View Full Version : singleness
I just read a couple good articles on being single, and what is really hard about it. I totally felt that they explained the parts that are hard! One was about being a black Christian single woman but there was still a connection to what she was saying.
http://file:///home/chronos/u-164fe917a015e2843f3a3aeb81d87a9fb01cb7a2/Downloads/Being%20Single%20Is%20Hard%20%E2%80%93%20Medium.mh tml
So what I have seen, kinda like what Barbara Ehrenreich and her work in the book Bright Sided, is that there is an emphasis on having positive attitudes, making vision boards, a lot of stuff in dating advice that isn't necessarily going to get you things you want. There is so much out there aimed at women working on themselves so they are 'ready' for the right person. I hesitate to even talk about it because I tend to get lots of advice about how to date, and I really don't like dating much. Meanwhile I think I am a good person, fun, I have my own stuff handled, I can take care of myself, and I still feel the weight is really on me to reach out to people all the time instead of someone reaching out to me. My family seems to get it somewhat, my son is worried about moving out (not extremely) because he sees that I spend so much time alone. My mom and sister are throwing a big 50th birthday party for me which is amazing. I will have a couple friends who may come but not enough that would be a party without my family here. I have hosted some meditation group potlucks and had one person come. Even my women's group that I have been in a few years is getting it quietly. They all (except the nuns) have partners and I don't, and haven't for a long time. One of the women went on retreat, came to some realizations, came home and filed for divorce, and immediately has a new person in her life. I have always held out hope that through my connections in the Buddhist/meditation community I would meet more people, and I do, the guys tend to be flakey in a way. Just not that into me or a possible relationship. Explaining to someone outside of this lifestyle how much I meditate or other things is hard. I am on a dating site, MeetMindful, and I haven't had responses from the people I sent messages to.
What I get really sick of, more than dating advice from people who are in relationships, is that people who are in relationships tell me they have the same problems because their spouse works a lot or everyone gets lonely. Yeah, go to a wedding alone a few times and see how that really is. I would love to just have a wedding buddy, a good friend where we had a deal to go to weddings together. Or a movie buddy, someone who would see whatever movie either one of us wanted to. I had a guy I thought was starting to be a good friend and then when I asked him to plan some group hikes with me he just said he was going to do different things than our group. I was working up to asking if he would be a wedding buddy,
I think I am just not going to cover up the hard parts as much, like several people have asked if I saw the new Star Trek and I haven't so I was honest and just said I didn't want to go alone. I saw Star Wars alone, and in costume! but I don't want to do that all the time. I still don't have that one person to talk to on a regular basis, I am cautious to be too needy on friends, and I spend more time alone then I really want to. I also realize it is the driving factor in struggling with smoking. I can not smoke for the longest time with no bad effects when I am spending time with people, then after a few days of no people contact I am back to fighting through it all.
Ultralight
9-7-16, 11:06am
Tough talk:
Most str8 guys don't like going to weddings (even their own!).
Supportive talk:
Dating is so hard. Like I have mentioned before. I went on about 75 first dates in 18 months. That was buying a lot of meals!
So I get it.
But here are a couple of things to consider:
How about dating other women in your age bracket? I am not being sarcastic.
Tell me a little more about your standards. Where are they high? Where are they low?
Have you considered applying some mindfulness techniques to singlehood? Want me to explain more?
ApatheticNoMore
9-7-16, 12:02pm
Link doesn't work.
Yea singleness is hard. Lonliness is general is hard, lack of physical touch is hard etc..
Coupleness is hard in some ways. It takes a lot of one's time to date someone, when one has very minimal time to begin with this can feel like craziness, like most stuff is not getting done and everything is always falling apart (which one may ALREADY feel being single if they work a lot etc., but which just gets increased). This is easlier if living together obviously, if not it's hard. More so when given an introverted personality with real need for downtime. Almost forget about having friendships as well, even though OF COURSE a more complete social life is the desirable thing, but the severe lack of time ... One makes compromises that may not be the best for oneself (for instance spending more money than they would otherwise if for instance partner likes expensive activities, eating less healthy etc.). OTOH some bad habits may improve. It limits job options as one always has to consider whether a job is near each other before even applying (is this job going destroy my relationship? What if it's a great career move? Do I really want to do a good career move that would destroy my relationship? Hard choice. Sure the romantic in one chooses love and sometimes the rationalist does too, but hard choice).
There is so much out there aimed at women working on themselves so they are 'ready' for the right person.
I think this is UTTER NONSENSE!!! Noone is perfect, there is no perfectly evolved person and single people are not less evolved (might sometimes have a few quirks that make singleness more natural for them, but even that is not less evolved) than coupled people. Of course there's nothing wrong with personal growth and if it one's path to making life meaningful it's a good one in my subjective view, to work out all the damage one has endured and become more. But it's NOT so they are "ready" for the right person. This is nonsense.
My SO drags me along to weddings occasionally. So far, they've all been tolerable--he jumps at any chance to mingle. Me, not so much. :~)
If I were unattached, I'd probably use dating sites, judiciously. You might want to expand your parameters beyond mindful guys. I've found some of the "mindless" pretty good company. And they might have mindful friends.
I think one of the dangers of long-time singleness is giving off the dreaded desperation vibe. Most people can sense it, and either take advantage of it or avoid it like a bad infection.
iris lilies
9-7-16, 12:15pm
I dont attend weddings with DH, he gets to go alone. He choses to go, UL, and he is a straight man, haha. He has several marrying nieces and nephews and they are all out of state. After attending back to back out-of -state weddings that did not serve alcohol or even have a provision for alcohol on a Saturday night, I stopped attending his family weddings.
It is bad enough to have to spend money to fly and travel out of state and find caretakers for our dogs, but really, no wine at the celebration? Philistines.
From this you would think
I dont like his family and thats not true at all, I like them. I even could see my own family throwing the same kind of wedding, and I think we did actually do that kind of thing 25 years ago. But receptions were simple affairs and no one was held captive for four hours on a Saturday night, you ate cake, had punch, and left after an hour.
Iris Lilies I do remember quiet weddings and quick receptions. So much nicer than these huge things today. I prefer the wedding service to the reception....personally think it is more important. But, I'm old.
I've been single for about 2 1/2 yrs, 6 mos before I got sick we ended things. The relationship had grown to feel like nothing but work and putting up with each others' flaws. He was a good man and I had invested 7 yrs but he had hoarder tendencies, parented completely different and towards the end, became a member of the radical right to the point I could not take one more email bashing gay people, etc. I decided being alone was preferable to those three things and we were getting close to when the kids were grown and we had decided when they were, we would talk marriage and picking whose city we wanted to live in. I was not moving in the direction of marriage at all.
being single now is fine, I don't feel well enough to pull myself together enough to online date again. That was fun the first go round but for now I am content as a single person. I have too many plates spinning to add in another person.
I don't date. I never have. I met my wife when I was 14, and that was that. I have no skills related to dating.
However, I get offers to date all the time. Generally while I am engaged in one of the various activities I enjoy. I suspect it's because I'm not giving off the "I need a date" vibe, and I'm simply enjoying the activity I'm engaged in, without ulterior motives.
So I guess my boring advice would be to be yourself, and throw yourself into the things you find meaningful.
I wonder if this is one of those grass is greener things, where the single people see the benefits of being married, and the married people see the benefits of being single. I know marriage is great when it is working and torture when it is not. Probably being single is not much different-- I guess trying to look at the positives in either situation might be helpful. So many married people are in difficult spaces--maybe not forever, but at any given time. So I don't think there's any essential betterness about being married. But obviously, if you have been in a marriage that is working, that is a really nice place to be. I would hope if I were single again I would be able to construct a way of seeing the positive parts of the situation, and yes, I would miss the companionship, but there might be more peace and more autonomy, which are great things, too.
One idea about the movie thing--when I was working with other people, I organized a movie night for us--it was really fun, about 5 of us went, and other than never living down the stinker of a movie I selected, we had a great time. Some of us were married and some were single, as I recall, but it was a really fun social event.
But it's not either married or single; there are lots of variations to choose from.
Gardenarian
9-7-16, 2:50pm
I feel for you, ZG.
I know quite a few single 45+ women. There is this thing, I've noticed that they are way more positive, open, cheerful, and friendly...and I've wondered if that is because they feel they have to present themselves that way. Not that you can't be single and happy, but you should be allowed to be down or cynical or reserved if that's how you're feeling.
Women's magazines are a crock. They claim to celebrate women but I think they are one of the greatest tools of oppression. They are all about how to get (and please) a man (Cosmo, Self, Glamour, etc.) or how to have a perfect home and family (Women's Day, Better Homes, and so on.)
"Bright Sided" was correct in that we are told to "take charge of our happiness" and "make our own luck" in situations that might be better addressed by changing our society. Single people, especially women, don't really seem to have a place on the commons.
ITA about traditional women's magazines. there is a great magazine that addresses women's issues really well, it's called Bitch, don't let the title put you off, the writing is excellent.
But it's not either married or single; there are lots of variations to choose from.
Ayup.
https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51rg57YwZEL.jpg
My favorite movies are the ones I see alone. When I'm alone, it's easier to know exactly what I want - cause I naturally think of everybody else's preferences first if they're near me. It's a woman thing. A mom thing. A nurse thing. A cultural thing.
But since my late 40s I've loved my alone time.
I'm lucky to have a husband that understands. About a third of our vacations are without each other.
iris lilies
9-7-16, 3:55pm
My favorite movies are the ones I see alone. When I'm alone, it's easier to know exactly what I want - cause I naturally think of everybody else's preferences first if they're near me. It's a woman thing. A mom thing. A nurse thing. A cultural thing.
But since my late 40s I've loved my alone time.
I'm lucky to have a husband that understands. About a third of our vacations are without each other.
yes, but it is our luxury, you have to admit, to be able to choose.
I usually go to films alone. DH likes his Star Whatever space films and I do not. He has a group he goes with to those kinds of movies. There are 5 of them total--4 men and 1 woman, and they mix it up who goes to which films. I watch for movies that DH and I both would like, and we saw Hell Or High Water last week as one in that category. But I would never drag him to Absolutely Fabulous or a Jane Austen adaptation.
This year DH went to Florida for a family wedding (he says that doesnt count as a vacation, but I say that Florida in March counts as a vacation!) and he is going to Switzerland next month. Last year I went to eastern Kentucky. Haha, not,quite the same. We both went to Chicago this year that counted as a vacation.
My favorite movies are the ones I see alone. When I'm alone, it's easier to know exactly what I want - cause I naturally think of everybody else's preferences first if they're near me. It's a woman thing. A mom thing. A nurse thing. A cultural thing.
But since my late 40s I've loved my alone time.
I'm lucky to have a husband that understands. About a third of our vacations are without each other.
DH is up in VT helping our son touch up the paint on his house. It's the first time in a LONG time that HE'S the one traveling and I'm alone (well, not alone, I have my dog). I have to say, I'm liking it. Tammy, I think you hit the nail on the head. When he's here (and he's always here), my antennae are up to sense what HE wants. What does HE want for lunch? For dinner? (He cooks, but there's always the big decision of WHAT TO EAT). If I'm working all day, I feel bad that he's been by himself all day.
Since he's been gone my days have not been that different than they normally would have been, but my mind has been in my own head for once. It will be nice to have him home, of course, but I sometimes feel we're too joined at the hip.
BTW, I do think that if you have a relationship and you are both invited to a wedding, it's kind of nice for both of you to attend. Last year I attended my cousin's daughter's wedding alone, and it was fine because I was at the "family table" but I think it's good to be open to negotiation when it comes to big events like that.
ZG: I think the online dating thing is not a bad idea. I've tried to talk my son into it, but he doesn't think it's a romantic way to meet someone. He wants a story like his parents'.
the last time I went to the movies alone was to see the Ralph Nader doc and he spoke afterwards. Ex-BF would rather have shot himself in the head than have to go to that. I had a great time. Now that I can drive again maybe I'll go to the movies alone. So far I have had a hard time concentrating that long but paying for a ticket would make me want to succeed.
in hospice we all ran around all day to patients' homes, there was no central office space for eating lunch together. We had to plan ahead if we wanted to meet somewhere to eat. I ate alone most days with a good book, it was nice to have peace and quiet in the middle of a chaotic day. It doesn't bother me to eat in a restaurant alone but it bothers some of my friends.
I wonder if this is one of those grass is greener things, where the single people see the benefits of being married, and the married people see the benefits of being single. I know marriage is great when it is working and torture when it is not. Probably being single is not much different-- I guess trying to look at the positives in either situation might be helpful. So many married people are in difficult spaces--maybe not forever, but at any given time. So I don't think there's any essential betterness about being married. But obviously, if you have been in a marriage that is working, that is a really nice place to be. I would hope if I were single again I would be able to construct a way of seeing the positive parts of the situation, and yes, I would miss the companionship, but there might be more peace and more autonomy, which are great things, too.
One idea about the movie thing--when I was working with other people, I organized a movie night for us--it was really fun, about 5 of us went, and other than never living down the stinker of a movie I selected, we had a great time. Some of us were married and some were single, as I recall, but it was a really fun social event.
Having lived both ways, I think you're quite right on the grass-is-greener thing. You tend to see the benefits more than the drawbacks of the alternatives. My view is that married life is a long negotiation that can be very profitable if both sides are prepared to bargain in good faith. You may not win every point, but you do well in the long run.
If you're the sort of person who can't stand to give up the remote, you should probably stay single.
Catherine - one of the benefits of being in my 50s and the kids are on their own is that I'm free to be as connected or disconnected in my marriage as I want. I love my SO and we have been together since 1981. And he's understanding and in fact likes his freedom to spend a day at the casino or out with friends in the wilderness or whatever - and we also like doing things together. But wow is it nice to become our own individuals again. Raising kids sort of forces people to do things together because it's so much logistics and work to raise a family. I'm loving this season of life.
iris lilies
9-7-16, 7:08pm
DH is up in VT helping our son touch up the paint on his house. It's the first time in a LONG time that HE'S the one traveling and I'm alone (well, not alone, I have my dog). I have to say, I'm liking it. Tammy, I think you hit the nail on the head. When he's here (and he's always here), my antennae are up to sense what HE wants. What does HE want for lunch? For dinner? (He cooks, but there's always the big decision of WHAT TO EAT). If I'm working all day, I feel bad that he's been by himself all day.
Since he's been gone my days have not been that different than they normally would have been, but my mind has been in my own head for once. It will be nice to have him home, of course, but I sometimes feel we're too joined at the hip.
BTW, I do think that if you have a relationship and you are both invited to a wedding, it's kind of nice for both of you to attend. Last year I attended my cousin's daughter's wedding alone, and it was fine because I was at the "family table" but I think it's good to be open to negotiation when it comes to big events like that.
ZG: I think the online dating thing is not a bad idea. I've tried to talk my son into it, but he doesn't think it's a romantic way to meet someone. He wants a story like his parents'.
oh I know, it is not nice of me to stay away from family weddings and it isnt necessarily because of alcohol., really! These weddings are, every one of them, out of state and there was 9 of them over a 10 year period. That is a bit much, especially when I was working.
Catherine - one of the benefits of being in my 50s and the kids are on their own is that I'm free to be as connected or disconnected in my marriage as I want. I love my SO and we have been together since 1981. And he's understanding and in fact likes his freedom to spend a day at the casino or out with friends in the wilderness or whatever - and we also like doing things together. But wow is it nice to become our own individuals again. Raising kids sort of forces people to do things together because it's so much logistics and work to raise a family. I'm loving this season of life.
this sounds lovely
If you're the sort of person who can't stand to give up the remote, you should probably stay single.
When we bought the second tivo it came with an identical remote to the first unit. So now we each have a remote... But seriously, you're spot on. SO knows that I have no interest in watching Harry Potter for the 20th time, or a Nebraska football game or Cardinals baseball game for the first time. Because he likes tv much more than I do his "space" in the house is our living room and mine is our second bedroom which functions as my den. When I decide I want to go spend time with him watching tv he automatically turns it to something he knows I'll enjoy. Typically househunters or some other HGTV show.
I would like to say that I do appreciate many aspects of singleness. I don't have to negotiate as many things with another person, I get to go to bed early or stay up late whenever I feel like. I can spend money the way I want when I have enough. I had a pretty crappy marriage so I really didn't want to jump into anything, however it has been over 10 years. A little longer than I expected.
So I went to one wedding a few years ago that had me thinking about this. I didn't know anyone except the bride and I really wanted to be there for her. The other people at the table talked to me for a brief time, then started talking about couple things with each other and partners. It was truly the first time I felt really incredibly affected by my singleness. I should have just sent a gift, I just really wanted to be there. Before that I had just pushed through and did anything I really wanted to do, regardless of being nervous or what other people thought.
I think it is about choice, in a good relationship you can move in and out of how much time you are together, you can give on some things and ask for other ways of support. But there is still a level of choice and working it out. You can't just work it out alone, and like another person said you do NOT want to be that negative middle aged woman. Being cheerful isn't a magic cure but being negative is the not going to work at all. Women's magazines just perpetuate the idea that we are supposed to be something, and sandwiched between all the advice to change our weight, make our home cuter, cook more variety, get our spouses and kids to do certain things, - then there is an article on how to take care of ourselves. Yeah the other 90% of the magazine is about doing things we are supposed to do. I have not read them in years, but they are in the grocery store racks.
Re weddings: being a couple is no guarantee that other people at your table will talk to you, singly or together. If they know each other, there'll be a brief meet-and-greet with you, and then they'll talk to each other. Having a partner with you also doesn't guarantee anything. You could end up sitting alone next to your partner for several hours, exchanging a few words occasionally. It's being a stranger that isolates you, not necessarily being single.
I go with my husband to his family's social occasions, out of politeness. I'm on cordial terms with most, but I'm still usually in my own little bubble, as his relatives naturally talk to him, and often speak fast-paced Croatian. My own Croatian is still at beginner level, and they speak a dialect, to boot! They're not being rude or deliberately excluding me - this is their mother tongue. Even when speaking English, they have old family jokes and new gossip about family members and friends I've never met, so I'm not a participant anyway.
I chat a little with most people, and the rest of the time I enjoy the meal, and my own thoughts, which include thankfulness that I won't have to wash the dishes.
iris lilies
9-8-16, 12:14am
Maybe I attend boring weddings, but I think of these wedding receptions as being not much different from banquets I attend at conferences--they are all held in some kind of hotel or hall venue, there are round tables of ten, the food isnt great, and we all have something in common that we can chat about ( the bride or groom, lilies, daffodils, conservative politics, library technology, etc) and I must put myself forward to find common ground for the chit chat. Usually there is some kind of personal connection we can make at these events.
I will admit that in very recent times I depend on DH more than I ever have when he is available to attend, and I dont know what is up with that. Actually, sitting here,thinking about these banquets, I am bored because they are tedious affairs. But realistically, talking to DH is just as umexctng. :) I do like the social stimulation of new people to talk with.
Thinking about this, I have two contributions -
1. if I have someone to love and who loves me as I am, I am not feeling single. I feel cherished and supported. I have that with some friends so I am content.
2. I find that usually I can talk to anyone anywhere and find out their interests which we explore. When DH was alive, he didn't like movies or opera or classical concerts or ballet so I went by myself and got over feeling lonely.
For those who want the intimacy of a physical relationship which is important to many, there is more of a challenge. One 50 year-old friend has done the dating scene using the online dating services, met some good people but got burned out emotionally and she is very level-headed. So many men that she met were struggling in their own self-esteem issues for whatever reasons, she found. She was not their mother or rescuer that they expected her to be. A date cannot correct a whole life of doubts and disappointments despite their expectations.
For those who want the intimacy of a physical relationship which is important to many, there is more of a challenge. One 50 year-old friend has done the dating scene using the online dating services, met some good people but got burned out emotionally and she is very level-headed. So many men that she met were struggling in their own self-esteem issues for whatever reasons, she found. She was not their mother or rescuer that they expected her to be. A date cannot correct a whole life of doubts and disappointments despite their expectations.
Yes, I have had dates with men not over their relationships or who had a disconnected relationships and are too eager to get into bed. I went on a few dates with a guy until I was suggesting some ways to do things he liked and it appeared he just didn't like people. He said his coworkers were beneath him (as a note I have a masters and he has an associates and I do not consider people beneath me). I wasn't willing to be his entire social life.
Last night was the meet and greet at school so I saw all my kids and families and that helps a lot! I am even looking forward to being at school for before care at 6:15 am.
freshstart
9-8-16, 12:50pm
Before Woody Allen and Mia flamed out so famously, I liked hearing about their marriage. They kept separate apts across the street from each other, they could see each other out the window. He went to her apt, she went to his but each had a separate space. IDK if I'll ever marry again, but even if I just live with someone, I will need a room that is my own, I think, a den or something. For example, it drove me nuts that the tv was on pretty much 24/7 at ex-BF's house. Had we stayed together, I would've definitely needed a quiet space.
I know this doesn't address all the issues of being single but I have attended weddings as a guest of a single girlfriend of mine. Sometimes people bring their kids as their guests. Personally I wish for a society where people don't feel the need to be coupled up. And women's magazines I find very depressing and superficial.
I couldn't agree more about women's magazines; I'd rather read Field and Stream or Muscle Car, or anything else--excepting Ms. and Bitch, but I don't read those either. Do they make a men's magazine that so objectifies and infantilizes its readers? I doubt it.
The best weddings I've been to were held outdoors, in lovely surroundings. That's clearly the ticket, barring weather or Neighbors Who Mow Too Much. >:(
I'd undoubtedly be a kindred spirit to that guy who didn't like people; I'm a low-key misanthrope myself. My SO more than balances me out.
ApatheticNoMore
9-8-16, 2:04pm
The best solution to fighting over the remote or the t.v. on 24/7 is to date someone who doesn't own a t.v.. Although it's hard to make that a red flag. So one might have to compromise and date someone with a t.v. and agree not to share a space :) Life without t.v. is the life I like without a doubt. Blessed silence, it truly is wonderful.
I don't read most women's magazines, ever, they just make me feel bad (ack must go on cabbage soup diet to lose 10 pounds!!!). I do like Better Homes and Gardens (if I'm in a waiting room say, it's what I'll read if they don't have Sunset, after I've gone through those maybe I'll read Newsweek and the like). I like pictures of homes and gardens and recipes. I don't feel it as an order. My place tends toward messy, I'm not going to remodel it as it's a 1 bedroom apartment, I don't have much gardening space, I might get a decorating idea or two, then again I have limited time to decorate and most of decoration I have is from thrift shops (although my aesthetic now tends toward form following function and having the useful objects themselves be the decoration). But it's fun to read.
as a teen I stopped reading Cosmo when they suggested eating dog treats as a low cal snack and it was not tongue in cheek. I like Oprah magazine, she has good book reviews. Otherwise, I like gender neutral magazines
as a teen I stopped reading Cosmo when they suggested eating dog treats as a low cal snack and it was not tongue in cheek. I like Oprah magazine, she has good book reviews. Otherwise, I like gender neutral magazines
Did they also mention how good the dog tests would be for your teeth???
I use to share our doberman's. He was careful not to bite me--I wouldn't let go--and I didn't mind his slobbering on them. :~)
looks like you are Cosmo's target audience then, lol
ToomuchStuff
9-8-16, 8:08pm
NSFW, language:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jaqBRsTQgI
This is the one I can find, the other I have never been able to, but I believe it was the same comedian. In that one he mentioned married and want to kill your spouse, single and want to kill yourself. It also went on to the bit that made it memorable, which was how a white person gets green with envy, red with anger, etc. so white people are really colored people.
iris lilies
9-8-16, 8:24pm
looks like you are Cosmo's target audience then, lol
Yes, Jane is the quintessential Cosmo girl.yep. :~)
Its a very stupid rag.
Hey--Cosmo wasn't even a thing when I was sharing Milkbones!
What is funny about women's magazines is that I see more men's magazines focusing on these things now. My oldest daughter posts a lot on FB about how it isn't nice to hold men to these standards. I told her that feminism in my practice and understanding is about not having these crazy expectations for women, and of course not passing on the bad stuff to men either.
greenclaire
9-10-16, 3:39am
My situation is a little different in that I'm in a very happy long term (four year) relationship but we're on different continents at the moment so a lot of the time I have to do things on my own (physically if not emotionally). So we go to events alone, eat alone, shop alone but still have each other to talk to every day. It has definitely made me love myself more in a lot of ways as I've had to learn to like to do things on my own! Even though the current situation is far from ideal (hopefully will change soon) it has some hidden benefits as we appreciate each other a lot when we are physically in the same place.
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