View Full Version : Am I out of it?
frugal-one
12-30-16, 3:59pm
I am going to be a grandparent soon and am told they plan on sleeping with the infant. I said to the mom... is there enough room for you, dog, DH and infant in bed? Plus you (mom)are a deep, heavy sleeper? Did not go over well. I think this is very dangerous. Also, told they will be laying down with the child when it takes a nap later when it gets a bed(?). I stated why start that routine ... then you are stuck with it? Did not go over well. I am thinking maybe it will be a good thing I won't be around to babysit often.
I think it's better to have the child sleep in their own place, next to your bed, if you want them close. Too many accidents with newborns in the bed. I didn't take a nap with them until my kids were older.......like 5,7. It was just a nice thing to do and gave me a little nap too. They were both in the same room, so every day I would switch who I napped with. But I don't think it's safe to sleep with a very young infant. I know people have done it forever, but it is a risk.
catherine
12-30-16, 4:09pm
I became a grandparent 2-1/2 years ago, and I made up my mind at the outset that I would keep my mouth shut, which wasn't always easy. She chose the baby's birthday by inducing labor--something I would never do (plus, the move was a tad personal because she induced 5 days before her due date, which was, coincidentally, my birthday).
She is a clean/germ freak, which of course is much better than being a slob of a parent, but she overuses antibacterial soaps and sanitizers--GS always has a runny nose, which I can't help but suspect is related to the hygiene hypothesis.
But, I had my chance to make parenting choices with no interference from others, and I respect her right to do the same.
As for the sleeping thing--I admit that it seems potentially dangerous, but I was a "family bed" parent and my kids survived. I'm sure your kids will work it out, especially when they learn that being a parent IRL is nothing like you think it's going to be.
Congratulations!!
I think we in the U.S. can be a bit too cautious with many things. But I was just never willing to take those chances with my kids. The majority of infants who sleep with their parents survive........but it would be hell if you were the parents of the 1 or 2 that didn't.
You will find that their peers will have a lot of advice and experience to share of being a parent today. When they make choices, quietly remind them that they are caring parents who doing the best for their little one and leave it going onto another topic.
If you judge and comment even from the best motives, you will be left out of free communication and miss out on a lot of the joy of being a grandparent.
Unless they specifically ASK for your advice, its best to not say anything, if you want to avoid future family wars. We have this going on in my extended family now- the parents (my nephew and his wife) are quite alternative, and my sister and mother keep weighing in with their own judgements and it isn't going over well. We see less and less of that family as time goes on.
We did the "family bed" thing with our daughter, it worked well and had some advantages.
Most of the friends/relatives who offered negative opinions clearly had some burden of their own they were working through.
iris lilies
12-30-16, 6:39pm
We did the "family bed" thing with our daughter, it worked well and had some advantages.
Most of the friends/relatives who offered negative opinions clearly had some burden of their own they were working through.
Well, there are the SIDS studies, but perhaps those have been discounted by now.
i know that with bulldog puppies when cosleeping is the norm, puppies are regularly smothered by the mother dog, unintentionally I presume.
OP, I think razz' point is good, that peers of the soon to be parents will provide plenty of counterpoint to any ideas, you dont need to take on that role.
Teacher Terry
12-30-16, 8:40pm
The recent studies show that this is dangerous. Finland used to be a country where this went on a lot. Then the government started giving birthing boxes to parents and the big box was for the baby to sleep in and was full of clothes, etc. It has a different name for the box but I can't remember what it is but it is intended for the baby to sleep in. As people started to use these for cribs the death rate went way down. However, it is best to keep your mouth shut because they will just resent you.
Well, I would rather be resented than not say anything and something happened to the baby.
iris lilies
12-30-16, 10:41pm
Well, I would rather be resented than not say anything and something happened to the baby.
Only if you are confident that the parents have no idea, none at all, of the downsides of whatever issue they propose does that make sense.
Babies die in cribs too....just saying
In the realm of all the danger that can and do come to little ones, I don't see co-sleeping as being on the top of the list. And congrats on the upcoming grand babe. Being a grandparent allows us to grow in many unforeseen ways.
I slept with all my infants. The crib was basically for naps. I was never comfortable having a separate room for a baby. I also was given negative feedback for sleeping with my infants. Don't really have an answer for you. I felt it was right for us. People also didn't approve of my home births. What can you say?
frugal-one
12-31-16, 1:51am
Good input!! I recently commented to them that they should listen to what advice people offer them and then do their own thing. Sometimes others have a viewpoint not thought about. I try to keep my mouth shut as much as possible but the sleeping with the baby is frightening! Thankfully a friend of theirs just gave them a box for the baby that attaches to their bed... don't remember what it is called either. So perhaps their peers will take care of the situation ... as was mentioned here.
BTW there was an article in our paper recently about a mother who slept with her babies. The second infant just died when in her bed and she is going to be prosecuted!
Only if you are confident that the parents have no idea, none at all, of the downsides of whatever issue they propose does that make sense.
Uh.........guess what? There are people like that out there. I know there are lots of grandparents/parents out there who never say anything to their children when they see something with possible bad outcomes, but I am not one of those.
catherine
12-31-16, 8:26am
Well, I would rather be resented than not say anything and something happened to the baby.
Chances are if they resent your advice, they won't follow it.
Chances are if they resent your advice, they won't follow it.
Yeah, but then I can have the pleasure of saying "I told you so!" when their child dies. (Just a little black humor!!)
I'm finding with my own children that they might not like what I say, but many times, they eventually say "hey mom.......you were right and now I appreciate it!"
iris lilies
12-31-16, 10:56am
Yeah, but then I can have the pleasure of saying "I told you so!" when their child dies. (Just a little black humor!!)
I'm finding with my own children that they might not like what I say, but many times, they eventually say "hey mom.......you were right and now I appreciate it!"
Whether peer or child, I might in this situation say "are you aware of the studies about SIDS and infant death in cosleeping?" And then drop it. i would NOT say things like "I think it's best when babies have their own beds" because that is largely a value judgement or "why start that routine?..then you are stuck with it" because that's another value judgement, and projecting far into the future.
As a grandma - my goal is to offer help and information when it is requested, and otherwise say nothing. It's a challenge ... but it's the best way.
Teacher Terry
12-31-16, 1:38pm
YOu can put a baby in your room in it's own crib so you don't have to put it in another room. My good friend's daughter has shared a bed with her babies even though both her mother and I tried to talk her out of it. Many people won't listen. I did hear about the woman being prosecuted for the 2nd death and she should be. Why you would do it again after losing one child is beyond me.
early morning
12-31-16, 1:51pm
Well, I had a friend who's daughter smothered her baby while co-sleeping, so I'm biased. The mother ended up being charged, but was not prosecuted. However, her own guilt drove her to drugs, she died of an overdose, and my friend committed suicide. Anecdotal, I know, but it seems a really stupid risk to take. Sure, babies can die in a crib, but at least it isn't their mother who killed them!
frugal-one
12-31-16, 2:20pm
Whether peer or child, I might in this situation say "are you aware of the studies about SIDS and infant death in cosleeping?" And then drop it. i would NOT say things like "I think it's best when babies have their own beds" because that is largely a value judgement or "why start that routine?..then you are stuck with it" because that's another value judgement, and projecting far into the future.
Wonder if you are a mother?
catherine
12-31-16, 2:28pm
Wonder if you are a mother?
I'm a mother four times over, and I agree with IL, that a statement of facts might be more effective than a mother's opinion. I never remember my mother telling me what was best for my child. Even my very opinionated MIL never offered her advice unless I asked for it.
I co-slept with my babies, and both survived. Once they no longer needed to be nursed several times in the night, I moved them to a carry cot near my bed. I found that I woke every time their breathing rhythm changed, even when they were sleeping across the room from me.
Teacher Terry
12-31-16, 3:21pm
EM: that is such a sad story about your friend and her daughter/grandchild. Co-sleeping is just not worth the risk.
early morning
12-31-16, 3:40pm
Co-sleeping is just not worth the risk My sentiments, exactly. Every day we make choices/take risks, I understand that. But I hate to see risks taken with the lives of others, especially with children, who can't make informed choices...
OP, a lot of new parents go with something like this, I know my son and his wife did:
https://www.amazon.com/Arms-Reach-Concepts-Bedside-Bassinet/dp/B01ITQOV0Q/ref=sr_1_6_s_it?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1483219711&sr=1-6&keywords=co+sleeper
it's a cosleeping bassinette that adjoins your bed so the baby is in its own bassinette but within arm's reach--the side by the bed lets down.
It seemed like a good compromise for them.
Yeah, but then I can have the pleasure of saying "I told you so!" when their child dies. (Just a little black humor!!)
My twin granddaughters died last year (nothing to do with co-sleeping) and I can assure you there was no humor in it.
My twin granddaughters died last year (nothing to do with co-sleeping) and I can assure you there was no humor in it.
I was being facetious. OF COURSE there's no humor in it. And I'm very sorry for your loss.
Teacher Terry
1-1-17, 6:21pm
Reyes: I am so sorry to hear that. Losing a child/children is the worst thing that can happen.
Reyes, I am so sorry. I have twin sons, and the loss of your twin granddaughters is such a terrible tragedy.
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