Surprise inheritance and crumbling family

[Drgnfly423]

My grandfather died 2 years ago this December and a huge surprise to all of us...he divided his modest estate 50%, 25%, 25% to my mother, sister, and me. My sister immediately began to fight with my mom over everything related to the estate. As a result she quit speaking to her last year and is barely speaking to me. Now the estate is finally almost settled, house sold, etc. My sister has decided to fight my parents purchase of the empty lot next to my grandfather's house and also another large item. She's threatened to file a petition with the court if we don't pay her attorney fees. (she hired outside counsel to ask questions that she could have asked the estate lawyer herself). I'm not too worried about the money part, I'm just at the end of my rope emotionally. I'm ready to be done with the whole mess.
Has anyone else had an experience like this? I'm just looking for support and commiseration. Thanks!

[iris lilies]

OP, sorry to hear this.
inheritance money makes some people crazy.

[razz]

Oh, yuck when families fall apart over inheritances. Hoping that it is all over soon for you and yours.

[nswef]

I'm am sorry for the struggle. I don't know what happens to people.

[flowerseverywhere]

This is very sad yet very common. We are in our sixties and have seen many friends go through this.

You our cannot change your sister, or explain her behavior. Why does she want to fight your moms purchase of an empty lot? It makes no sense.

It it is hard not to let turmoil upset your life. Focus on the good things and people in your life. It may cost money, but the attorneys will sort it out. They know the laws and it is out of your hands.

[catherine]

Tragic when money breaks up families--especially GIFTS of money. What a sad unintended consequence of a generous bequest. But it's true--it happens all the time.

Maybe once the estate is settled for good and some time has past she'll come around and the relationships between her and your mother and you can be mended.

[Drgnfly423]

Thanks everyone. She is fighting the purchases just for spite. She told me before that anything she does is just on principle. She can't let my mom "get away" with what she's doing. Which was directly inheriting my grandfathers cash and investments. Those aren't included in the estate and my sister and her boyfriend are convinced they are being cheated. Out of a GIFT (You're totally right, catherine).

My sister has been in and out of my life since we were kids and I think I'm at the point that it hurts too much to let her back in because I know there will be another upset and she'll just shut us out. She has a lot of hurt from our childhood that she hasn't been able to work though and it's made her a bitter adult. I wish we had a closer relationship, but I can't make her want to have that.

[Float On]

So sorry. Absolutely no advice. I think it's ok that you step away from her.

[mschrisgo2]

Death and the prospect of, or realty of, money/inheritance makes people weird, IMO.

For instance, not 15 minutes after getting back to the house following my father's funeral, my sister asked [my mother] for her share of his money.

First of all, there wasn't any (less than $200), as he had been busy literally giving everything he had away for the better part of a year, mostly to his second family, which wasn't any of us.

Second, whatever there was, went to his wife/our mother, since this is a community property state.

Weird, I tell you, just WEIRD.

[bae]

My will is quite specific about what happens if there is any conflict...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5QGkOGZubQ

[sweetana3]

My Dad has the standard clause that if there is a dispute filed, the person gets nothing. All in all, I was thankful that we all got along and were generous to the brother who did all the estate work. If he wanted the tools, tractor, etc., take them. If he would harvest, he got the harvest money. He told us he wanted to do the work "the way Dad would have wanted it done."

[jp1]

So sorry you're going through this. Thank goodness my sister and I weren't like that at all when dad passed away.

But, yes, inheritance money makes some people nuts. My mom had 7 siblings. The youngest spent his young adulthood (the last 12 years of their mother's life) living in her basement with his wife and two kids, taking care of my widowed, blind, diabetic grandmother. Driving her to doctor's appointments in the nearest small city 80 miles away, cooking all her meals, etc. After she passed away 4 of the siblings gave their share of her house (not worth much, it was a nice enough but basically pretty average house in a small town in kansas) to my uncle. To thank him for all that he'd done for their mother over those years. Three of the siblings insisted that he take out a loan and buy the remaining 3/8 of the house. Which he did. And 40+ years later he still lives there. Mom never told my sister and me this story until 20 years later, but when she asked us to guess which 3 had insisted on being bought out we easily knew. The family still all got along for the most part but the rift was a permanent divide down the middle of the family. The 4 generous ones plus my youngest uncle were all super close. The other 3, peripheral and only included in occasional whole family get togethers. I'd always wondered why, as a kid, we saw my aunts and uncles and cousins that lived hundreds of miles away far more often than my uncle and his wife who lived a couple miles away in the same city as us.

[Drgnfly423]

bae and sweetana3 - I recently read about the dispute clause and told my parents so they can put it in their wills for the future. It seems to be a very good idea. I love the Willy Wonka reference. I literally laughed out loud.
jp1 - that's so interesting about your family, too. What is it about money, any amount, that can make people go crazier than normal. When I say small estate, I mean small. It's the same situation. Small town, just the house and a truck and the household goods. My grandparents lived very simply.

One strange thing is that my mother's sister cut my mother and my grandparents off in the 90's and was disinherited by my grandparents, now my sister had done the same thing to me and my parents and will most likely be disinherited from my parents estate. She saw the pain my grandparents went through, I have no idea why she can't relate the situation to her own.

[iris lilies]

We are working on a will and trust, ( not going well, our attorney never gets back to us, and weve been on this for 7 months now, anyway...) and our attorney recommends that we tell the people in our lives what we are doing and why, probably to head off selfishly based concerns of others.

i have a lot of trouble with that. One main reason being that today I will leaves assets to a couple of friends, but in 20 years I am not sure that DH will make the same decision with the assets he has left. I expect to die first. Besides, if we are doing it right there wont BE any assets to leave.

I watched our friends tell their niece that she is in their will. This was after they had a fued with her, but all patched it up. Then, they had another feud and have not spoken for a year. I think it is dumb to tell her she is in the will when their relationship is so volitile.

[catherine]

We are working on a will and trust, ( not going well, our attorney never gets back to is and weve been on this for 7 months now, anyway...) and our attorney recommends that we tell the people in our lives what we are doing and why, probably to head off selfihsly based concerns of others.

i have a lot of trouble with that. One main reason being that today I will leaves assets to a couple of friends, but in 20 years I am not sure that DH will make the same decision with the assets he has left. I expect to die first. Besides, if we are doing it right there wont BE any assets to leave.

I watched our friends tell their niece that she is in their will. This was after they had a fued with her, but all patched it up. Then, they had another feud and have not spoken for a year. I think it is dumb to tell her she is in the will when their relationship is so volitile.

I can see your concern. You're still young.. (curious to know why you think you'll predecease your DH, but that's none of my business).

OTOH, from a legal POV, I'm sure your attorney would feel much more comfortable knowing that it was all "out there" in case of contention. Makes his (and your executor's) job easier. You could even get your beneficiaries to sign off on it if you were going to go to extremes.

I think your instincts are well-founded. If there is any question about your decisions, I would hold off. If you're relatively certain that your relationships aren't going to blow up, maybe it wouldn't do any harm to let them know, unless you want to give them a nice surprise parting gift.

[iris lilies]

I can see your concern. You're still young.. (curious to know why you think you'll predecease your DH, but that's none of my business).

OTOH, from a legal POV, I'm sure your attorney would feel much more comfortable knowing that it was all "out there" in case of contention. Makes his (and your executor's) job easier. You could even get your beneficiaries to sign off on it if you were going to go to extremes.

I think your instincts are well-founded. If there is any question about your decisions, I would hold off. If you're relatively certain that your relationships aren't going to blow up, maybe it wouldn't do any harm to let them know, unless you want to give them a nice surprise parting gift.

Unless cancer or accident gets him, it is highly llikely DH will,outlast me. His numbers are good, mine are not. He has no vices and he gets in lots of daily exercise. He eats veggies and fruits from his garden daily. Perhaps he is a bit high on sugar intake, but otherwise he is textbook good diet, good health, good exercise.

Re: telling people about our will. i will gladly tell our siblings of our plan, which is to divide half of our assets amoung sibs and to divide the other half amoung charitable organizations and two friends. All of our siblings are very reasonable. They would also understsnd my main idea which is to die broke--I dont necessarily want assets to give away. But I can see one friend counting on money and living a life accordingly, not good.

[Ultralight]

My sis and BIL are in the process of making their will.

They are long overdue. I think I made my first will at age 30 -- and I barely even have anything!

If I see the Grim Reaper coming I intend to keel over with nothing at all.

But anyway, my sis and BIL are leaving everything to their daughter (who should be born this month). But they have designated me guide parent/emergency guardian option #2. So if they both pass, along with Option #1, then I get control over the pay-out of their insurances and other savings accounts and such (so they told me). Obviously I have to spend all this on their kid, which I have no problem doing.

Since they are only having one kid, there will be no arguments about who gets what if they pass on when they are elderly.

And obviously I have no intention to argue over whatever my parents leave to us -- which from what I understand is that everything goes to my sis anyway.

[LDAHL]

We're trying to work out what to do with our only daughter (age 10). When I add up the various assets and insurance in force, I find I'm worth quite a bit dead. If my wife is still living, it's pretty simple (we keep my "death book" up to date so she'll have all the info she needs). If not, I can arrange my pension such that the monthly payout (enough to live and go to school) continues until she's about thirty. I'm thinking most if not all the remaining assets should stay in trust until she's about thirty. At that point, if she's not equipped to handle semi-serious money, she probably never will be. My wife thinks phasing it out over a longer period is a better idea.