View Full Version : Looking at moving and anxiety (a long post)
My spouse and I will be moving sometime in the near future. We haven't looked at any other places yet, but I figured it would be a good idea to start looking at rates for truck rentals, movers, etc. And to try to declutter.
Last night, I started going through one of my bookcases (I have several, one of which is wall-length). I would not say it was a panic attack, but I experienced anxiety when I tried to put certain books in a bag for the public library. I think the anxiety was of the "but maybe you're going to use this book someday/you paid for this X years ago and never used it" type. To be honest, the whole thing about moving scares me.
I've only moved a few times in my life. 1) I was four and my parents bought a house, so that doesn't even count; 2) I was 23 and I moved to an apartment with a roommate; 3) Six months later, I got married and moved into my spouse's apartment; 4) 11 years after that, we moved into our current home in 1999. It's a two-story, three bedroom house with attic and basement, and my husband is a borderline hoarder. I'm no Suzy Homemaker either. Like, I have a lot of craft items I never used, but the thought of giving them away triggers guilt (I paid good money for that!) or selling them seems overwhelming (taking photos, boxing them up, mailing them out, deducting seller's fees/figuring out prices). We don't have room for a yard sale (we literally don't have a yard) and we're in the Northeast US so it's the wrong season. It's gonna be a long haul (no pun intended) b/c Spouse has a hard time parting with anything. Last time we moved it was a nightmare.
We literally ended up leaving stuff behind in the basement. We had a legal battle with the landlord (read: Slumlord) and basically felt like we didn't care if we left a mess for him. Feeling the same away about the current landlord (and I don't care if I get the security deposit back. These people have done literally nothing to maintain the property over the years--long story).
Spouse and I also had multiple fights about painting our new place (one reason I don't like my landlord: their attitude from day one was: we're not gonna do anything, like paint or clean the place before you move in). Spouse felt each room had to be painted perfectly. As a result, we still have unpainted rooms in the house.
I have nowhere, literally nowhere to stack boxes with stuff I want to keep in them. Obviously, one of the first steps is to clear SOME kind of a little space. I do NOT want to rent a storage unit--that way, madness (and more clutter) lies.
I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, as we are in the midst of a legal situation (one of the reasons we are moving). There's no huge hurry, I should add, but I really don't want to stay in that house too much longer. First we're going to get the legal matter settled, then look at places.
In short, I'm overwhelmed and don't know where to start or what to do. In the past, I've taken a more passive role in this kind of thing, and this time, I want to be more of a shot-caller. (Is that even a word?)
Thank you for listening.
I'm open to any and all moving advice. I've already read FlyLady's page on moving, and also the UFYH tumblr page.
Teacher Terry
11-3-16, 3:33pm
Do you have a good friend or family member that can help you? I have helped a few of my friends with this issue. One couple moved out and took what would fit in their new home. I went in with my son and DH and we sold the rest over a period of a week. The rest went to charity. One condition of me doing this was that they could not be there.
I'm too embarrassed to let anyone into my house. At least, the way it looks right now.
EDIT: Here's a situation I ran into. My mother gave me a little book of positive thoughts that was given to her by her BFF. It's got an inscription that says something like, "dear friend of my heart" and both their names are in there. I'm afraid to give it to the Salvation army in case someone knows both of them and sees the book there. I guess I could cut the page out. But the words" friend of my heart" made me sad that my mother gave me the book in the first place, and one part of me event resents that she gave it to me. Now it's MY freaking burden to get rid of it, and it wasn't even my friend who gave it to me! See how my mind works? I hope I'm not hopelessly neurotic.
ApatheticNoMore
11-3-16, 3:53pm
If the page is sentimental cut it out and keep it somewhere (so you keep one page that's only horrible for an extreme minimalist) and donate the book. If the page is the opposite of sentimental maybe just cut out the page and burn it.
If the page is sentimental cut it out and keep it somewhere (so you keep one page that's only horrible for an extreme minimalist) and donate the book. If the page is the opposite of sentimental maybe just cut out the page and burn it.
This is why I always own a chimaya.
\If you do not have a yard/a chimaya, then shred the paper because it upsets you, saying healing words for all involved as you shred and release it to the cosmos with your good wishes.
Then give the book away.
That is a great example, by the way.
I do have a shredder. I'll try cutting the page out. I feel VERY strange doing anything like that to a book b/c I work in a library. I'm a crafter, too, but have never been able to get into "altered books." LOL
I know, but you are more important than the object.
How long until the move? I just started participating in the 5 a day thread. When I did flylady she threw out 27 things a day. I did that and it REALLY made the house great--started a couple of months before we moved.
How much time do you have to work with?
Another suggestion--stay away from the hoarding threads here, which are very judgmental and unpleasant, imo. You do not need shame heaped on top of all the difficult feelings you are already feeling.
I like doing a certain number a day. Once when I moved I had a goal of reducing my books so I would look at them and say, of these 2, one has to go. I think I ended up keeping one out of three.
I should do that again, lol.
freshstart
11-3-16, 4:13pm
I admit I have trouble parting with things because of guilt (on the money spent, on not using it, it's still good to use, someday I might use it, over the person who gave/made it for me, the kids made it, on and on). Guilt makes it very hard to get rid of anything. Having another person there this weekend (not a family member), a neutral person, really helped. I got rid of ugly afghans my grandmother had made that I never used and probably never would, I also got rid of a made by hand quilt given to me when I married, the person who made it means a lot to me. I thought I would feel despair once these items left the house, instead I feel freed and it's encouraged me to get rid of more. Sometimes it's ok to let someone else in if they understand. ((frugalone))
Miss Cellane
11-3-16, 4:23pm
I have moved a lot. Military childhood, followed by a certain desire to move after I've lived somewhere for 4-5 years. It's possible the two are related.
I also have difficulties in getting rid of things. And I have a lot of things. But every time I move, I get rid of stuff, because getting rid of it is easier than moving it.
Here are some things that have helped me, in no particular order.
Books. I have so many books. But I have reduced the book collection by over half in the last six years. I decided I was not going to buy any more bookcases. And that I was no longer going to double-shelve my books. They were all going to fit on the shelves without having two rows of books on each shelf.
First, I went through all the book shelves and pulled out all the books I knew I would never read again. Some of these were gifts--the giver meant well, but the book just wasn't me. So I just hoped the giver would never look for that book, and rehearsed what I'd say if they did, which was along the lines of, "Well, it's probably in a bookcase in another room."
Then I took a genre of books--sci-fi, mysteries, novels, books I had to read in college--and ranked all the books in a given genre, from my most favorite to my least favorite. I did this physically, with the books all spread out on my bed. I got rid of the bottom 25% of books in each genre.
Then I kept only the first book in a series for most of the series that I had--the library has the rest. I kept the first book more to help me remember the author's name than anything else.
And then, because I still had too many books, I went to each bookcase and examined the books in each one. If there were 6 shelves in the bookcase, I needed to pull out 6 books. If there were 3 shelves, 3 books. I had to repeat this a couple of times. (Someone asked me why I didn't remove one book from every shelf--that's because some shelves only had books that were definite keepers and no way was I going to make an arbitrary rule that forced me to get rid of my favorite books.)
This all happened slowly, over a couple of years. But I got there! And the library book sale people were happy.
As for other stuff, I found that the system I used for each genre of books was really helpful for other things. I got out all my sweaters (33 of them!) and ranked them. And I only kept 17. Which would seem like a lot to a minimalist, but I was pretty happy with myself. I repeated that with all my clothing, with dishes, with kitchen gadgets, with towels and sheets.
Another thing you can do is to make rules. One rule could be that anything that is broken goes. Anything that you have duplicates of, only one stays. Now, the key thing here is that you keep the one you really like, even if it is not the sensible, rational choice that a stranger would make. This is your choice and you get to make it.
All that unused craft stuff--donate it. Let someone else have the joy of using it. If you keep it, it will sit there, reminding you, taunting you, that you aren't using it. Get rid of it and enjoy the empty space in your house. And in your head, because you will never, ever have to think about it again.
I guess what this boils down to is, set some sort of limit for each category of possessions. Gather everything in that category. Rank it. Discard the bottom 20 or 25 or 30 or 50 per cent. Repeat as necessary until the items fit in the space limit.
I hate to get on the bandwagon for Marie Kondo, but I really think her method of reducing possessions has merit. I did my books using her system last month, and it was pretty painless (although the thought of removing all my books and putting them on the floor in the living room initially freaked me out). I got rid of 300 books, and I truly don't have any "discarder's remorse." I look around and my bookshelves are me. My living room looks neater, my office looks neater and I can find things easier.
One of the reasons I think I'm going to move forward and use the same system for our clothing next is because, like you, OP, I want to prepare myself for an eventual downsizing. It seems inevitable and I'd rather tackle the tough stuff sooner rather than later--opening up myself and DH to the kinds of fights you were mentioning. I don't think we ever moved without having a big fight. At least one. I think it comes with the territory. But the chances of a fight will be in inverse proportion to the amount of stuff I'll be able to get rid of proactively.
But I do empathize. We've lived in this house for 31 years. Yes, the idea of moving seems insurmountable, but I think you are smart to get started now. I'm sorry about your separation. I can only imagine how that is adding to the difficulty in letting go. But I think if you can get through it, you'll feel SO much freer.
Chicken lady
11-3-16, 4:58pm
Frugalone, what you are describing sounds like hoarder thinking.
if you are a self-help book kind of person, this one:
stuff: compulsive hoarding and the meaning of Things by Gail Steketee and Randy O. Frost
Helped me a lot.
And if you want to talk to someone who can cheer sincerely when you throw out the bread twisties, I can do that too.
Tybee--thanks for the hugs! The move is not imminent, as in "we haven't even looked at places yet." I think winter is a crummy time to move, but there you have it. I did look at a couple of places on Craigslist but didn't call.
Miss Cellane--LOVE the idea for keeping the first in a series. That will solve some of my issues.
catherine--It's not a separation, as in divorce. I can see why you might think that since I mentioned legal issues. The legal issues are with a neighbor. The guy has made our lives miserable for the past 10 years and after an event that took place last week involving authorities (who basically have been no help at all), I put my foot down and said we are moving. I don't really know how seriously my spouse is taking my decision. I think he will realize that it's not in our best interest to keep living in our house. But we really have to concentrate on the legal issue first.
I like the 5 a day idea. I've tried it before and I usually fizzle out after a couple of days. I'll try again.
In the meantime, I found this great list of questions to ask oneself:
https://www.clutterdiet.com/clutter-video-tip-20-questions-to-ask-about-keeping-anything/
When I made my last move, I asked myself if I wanted my kids to have to call a disposal company to clear things out. I didn't want anyone to dealing with my stuff beyond normal living items. That was the best motivation for me.
If I purchased it and had the use, it had served its purpose and went out the door with no regrets.
If I have stuff that I bought over the years and have not used, I examine my life and ask myself if I love doing that type of activity NOW. I may have been interested in the past but now my interests have changed so out that stuff goes.
Duplicates of anything, gone out the door unless it makes a big difference now.
Don't judge yourself or condemn. Recognize that you are where you are, now. Decide what is important now. What gives you joy now?
It isn't over with the first trip of decluttering but may take several steps as you discover what is important to you now.
I am very comfortable with giving away stuff that another person may enjoy or a volunteer organization may value for selling to raise funds. How do you feel about this?
catherine--It's not a separation, as in divorce. I can see why you might think that since I mentioned legal issues. The legal issues are with a neighbor. The guy has made our lives miserable for the past 10 years and after an event that took place last week involving authorities (who basically have been no help at all), I put my foot down and said we are moving. I don't really know how seriously my spouse is taking my decision. I think he will realize that it's not in our best interest to keep living in our house. But we really have to concentrate on the legal issue first.
Oh, shoot. That's the second time I misunderstood a post recently. I now see it says "legal situation," not "legal separation." :|( I've been trying to get away without replacing glasses I lost--guess I better buckle down and get them, otherwise I'll wind up continuing to channel Emily Latella:
1643
razz--I have two boxes of art supplies for an organization that works with mentally ill adults. They run a gallery and make crafts to sell locally. So I'm fine with that.
catherine--Thanks for making me smile! I love Emily!
I started reading that book in the summer but didn't finish. We have it in the library where I work.
I also read "Dirty Secret," a book about a woman decluttering her hoarder mom's house. Very eye-opening, and the author referred to "Stuff" quite a lot in the book.
Frugalone, what you are describing sounds like hoarder thinking.
if you are a self-help book kind of person, this one:
stuff: compulsive hoarding and the meaning of Things by Gail Steketee and Randy O. Frost
Helped me a lot.
And if you want to talk to someone who can cheer sincerely when you throw out the bread twisties, I can do that too.
iris lilies
11-3-16, 6:59pm
Do you have a good friend or family member that can help you? I have helped a few of my friends with this issue. One couple moved out and took what would fit in their new home. I went in with my son and DH and we sold the rest over a period of a week. The rest went to charity. One condition of me doing this was that they could not be there.
That is brilliant, and a great approach to helping a firend who is stuck in Stuffland.
iris lilies
11-3-16, 7:04pm
I do have a shredder. I'll try cutting the page out. I feel VERY strange doing anything like that to a book b/c I work in a library. I'm a crafter, too, but have never been able to get into "altered books." LOL
Because I worked in a library and during my career supervised the acquisitions and processing of many millions of items, (not exaggerating the quantity) I know that books are just things. They are not sacred objects. Really. Just get over it and move on in a positive path in your life.
I've always thought of books--with the exception of best-selling novels--as sacred objects. Not as sacred as nature, of course, but still. I've always been kind of sickened by the altered book craze--especially when the books altered are old. I guess I didn't work long enough at the library.
I think it was reading Fahrenheit 451 that did it for my generation.
Nonetheless, I can get rid of a book now.
I never heard of the altered book craze, but I don't think I'd like it.
freshstart
11-3-16, 7:32pm
I can see why books are hard for people. My mother and I used to frequent this mystery bookstore that sold all used books for $1 once a year. We each spent $100 and would walk out with 200 books. The last sale was probably in '93. The books went to my house, I read them all. The plan was they'd go to my mom's and then we would donate or sell them back. She used to read back then but I could never get her to sell them back without a huge fight. She (nor I) don't re-read books in general, esp a mystery when you know how it ends.
Fast forward 23 yrs. Guess who still had hundreds of mystery books on the day of the great clean out? Grrrr. My mother has not read a book in a few years now, and she admits that is unlikely to change. I offered to write down the title of every single book and I would get it from the library whenever she wanted (although these books are likely out of print, she didn't know that). I offered to have them picked up by the library so they could make money on them. Nothing worked. Between that and the wall of boxes labeled "papers to file", our basement is a fire hazard.
I might try that keep 50% idea with her. I get she can't get rid of stuff but books when you can't read seems like it should be easy. One thing that upset her was the "waste" of the $1 spent on the book, but I read every single one so it wasn't a waste at all.
I used to read 2-3 books a week before the neuro thing happened. Yet if you came in my home you would not think I was a big reader because the only books to be found were from the library. I like it that way. anything I want is 2 miles from my house.
iris lilies
11-3-16, 8:28pm
I think it was reading Fahrenheit 451 that did it for my generation.
Nonetheless, I can get rid of a book now.
I never heard of the altered book craze, but I don't think I'd like it.
Some fascinating art objects are being made out of books. Most decent size art festivals have at least one book artist.
Simplemind
11-3-16, 8:42pm
I went to Catholic school and believe me, those nuns stressed that those books were sacred. We made new book covers for them every year. Never ever were you to bend, fold or mutilate. I cringe when somebody gives me a book and writes in it. I could never use a highlighter. I admire some book art but yet it still bothers me that a book was dismantled to make it.
iris lilies: altered book craze? What kind of art objects are made?
I wish op with her move, I really do as I have moved so many times:( A line that I think of often now and use it for many situations: "Don't love anything that can't love you back". Gosh when I think of material possessions in that view it makes things clearer.
iris lilies
11-4-16, 6:42am
iris lilies: altered book craze? What kind of art objects are made?
Here are a few http://www.simplelivingforum.net/attachment.php?attachmentid=1644&stc=1
We just made the largest move of our lifetime leaving our home of 16 years and condensing all our possessions to do so. I started about six months before the move eliminating things through garage sales and craigslist. It was at times very painful but now that we are somewhat resettled, I really don't miss anything over which I fretted. In the end, all of our possessions including furniture fit into two of those small pods and our car. I think we saved about six boxes of books in total as I intend to use the library from here on out and not acquire more books. I took photos of those things with emotional ties before letting them go and put the photos in a computer folder called Our Stuff. I don't know if I'll ever look at them again, but they are there if I get a wild hair to do so. It really is interesting how you forget about your things once they are out of sight. It has actually been very liberating to let go of all these things and even more fun to open boxes and find a few of our old familiar "friends" within. I guess if I were giving advice on a big move it would be to begin with the end in mind. Do you really want to see all your present belongings to the next place?
I am very comfortable with giving away stuff that another person may enjoy or a volunteer organization may value for selling to raise funds. How do you feel about this?
This is what I do. I try to donate things that are related to the organization. For example, animal related knick knacks went to a thrift store that raises money for their rescue group. I donated horse items to the therapeutic riding school's annual sale. This makes me feel that the items have a better chance of going to someone who actually wants them, and someone makes money in the process.
I wholeheartedly recommend Marie Kondo.
Thanks for your encouragement. I'm starting to look at every object and think about whether I really care if I ever see it again or what.
Funny--the other day I was reading an article about decluttering, and they had a couple of graphics about what objects people have trouble getting rid of. "Gifts" was number one on one graphic, and a huge percentage of people have trouble tossing greeting cards! I just laughed because that's one of the things I can't bring myself to throw out without a struggle. Like, at work? Every Christmas, I get at least 10-15 cards from coworkers. But after Christmas, I never know how to get rid of them. I'm always afraid someone will see them in the trash, either at home or at work, and ask me why I would throw out such a thing. At times, I have wrapped them in plastic grocery bags and thrown them out in a public trashcan.
It sounds like something a Woody Allen character would do!
Thanks for your encouragement. I'm starting to look at every object and think about whether I really care if I ever see it again or what.
Funny--the other day I was reading an article about decluttering, and they had a couple of graphics about what objects people have trouble getting rid of. "Gifts" was number one on one graphic, and a huge percentage of people have trouble tossing greeting cards! I just laughed because that's one of the things I can't bring myself to throw out without a struggle. Like, at work? Every Christmas, I get at least 10-15 cards from coworkers. But after Christmas, I never know how to get rid of them. I'm always afraid someone will see them in the trash, either at home or at work, and ask me why I would throw out such a thing. At times, I have wrapped them in plastic grocery bags and thrown them out in a public trashcan.
It sounds like something a Woody Allen character would do!
Do you have a thrift store in your town that specializes in craft supplies? I suspect most sizeable cities have them (Seattle has one called ReCreative, and Portland has Scrap PDX), and I bet they'd be happy to take them off your hands. Collage artists, particularly, love ephemera.
JaneV2.0--Not that I'm aware of. But I am giving the craft supplies to a group that works with mentally disabled adults. They said they would take anything, even half-used bottles of paint!
I am also rather worried about looking for a place to live. I've never really done it before. Or, not for very many years. At times, I do not feel like a real adult.
ApatheticNoMore
11-6-16, 6:46pm
Have you looked at prices of a new rental? Woah that can be a bucket of cold water if ever there was one. What one can afford.
Assisted living facilities would probably take your craft supplies. They're always looking for things for the residents to keep them busy, and possibly sell at their little craft fairs.
Ask about cards, too. I hate to see those go to waste if someone can use them.
Ask about cards, too. I hate to see those go to waste if someone can use them.
See, it's this sort of thinking that is paralyzing the OP. Stuff can't go to waste, don't want to lose the money put into an item.
OP, IMO, your two choices are pitch or donate. Don't try selling stuff. Too much work. Donate in big loads at once to a thrift store. Trying to find the perfect recipient for your stuff just drags you down.
My preferred method is to just pitch it all. I'd get a dumpster in your situation and just chuck it all in.
Chicken lady
11-7-16, 7:26am
Tradd, sometimes that can be paralyzingly, but sometimes it can be helpful.
i have an excessive collection of empty frames that I might want to use to frame art by my kids (and I have an will use some of them) but I had lost track of how many I had and it was clear some had to go. But it was hard to decide, and it was hard to give up the frames.
then a teacher sent home a note asking parents for 8x10 frames for a class project. My response was "how many?" And bang - a big box of frames was gone. And, as a side benefit, I was able to donate a couple of non 8x10s and I got what I have organized by size, and I mostly stopped buying any more)
if the cards are causing so much stress, than a clear and easy path for the cards to move through her life is a good thing.
Sometimes actually finding the perfect (or good enough) recipient for your stuff gets you moving.
Funny--the other day I was reading an article about decluttering, and they had a couple of graphics about what objects people have trouble getting rid of. "Gifts" was number one on one graphic, and a huge percentage of people have trouble tossing greeting cards! I just laughed because that's one of the things I can't bring myself to throw out without a struggle. Like, at work? Every Christmas, I get at least 10-15 cards from coworkers. But after Christmas, I never know how to get rid of them.
I recycle mine by cutting them into gift tags for next year's presents. They make great gift tags! Then I just throw out the parts I don't use.
I never throw things out if they're still useful, but I haven't the slightest problem donating. At this point, the money spent is irrelevant.
If you have the time/inclination, join Freecycle in your area--that way you're directly helping others with your unwanted items.
If you have the time/inclination, join Freecycle in your area--that way you're directly helping others with your unwanted items.
Great suggestion. I use Freecycle a lot.
Teacher Terry
11-7-16, 3:25pm
I won't throw anything away either that can be used and is in decent shape. I either thrift it or put it in the front yard with a free sign. When we remodeled our house we put the stuff in our front yard and it was gone within hours. Old doors, flooring, sinks, toilets, etc. I don't usually even need to put it in Craiglist. We get enough traffic that people see it and take it.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.