Sheldon Cooper?

[Ultralight]

As you may have noticed I have not been on much.

This is for a variety of reasons.

But a big one is that my girlfriend broke up with me. Ultimately this is probably for the best. But it still stung rather bad. So I have been laying low, reading, writing in my journal, etc.

She cited several reasons, among them:
-She did not see us living together within 5 years
-I did not fit in with her family
-And... apparently I am "very similar to Sheldon Cooper"

Anyway, my point in bringing this up here, is to crowd-source my question:

How can a person really cultivate a taste for being single over the long term? I think that a simple living perspective could be helpful. Thoughts?

[Zoe Girl]

I don't know totally, but I have been single for 12 years now with a 1 year relationship. The last time I talked to someone about it, my frustration and a bit of loneliness, she sent me a lovely dharma talk about how relationships have issues. I know people who have been single long term and are okay, a lot of times like me they have children from previous relationships. But you seem to have plenty of people to hang out with in your groups, so that is good.

[LDAHL]

In my experience, there are two basic forms of successful single hood.

The misanthropy approach basically accepts the philosophy of "the more I see of people the more I like dogs". They are more comfortable in their own company than in any more complex or messy grouping.

I have also known a very few people with such a great commitment to something larger to themselves that attachments would be a distraction. The Thomas Mertons of the world.

I myself was more inclined to misanthropy, and married fairly late in life only when I met a woman interesting enough to overcome my prejudices. It was more oin the nature of something sneaking up on me than me seeking it out.

[Ultralight]

I have been watching some talks and such on YouTube about the topics of relationships, romance, love, loneliness, etc.

One said: "The people best suited for relationships are those who don't expect much from them."

[Ultralight]

...a lovely dharma talk about how relationships have issues.

Link? PM it to me if you prefer. :)

[ApatheticNoMore]

It really depends on the person, everyone wants a romantic relationship to some degree, but some people have a very strong need for a specifically romantic relationship, others do not.

It may never work for the former and it's probably a waste of time to try in that case, but for people who don't so much, and whose main issue is general loneliness, a bunch of close friends may suffice.

But even then it is very hard for some people (and I am one of them) who are natural introverts and like everyone these days don't have much free time PERIOD AT ALL, to continually be finding and maintaining a bunch of close friends. It's just really in many ways not doable for me. It works well for those few who manage to maintain a bunch of close friends from an earlier period of time I imagine (college or earlier say and people who do this do exist) since friendship in adulthood is just very difficult to find and seems not to last most of the time as there's no real commitment to making it work (there's really often no maturity about it frankly, just get a little bored with the person and goodbye is how many people seem to regard their friends in adulthood - which I suppose is manageable by extroverts since they are always meeting new people but ...).

You know you like that girl in your class :P Of course she could be taken and if she's significantly younger it's also possible she wants very different things (the 2.4 kids etc. - young enough to be dreaming of that).

[LDAHL]

I have been watching some talks and such on YouTube about the topics of relationships, romance, love, loneliness, etc.

One said: "The people best suited for relationships are those who don't expect much from them."

That's a good way to put it. It sounds like your ex was calculating a five year ROI on the relationship, and deciding to redeploy her emotional capital. I don't think that approach works in the long run.

[razz]

Perhaps she was being genuinely honest and open which are good in any relationship.

As for relationships - DH and I were friends first, shared goals and dreams, then became partners in life for 47 years and now I am on my own. It has been a long - 4 year transition - so, UL, give yourself time to work through the change.

I finally understood that I am complete in myself not a half of something. I had to get rid of a lot of mental and emotional baggage from the past prior to meeting my DH and right up to the present and now know that I am just me and just fine. I didn't know what to do with our wedding bands and my engagement ring which he chose. I took them off but felt haunted by them just sitting in my jewelry box. Finally, I was given the name of a jeweller who melted them and some other gold items and created a lovely simple ring with my diamond deep-set in the middle. It is on my ring finger and will stay there. Amazing how comforting that is to me.

I am doing things that give me joy like art, singing in a choir, etc. I have good friends and a loving family but don't lean on them rather love them without judgement about their choices in their journey through life. A social worker friend once told me that the loneliest people in the world are those in a very unhappy relationship.

There is a lot of wisdom in this quote that you shared:
"The people best suited for relationships are those who don't expect much from them." Maybe that is why I get so much joy out of my dog and our walks together. We don't judge each other, just enjoy being together whenever it works out.

[ToomuchStuff]

So she thinks your petulant, lack humility, empathy, social skills and are intolerant of others, while expecting them to hang around to belittle or answer to you?
If you didn't need people around, would you be here?
I think you will have to find the answer on your own, and not rely on others. Isn't that the point?!Splat!

[JaneV2.0]

It might be difficult to find a partner who wouldn't mind you calculating the cost of every outing as a tedious prelude to sex. And I say that as someone who has happily paid her own way for decades.

I like that quote too. I've never expected much from relationships, and I've not been disappointed. :)

[ApatheticNoMore]

It depends on what not expecting much is, I didn't expect love at first sight, or to be instantly certain someone is the one, I didn't expect to fall in or be overwhelmed by love. Those are for people with very different personalities I've come to see. Certainly not everyone is capable of that and that is .. if anyone is capable of that at least in any healthy non-self-destructive way (but I suspect some people are, but again their personalities are very different).

I expect to learn to love mostly and to treat well and we did have enough in common (a lot in common really) to give it an initial push. Yes I am in a relationship, and I love him more all the time. I certainly never expected a relationship to solve all problems, sure one can angle for it to solve some problems (by say marrying a rich guy (or girl!) - ka-ching money problems solved, but that's so cynical). For most people in reality some life problems remain. And heck you may even have the same problems/issues! Then it's doubling down! :) (probably works better if it's not the EXACT same personality problem - but both might have debt for example). But still relationships are good.

[creaker]

I got divorced in 2009 - but it was after a dysfunctional relationship (no ping against my ex - she's worked through a lot of hard issues and is doing well) which lasted 25 years due to kids, one of them profoundly autistic. It never felt like it became a "shared" relationship, so in a number of respects I was "single" (it can be very lonely being with someone) through much of it.

I've dated a little since (not much) - mostly I've just enjoyed the quiet :-) I think it involves (requires?) enjoying your own company. I have autonomy that I haven't had through most of my adult life and I really like it - enough so that while a romantic relationship sounds nice, I'm hesitant to give any of it up yet.

Added: there is a big difference between being single - and being alone.

[Kestra]

I think the best part of being single is doing whatever you want however you want. You have so many more options of moving, type of house, amount of money to spend, how to spend your time, etc. Just focus on the good things. But of course it's hard when the break-up is new.

[LDAHL]

I like that quote too. I've never expected much from relationships, and I've not been disappointed. :)

I've never expected much from relationships, and I've been astonished at my undeserved good luck. Maybe it's like a good golf swing: it doesn't pay to think about it too hard.

[Miss Cellane]

Could just be my take on it, but a "Sheldon Cooper" to me is someone who thinks of him/her self first, last and always. Someone who can't understand why what is important to them isn't important to everyone else. Someone who expects others to give, and who takes freely, while not giving to others.

UA, you post interesting and insightful posts here, even if I don't always agree with you. So I have no idea if this description fits you at all.

But it might be worth looking into a little--do character traits that you see as minor appear as major to other people?

It is also possible that your focus on money and financial independence comes across as miserly to others, even when that is not your intent. But I'll admit that a boyfriend who was continually focused on the financial aspects of everything we did together would soon start to bug me. And I'm a pretty frugal person. I just don't like to talk about it very much. And I'd wonder why said boyfriend harped on it so often.

I realize this may sound a bit harsh, and I don't mean it to be. But I can see how someone focused on saving money could be seen as ungenerous, and that would be off-putting to many.

As for being single, I've been single much more than I've been in a relationship. I prefer being able to do what I want, when I want, without always having to consider other people. I suspect part of this comes from being one of a large family, where I pretty much couldn't do anything without having to check in or consider other people's needs, wants, and schedules.

Alone, as other posters have mentioned, doesn't mean being lonely. You can be lonely in a crowd of people. Being by yourself means that you get to be selfish when you want to be--you live where you want, you do what you want when you want to do it.

The only times I've ever even thought of being in a relationship were when things were rough. I was sick and had to trek to the pharmacy by myself. Or had to move and do all the packing by myself. So, yeah, there have been a few times it would have been nice to have someone to share the pains with. But I suspect that people in relationships sometimes have the opposite wish--that they could just do what they want right now!

I find it helps to have goals, even small ones. This year, I handmade all birthday presents, for example. This allowed me to be creative, learn new crochet techniques, and filled up some time. (It was not frugal; good yarn is not cheap.) And it was fun.

Another goal was learning more about WWII. My generation didn't get taught much about WWII in school. It was mentioned, but not discussed in depth. So every month, I checked out one book from the library, to get a different perspective.

My dad once spent a year visiting all the covered bridges in our state and a neighboring state.

I don't make New Year's resolutions. I set 3 or 4 fun goals for the year. Next year might be the year I start geocaching. Or do some gravestone rubbings in the old cemetery in town (there are graves from before the Revolutionary War). Or finally learn how to make a decent piecrust.

When you are busy, you don't have time to feel lonely.

[Ultralight]

You know you like that girl in your class :P Of course she could be taken and if she's significantly younger it's also possible she wants very different things (the 2.4 kids etc. - young enough to be dreaming of that). Uh... I don't think I like here that way. And she is like 13 years younger than me, which is not what I am into. I prefer women to be 35-55. Don't get me wrong -- great gal, bright, funny, irreverent, a cyclist, a reader, a rescue dog enthusiast, a lefty, and so on. But she is rather young and I am rather old.

[Ultralight]

Perhaps she was being genuinely honest and open which are good in any relationship.

As for relationships - DH and I were friends first, shared goals and dreams, then became partners in life for 47 years and now I am on my own. It has been a long - 4 year transition - so, UL, give yourself time to work through the change.

I finally understood that I am complete in myself not a half of something. I had to get rid of a lot of mental and emotional baggage from the past prior to meeting my DH and right up to the present and now know that I am just me and just fine. I didn't know what to do with our wedding bands and my engagement ring which he chose. I took them off but felt haunted by them just sitting in my jewelry box. Finally, I was given the name of a jeweller who melted them and some other gold items and created a lovely simple ring with my diamond deep-set in the middle. It is on my ring finger and will stay there. Amazing how comforting that is to me.

I am doing things that give me joy like art, singing in a choir, etc. I have good friends and a loving family but don't lean on them rather love them without judgement about their choices in their journey through life. A social worker friend once told me that the loneliest people in the world are those in a very unhappy relationship.

There is a lot of wisdom in this quote that you shared:
"The people best suited for relationships are those who don't expect much from them." Maybe that is why I get so much joy out of my dog and our walks together. We don't judge each other, just enjoy being together whenever it works out. I do intend to give myself time. I appreciate the affirmation of that choice. :) Also: I say something similar about dogs. I don't expect much from my dog -- no fancy tricks, no complex commands, just the very basics of manners and good behavior. But... when I say to people: "I am trying to think of you people more like dogs, and not expect much from you" these folks get ticked off!

[Ultralight]

I've never expected much from relationships, and I've been astonished at my undeserved good luck. I have noticed this type of gratitude as a trend in your outlook. I think it might be because you are a hardy and resilient person naturally. :)

[razz]

I do intend to give myself time. I appreciate the affirmation of that choice. :) Also: I say something similar about dogs. I don't expect much from my dog -- no fancy tricks, no complex commands, just the very basics of manners and good behavior. But... when I say to people: "I am trying to think of you people more like dogs, and not expect much from you" these folks get ticked off!

That's the difference between you and me then. ;) I simply give people the freedom from any expectations but don't say a word about doing so.

[Zoe Girl]

Hey UA, I have never been good at attaching links, so the dharma talk is by Matthew Brensilver, called Love, Relationship, Sexuality and Dharma. He is a good teacher in the Dharma Punx tradition.

[Lainey]

I like all the thoughts expressed here so far: Making goals for yourself; getting involved in activities you like; being with friends; etc.

I'd also say don't close off your heart because of a negative relationship experience. I think it's easier to go through life with a partner, as long as it's the right partner. and I'm saying this as someone who has been long divorced but finding myself in a serious relationship this year that's going to be a live-in relationship next year. It is a guy friend from my high school days who looked me up (we never dated in h.s.) and a year later here we are, I think to the surprise of both of us.

One other thing: I think our culture is saturated with drama-filled romance - our music, movies, advertising, etc. - so that adults start to think that if their life doesn't look like that then something is wrong with them. If you can be content in life on your own, that is a big thing. But if you feel like others look at you as incomplete just because you don't have a partner then don't give in to feeling judged. Do your own thing and be happy.

[iris lilies]

OP, do not get back together with this gf. When she wants to give it snother go, please decline. This is her pattern and she isnt doing you any favors.

[Aqua Blue]

Sheldon found Amy...I think you just haven't found the "right" person. Move on and keep looking.:cool:

[freshstart]

Late to the party so don't have anything new to add except being single vs being in the wrong relationship is a win.

[Chicken lady]

Lol about the dogs. I can't speak to your dating issues, other than to say perhaps you should start out by determining what you want and what your deal breakers are and then avoid getting into any more relationships with women who, say, have a lot of stuff...

but it the dog thing, I found a quote once about how "dogs are like children. Your own are always wonderful and other people's are nice if they are clean and well trained". And people get pissed off at me because I tend to turn it around (children are like dogs....) and I actually love children, I just think we do them a disservice if we don't teach them how to be socially acceptable.

ed to add, because I say stuff like that (among other things) I have had a couple of people suggest I may be on the autism spectrum. I believe Sheldon is on the spectrum, and those traits can make relationships more difficult. Do you think that might apply to you?

[Chicken lady]

Aspergers has been officially fazed out as a diagnosis, it's now all just "autism spectrum". I have a significant but mild concentration of characteristics - enough to get me referred for further testing if I were a kid, but they don't actually diagnose adults at the "aspergers" end of the spectrum. In part because by the time you are an adult, you have pretty much learned coping strategies on your own or gotten diagnosed.

there are a lot of good first person books written about growing up aspie.

but again, I think more important is knowing what you want and what your deal breakers are and spending time in places (like your atheist group and with other minimalists) where you optimize your chances of meeting compatible people.

[herbgeek]

My husband I think would be diagnosed now as austism spectrum, but he got along enough as a youth. Even though we've been married in excess of 30 years, he still takes everything I say as literal, even after having been exposed to my humor/sarcasm/knowing I rarely mean anything literally. He just can't help it. Anything that it said to him, by me or others, is parsed literally.

[Tenngal]

Very similair to Sheldon Cooper? I think I can identify with being socially inept......but are you really? Or do you just like keeping you circle small? My husband is a social creature married to an introvert. I find myself dreading outings or parties with large groups. Then I have a good time once there. I don't see anything wrong with being single. You live like you want, go where you want to go. And be with other people for companionship when you can find others with similair tastes.