The Honeymoon Is Starting to Fade?

[SiouzQ.]

Hi guys, I feel like I need to check in and admit to myself and others out loud about some of the things I am feeling lately after the big move from August. So many mixed feelings, which as I am to understand, are totally normal after such a big upheaval. I am finding that meeting new people and becoming integrated into a new community is the hardest part of all this, even at age 55. Sure I have met a bunch of people out here and can go hang out at the tavern up the street any night of the week, but it is starting to feel somewhat superficial and it makes me miss my friends who "know" me back home. I am an introvert who "can be extroverted" at times, so making "real" true friends in a new place is proving to be kind of hard.

I am starting to see some of the cliques too - the group of woman that I find most interesting as people and as artists seems to be the hardest one to be granted entry into - they happen to be lesbians and since they don't know if I am "one of them or not" it is hard to get included into all the fun things they seem to be doing that I would enjoy doing too. Though the other night I finally was invited out to the bar after our exercise class so that is a start. But there was a bunch of Halloween parties this weekend that would have been nice to be invited to.

And then there is all the drinking - ugh, I feel like I am hitting the wall with excessive drinking (I don't even drink THAT much) but when I see how much money I have spent on booze since I have been here it is a crazy amount! But meeting up at the tavern every night after the galleries and shops close up is what people do. If I have a beer or (sometimes two) four of five nights out of the week that really adds up quickly. So there is that. My body and mind just don't like to be imbibing so much; especially this Halloween weekend when everyone goes out and parties for like four nights straight, I am having a hard time figuring out how not to be hermit and participate at least at some of the town events. I know I have to put myself out there in order to become part of the community but it is a hard balancing act to keep myself healthy by not excessively hitting the booze and keeping my sleep schedule relatively consistent.

However, I LOVE the weather and the landscape out here, and I love my tiny home despite some day-to-day issues with the electricity and lack of kitchen. The job is going pretty good despite continuing issues with the inventory spreadsheets. My new studio is getting better all the time and my new artwork is beginning to take off (which I must remember is one of the prime reasons I came out here).

Navigating interpersonal relationships is really hard for me anyway, so plunking myself down in a new place to start all over again is proving to be a bit harder than I thought it would be. I guess that I somehow thought that THAT part of my personality would have magically changed as I headed out west. I just really miss my few people back home that I know and who know me in a more intimate manner. It is hard to catch people on the phone because of the time difference and their busy lives.

Well, I have to sign off, take a shower and open up the gallery for the day. One nice perk is that when it is slow I can have my guitar behind the counter and noodle around all day long if I want to. I'm finally getting some of my chops back :)

[Chicken lady]

The bar has to serve something besides beer. Order a non alcoholic drink!

are you able to invite just one or two of the women you want yo be friends wth to get together and do something?

if you see a chance to help someone with something, jump in on that - always a good start to making friends!

i was afraid it was your little home that was wearing thin - that would be harder to fix.

[Zoe Girl]

I hear ya, I have thought about relocating at times and wondered about the friend issue. I am similar in that I can appear really extroverted so people may not realize that I am really an introverted person who can struggle making friends. Friends as adults is HARD. We moved several times growing up, my mom moved more as a child than we did. She said that it takes 2 years to really settle into a place. My parents have friends all over the country and they make a strong effort to keep up with them. I recall moving to Colorado when I was 16, houses were scattered far apart so there was so little chance of meeting other kids. I just went to school and started to sit near people, but not really with them, who I wanted to be friends with. I look back at how awkward I was! I am not sure how that works as adults, maybe it is going to the bar and just sitting near people until someone talks to you.

The drinking thing would be hard, I don't drink at all and honestly I find it awkward to hang out at times. Maybe one beer and then a soda or tea? I usually buy a plate of appetizers for the table to share and then an inexpensive ice tea. Seems to make it friendly even if I am not drinking. It is also hard to go to these community events alone, I need to push my self out but that is hard. When i do I make a plan, like I am going to all the art stalls, I have $X to spend and I will get one thing to eat. I try to go with one other person but if that fall through having a plan to go helps me at least get out.

I got some advice recently from my lesbian friends. I was at a point where I would consider dating women, not something I have done before but had been in the background of my mind for a long time. Apparently saying you are bi-sexual is a real turn off for the lesbian community. So it is a hard group to break into, I feel they have become really insular for good reasons, but I seem to have a lot of lesbian friends scattered across the landscape. Just being yourself whether you are interested in women or not was the advice I got, and give it a lot of time.

Hey, I was wondering if the gallery participates in these events or does any community type events? I just did a family night at our school, it is part of my job however it has taken years to build this collaboration up. I realize I am considering some of the families and teachers friends, or friendly people, after this amount of time. At least people to connect with. f

[catherine]

I can totally relate in terms of your approach to relationships. I'm exactly the same way--introverted, even shy (even at my age), but able to pull the extrovert out of my back pocket when necessary. One of the reasons I married my husband is because he is the polar opposite of me personality-wise. He's extremely gregarious, and will learn more from a chance meet-up with a stranger at Home Depot than I would be willing to share with anyone at any time. I don't know how he does it, put he attracts people like a moth to flame.

So I've always been concerned that if he goes first, I'm on my own, and I would anticipate some of the challenges you are facing. One of the reasons I've been hesitant about a move to VT is that the Vermonters are very, very insular and do not open their arms to "flatlanders" with ease. In fact, you're not even considered a Vermont native unless your ancestors fought with the Green Mountain boys (exaggerating of course.. slightly).

Are there any organizations that you can join? I know your town is really teeny but are there any adjacent towns that you could hit up on your day off? Yoga classes? Business network classes?

Or maybe it will just take a bit more time for that door to crack open. As you said, you may simply be at that "honeymoon's over" period--and as we all know, marriages don't fall apart after the honeymoon stage, most of the time. It's part of the process.

[SiouzQ.]

Yeah, I have considered starting to date woman for quite a long time, but I am so unsure of myself that I do not even know how one actually makes it known. It is something I have been trying to come to terms with my entire life but never felt comfortable enough back home amongst my family to even go there. Now that I am so far away it seems like it would be a great time to explore that side of myself. But it can feel like some "exclusive club" you need to be invited into...I just wish I had one person out here I could confide to about these trials and tribulations of being part of a new place, but I don't know any one here yet that I would feel comfortable with to do that. The one artist (lesbian) I had be-friended out here when I started coming out here a few years ago has turned out to be very stand-offish now. Sometimes I feel like I did something to piss her off (?); she is just not being very friendly and welcoming to me, but some of her friends are, and they are the ones who included me the other night. I think maybe because I am so ambiguous it is not helping me but that's the spot I am in. I am feeling very ambiguous these days. I think they just don't what to make of me yet...

[sweetana3]

You have to give it time.

No one "has to" drink alcohol. There are a lot of recovering alcoholics out there and designated drivers. The bartender will fix you whatever you want. If someone gives you something to drink just sip and let it sit. Anyone who pressures you is the problem person, not you.

When Mom moved here, she did not jump in and try to join anything. She figured it was better to look around and see what really was going on and who to avoid. Turns out this quiet approach worked for her and now there is quite a group wanting to join her in activities.

But really, give it some time.

[margene]

I can't speak from experience as I have always lived in the same area my whole life but my son moved from Illinois to Florida and became terribly homesick and came back home after 4 months. i know many people who have moved here from other countries and other parts of this country and all of them suffered homesickness. Obviously after a while it passes because they are still here. The old saying there's no place like home but I think your feelings of what home is can change over time.

[JaneV2.0]

Whenever you get nostalgic, just think of the brutal hours, annoying co-workers, and thwarted artistic impulses. Give it a couple of years.

Have you considered that the lesbian artist may have developed some feelings for you, and doesn't want to risk rejection? Something to consider. And even more so if you're "bi-curious."

I echo those who say you don't have to drink--at least not every time out. That gets expensive fast. Try soda water with a twist--it looks like a serious beverage.

[Teacher Terry]

So having moved a lot-living in 5 different states when I had kids the moves were easier because you met people through them and their activities. My last move at age 43 was alone. I was divorced and kids grown. Even being an extrovert it was hard. It took me about 2 years to actually have friends. I spend the first year of holidays alone. So my advice is to expect it to take between 1-2 years. I now love where I live and have great friends. I am glad the job and living space is turning out well. Hugs:))

[19Sandy]

1. Start your own book club
2. Find a church or other religious/spiritual group
3. Join a conservation group or bird-watching group
4. Find a local gym
5. Look for an extension homemakers club
6. Teach art or music
7. Visit the local library for club meetings
8. Volunteer somewhere

I am a real introvert so not being around people doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I could live in a cave somewhere and be okay (as long as I can use a computer/internet, watch television and listen to the radio. I make myself go to social functions occasionally. However, you are in a new environment and the honeymoon is over thing is appropriate. It is the same for most people who move. You did a long-distance move to a new environment and it is very different. However, make a list of the benefits (better job, nicer weather). I am not a drinker either and wouldn't want to waste the money so finding something else to do is a good plan.

[sweetana3]

to repeat what someone said, go back and read your previous posts about the soul sucking job and hours. It would seem the benefits far outweight the negatives right now.

[iris lilies]

OP, that must be a letdown, to have someone who was kinda/sorta your one friend there turn iut t not be friendly.

I know that Madrid is tiny, and you cant spend all of your time either 1) at the bar to socialize or 2) driving into the big town to socialize.

But I would think that a once a month venture into Santa Fe or Albuquerque for a planned social event seems reasonable on a budget. There has GOT to be free lectures and etc. to attend there.

Also, the Sierra Club must be puttng on hiking events and/or hot springs events often around there.

[freshstart]

I don't have any advice to add except to say it's doubly hard when your real nature is to be an introvert. I hope some of the ideas others have given pan out. The Sierra Club sounds like a particularly good one.

[Kestra]

Yep, it's definitely hard; both moving/upheaval - job and living stuff, and the meeting new friends. I'm lucky in that at least I have my SO and sister here. So that's something.
But I haven't met any new friends or kindred spirit people yet; at least no one who I see outside of a specific activity. Small talk is so hard for me, as is being around a lot of people at once. Internet friends are good, but not the same. I'm horrible about communicating with people on the phone. I miss my friends from my past city. It took over 10 years to feel I knew a few people there, then some of those moved, then I moved.

And your town is so tiny. No good advice that others haven't already given. I'd just try whatever activity groups you could find. I find being introverted I really need a reason to be around other people. A common interest, or an activity. Then maybe some chatting will occur. Just talking or networking by itself is too difficult.

[razz]

SQ, I find that whenever I am feeling alone, I look at what I can give. It might be tutoring little kids, helping some organizations mentioned earlier or simply offering to visit someone who needs company because of illness or injury. Set boundaries on what you are willing to do, definitely, but find a way of giving time or energy to something that has meaning for you. You will find kindred spirits more readily that way. I agree with the plan for 2 years of being alone until the social connections grow solid. I have been surprised at who has come through and who has fallen away.

Above all else, be true to yourself at all times. You are courageous, intelligent, adventurous, artistic, interesting and capable.

[pinkytoe]

I surely understand the homesickness part. We have finally arrived at our Colorado retirement destination and I have waves of missing people and places. I decided though that we will give it 2- 3 years and try very hard to make new friends and have new experiences before we get any older. Perhaps over time, your friendships there will strengthen. At thee least, you won't live with the regret of not having tried this experiment.

[Tammy]

Wait a few months or a year. Then visit back in Michigan for a week. Then go back home to NM. Then reflect on how you feel.

For me, visiting where I lived before is never as great as it seems when I feel homesick. Visiting and reflecting has always caused me to be happy that I had moved.

[SiouzQ.]

After mulling all this stuff in my head for the better part of the week, I have come under the conclusion that once again, for the millionth time in my life, I have been trying to change my core personality and somehow become a more social butterfly. IT DOESN'T WORK! It has never really worked. It just means that I have to go back and honor my finicky social behaviors. Sometimes I really like to go out and be in a noisy bar and get up on stage a sing the blues, or go to an open mic where playing and listening is the main focus. I cannot just go to the bar and try and socialize with no props or purpose. I've tried that and pretty much can't deal with it.

Yes, my little town is pretty far from things, though a few weeks ago I went to Santa Fe after dark to go to a new blues jam. I had never driven these roads in the dark so it was a little nerve-wracking to go down the mountain and then come home again real late in the pitch black. I had a lot of fun once I had a little social lubrication and actually got the nerve to get up and sing with the band. The crowd seemed to really like me and the musicians invited me back. I did go back the next week too, but decided it was something I would continue but maybe only once or twice per month, not every wee,k because it is a bit exhausting to stay up that late and drive home down the lonely roads at midnight.

Here in town I have volunteered to have a small part in a local production in the theater in a few weeks, so we are meeting on Wednesday evening to get that figured out. So that is one good thing I've done to put myself out there. We'll see what other stuff I may take on as other things pop up. I actually do like being alone most of the time, but still would like to know that there are people out here that I could be good friends with. I do understand it is going to take a lot of time. Meanwhile, I am going to allow myself to be a hermit if I so desire to, like tonight. It was so slow in the shop today that I did go up the street and have a beer and chat with a few people while it was still light out, but then decided to go home early and play guitar and eat instead of going to yet another Halloween thing. Honestly, I am over it!

[ctg492]

So having moved a lot-living in 5 different states when I had kids the moves were easier because you met people through them and their activities. My last move at age 43 was alone. I was divorced and kids grown. Even being an extrovert it was hard. It took me about 2 years to actually have friends. I spend the first year of holidays alone. So my advice is to expect it to take between 1-2 years. I now love where I live and have great friends. I am glad the job and living space is turning out well. Hugs:))

Yes,me too many cities and a few states also. I have always said it takes a year to feel like "home" and 2 years is a feeling of OH that was so long ago at the old city/home area. I have run back to the last place a couple times. It is never ever the same as when I left.

Having said that, you can return and chalk it up to a great experience and you are so glad you took the leap and tried it, what a great time, not many ever actually do what they think they want. If you came back to MI, a new job/company, a new place to live, would be just like starting over with a fresh outlook while still having some of the same old familiarity.

[iris lilies]

Your activities sound perfect, you have gone to Santa Fe a few rimes, you are getting involved in a play.,those are great supplements to the occasional beer at the bar.
How many bars are actually in Madrid?

[catherine]

Here in town I have volunteered to have a small part in a local production in the theater in a few weeks, so we are meeting on Wednesday evening to get that figured out.

OMG, if you'll ever find a sense of community, you're highly likely to find it participating in theatre.

[SiouzQ.]

I had fun last night! Someone in town posted on the town Facebook page the she was having a bonfire party and two types of chili - I posted back that I was new-ish in town and asked first if it was okay to come (it was posted to everyone who is a member of the page, but I wanted to make sure it was okay and it was a easy way to introduce myself first before I just walked into the party).

Anyway, the cold rain that we've had for the last two days finally stopped and the bonfire was warm and the musical instruments came out. There were quite a number of people there that I had already met so this was a great way to let them get to know me a little more. The artist that I felt was being a little standoffish with me was there too and she was a lot friendlier and was very complimentary to me about my guitar playing. It turns out I am quite a good musician in this town (not that it is a competition) but that feels good to know that I have some pretty good guitar chops!

I am glad I went and it was once again confirmed to me that gatherings at someone's house are much preferable than hanging around the tavern in the long run.

[CathyA]

That's good new SiouzQ! So glad you enjoyed yourself!