got lucky or maybe I am just a tolerant person but I am mostly happily married to the same person for a LONG time.
I hope you find that UL; it is one of the joys of life as far as I am concerned to find someone to share your life with for its entirety.
Good on you. I appreciate thew well-wishes.
But I ain't getting married again. Women are just gold diggers who want my money!
Good on you. I appreciate thew well-wishes.
But I ain't getting married again. Women are just gold diggers who want my money!
Oh, please.
Oh, please.
Jane:
It was just some self-deprecating humor. Loosen up on a Friday! :moon:
Everyone knows I am just a workin' schlub and owe the gubmint $160k in student loans!
I should have known, considering. :D
iris lilies
6-3-16, 4:12pm
Commenting on and dismissing an entire article you did not read. This is very stupid, the end.
Haha. So, what are thoughtful discussion points in this article? It was your selection, so tell us.
iris lilies
6-3-16, 4:12pm
I do see the "recreate your family environment" thing. Every successful relationship I've had has been with very chatty extroverts--just like my mother. (I even read somewhere the notion that "everyone marries their mother.") I don't believe I've ever even dated an introvert, or a depressive, for that matter.
I married my father.
Haha. So, what are thoughtful discussion points in this article? It was your selection, so tell us.
I said: "This is interesting enough for a hit and run post!"
Teacher Terry
6-3-16, 4:57pm
the first 2x's I didn't marry my mom or Dad. The 3rd time I married my Dad.
I will never marry someone like my mom.
SO is definitely not my mother. She was afraid of not being taken seriously. As a result several funny stories that made her seem infinitely more human to me were kept in my dad's private thoughts and memories until after her death, when he then shared them with my sister and me. SO, on the other hand loves to be deprecative. On an early date I took him on a walk across the Brooklyn bridge. About halfway across he commented that the Brooklyn skyline was much more impressive than he had expected. He hadn't realized that I had taken us by subway to Brooklyn and were in fact walking towards Manhattan. I pointed this out (me:turn around. Him: what's that? Me: THAT's the Brooklyn skyline. Still impressed?) and he laughed the rest of the way across the bridge and spent the next week sharing this story with friends and family, laughing at himself as much on the twentieth telling as he had when it happened.
I read that article over the weekend and LOVED it. What stuck with me most is what the author says about how we live in a culture that sends us so many messages that our romantic partner will be The Answer and somehow protect us from the suffering that is just an inherent part of life, and that's a lot of pressure to put on another person. Also, I liked what he said about how after the infatuation period with someone there is inevitably some disappointment (on both sides) and it's in facing that disappointment and maintaining a sense of humor and a sense of generosity around it that true intimacy begins. Definitely what I believe is true about relationships at this point in my life.
Chicken lady
6-4-16, 8:33am
I always led with as much of my crazy as I could throw out there - quick, run before I get attached! After 4 years, Dh still refused to be driven off, so I married him.
The key takeaway I got from this article was that you shouldn't expect perfection, or a knight on a white horse, or the female version of that, but that's what people tend to do.
Interestingly, I'm in VT with my kids for the weekend, and my most romantic son (who is unattached at the moment) talked about how he respects the marriage his father and I have because we both put up with lots of crap from each other, but, in spite of it, we remain close and devoted now, perhaps even closer and more devoted than ever.
And I probably quoted this article to him without knowing it, because that's what I said, "You realize no one is perfect. You find someone with your general value system, and flaws you can live with, and expect to have fights and disappointments and sometimes even severe blows. Love is very messy, but it's worth it."
Miss Cellane
6-4-16, 9:15am
I married my father.
That's interesting. I've just realized I've spent my adult life getting away from men like my father.
Now, Dad had a lot of good qualities. But he was also an alcoholic. And the family revolved around not getting Dad upset, because then all hell would break loose. He was very dependent on my mother, who was a very strong woman, but clearly co-dependent.
And the majority of men who have been attracted to me have been very, very dependent kinds of guys. Eventually, they want me to fix their lives for them. They whine continually about how every one else is treating them badly, and I'm supposed to fix thing and make them better, or at least prop them up with reassurances that they are wonderful and the other people are horrible and they deserve so much better.
That is so exhausting. There's a reason I've never married and I'm in my 50s. I've never met a man who was interested in me who could stand on his own two feet.
And contrary to this article, I would much rather be single, than married to the type of man who thinks I will take care of him and solve all his problems. A husband would have to enhance my life. Would have to make it better in some way. Not just keep me from being lonely. Which I seldom am, anyway. Usually, after a hard day's work, I relish coming home and not having to deal with anyone at all. It's bliss.
Now, there's a bit of a downside. Tell someone you are over 50 and never married and never lived with anyone and only had one or two long-term relationships in your life, and they tend to think there's something wrong with you. You don't fit the mold, you are different, you are suspect.
So I have to wonder. Since society and the media push this image of everyone being coupled, all the time, how many people feel they have to have a partner just because society tells them so? How many people are there, trapped in relationships, who would be much happier if society allowed them to be single and proud of it?
iris lilies
6-4-16, 11:19am
That is so exhausting. There's a reason I've never married and I'm in my 50s. I've never met a man who was interested in me who could stand on his own two feet...
I was soimpressed with DH who is the total domestic package. When I met him he prepared dinner for himself every night down to setting the table.
I was single and ate in front of the tv, often from containers.
He could also fix cars, buld anythng in wood, wire a house, grow a vegetable garden, and preserve it it all.
So , I think about him carrying on if I die first, he will be fine, and I find that comforting.
My dad was not as talented all over the house although he could fix cars and do basic carpentry,but he was calm and kind in personality, like DH.
I was soimpressed with DH who is the total domestic package. When I met him he prepared dinner for himself every night down to setting the table.
I was single and ate in front of the tv, often from containers.
He could also fix cars, buld anythng in wood, wire a house, grow a vegetable garden, and preserve it it all.
So , I think about him carrying on if I die first, he will be fine, and I find that comforting.
My dad was not as talented all over the house although he could fix cars and do basic carpentry,but he was calm and kind in personality, like DH.
Calm and kind goes a long way with me. (Also tolerant and funny and honest.) Being handy around the house is a bonus!
ApatheticNoMore
6-4-16, 11:53am
yea I don't know, you can go to far in either direction, yes of course one hopes someone will fix all their problems, but without real expectations of this it has been constantly been pointed out to me they won't: but then one tends to wonder why anyone bothers being in a relationship at all? Afterall if it changes not a whit either way, why bother?
and really how long does it take for another person to discover one's crazy as if it's some big secret. Not exactly, it's all hanging out there for everyone to see if they actually get to know one, heaven knows its scared some people away.
iris lilies
6-4-16, 12:07pm
Calm and kind goes a long way with me. (Also tolerant and funny and honest.) Being handy around the house is a bonus!
But if I had married my mother I would have killed her.:~)
And if I had married someone like my father, I would have killed him or left in the first year. My husband and I have lasted 44 years mostly due to compromise and each of us "giving in" at different times to things the other person really wanted.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.