View Full Version : Fear of Having a Son
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/14/well/family/the-fear-of-having-a-son.html
I'll admit that I was half way through this piece before realizing it wasn't satire.
Some of the reader comments struck me as even more bizarre.
Am I some kind of insensitive brute, or are there really people this hypersensitive and fearful?
That's just.....well, I don't have words really.
catherine
10-17-16, 1:12pm
I've raised 3 sons. None of those fears ever crossed my mind. I did family day care for an 18-month old boy whose parents were exactly like the author, however, and sadly, he was the most anxious little boy I've ever seen.
Ultralight
10-17-16, 1:13pm
I fear having a son, or a daughter. I fear having a kid at all. I ain't got the time or the bread for that!
Teacher Terry
10-17-16, 1:19pm
I raised 3 boys and that article is stupid. Most people I know would prefer to have a boy and a girl but you get what you get.
Having a little son and a daughter, I can tell there is quite some truth in this article. The "typical", wilder masculine behaviour is more and more regarded as a problem in the society. We had some "interesting" discussions with the all-female kindergarten staff about that. Our 5 year-old son is a powerful whirlwind, sometimes wild and competitive, but also protective and caring. Not always easy to handle, as I have to admit. But nevertheless are we extremely proud of him and love him, he's just right the way he his. Interesting is, that most kids really like and admire him, only some of the women in kindergarten seem to have a problem with his strength.
So why the hell should we have to fulfill any current mainstream point of view? Just to fit in? Just to avoid problems that might occur in school? These are our children, and it is our job to love them, protect them and teach them how to live a meaningful life on their on. To hell with the mainstream and what the neighbours think. If somebody cares more about that and fears to get a boy than about her/his kids, I can only pity them and their kids.
catherine
10-17-16, 1:36pm
Having a little son and a daughter, I can tell there is quite some truth in this article. The "typical", wilder masculine behaviour is more and more regarded as a problem in the society. We had some "interesting" discussions with the all-female kindergarten staff about that. Our 5 year-old son is a powerful whirlwind, sometimes wild and competitive, but also protective and caring. Not always easy to handle, as I have to admit. But nevertheless are we extremely proud of him and love him, he's just right the way he his. Interesting is, that most kids really like and admire him, only some of the women in kindergarten seem to have a problem with his strength.
So why the hell should we have to fulfill any current mainstream point of view? Just to fit in? Just to avoid problems that might occur in school? These are our children, and it is our job to love them, protect them and teach them how to live a meaningful life on their on. To hell with the mainstream and what the neighbours think. If somebody cares more about that and fears to get a boy than about her/his kids, I can only pity them and their kids.
Totally agree, JayPee! You said it so well. My son didn't fit the mold and despite some tough times he managed very well in the end. When he finally graduated as the valedictorian of his college class at age 29, at his graduation party, he credited his parents with the fact that we accepted him for who he was and we encouraged his unique strengths--we never held up any expectation that he should fit the mold--the fact that he breaks the mold makes us all the more proud of him.
Ultralight
10-17-16, 1:51pm
I think male privilege is really on its last leg. Slow, then all at once, it will be gone...
This is going to happen soon.
And I think it will result in -- not gender equality -- but discrimination and oppression of men.
This is some time off, but not that far.
Demographic shifts are interesting!
I think male privilege is really on its last leg. Slow, then all at once, it will be gone...
This is going to happen soon.
And I think it will result in -- not gender equality -- but discrimination and oppression of men.
This is some time off, but not that far.
Demographic shifts are interesting!
I hope that's not true. This may just be a phenomenon of a limited circle of Times-reading English professors with unresolved childhood issues. I doubt there's enough Adderall in the world to bring this off this level of misandry in society as a whole.
Ultralight
10-17-16, 2:17pm
I hope that's not true. This may just be a phenomenon of a limited circle of Times-reading English professors with unresolved childhood issues. I doubt there's enough Adderall in the world to bring this off this level of misandry in society as a whole.
Adderall? Please elaborate?
Hmmm.....this is all quite strange to me. I raised a boy and a girl. They each had their challenges and assets. I think many children turn out the way their parents' raise them. I would venture to guess that boy bullies are raised to be so, and girls are raised to be who they become. This is all very strange to me........thinking before you even have a child, which gender will be such and such. It's all (or most of it) is in the parent's hands. Yes, there's a powerful influence out there in school, but still........so much of the "end" result is due to the parents way of teaching and raising the child. Raising children to be good people is a TON of work. Maybe parents these days just don't want to do it in a way that gets the best results?
Adderall? Please elaborate?
One of the more popular pharmaceutical tools for assisting parents and teachers in keeping unruly juvenile behavior within parameters they are comfortable with. Viewed by some as an antidote for "toxic masculinity".
Ultralight
10-17-16, 2:54pm
One of the more popular pharmaceutical tools for assisting parents and teachers in keeping unruly juvenile behavior within parameters they are comfortable with. Viewed by some as an antidote for "toxic masculinity".
I know what it is. I was more asking why you brought it up.
But I agree with you (I think). Adderall is a scourge.
In one of my social work classes we were discussing a "vignette" -- which is a scenario with a person or family that we might have to deal with if we become social workers.
One was of a boy and his mom. She was a single mom. Dad was not in the picture. The boy was 5 and "presented as though he had ADHD."
The prof suggested that it was likely the kid did have ADHD and should probably be given adderall.
I kept challenging her on this but she was not having it. I asked how other countries deal with "ADHD kids." I asked her if maybe the kid was not defective but perhaps his parents and his family and home life were the problem. I asked why the kid had to get demonized and put on drugs while in pre-school.
Anyway, she did not like that.
But in a subsequent discussion she was talking about "easy" babies and "difficult" babies. Apparently some babies sleep fine, don't cry much, etc. They are the easy ones. The difficult babies cry, whine, wake up a lot, etc. She noted that boys are more likely to be difficult.
So I said, quite sarcastically: "Why don't doctors and big pharma come up with a diagnosis called 'pre-ADHD' and then make a pill that will turn difficult babies into easy babies?"
She was like: "Very interesting idea!"
Hmmm.....this is all quite strange to me. I raised a boy and a girl. They each had their challenges and assets. I think many children turn out the way their parents' raise them. I would venture to guess that boy bullies are raised to be so, and girls are raised to be who they become. This is all very strange to me........thinking before you even have a child, which gender will be such and such. It's all (or most of it) is in the parent's hands. Yes, there's a powerful influence out there in school, but still........so much of the "end" result is due to the parents way of teaching and raising the child. Raising children to be good people is a TON of work. Maybe parents these days just don't want to do it in a way that gets the best results?
That's very true. My parents were both working people who had no time to engage in fine-grained gender politics. They kept it simple for us:
Self-esteem comes from accomplishment. Accomplishment comes from trying.
Don't pick on people weaker than you. It makes you cowardly and stupid.
It's OK to hit bullies back. Even if it gets you beat up, that hurts less than whining and cowering.
The kind of person you become is essentially up to you.
Ultralight
10-17-16, 2:58pm
Raising children to be good people is a TON of work. Maybe parents these days just don't want to do it in a way that gets the best results?
I am not a parent (yet). And I hope I never have to be.
But I see all the time that people are constantly outsourcing parenting and discipline. Make the teachers do it. Make the social workers do it. Make grandma and grandpa do it. Make the cops do it. Pay a nanny or a maid or a sports coach to do it.
I am shocked by how little time my coworkers and colleagues spend with their kids.
I am shocked how some of the people I know who do have kids have been utter failures as parents.
Ultralight
10-17-16, 2:59pm
That's very true. My parents were both working people who had no time to engage in fine-grained gender politics. They kept it simple for us:
Self-esteem comes from accomplishment. Accomplishment comes from trying.
Don't pick on people weaker than you. It makes you cowardly and stupid.
It's OK to hit bullies back. Even if it gets you beat up, that hurts less than whining and cowering.
The kind of person you become is essentially up to you.
What were your parents' politics? May I ask?
I know what it is. I was more asking why you brought it up.
My understanding was it gets prescribed much more frequently for boys.
Ultralight
10-17-16, 3:01pm
My understanding was it gets prescribed much more frequently for boys.
By huge margins.
What were your parents' politics? May I ask?
Basic Chicago cynical.
Ultralight
10-17-16, 3:06pm
Basic Chicago cynical.
Do you have siblings? Are any of them liberal?
Do you have siblings? Are any of them liberal?
Two brothers and a sister. I'd call them all conservative by temperament.
Not at my sophisticated level, of course.
Ultralight
10-17-16, 3:15pm
Two brothers and a sister. I'd call them all conservative by temperament.
Not at my sophisticated level, of course.
Ha!
Well, that is interesting nonetheless.
I have one sister. She is a conservative Democrat, you might deem her a moderate Democrat.
Obviously I am the lefty (and then some!) in the family.
Ha!
Well, that is interesting nonetheless.
I have one sister. She is a conservative Democrat, you might deem her a moderate Democrat.
Obviously I am the lefty (and then some!) in the family.
I have a cousin who's pretty liberal; but she's a professor, so I'm pretty sure it's just for professional reasons. Personally, I think the link between upbringing and politics is probably pretty weak.
Nor do I have much regard for the various studies that try pathologizing conservatives in various ways because their views are dissimilar to those of mainstream social scientists.
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