PDA

View Full Version : Why do I do this? Flip out before birthdays, holidays, etc.



frugalone
11-29-16, 6:07pm
Some of you may have seen my post re: Thanksgiving. My spouse and I planned to have a quiet celebration at home with a vegetarian meal. However, we ended up getting in an argument that lasted for several days. Everything is OK now, but he pointed out, as he has on many occasions, that I often find a way to spoil holidays, birthdays, family get-togethers.

I know it takes two to tango--but he's right. I always look forward to these occasions, and when it gets close to them (let's say,the day before), I kind of flip out. I don't want to go, I become very anxious (and often take anti-anxiety meds the day of), I suddenly find all sorts of things wrong with my family. This has been happening for nearly 30 years. I wasn't like this when I was growing up. (I'm in my 50s now). I used to LOVE the holidays, for example.

Then my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer right before Christmas in '87, and he died during Easter Week '88. That was one of the worst years of my life. I realize that was a long time ago, of course.

Some of the problems with the holidays are that we have a whole new family. I really, really miss my grandparents and the wonderful holiday celebrations we had. People do die, grow up, have their own families. Sure, I get that. There's something to be said about the sheltered environment in which I was raised. Now in my family, we've got 1) terminally ill people (every time I see them, I wonder "is this the last time?" 2) drug addicts 3) jailbirds 4) uncomfortable to be around offspring (b/c both parents are addicts) 5) my awkward relationship with my brother 6) my sister's mini-McMansion (we're kind of poor and that kind of neighborhood sticks in my craw). etc.

Maybe a lot of people start flipping out when faced with a whole day with their family. My spouse keeps asking me, "Why do you do this? What is the problem?" And I don't have an answer for him. I thought perhaps the answer was staying away from the family for a day. But I found myself picking a fight with him anyway.

A slight disclaimer: We are currently under a great deal of stress due to an insane neighbor and an impending trial/lawsuit. Still, I'm always uptight around these events.

Do you have any insight?

Chicken lady
11-29-16, 6:42pm
Thoughts from someone who has managed to spoil more than her share of holidays for herself:

you want what you had. You know this is an unrealistic expectation. You are nonetheless angry? Sad? resentful? Dissapointed? That you can't have it, And so rather than try something new and risk having it actually work out or simply fail to satisfy, you just take control of the situation by sabotaging everything and ensuring that the holiday will justify your expectations of misery. (See, this sucks. I knew it would suck.)

this is year my daughter hosted thanksgiving. It was totally different. And lovely.

Tammy
11-29-16, 7:42pm
Therapy would help you get to the bottom of this. You've certainly tried many different approaches over several years. It's not for a lack of trying.

catherine
11-29-16, 8:03pm
I agree with Chickenlady: a lot probably has to do with expectations. Disappointment inevitably follows an expectation.

I know you probably didn't mean it this way, but there was quite a bit of judgement embedded in the cast of characters you listed. Why not try to appreciate your "motley crew" for who they are? Shoot, my family isn't exactly the Brady Bunch--which is why I LOVE that movie Little Miss Sunshine. There's something about people's imperfections that makes life that much more interesting!

My Thanksgiving came close to being derailed as well. I spent it with DH, which was lovely, but there were some circumstances that made me sad in the middle of the day. So I went out for a long walk with the dog, and thought about my great-aunt, the most inspirational role model I had, who told me that she shook the blues by telling herself "Stop feeling sorry for yourself, old woman!" So I was able to get past it, and it was smooth sailing after that.

I also agree with Tammy, that there may be underlying issues that will help you figure it all out. Anyway, you have Christmas to look forward to! :-/

Zoe Girl
11-29-16, 9:47pm
I am not a therapy for everything kinda person but this does sound like a good therapy topic. It could be a lot of things, grief over the losses or the impending losses. Even grief over the addictions in the family. I also think bringing the memory of some of those loved ones or their traditions would be nice. Can you bring an old photo album to share or a favorite food?

I hate to see holidays so stressful for you, even with just your spouse. I used to have more stress about family get togethers, I felt a lot of judgment and stress and I think it was more from me than from other people. I also struggle with wanting quiet deep conversations and some years it was just so many people that it wasn't going to happen. So I re-adjusted, I still don't like that they never want me to cook and it is awkward that I am the lowest income of the group, but I can work with that now after some work on my own.

frugalone
11-30-16, 1:39pm
I will definitely discuss this with my therapist. Although I have done so in the past (different therapist) and the suggestion was "make your own holidays what you want them to be." Well, I've failed miserably at that, so I've got to get a new approach.

Zoe Girl, I do think that the judgment and stress *I* feel comes from within me. Although (if you saw one of my threads recently) my sister referred to us as "poor". It's kind of like insulting someone's mother. It's OK if I talk badly about my mother, but don't anyone else do it! LOL

We usually do bring some food, as we're vegetarian and we like to add to the repast. But maybe having a special Shutterfly album made up of past Christmases might help. It would be fun to look at. Thanks for the ideas!

Teacher Terry
11-30-16, 1:44pm
We have had many years that could not be spent with family because of distance. Some years I have invited people in the same boat to join us. Many times I have cooked for 20 people even when working f.t. Recently if we can't be with family we go out to a move and dinner. It is up to every person to make themselves happy or not. I also think your sister was lacking in empathy and was rude but sometimes people say things they didn't intend to.

Tenngal
12-2-16, 9:07am
I know my reason for flipping out.....Mother. I have taken steps to lessen this over the past few years. Unrealistic expectations as far as getting all my family together at the same time........realized it is not happening and just enjoy them when I can see them. Order from Amazon and get gift cards.

ToomuchStuff
12-2-16, 10:30am
For me it is things like:
I am off work, so you should be able to visit, while your at work.
Fake holiday cheer.
People who believe you need to spend money/go into debt for this time of year.
Bad holiday memories (hospital stays, putting pet down, etc).

This year, it is being left out of the discussion between two relatives about their kids, gift exchanges. I tried to do gifts years back, but so many family members causes duplicates/headaches, so I ended up giving money for stuff for another time of year. So what am I to do this year, if the others are not exchanging?

Tybee
12-2-16, 5:18pm
My husband's therapist told an interesting story about a guy in recovery who had gone home to Thanksgiving and been around his family and realized that he was usually pounding down the booze in order just to be there. He realized that he just couldn't take it--hehas a large family and the input was just overwhelming.

My husband's family is difficult for me because they are a very large family and talk constantly all at once, and I can't take it in. I realized that I also feel I am slighting someone if I don't spend equal time talking to each and it's never possible so that stresses me out.

It can be extremely stressful to get together with family. You could be feeling fear about the situation, even not going, as that is a change.

When I feel fear about something I have a tendency to be short tempered and irritable with my husband because he either doesn't get it, or doesn't seem to care, or doesn't realize I am in a heightened snse of fear. So I think I speak shortly with him and that starts a fight.

These might be reasons that you found yourself fighting with your husband. You didn't "ruin" the holiday, as it does take two to fight.

iris lilies
12-2-16, 6:09pm
http://www.simplelivingforum.net/showthread.php?6715-It-keeps-getting-more-complicated&highlight=Holiday+frenzy

I was perusing the "holiday frenzy" phrase in our search box and came across this old post.

OP, darlin' ya gotta step up and commit to change if you want to see a change.

please tell me that you are not still exchanging present want lists with your family and all of that nonsense. Surely you brought that to a close, right?

frugalone
12-4-16, 1:50pm
No, we don't exchange want lists anymore. My nieces and nephews are getting money from me this year. When I look back, that's what I wanted when I was a teen. That, and record albums. :)

I will give my mother a gift, as I always do. She is pretty easy to please when it comes to presents.




http://www.simplelivingforum.net/showthread.php?6715-It-keeps-getting-more-complicated&highlight=Holiday+frenzy

I was perusing the "holiday frenzy" phrase in our search box and came across this old post.

OP, darlin' ya gotta step up and commit to change if you want to see a change.

please tell me that you are not still exchanging present want lists with your family and all of that nonsense. Surely you brought that to a close, right?

iris lilies
12-4-16, 5:27pm
No, we don't exchange want lists anymore. My nieces and nephews are getting money from me this year. When I look back, that's what I wanted when I was a teen. That, and record albums. :)


I will give my mother a gift, as I always do. She is pretty easy to please when it comes to presents.

yay! That right there is progress.

frugalone
12-5-16, 1:01pm
Thanks, iris lilies! I hadn't thought of it as progress, but you're right.
On another note, I stopped exchanging gifts with friends years ago, and I've really cut down on sending holiday cards. I used to write everyone little notes, and even made my own cards, but I don't enjoy doing it anymore.