Divorce 101

[TxZen]

Ok.so what do I need to know...making a checklist..and please keep it lighthearted...this is hard enough of a subject.

Thanks. :)

[Ultralight]

Get a lawyer and fly the straight and narrow until everything is finalized.

I cannot stress this enough.

[bae]

Nolo Press is your friend.

[mschrisgo2]

Yes! Nolo Press! Best advice ever!!

More advice I've shared with many over the years:

Decide how much money you are going to spend on the divorce process itself, and stick to it.
If you decide to hire an attorney, make sure you have a trusted friend or two you can talk with; talking through things with an attorney = billable hours and can add up really fast. Find out how much the filing fee is in your state, and the usual process server fees, add to that what you want to pay the attorney. Then shop that on the phone, until you find someone who will sign a contract for that amount.

For me, one of the most liberating and motivating things about divorcing was being totally in charge of my own money again, i.e. how much will I pay for xyz, and only MY name on the pick slip for my car, savings account with only my name on it, etc.

[Lainey]

Figure out the financials ASAP. Any bearer bonds in the safe deposit box? Pension plans? Joint credit cards that should be closed? Lots of people hide assets from spouses, so although I hope that's not your situation, please do your due diligence to make sure you're aware of everything.

No need to do anything to raise alarm bells or be vindictive, but when some partners get a whiff that things are ending they will clean out savings accounts, run up credit cards, abscond with valuables, and make life a financial living hell for years just because.

[Ultralight]

You definitely want the element of surprise on your side!

[Yossarian]

Despite hanging out here for close to 25 years I too have committed to the cardinal simple living sin of pursuing divorce. It is the nuclear anti-simple option. It is all very amiable, but now I finance two separate households (I have moved to Chicago) and the financial and child rearing aspects are enormously complex.

You need to assess your own balance sheet to determine what is at stake, but I can't give the nolo press an unfettered endorsement. There can be a lot at stake and if there is than you need good legal representation.

Best of luck to you.

[SteveinMN]

(Having been through it myself) I think much will depend on how contentious you think the split will be. If there's going to be a fight over every stick of furniture or if the division of pre-marital property or current savings/earnings is quite lopsided, you definitely want good representation.

First check if your state permits (or even requires) mediation first. Mediators are much cheaper than lawyers and you can work out financial and family issues (division of assets, visitation, etc.) with that person rather than arguing it out in court, which will be quite expensive and time-consuming (courts do not move quickly at all). The more you can hash out by yourselves (or with a mediator) the less you'll spend on legal fees and time.

Lainey makes an excellent point about knowing where the valuable stuff is and maintaining access to it. When I told my ex I was getting out, she withdrew a big chunk of our money to spend on her lawyer. I spent nowhere near that much on mine. Not that it was worth comparing lawyers' fees, but in my view taking that money was like swiping the kitchen appliances or half a car. Just not fair. I moved out of the house, which meant I was on the hook for my own rent and utilities and groceries as well as house bills. I had moved my paycheck deposits to a separate bank but kept writing checks to Wells Fargo for half the house mortgage, to Xcel Energy for half the house utility bills, etc. And I made sure those bills got paid; there was no way my ex was going to tank my credit rating in the process.

It would be good to have an address other than the house where you can receive mail and such that is yours. Maybe that's not such a big deal in 2016, but back in 2000 my lawyer was not sending out electronic invoices.

If you do move out, find someplace affordable that supports your life goals and interests. I moved from a suburban 3400-square-foot townhouse to a 600-square-foot studio apartment on one of the busier streets in town. The place was comfortable and it was "mine". I stored some bigger stuff with friends. And from that apartment I could walk less than a mile (on real sidewalks) to get groceries, go to the pharmacy, do my dry-cleaning, stop at the hardware store, attend church services, buy cards and gifts for friends, eat out, go to concerts... I did not want to cocoon -- work, come home, sleep, rinse and repeat. I wanted to get out in the world after so long. This place let me do that easily. Sometimes I wish I could move back there...

Arm yourself with your friends and/or a therapist when you need them. Be as pleasant and accommodating as you can to the soon-to-be; save the bad stuff (and there will be bad stuff; this is not simple or happy) for others. I was lucky enough to have friends who granted me the time to rant about how my ex was dragging her feet (who am I kidding; she was entirely dead weight and she weighed more than I did) and who buoyed me when I felt really bad. You very likely will lose friends or not-so-close family members you thought were "on your side". Let them go. They need time to accommodate the new normal just as you do.

I'm sure there's lots more to go into, but those are the items I thought I needed to address sooner than later. I'm happy to help with other suggestions once you have a better idea of where you are in the process.

[Ultralight]

Arm yourself with your friends and/or a therapist when you need them. Be as pleasant and accommodating as you can to the soon-to-be; save the bad stuff (and there will be bad stuff; this is not simple or happy) for others. I was lucky enough to have friends who granted me the time to rant about how my ex was dragging her feet (who am I kidding; she was entirely dead weight and she weighed more than I did) and who buoyed me when I felt really bad. You very likely will lose friends or not-so-close family members you thought were "on your side". Let them go. They need time to accommodate the new normal just as you do.

Agree.

[Kestra]

The rules vary in each state/province, so other people's experiences may not be the same.

But regardless of that, I'd get copies of all financial documents - bank statements, credit cards, etc, and other proof of ownership, asap, dated. Just in case changes are made in the meantime. Take pictures of items that have any value, copies of receipts etc. And have copies stored electronically and outside of the house, where only you have access. You want a snapshot of your current financial situation.

I agree with the separate mail suggestion.

I can't remember if you've mentioned whether you have joint accounts. Definitely get some separate ones set up, get your name off of joint debt where possible.
Plus all the usual about a lawyer consult, mediation.

[Aqua Blue]

Do you live in a state that is "no fault"? I did when I divorced and my lawyer said that statistically divorces are more amicable in no fault states. He also said the risk of violence is significantly less in no fault states.