View Full Version : suggestions for a care package
DS left for luthier school. We are semi-estranged, our relationship is very strained. I want to send a care package but feel like I barely know him well enough anymore to send one. In the year after high school he became a vegetarian, lost 50 lbs, took up exercise (I know he uses resistance bands and does not belong to a gym so I don't know much about his exercise). He loves the guitar and many instruments, he loves prog rock. I don't think he's a reader anymore. When I asked months ahead what he would like in a care package, he claimed he didn't need one. I want to send one anyway.
He still eats treats once in a while so I will make chocolate chip cookies. I'd like to throw in some nutrition bars as his classes are 10 hrs a day 5 days a week but have no idea what kind to buy. Do any of the vegetarians have some suggestions on foods to send, esp types of bars? Any ideas very much welcomed. I gave him an amazon gift card because his apt is unfurnished, he only drove out with a car load of stuff so there are things he could use. He took the card like it didn't matter to him. I should probably send him nothing but I just can't do that, he's my son.
girls are so much easier
Why are you semi-estranged?
Wait... I think he should send you a care package.
If you do a Google search, you might find which grocery stores are near him that carry a good line of wholesome vegan/vegetarian foods, i.e. Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, etc. Maybe a gift card for one of those places? And of course, a really nice card telling him how much you love him and are wishing him well--but I'm sure you've probably thought of that already! :)
iris lilies
9-2-16, 3:54pm
It is as you say, girls are easier. I'm not so sure boys see care packages stuffed with lots of little items as a good thing. Lots of small things=fussy girlie things. But home baked cookies, if you know he will eat them, are great! It is hard to send food to somene who eats in a healthy way bcause the most healthful stuff is highly perishable.
Consider gift certificates to Subway. There are Subway sandwich places in even very small towns. And surely he could find something healthful to eat there. i know that Subway isnt perfect, but it is a decent alternative for fast foods.
Also, gasoline cards would be good.
Extra pillow case? Extra towel? Hand soap, new toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving supplies. Aspirin, Neoaporne, anti-itch creme.
Will he be cooking? Howz about one of those snazzy new Instapots?
I second the toiletries - razors, shaving cream, toothpaste, floss, any stuff you know he uses. Laundry detergent (maybe a roll of quarters if he needs them for the machine?). Gift card to TJ's, Whole Food, or Dominos pizza.
A vegetarian cookbook, vegetarian energy bars.
He might not be grateful now - or be able to say he is - but I think it's fine to send something. Stay practical, though.
I sent a box of toiletries to my ex's daughter at college last year, and she was really appreciative.
Why are you semi-estranged?
my ex, who I left because of domestic violence and affairs, worked very hard since they were toddlers to turn them against me. By the time DS was 15 he bought what he was selling and moved in with his dad. The ex could never understand that in a healthy divorce, neither parent tries to "win" the children. He won, the rest of us all lost.
freshstart.......the Luthier school........is it to make guitars? I have only heard that in terms of making/repairing violins.
I like gift cards, and for that age bracket, Subway, Papa Johns Pizza, Panera, gas cards, and Target. There are usually some groceries at Target. Practical and thoughtful, and then see if he acknowledges it.
Giftcards are good, but think of all that plastic going into the earth.....probably millions a day. I would give him money....maybe several envelopes of money, with names of places he could spend them written on the envelop. I know it might sound stupid......but just think of all those billions of plastic cards and where they go........
Or.....a VISA gift card, and he could spend it in several places, and only use 1 card.
freshstart
9-3-16, 12:33am
I was hoping to avoid gift cards or money because I wanted him to have a big box of stuff to open, but the way kids are today, money talks
yes, his luthier school is to make guitars and he'll make one other stringed instrument.
ToomuchStuff
9-3-16, 1:57am
Where is the school?
As a guy, if I said I didn't want a care package, it would mean I DON'T WANT A CARE PACKAGE, ARE YOU (CENSORED) DEAF.
However, since your going to go against his wishes, and probably add more strain to your relationship, you might look up the school and see what information you can get from it, about the class. I would think you might want to include some sort of gift certificate for whatever tools and/or woods he is required to get. (figure they do things like Hammer dulcimers, mandolin's, guitars, etc)
"girls are so much easier"? Really? This is part of the reason guys and gals have issues. Saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. Then, MOST importantly, LISTENING.
Kids, young adults really, don't want stuff. Unless the stuff is something you know they specifically enjoy or have requested in the past. Otherwise it is just a generic gift basket. Most of those things I throw away. However, if you cook well, the homemade healthy type cookies or similar (if it travels well) along with a card and gift card could cover both bases. If he does not want to eat the treats, he can pass them around. A more generic gift card, like Amazon, would allow him to choose what he needs.
I think guys just like food the first year at college. If he's vegetarian/healthy eater (although the two aren't necessarily the same thing) maybe nuts--those are healthy and portable. I don't eat nutrition bars so I can't help you with those. Or maybe little snack cans of V8. Or dried fruit (which has sugar in it, I know, but..).
Side note.. you've made me recall that when I went to college the thing to do was to bring baby food. It's healthy, usually not too many preservatives, the fruit ones are tasty, and they're single-serve. Kids don't do that anymore and they would probably think it's very weird, but that was back in my day....
If he eats cheese they have those little Laughing Cow cheeses.
Naked drinks (the brand) are usually very popular.
But I really think he'll like those homemade chocolate chip cookies the best!! I would.
Where is the school?
As a guy, if I said I didn't want a care package, it would mean I DON'T WANT A CARE PACKAGE, ARE YOU (CENSORED) DEAF.
However, since your going to go against his wishes, and probably add more strain to your relationship, you might look up the school and see what information you can get from it, about the class. I would think you might want to include some sort of gift certificate for whatever tools and/or woods he is required to get. (figure they do things like Hammer dulcimers, mandolin's, guitars, etc)
"girls are so much easier"? Really? This is part of the reason guys and gals have issues. Saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. Then, MOST importantly, LISTENING.
Based on prior posts I don't think he deserves a care package either. Why give a gift to someone who has treated you so poorly?
Based on prior posts I don't think he deserves a care package either. Why give a gift to someone who has treated you so poorly?
Maybe freshstart is thinking like Mother Teresa: Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In my mother's mind, I'm thinking that freshstart might be saying "here's this small token of my love. I'll be here when you're mature enough to accept it."
In my mother's mind, I'm thinking that freshstart might be saying "here's this small token of my love. I'll be here when you're mature enough to accept it."
I think that is a great thing to keep in mind. About a year ago I thanked my dad for something he did for me when I was 29 (I'm 60). I had not realized what a kindness he had done for me because I was deep in grief at the time, but it finally registered what he had done for me, and I had never thanked him properly.
So it may take a while sometimes, for a child to realize what a parent has done, and how much that parent has loved us.
In my mother's mind, I'm thinking that freshstart might be saying "here's this small token of my love. I'll be here when you're mature enough to accept it."
That is a good way to think about it, I know my mom sent things that I didn't necessarily want but I understood she was trying to show something. I hated sugar cookies but I shared them with the dorm and made friends!
I was veggie in college and starved! I think it is much better now thank goodness. I like the idea of nuts or energy bars. Energy bars are vegetarian, and most are vegan, except in a rare situation. I have never seen one with a meat product in them.
Maybe freshstart is thinking like Mother Teresa: Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In my mother's mind, I'm thinking that freshstart might be saying "here's this small token of my love. I'll be here when you're mature enough to accept it.".
How true, Catherine. It's during those times when our children seem to reject us that we have to continue to show our love for them. I can't imagine doing anything else.
freshstart
9-3-16, 11:42am
In my mother's mind, I'm thinking that freshstart might be saying "here's this small token of my love. I'll be here when you're mature enough to accept it."
this is my exact thought. Maybe I'll just send cookies he can share with the two older roommates he was assigned and a gift card to a grocery store. There are no dorms or cafeterias. Maybe I am being an idiot along with what toomuchstuff said. It's a crapshoot that requires more thought. I think he would at least use the gift card even as he is saying what a b***** I was to send it.
See, does that person even deserve a care package? Argh, I can't figure out the right thing to do
Freshstart, there is a book that I think you would really, really get a lot out of--Joshua Coleman, When Parents Hurt.
It is very good and helped me through a rough patch with my kids, and helped me sort out what actions I wanted to take--what was up to me, what was beyond my control.
Ooh, just looked it up and he has a blog and forum for parents. I will have to check it out! Here is the link:
http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/forum/when-parents-hurt/
I would just send the cookies, with a brief note.
I would just send the cookies, with a brief note.
I'd also send cookies and a note wishing him well with his work/studies.
And I don't think you're being an idiot at all. This is a tough situation.
greenclaire
9-3-16, 12:58pm
I think in this situation I'd rather send something rather than nothing. What I mean by that is the options are:
- Send something. He either appreciates it or he doesn't. Maybe he'll appreciate it now or in a few years time but there's always that hope.
- Do nothing. You'll always be wondering if sending something would help the relationship. He'll never even know you were even thinking about him or sending something - no chance of any appreciation / relationship building.
You may never get a thank you from him or anything in terms of a relationship in return. But if you don't try then you'll never know if that was an option.
Freshstart, there is a book that I think you would really, really get a lot out of--Joshua Coleman, When Parents Hurt.
It is very good and helped me through a rough patch with my kids, and helped me sort out what actions I wanted to take--what was up to me, what was beyond my control.
Ooh, just looked it up and he has a blog and forum for parents. I will have to check it out! Here is the link:
http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/forum/when-parents-hurt/
ordering it from the library now, thanks very much
Miss Cellane
9-3-16, 9:12pm
Send the cookies.
Another idea would be if there's a school bookstore/supply store--you could get a gift card from there, to help him get books and supplies he needs.
I talked to my sister (Mom of youngest son away at college). She said: send the cookies. Students ALWAYS need food! If you want to add more, something he always uses. IE: her son loves under armour anything. He loves basketball shorts. He always can use another pair of good wicking socks (college football player).
Add a personal note that works for you. Part of this is your personal need to be a Mom-it's OK to do what is in your heart for you, even if he doesn't want you to. Hopefully down the road, he'll remember your kindness in a time when he was less than kind and appreciative.
afterthoughts....guitar players ALWAYS need more picks.
LUNA and Odwalla bars are popular with the veggie crowd.
How far away is he? This may sound off-the-wall for an estranged relationship: if you can travel it, tell him you would like to come cook up a bunch of meals for his freezer and would he consider a 3d visit so you can do that for him?
freshstart
9-4-16, 11:01am
I'm in NY, he's in Phoenix. And the program is 6 mos intensive so there are no breaks for holidays, just the holiday itself off, so he won't be home. I had planned to fly out once during the 6 mos, stay in a hotel and see a few of the sights together. Now with my medical bills that option won't work and he said he doesn't want me to come.
I'm thinking cookies and a gift card to Musician's Friend, that I know he will use. I'm going to wait a few weeks and see if he will talk or respond to texts, if he does, I'll send more stuff. If he ignores me, cookies and the gift card, brief note
I wonder if you would enjoy reading this:
http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries-books/boundaries/
It was one of the top five books that changed my life. I know it sounds like an infomercial from me, but it's true. :-)
One big thing I learned was that family members - including spouses - are not exempt from the need for healthy boundaries. In fact those are the primary relationships where we need to have them.
freshstart
9-4-16, 12:30pm
I'll add it to my list from the library, boundaries are definitely an issue for me
iris lilies
9-4-16, 12:50pm
I wonder if you would enjoy reading this:
http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries-books/boundaries/
It was one of the top five books that changed my life. I know it sounds like an infomercial from me, but it's true. :-)
One big thing I learned was that family members - including spouses - are not exempt from the need for healthy boundaries. In fact those are the primary relationships where we need to have them.
I see that my public library has two copies of this, first published in 1992. Both copies (a later edition) are checked out. Damn, it is times like this that I miss working because I would just order two more copies, knowing that the first two would be worn out or one will disappear (will not be returned) within the next year.
I was always on the lookout for popular classics in psychological self help, ones that checked out steadily due to word-of-mouth recommendations and I got several tirles frm our SL community here. the Gift of Fear is one I remember specifically.
I looked up the book the Gift of Fear, the rest of the title is "Survival Signals That Protect Us From Violence". oh, the irony, had I only read that back then
The book I suggested is based on Christianity as a foundation. Just an FYI in case that makes a difference either way to anyone. I actually find Christianity to be an enemy of proper boundaries (slaves obey your masters etc etc) but the authors have a great understanding of the topic - so I tolerate the Christian/biblical inconsistencies. 😄
that's ok, I can overlook that part
Freshstart, why don't you simply send some cookies for now to share with room-mates with simple card that respects his request? A couple of months later, send the gift card to the Musician store which is when he will be needing some extra supplies? A while later, another thought will come to mind but you are trying to do too much right now. Respect his wishes is what he is asking so respect the boundary he has set but cookies will make you feel better and will help with the roomies.
freshstart
9-5-16, 11:19am
I'm hesitating on the cookies because I can see him flying off the handle that I don't respect his strict diet and exercise regimen. He's done that before when offered a meal or snack.
He has not responded to one single text (and I don't text a lot so as not to upset him) asking how he is since he left. I'm starting to get mad and resentful. He has no respect for me. Why am I putting so much energy into trying to do something nice for someone who is treating me poorly? I'm re-thinking the whole thing.
I'm hesitating on the cookies because I can see him flying off the handle that I don't respect his strict diet and exercise regimen. He's done that before when offered a meal or snack.
He has not responded to one single text (and I don't text a lot so as not to upset him) asking how he is since he left. I'm starting to get mad and resentful. He has no respect for me. Why am I putting so much energy into trying to do something nice for someone who is treating me poorly? I'm re-thinking the whole thing.
If he has reacted that way before when offered a snack, then yeah, I would not send the cookies, either.
I guess if he was not responding to my texts, I might hold off a bit and leave some space between us for a while; that would just be my reaction.
I think pausing and re-thinking is always sounds, when one doesn't quite know what to do about something.
iris lilies
9-5-16, 12:01pm
I'm hesitating on the cookies because I can see him flying off the handle that I don't respect his strict diet and exercise...
a-ha. Good for you for hesitating! Since that has been a contentious action In the past, it may be best to give up the idea of cookies.
He has not responded to one single text (and I don't text a lot so as not to upset him) asking how he is since he left. I'm starting to get mad and resentful. He has no respect for me. Why am I putting so much energy into trying to do something nice for someone who is treating me poorly? I'm re-thinking the whole thing.
Listen to yourself, again. You say that you are getting "mad and resentful" because he is doing what he said he would do--ignore you. Maybe he didnt say this so many words, I dont know, but he set a boundary about you giving him stuff. And he may have set a boundary about you contacting him, I dont know. You can feel mad, resentful, hurt and anything else you want to feel, but for heaven's sake, please honor his boundarieswith your actions.
Do you know how many people here talk about parents ignoring the boundaries they set? Talk about the gifting of objects they dont want? It is a commen refrain around here. Maybe the receivers of the gifts do not think it is "nice" and have a valid point of view.
At this point I would, if I were you, sincerely make an effort to respect the boundaries he has drawn. If you are compelled to contact him, Perhaps send only one message every few months and make that one way communication such as "we all hope you are doing well." Dont ask questions because every question could be considered an intrusion.
As an aside, I think your children are doing VERY well in some areas. i know they have rocky relationships with you, but I am so impressed to see your son go off across the country to learn something that interests him greatly, and he lost 50 lbs, and he went to anger management counseling voluntarily. Your daughter's focus on school and community work is impressive. These kids both are achieving in areas that are important.
Yes--if he has strong food preferences that don't include cookies--fifty pounds is impressive!--for Pete's sake, don't send him cookies.
Iris Lily is right on point.
iris lilies
9-5-16, 12:38pm
I think guys just like food the first year at college. If he's vegetarian/healthy eater (although the two aren't necessarily the same thing) maybe nuts--those are healthy and portable. I don't eat nutrition bars so I can't help you with those. Or maybe little snack cans of V8. Or dried fruit (which has sugar in it, I know, but..).
Side note.. you've made me recall that when I went to college the thing to do was to bring baby food. It's healthy, usually not too many preservatives, the fruit ones are tasty, and they're single-serve. Kids don't do that anymore and they would probably think it's very weird, but that was back in my day....
If he eats cheese they have those little Laughing Cow cheeses.
Naked drinks (the brand) are usually very popular.
But I really think he'll like those homemade chocolate chip cookies the best!! I would.
oh! Now I remember that baby food trend. I thought it was strange and frankly, very stupid. It was a Cool Girls trend in my midwestern town. (Sorry!) I dont think we ever had baby food in our house so I didnt develop a taste for it. Later I remember testing it, and it is bland. My brother is 9 years younger than I am and I would remember any baby food around. Yet we wouldnt have had a blender 53 years ago, so I guess my mother cut and smashed foods for little bro.
Yes--if he has strong food preferences that don't include cookies--fifty pounds is impressive!--for Pete's sake, don't send him cookies.
Iris Lily is right on point.
I had to laugh at this "strong food preferences that don't include cookies"--I know I should not feel like this, but I think cookies are a food group unto themselves, and one I respect deeply.
Yes--if he has strong food preferences that don't include cookies--fifty pounds is impressive!--for Pete's sake, don't send him cookies.
Iris Lily is right on point.
I agree -- didn't realize about the weight loss and somehow missed the part about dietary strictness.
This is tough, but the thing is, when you give someone a gift, it needs to be about them enjoying it not about you enjoying giving it. Sounds like cookies is not something he would enjoy receiving.
If I wanted to wish someone well and they were learning to be a luthier, I'd send them well wishes on a museum postcard with some kind of instrument on it. But that's just me. And I don't mean to send us all off down the track of thinking about more things -- just looking for a way for you to acknowledge respect for his wishes and support for this choice, while still wanting to be in touch.
a
As an aside, I think your children are doing VERY well in some areas. i know they have rocky relationships with you, but I am so impressed to see your son go off across the country to learn something that interests him greatly, and he lost 50 lbs, and he went to anger management counseling voluntarily. Your daughter's focus on school and community work is impressive. These kids both are achieving in areas that are important.
Yes! I think that you deserve credit for that, it is a big deal to not feed the fires of a very negative ex-spouse. I really had to bite my tongue, take a lot of long walks, see a counselor. However I see now that not badmouthing their dad was really important. They can talk to me real issues with dad because even though he is a pretty damaged individual he is not everything bad, and they know I am not out to just bash him so I can be honest about his issues and supportive.
I know that it took until I was much older to see my moms offerings in the way she intends them rather than through my own lens. It is pretty normal. I will still gripe a little, she just sent capri pants and petite tops in pastel colors. She means well, and I say thank you now and then donate to goodwill. But I love the cookies.
IrisLilies you are right on all of it. And they aren't bad people, they are just seeing me through their dad's lens and he has worked hard to make sure that he paints a very negative picture. They are good out in the world. All I can do is make sure they know I am here whenever I am needed or wanted and respect that's all they want right now. In hindsight, the care package would've made me feel better only and it took this whole thread to make me realize that. Thank you all for helping me see the light.
I feel like I am UA's dad, lol. If I sent that package, there would be a post about me somewhere out there. UA's dad is going to be my gauge, if I feel like what I am about to do or say would piss off UA if his dad did it, then I am not going to do it.
Freshstart you made me laugh. But, it is a good plan because his dad has boundary issues...or giving issues and UA wants none of it and has said he wants none of it, so respecting what your child tells you is a good plan.
Freshstart, you are a loving and giving nature. At some point you will need to realize that your kids don't need you. We parents all go through that stage and it is healthy and normal. You and your kids unfortunately have some really yucky additional issues but none of it is totally abnormal. Let them go and be themselves. I am not being judgemental about what you think but thinking supportively.
For your giving nature to feel an outlet, can you find some neighbours that need cookies made for them. I don't know what your current health limits are but if you can use the phone, the senior support system in my community has a daily call list set up. People living on their own are checked with that phone call to see how they are doing. I did it for a while as part of a credit course and found that I became quite attached to them. They wait until you call before they go about their business of the day. Some came in to see who the voice belonged to and were surprised as i was different than they imagined somehow. They never said what was unexpected.
You need to give so find an outlet for yourself that you can currently do. There is such demand for varying degrees of support in our world so that any little bit will help. You have a great value as you right now.
Teacher Terry
9-6-16, 12:25pm
Sending you big hugs:)) I know FS that this is all very hard. I hope that eventually your kids come around.
thank you, Teacher Terry!
razz, I think you are right. Sometimes I have to step back and remember, even without all the bull****, it's my teens developmental stage to start not needing me and to rebel against me. A lot of these changes would be happening even if they weren't feeling the feelings they have towards me. That makes me feel better. I don't like the way it's happening, but it would've happened no matter what.
I do need an outlet because losing hospice broke my heart. I'm used to being needed all the time and I enjoyed giving support. I will look into the phone calling of seniors as that is something I could totally do and enjoy. I got one of my dogs from a friend's elderly mom who could no longer take care of him. She asked if she could call me "once in a blue moon" to check on him. In the end, I was calling her almost every day because she was lonely and I grew to know this incredibly smart woman who had had the most amazing careers for a woman at that time. What I envisioned as "one more thing to do", actually became a very pleasant part of my day. So senior calling is perfect. Thank you for that suggestion.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.