baby almost here, and issues

[Zoe Girl]

My daughter called me today really upset. The plan is that if she does not go into labor before Sunday they will induce her that night. Well she told her dad that and now he is off on a deal about how she needs to research that and it is dangerous. His wife even texted her, I don't think she has ever texted the kids. So I talked to her a long time, told her it was okay to trust her DR, that the baby would be born and it would be all good. Then while I was at an event he called and left a message about this and offered to talk if I wanted to.

So here is the thing, I think he is stressing her out which is not good for having a baby. And I think this is another example of the way he just tries to take over with his 'expertise', mansplaining is the perfect word. I do think I should call him back but not sure what message to focus on and how to work with what he really can listen to. My idea is to focus more on how she and her fiance will do many things different than what we did, and it needs to be handled well if he wants a good relationship with them. He can he right of course, he can spend his whole life continuing the habits of researching and staying very analytical while ignoring how people are getting upset right in front of him. I also want to respect that he does this when he gets scared, as angry as I was when he lied about what a psychiatrist said to try and put our son in an in-patient facility even my son recognizes that his dad was scared.

[frugal-one]

Well, I believe her father is correct in that she should further research the reason or need for inducing labor. Not what you wanted to hear, I know. Being analytical is not always a bad thing. Obviously, her father is trying to protect her.

[JayPee]

I am also analytic, I do research and I like to be informed what is happening and why. But if you do so in terms of pregnancy, you always have to keep in mind that there can a lot of (bod) things happen, but there is a high possibility nothing of this will ever occur. And you never should underestimate the instincts of the mother and also the father. Manhood survived quite a while because of this instincts.

If a pregnancy takes longer than expected, it is common to take the mother into hospital and induce BEFORE there MIGHT occur any problem. So probably not the thing you wish for your labor, but nothing to be really scared of. We had this with our first child, too. The worst thing was the boring waiting (took 3 days), but for baby and mother there was never really any danger. Finally, our son was 10 days overdue, and he was perfectly healthy and fit right after birth.

If this research is a way for her father to deal with his fears, maybe you should encourage him to go on. But maybe you can tell him it is also important for your daughter to keep calm and to keep stress from her. She has to trust her heart, her body and her doctor, and it is best to encourage her with that. I think it is best to give her the feeling that you and her father are having her back, no matter what happens and give her free space and rest she needs right now.

[Chicken lady]

How overdue will the baby be on the planned induction date, and are there any indicators of distress in baby or mom?

i was induced with the third, and honestly, it sucked. I always recommend against it in the absence of specific medical concerns. ("The baby is late" is not a medical concern)

if you are now frustrated with us because you wanted advice only about your xh, I'd say, if talking to him were useful, you might still be married.....

[Zoe Girl]

No not frustrated with you guys, just that I have a totally different take on this. It is much less about the induction than about learning we as her parents are not in charge. Telling her more that she is capable and able to make good decisions will go much further than being right on this one. Jaypee I liked what you said, he can do his research but ultimately this is her and her fiances decision. They will make lots of decisions over the years that we may disagree with, and we need to learn. Thinking about inducing is hard for me too! I had a homebirth with my last child, a midwife at the hospital with my second. This is different than how I would do it, but it is up to me to support her and help her relax and feel confident. She has made really good decisions in the past, she took herself to rehab, did everything, arranged insurance, and has stayed sober since then.

My last conversation with ex-h actually went really well. He asked my advice and shared some things with me. It was like it was the first years. So I may text him and tell him a little bit of what I want to say and see if he still wants to talk.

[JaneV2.0]

I'm with those who urge caution. Pregnancy ends far too often in C-section in this country--mostly, it seems, for the convenience of medical personnel. I would want to know exactly what their reasons are for operating.

[Tybee]

I'm with those who urge caution. Pregnancy ends far too often in C-section in this country--mostly, it seems, for the convenience of medical personnel. I would want to know exactly what their reasons are for operating.

I think they were talking about inducing, not doing a c-section.
ZG, it sounds like your daughter has a good handle on this, and obviously, she and the doctors will make the decision. Sounds like your ex is trying to protect her but it sounds rather misguided and stressful. I don't see how you would want to get in the middle of that, as she is an adult and so is your ex and it is their relationship that is occurring.

I'd just keep supporting your daughter and giving her good, calm counsel. I don't think you can control what your ex does, or that you should feel responsible for their relationship.

[Teacher Terry]

I had a doctor want to induce my 3rd a month before he was due because I was dilated to 3. I changed doc's which did cost me more $ and that new doc was concerned that I would have the baby and his lungs would not be developed enough. They did an ultrasound and they were but he wanted the baby to stay in as long as possible. Then 2 weeks before he came on his due date I developed 2 of the 3 things for pre-eclampsia and they put me in the hospital on bedrest for 4 days. Then I went home and delivered a small but healthy baby right on time. Thank goodness I did not let them induce. It is also a painful labor since you immediately go into hard labor. I would only do it if the baby was at risk. I would urge your daughter to ask the doc why and then do her own research. This is a huge decision.

[margene]

I just had my first grandson three weeks ago. So yes I get what you're saying that they are the parents not you and you can't push your opinion on them as I recall people doing when I was a new mother. My way might be different not necessarily better. And there is no more offensive thing then to tell someone they are not caring for their child correctly. On that note I will put my two cents in here since I work in ob. I do think they do way too many inductions for no good reason which in my opinion leads to more c sections. Unless there are complications like high blood pressure or other issues. But ultimately yes it is their decision.

Well congratulations. It's such a good feeling having a grandchild.

[Zoe Girl]

That is helpful Margene, I texted my friend who has worked as an OB nurse. What I do know it that the baby is good size, everything is on time or past her due date, my daugher is tiny and has gained 40 pounds so there may be a concern about baby getting even bigger with a small framed mom. (for reference her bra size/rib cage is maybe a 32). This DR has not done anything over-intervention style so far even though I know induction is more common and possibly overdone now.

What you said about 'nothing is more offensive than telling someone they are not caring for their child' really hit it on the head. It sounds like TT had a strong gut feeling that induction was a bad idea, and she acted on it. My daughter feels a lot less stressed with the possibility of induction based on what she knows. My job is to support her, and I am not probably going to contact dad more than a text and only because he called me. Otherwise that is none of my business also.

[JaneV2.0]

I misread. One of my friends was induced (for no good reason) and when that didn't work, they went immediately to a C-section. Most of the time the body knows what it's doing--but of course, the medical team should be alert for (real) concerns.

[Teacher Terry]

If your daughter asks your opinion I would give it and if not I would zip it:))

[JaneV2.0]

If your daughter asks your opinion I would give it and if not I would zip it:))

Teacher Terry has the right idea, I suppose--though I would have trouble heeding it. Presumably she's an adult, and can make big decisions on her own.

[Tybee]

meant to add I am sending lots of good wishes her way and your way, and it's exciting that the baby is coming soon!

[Zoe Girl]

If your daughter asks your opinion I would give it and if not I would zip it:))

Yup, I had major issues with my mom and the zipping it problem. She struggled I could see, and some unconscious thing took over once I was divorced. Somehow I wasn't as capable then, although I don't think she noticed the difference. But we always try to be a different mom to our kids

[Tammy]

37 weeks through 43 weeks is considered within the range of normal delivery times. That's a six week window.

I had two kids at home with a midwife. Third kid I had in hospital cause I found a doc who would cooperate with my requests for natural birth. No IVs - no monitoring - no meds.

I'm not a natural birth nazi. To each her own. But remember that six week window ...

[greenclaire]

Sadly one thing that comes with being pregnant, giving birth and then parenting is the receipt of lots of pieces of advice. You get bombarded with it from all angles: family, friends, the media, healthcare staff etc and I'm sure all are well meaning and want the best for you. The only way to survive is to develop a slightly thick skin and learn to nod in the right places and then ultimately choose your own path.

[Zoe Girl]

I told my daughter that she would develop some momma bear traits being a mom. Not needing to be helicopter mom but you do get called on to stand up and advocate for your child. Her dad has a way when he gets into an analytical mode that he just tears people down. He doesn't stop, just pushes and pushes. I can recall a lot but want to let that go because it is no longer part of my life. However when it rears up probably the best I can do is support her and her fiance. The two families they come from are very different. I am sure that they will get grief from one side or another on many things. So they will need a little toughness. The best thing is that I can show them examples of how no matter how 'right' dad was and how much he pushed he does not always get his way. The loss is to him in the relationships.

[herbgeek]

The best thing is that I can show them examples of how no matter how 'right' dad was and how much he pushed he does not always get his way.

No, that is your battle. You don't need to make it hers. She will find her own way, and your experience will likely not be her experience. I'm sure the fact you are being present to witness her experience will be enough.

[freshstart]

No not frustrated with you guys, just that I have a totally different take on this. It is much less about the induction than about learning we as her parents are not in charge. Telling her more that she is capable and able to make good decisions will go much further than being right on this one. Jaypee I liked what you said, he can do his research but ultimately this is her and her fiances decision. They will make lots of decisions over the years that we may disagree with, and we need to learn. Thinking about inducing is hard for me too! I had a homebirth with my last child, a midwife at the hospital with my second. This is different than how I would do it, but it is up to me to support her and help her relax and feel confident. She has made really good decisions in the past, she took herself to rehab, did everything, arranged insurance, and has stayed sober since then.

My last conversation with ex-h actually went really well. He asked my advice and shared some things with me. It was like it was the first years. So I may text him and tell him a little bit of what I want to say and see if he still wants to talk.

I would remind your daughter of all the things you just said about her and if it's gonna get the ex more revved up if you talk to him, then I wouldn't, as hard as it is to remain silent. If you try to talk to him, he may just bother your daughter more, trying to get her on his "side"

[Tybee]

It's nice that your daughter called you for support. I would concentrate on that and leave the ex out of my personal loop.

My 2 dil's did not even want their moms to know they were in labor, as both thought their moms intrusive.

It's nervewracking to be a new grandparent.

[Zoe Girl]

i sent him a text, carefully worded to not get into being his counselor on this, just that she will be fine and trust the DR (plus saying I was with a friend so couldn't talk). I realize our 'good' conversations are kinda like support/counseling sessions and I am really not into that.