when to bring up old sh**, when to pass

[Zoe Girl]

Argh, I have a friend who is going to call today and we are going to work on this. The situation is that we have a small sangha (buddhist group) here. A couple years ago the 2 main leaders left for personal reasons, they were carrying the major load of leading. A couple of us took over rotating leading, worked through many meetings of coming up with group agreements, and settled into our new format. We have a strong support for each other. We have all been challenged in our roles as peer facilitators, have some people that push our buttons, but I feel awesome about what we are doing. There is a teacher in the area who has visited and lead off and on, his personal group just ended as it usually does for the summer and he is asking when he can come lead. I am the contact person for that, and the person who has an issue with him. The last time he came I was thanking him at the end when he started talking about how we do not have the right qualifications, we shouldn't use the name we are because of that and ended with suggesting we just go get the proper training (probably $5K and in california). It was in front of other sangha members and that sucks too. So I didn't have a conversation with him then, pretty much was mansplained all over the place which embarasses me that I didn't speak up more.

Now he wants to come and teach, I have twice told him we have a set schedule and that we would love him to attend and get to know our group before we schedule him. I was really positive in saying how proud we are of the work we are doing and how we keep it going, and it would be beneficial to be a part of the sangha to lead, as all of us are doing. I am getting messages from him asking to be scheduled yet he still has not visited. My last message was still kind but more that we need him to visit before I schedule him. I am really not responsible for him not getting direct messages, but I would meet him for coffee and I am debating bringing up old stuff. Sometimes you just need to clear the space out of old crap ya know.

[creaker]

Personally, I don't think it takes much energy to reiterate. I have no problem giving one of my customers at work exactly the same, polite message I gave them the last time (in my case it's usually for them to provide information for work they want me to do before I can complete the work or provide dates). And until they respond to what I've sent I don't need to move forward (if they reply in the negative, that's fine, too - we've moved forward and I can respond based on that).

As far as him teaching there, it's your bat and ball and backyard - if he doesn't want to abide by whatever guidelines/rules you set up, he doesn't have to come teach. And you're not responsible for providing him with a sangha. Beyond that it's just rude - when you're invited into someone's space, you don't start pointing out what you feel they've done wrong with it - unless you're asked to. Even then, you just suggest - and not in front of the membership.

[Zoe Girl]

Thanks, I am pretty good at the 'broken record' technique. So we are back to the statement that it is our sangha's standard that our facilitators are pulled from active sangha members. We are inviting him again, and would be happy to see him come.

My fellow facilitator and offered to have coffee with him one day before our meeting. She is in a women's group with me that does a lot of training in Buddhism and leadership, topics like feedback. Basically unless you are their boss you don't give feedback without asking first. I am getting more aware of power and control issues, I have been pretty naive on this topic. Boy does it make my life easier when I am aware of this, When I invited him to coffee I didn't do any of the traditional softening things that women tend to do, like random apologies and asking too many permissions. I just invited him to coffee and was aware of ways that I could be giving away my appropriate power.

One of the times I lead that was the most challenging and actually fun was when the group was all men, and one tended to share his expertise in an overbearing way. 5 minutes before the end he said something totally off. So I leaned forward, put my hand in front of him, said no and continued on to say what the almost universal accepted interpretation was. No qualms, not sh**, and he came back and friended me on FB!

[Teacher Terry]

It sounds like this guy wants to take charge of the group-not cool. I would just keep repeating and if he does not follow thorough then that may be for the best.