View Full Version : Integrity Question: Can you be too honest for your own good?
It seems the simpler I live the more black and white things are becoming, You either are or are not, no grays or maybe's. I am also more honest about things and maybe I have a bad tone to the way Im saying it. Many of my family members are getting turned off or just plaining shut down towards me. I treat those the way I would like to be treated and therefore I am honest. Apparently many people dont feel that way or arent used to being told the truth. I feel like a party pooper but Im not gloom and doom, Im just honest-happy honest and sad honest. Perhaps its the way I say it. I dont know. I believe if I say it a certain way differently, it would not feel genuine.Having integrity can be a lonely way to be since you know what you stand for.Any similar experiences?
I just read something about how there is the golden rule and then there was another one that I am not finding right now. Argh. So the golden rule is treating people how you want to be treated, but then there is another way. Treating people the way that they want to be treated. So I don't really care about getting cards in the mail, however they mean a lot to my mother so I make sure I am doing something that matters to her.
From what you are sharing it sounds like other people don't want the same type of interaction. If you want interaction that just meets your needs that is fine, but is there a way to be honest and respect that others have different expectations? Their expectations may be around the content of what you are saying, or it could be around tone or the timing of what you say.
Here are some ways to evaluate what you say, Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, and does the other person want to hear it. If I get 3 out of 4 I am doing great, but I try to consider these factors when I speak.
rosarugosa
6-11-16, 7:15am
ZG: I really like that "Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, and does the other person want to hear it" test.
I know of one or two people who had integrity, but lost their employment due to their honesty. So maybe it's a situation of there being "a time and a place" for everything.
And also, do you want to be right or do you want to preserve the relationships? Have to pick your battles, as they say..
ApatheticNoMore
6-11-16, 9:49am
I know of one or two people who had integrity, but lost their employment due to their honesty. So maybe it's a situation of there being "a time and a place" for everything.
i'm not sure they should have kept their employment, it depends on what the moral issues were (was it morally calling out wrong behavior or just some stupidness like calling the boss an idiot), but maybe it was something that had to be done, and never mind if one loses their employment, it's not the be all and end all.
i'm not sure they should have kept their employment, it depends on what the moral issues were (was it morally calling out wrong behavior or just some stupidness like calling the boss an idiot), but maybe it was something that had to be done, and never mind if one loses their employment, it's not the be all and end all.
Yes, agreed. Was trying to make a point about consequences, but hopefully for most people integrity is the deciding factor.
Platinum rule?
Yes! That is it. I have had to learn this a LOT. I love giving my staff freedom for creativity in our programs and I saw that some were just not feeling comfortable. I would have meetings where I wanted them to help make decisions and I realized they had a panic look in their eyes, so I asked. They were more comfortable with me setting structure and giving limited options. Another way this shows up is giving feedback. In an ideal world everyone would be ready for feedback, right. Well people take feedback much better if they have the choice. So simply asking 'do you want some feedback on __' opens the door. No one wants to give feedback to a person who is defensive or angry after all. However as a supervisor sometimes I need to give feedback and the other person does not have a choice. I can still show respect and give them choice in many ways. I can ask if they want the feedback at the beginning or end of their shift, if they want it in writing ahead of time to process, and other ways. Still need to give feedback, still the same feedback, but it can be done in a way that is easier on everyone.
Basically I would suggest reading their body language. If you are speaking the truth and people are tense, looking away, leaving the situation, then ask yourself if it is a truth that needs to be said. Does it need to be said to this person at this time? And if that is all true then how can you say it as kindly as possible.
ToomuchStuff
6-11-16, 10:41am
One would have to have a careful definition of honesty. One of my siblings and I had this discussion, as we both felt that we were raised with a more extreme sense of right and wrong. In their job, they do have to deal with people who say, EXACTLY what they mean, but do so in a way that politicians get bills passed. (leave people believing their assumptions, rather than wha was actully said).
I know someone like that, and he was recenty in with is graduate granddaughter. She is embaressed by him as they have gone into restaurants and he does things like ask "guess who is 69 today?". But he was 69 the day before, and the day before that, etc. They assume it is his birthday and bring him the free birthday desert. From a legal/technical point, he is honest, from a generally construed moral part, he isn't honest. So there are ways to be honest, and not be self detrimental.
Teacher Terry
6-11-16, 7:20pm
My sister has always been bluntly honest and at times it has been a real turnoff for people including myself. I prefer to ask myself if it is kind, etc before plowing forward. So it is possible that you are offending people.
I consider myself above-average in the honesty department, and occasionally I blurt out something over-the-top blunt, but I wouldn't look at pictures of someone's newborn and exclaim "Wow--it looks exactly like a root vegetable!" Which too many do, unfortunately. (Or a larva.) A little diplomacy greases the skids, and unless it's a moral/ethical thing, I try to err on the side of kindness.
I find as I get older, I don't have time for BS. I call it like it is and I prefer it that way. I refuse to put up with drama and drawn out issues. Now more than ever.
I think there are things that may not be nice, but still need to be said. I look back at those things and wish I could have done better, but honestly there was another person involved so ya know you can only do so much.
Funny thing is that over the years I have done this with my mom several times. Not pretty at all! However over time it has improved our relationship. These things directly affected our relationship and needed to be said.
"An injurious truth has no merit over an injurious lie. Neither should ever be uttered. The man who speaks an injurious truth, lest his soul be not saved if he do otherwise, should reflect that that sort of a soul is not strictly worth saving."
- Mark Twain
I think there is often a thin line between people who consider themselves bluntly honest tellers-like-it-is and malicious, passive-aggressive blowhards.
I'm not religious anymore - but that New Testament verse sums it up nicely - "speaking the truth in love". You need both truth and love together to be effective.
ToomuchStuff
6-14-16, 1:56pm
One of the reasons I view myself sometimes, as Aspergery, is things like I saw yesterday. I was out and doing some work stuff and stopped to eat, and saw a woman come in and sit, while "waiting for her party". She flirted with the waiter to get free stuff while her husband was there, and of course then shrugged off any concept of a tip, etc. This "flirting" (censored), and the games that people play in relationships, I have never understood. To me it is simple dishonesty, and why I have found relationships very hard.
cindycindy
6-22-16, 4:26pm
A friend once advised to ask yourself these three questions if you're unsure whether to say something: Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said by you? Does it need to be said now? She was a drug counselor; I think it comes from al-anon or something similar.
sure you can. I work in a political environment and have to keep many of my opinions (and answers) in a safe category. Some people just cannot handle the truth.
So I realized a connection with a friend, she is looking for a job but can't consider a long list of things because of her integrity (apparently living off family does not hurt her integrity). I am connected with her in a loose group of people doing similar work in our state and heard a story about how she handled something that basically got her fired. Her version is that she had to have integrity but the more I hear I think she may be confusing integrity with not being able to deal with a difficult emotion. One example is that she cannot work for any adoption agencies, she adopted a severely mentally ill child who is now 19. Well my daughter chose adoption, I get photos of my grandson, it was the bext possible experience but we also had to check out what we were doing. So her truth is negative about adoption, and I have many positive experiences between me and my families at work.
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