letting friendships go

[Zoe Girl]

We have all been there, letting even long term friendships go. It sucks, and it seems like you are the only person who ever went through this at times. Meanwhile I jut want to have a frustrated moment. Yeah I know all the things I should do to make friends, and I am seeing some improvements and more connections. It takes some work but it is coming along. And what I am venting about is something I have done as well. Still maybe by sharing we can all look at how we may do this and how others may feel.

I have been working on the friendship thing for years. What has happened many times is that I get up my introverted courage to go out and do something, yeah me! then I share a few things I am interested in and the response is positive and suggesting where I can go next. Which means another start off from scratch and nervousness. Then I have one friend, a guy I may have an interest in, who can't seem to find time anymore to meet for coffee because he is doing so many other things. I don't think he really thought of inviting to me to any of these events. I had a long friendship that ended for a variety of reasons and I recall so many times I reached out to do things, they went camping almost weekend and I said for the longest time that I wanted to go, I just needed to ask for time off. Then Monday would come around and I would see they went camping again. One of our last conversations had a moment when I expressed this and felt heard. That was very important, the friendship still ended.

I know I need to be willing to walk away when I see this pattern, I also wonder how I can say things more clearly, loudly, without being a jerk or taking it personally. Be less concerned about possible conflict and more about, I am not sure what but something to change this pattern in my life. Maybe get over feeling like a giant loser as well.

[razz]

As an introvert, you may be relying too much on the one-on-one relationship process. That is really hard work.

What has worked for me over the years is joining general interest groups, volunteering a little and finding kindred folks. Even then, it still takes effort to maintain a friendship.

I belong to a horticultural society, an art group and play cards at a community hall one evening a week. Comfortable friends have developed out of that but really close friendships are very difficult to create and maintain. Waiting for friends to invite you will take forever. I have decided to try inviting a couple of single women for a simple meal occasionally and they enjoy it as do I.

A male friend advised me that building groups and friendships is like a long courtship. You do easy things first and see what you have in common. Then some more. Then some more and so on. He is amazing at being able to pull egos and agendas together and I had complimented him on his extraordinary skills at doing this. That was his response.

[Teacher Terry]

If a friendship becomes a one way street then I end it. I often will be the first one to invite people for dinner, etc to break the ice. Things do not have to be 50-50 but it must be mutual or you start to feel used.

[Zoe Girl]

Yeah, I know all that and It is good to hear it again. During the school year I work until 6:30 pretty much every night, I want to join a few groups but I know in a month or so I will not be able to keep up again. So I haven't really done that right now. I had a couple friends who were mid-day coffee shop people but haven't had a response from them in awhile. I literally have had no one call me (I call them) more than twice a month. I don't call other people more than once a week if they don't respond back in some way. Meanwhile I answer 99% of everything I get, phone calls, texts, emails and FB messages. I think we live in a generally flaky society. I have had about 10 people over the last couple months who see our FB page for the meditation group I run and I get back to them right away about dates, time, location and I have not seen even one of them yet. The other facilitators and I are showing up every week, making small donations, preparing discussion topics, and getting like 4 people. Last group potluck I tried had one person come over. Just argh!

My goal is to add the Sunday night meditation group to my schedule and try for one social activity every weekend. The next couple weekends seem to have something on the schedule so that is good. Weekends without one social activity usually trigger a fair amount of depression.

May sound nutty but I am seeing a psychic this week. Not much different than therapy, you pay someone to be your friend for an hour.

[Zoe Girl]

If a friendship becomes a one way street then I end it. I often will be the first one to invite people for dinner, etc to break the ice. Things do not have to be 50-50 but it must be mutual or you start to feel used.

Yep, I agree, I need to make that break faster to change the pattern.

[margene]

I have had friendships dye when I realized I was the only one reaching out. I would keep joining meetups. In my area there are a lot of them. I recently started going to unitarian universal church. I think there is potential for lasting friendships there.

[iris lilies]

I dont know OP, the frequencies you name seem often to me.

Here, someone started up a "Retired women of the neighborhood" meetup once a month at a wine bar. That was too often for me and I told them I was dropping out. They said I should just come when I felt like it, but then the group fell apart because (I think ) once a month is too often! Haha.

I always liked the lily society here because it did NOT meet once a month like most plant societies. Once a month is too often. Now we are dying, so I suppose our lack of regular meetings contribute to that, but I still like it.

DH is a fiend for playing cards. His card friends get together every 2 to 2.5 weeks.

[Simplemind]

Razz +1. Just like grade school and work, proximity is everything. I am a huge introvert and don't have many friendships (by design) but I greatly value the ones that I have. When DH had his stroke 4 years ago it took no time at all for his "very close" work buddies to fade away. He is now friends with a couple of mine but if not for me. He would be here without the phone ringing.
It can be hard to tie people down to a date and time. The old "lets get together" comes out but never materializes. Yet I also hear so very often how lonely people can be. So many people wanting to connect yet not being able to seal the deal. I really have to talk myself into it sometimes. I am always so happy that I did and keep reminding myself of that.

[Teacher Terry]

People run when others have health probs, etc. It really is disgusting. I have made it a point to never do that to a friend. Right now we drive an hour/week to see a friend in a home and I have another disabled friend that I make a point to take out for lunch etc. They were both very popular when they were dog sitting cheap for people and people wanted to do social things with them. Enter illness and bye, bye, Shallow!

[Zoe Girl]

So a big boost was we had a couple new people at our meditation group and the core members as well so that was 8 of us. That is a big night! I am also more comfortable with my summer staff and that makes it easier. It is hard to hire all new people, move to a new location, have all new students for 8 weeks and then be done. I realized this week that it was affecting me more than I thought. I don't share my really personal stuff with my staff but we chat and it is very friendly.

IL I am not sure what you meant about frequency. I have my weekly meeting but other than that I would like one social thing a week. It could be a group, coffee meetup with a friend, really anything. So not the same friend every week but if I have 4-8 friends and meet one a week then I get my social needs met and I am not asking any one person to be a daily phone call or every week coffee date person. It would also be nice to go to a movie a couple times a year.

[Zoe Girl]

People run when others have health probs, etc. It really is disgusting. I have made it a point to never do that to a friend. Right now we drive an hour/week to see a friend in a home and I have another disabled friend that I make a point to take out for lunch etc. They were both very popular when they were dog sitting cheap for people and people wanted to do social things with them. Enter illness and bye, bye, Shallow!


OMG! that was a huge factor in how I let this one friendship that ended a few month ago get so intense and take over about all my friendship energy. She has had multiple surgeries and I was one of her helpers. Then after 2 years or so I really needed a friend for a few things and she didn't have any energy. Unfortunately I had put all my limited energy into one friendship, and I really really couldn't feel like I dumped her. I tried to back off when she said she needed more time and space, but she had a serious mental health crisis a few months before that and I got scared, kept checking in on her until she pulled the plug in an angry way. The last time she asked for everyone to give her space I did, texted every couple days to once a week something encouraging with no expectation of response, available in case she needed something, didn't worry about her, and found out she went to a hospital as suicidal. It is not easy to figure out how to do this is what I ended up learning.

[jp1]

Personally as an introvert with an extrovertish job I don't have a lot of energy left over for a lot of friendship type activities. By the end of the week I'm ready to spend the weekend sitting on the deck reading a book, by myself. Especially if the week has included work travel, which always includes a lot of meetings and/or presentations in front of groups of people. I even dread work related dinners when I'm traveling for work. If it's not a situation where I see a clear work benefit I'll make an excuse and not go and instead get dinner by myself unless it's a one on one dinner with one of the few work related friends that I truly enjoy spending time with.

SO is more extroverted than I am and he has been the one to find most of our San Francisco friends. He has brunch and goes to the farmers market with a pair of them more Saturdays than not. I never go along. I just tell him what I want from the farmers market and he brings it home. If we get invited to dinner at these friends' house, I enjoy going. If we decide to host these friends or others for dinner I'm also cool with that as long as it's not too often, maybe once every couple of months. Once in a while I'll even agree to a get together, coffee or drinks or a movie once or twice a year or whatever, but if it was more than just random occasions I'd be like Iris Lily. Too much. When I try to picture my retired life I imagine finding a few volunteer activities that I would do a few times a month to get out of the house and have IRL interaction with people other than SO, but mostly I look forward to having more time by myself to read books and do other projects.

Not sure this helps your situation Zoe, but I guess what I'm trying to say is "maybe it's not you, it's them" and maybe provides some perspective on why people are averse to getting together.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I'm going to go with once a week is a good thing or at the VERY LEAST once every other week. I don't think the "see you once a month" things will build any closeness or frankly last (although hey a few might) and that it is much better to have friends and groups you see every week. Now of course this is balanced against all the other demands of life so .... one can only do what they can, I'm not saying one has to be social every day - which certainly is likely to burn out an introvert (I may very well be saying fewer groups and people seen more often).

[iris lilies]

So a big boost was we had a couple new people at our meditation group and the core members as well so that was 8 of us. That is a big night! I am also more comfortable with my summer staff and that makes it easier. It is hard to hire all new people, move to a new location, have all new students for 8 weeks and then be done. I realized this week that it was affecting me more than I thought. I don't share my really personal stuff with my staff but we chat and it is very friendly.

IL I am not sure what you meant about frequency. I have my weekly meeting but other than that I would like one social thing a week. It could be a group, coffee meetup with a friend, really anything. So not the same friend every week but if I have 4-8 friends and meet one a week then I get my social needs met and I am not asking any one person to be a daily phone call or every week coffee date person. It would also be nice to go to a movie a couple times a year.

I got a sense that you wanted contact once a week. That would be too often for me, for the most part.

There are weeks where I see my friend/neighbor 2-3 times that week, but we are watchng tv shows and are not interacting all that time.

recently I told her "I cant watch this film , there is too much talking." Haha, it was just too much human dialog for me on that day. Do not assume that I wanted "action" film because I did not. The film was Iris about Iris Murdoch, a literary figure. Lots of talk talk talk. I would have been ok with a human drama that had slower dialog pacing, and with pauses, and with scenery.

The Gilmore Girls drive me insane.

[snowwolf]

Thanks for starting this discussion, Zoe Girl. It was comforting to read others' posts. I am definitely an introvert. While as a professional I can speak to large audiences and socialize (to a limited extent) at conferences and be friendly/somewhat talkative while I am out and about - I definitely prefer to do things by myself and highly value my time alone. I do have a DH and three younger children that of course I could and do spend most of my time with. I don't mind spending time with my in-laws and I love spending time with my mother, father, and siblings. But that is the extent of my personal social life. I do not have any friends. Yes, I have some acquaintances on facebook, but we would never meet up to spend time together with our families. I do have one friend that I used to be close with, but we have drifted apart and it doesn't bother me that we talk maybe twice per year (more out of obligation, being sentimental about the friends we "used to be"). If I had an opportunity to have friends, I probably wouldn't follow through because I am busy enough with my children, my DH, and my family and in-laws. I can't wait until I get time to read a book, take a hike by myself, travel by myself, etc. Sometimes I worry that something is wrong with me because I don't have any non-family friends. Then I ask myself if I am happy and content this way and the answer is YES! It would be too stressful for me to feel forced to follow-through to make friends and be a friend.

[Teacher Terry]

It is really not healthy to have too small a "world." One day your kids will grow up and without friends etc you could find yourself pretty lonely.

[Ultralight]

I don't think we can have real friends and/or real community without truly needing each other.

But we construct our lives and our technology so that we do not need each other.

[Teacher Terry]

I have seen people that focus totally on their family for their friendships and as kids leave, spouses die or divorce, parents die, etc they find themselves to be pretty lonely. Technology has enabled us to remain pretty isolated.

[Ultralight]

I have seen people that focus totally on their family for their friendships and as kids leave, spouses die or divorce, parents die, etc they find themselves to be pretty lonely. Technology has enabled us to remain pretty isolated.

Their kids kind of abandon them.

[ApatheticNoMore]

It does seem a risky strategy to make one's only social life family and spouse. But I do understand how it's often not an entirely chosen strategy. If one is say working full time, trying to maintain a marriage and raising YOUNG kids, it won't be a time in their life they have much time or energy left for social life regardless - at best maybe find some other parents where they can socialize while the kids play.

[Teacher Terry]

UL: no their kids don't abandon them. They get older and have their own busy lives. Then they grow up,they may move away for college, work etc.

[Ultralight]

UL: no their kids don't abandon them. They get older and have their own busy lives. Then they grow up,they may move away for college, work etc.

Their kids prioritize their owns lives over their parents.

[Teacher Terry]

That is how it should be. You raise your kids to be independent. That does not mean you don't help them if needed with tasks, etc. But kids should not be expected to be their parents social buddies either.

[iris lilies]

I have seen people that focus totally on their family for their friendships and as kids leave, spouses die or divorce, parents die, etc they find themselves to be pretty lonely. Technology has enabled us to remain pretty isolated.
And yet, technology enables us to meet up with people who share our specific interests. While that doesn't always mean they become "friends" it does widen our social circle. And if we see them often, engaging in the activity that we share a liking for, they become close acquaintances.

[creaker]

Their kids prioritize their owns lives over their parents.

It would be awful if they didn't - I'd be horrified to think of one of my kids giving up their own life for my benefit. You want your kids to fly from nest (at least I do), not be forced to push them away from you.

[messengerhot]

If a friendship becomes a one way street then I end it. I often will be the first one to invite people for dinner, etc to break the ice. Things do not have to be 50-50 but it must be mutual or you start to feel used.

Definitely agree. I reach out and make efforts, but if i feel that it's not mutual; then i stop reaching out. I also only have a few friends, but i could say that they are really great friends. Friends who stuck with me for 20 or more years.