vent about the hoard

[freshstart]

my dad is in the hospital and is likely going for 20 days of inpatient rehab upon discharge. My mother, who has an end stage disease, is very dependent on him. She's acting out in ways that are making me crazy. She lives on this certain brand and only 2 flavors of a hard to find yogurt. Friday I could not find any anywhere so I ordered 2 cases. She is hysterical that the yogurt isn't in yet even though they said it would be Weds with the holiday. So she says she's just not going to eat, like a 3 yr old would say. I am bending over backwards to make sure she eats but all the hours I am at the hospital, where I am needed, she doesn't eat. She's perfectly capable of getting say a bowl of cereal. UGH!

so she is stressed so the hoard is invading my territory and it's making me nuts. At Christmas, she had the cleaning lady bring up box after box of ancient decorations that she then never looked at and decided to store all the boxes in my DD's room. Now I had just sold her desk to make room to finally bring up the treadmill, which my cardiologist has been urging me to do for a year. The cleaning lady's DH was going to bring it up for me on Weds and I was going to drag the Christmas boxes out to the LR, let my mother see her hoarding, not hide it in a room she can't even get to. My mother has been against me bringing up the treadmill because it will make the room "ugly", even though it's one you can fold up when not in use.

With my dad going to rehab, last night we had to check his closet for sweatpants. She ended up having me remove every article of clothing and put it on the floor. His clothes are so old that he has the sweatshirt from when we toured my alma mater, I am now 46. He has every size from M to XXL. I called him and he said get rid of anything not in style and keep just the 2 largest sizes. My mom feels he should look at every piece and we not do anything until after he gets home from rehab. I told her if she refused to let me bag up at least the M and L sized clothes, I would not be helping with this closet. He hasn't been in those sizes for 2 decades. Nope, she would not agree. So today she has the cleaning lady come over, box up all the clothes and add them to her mess in DD's room. Now you can't even walk in there. I am so angry and can't believe she is picking now of all times to tackle this stupid closet. We never did find sweatpants, lol. I know she is old and sick but she knows exactly what she is doing with the hoarding issue. She knows how badly I wanted that treadmill upstairs. I don't know what I am going to do exactly but this is not staying like this for the 20 days my dad will be in rehab. I am DONE. Hoarding sucks. Sorry that was so long.

[freshstart]

the worst part is I don't even know that she is dying, the cardiologist said she outlived his expectations and she could have years left. He told her she had to get moving or she'd end up in a nursing home, though. So I feel mean getting mad about the hoard or the childish refusal to eat, she could die tomorrow or it could go on like this for several years. And she plays the "I'm dying" card, which I hate and is also childish. When I couldn't get her yogurt anywhere, she played the dying card, that really ticks me off. We need family therapy. It sucks getting therapy and learning new ways to act and cope when no one around you is changing at all, it feels impossible to change 5 decades of family dynamics.

[Chicken lady]

"I am going to take the clothes to the hospital with me and get rid of anything dad doesn't want." Since dad doesn't want medium or large, get rid of them. The over careful of triggering/lying/betraying trust hoarder gives you permission to do this.

also, I think it is ok to move the boxes into the living room and get your treadmill. Do not fold it up, because she will block it so you can't unfold it. Her health is clearly better than everyone believed, and she doesn't get to sacrifice yours. Talk to your therapist about it if it helps, but you can only change yourself.

[mschrisgo2]

I heartily agree! Move the boxes into the living room, get your treadmill upstairs and into that room, and NEVER close it! Use it, enjoy it, increase your own health.

I'd also second bagging up all the M and L clothes so you can easily drop them at a donation place on your way to the hospital. Then, if the rest isn't too overwhelming, go through it with your dad, and drop off anything he decides he doesn't want on your way home. DONE.

That clears a closet. Maybe your mother can have the decorations stacked in the closet. Though, personally, I'd also be real tempted to accidentally spill a pitcher of water over a lot of it, forcing some instant purging. Actually, if it really is ancient and hasn't seen the light of day in a long time, chances are much of it is disintegrating and is ready for the trash anyway.

[Just went through that with my mother this past week. Of her 47 cartons of Christmas decorations, there were 3 that she said she hadn't opened "since we lived in San Francisco." We left there in 1966. "Oh, Mom, I want to see!" childish enthusiasm spilling over as I opened and dumped 3 boxes all over the table. Turns out, plastic from the early 60's decomposed quite well. There was nothing that was even recognizable, much less worth keeping. Clean sweep, right into the trash bin. Amazingly, mom was relieved, saying, "well, thank you. I just didn't want to do that all by myself!"]

[Tammy]

If she doesn't want to eat, so what. Don't even address it with her. That's her choice and frankly she's lying to you. She'll eat when she's hungry.

She has a great big personality disorder - although I'm not supposed to diagnose. 😄

[iris lilies]

If she doesn't want to eat, so what. Don't even address it with her. That's her choice and frankly she's lying to you. She'll eat when she's hungry.

She has a great big personality disorder - although I'm not supposed to diagnose. 

+1

[Zoe Girl]

I totally feel for you, and it reminds me of when I realized that my ex had more control and capability than I thought. It was a major awakening that I didn't turn back from. It seems she is more capable than you thought, and I wouldn't feel bad for acting like she was going to pass any day but now it is time for a change.

[razz]

If she doesn't want to eat, so what. Don't even address it with her. That's her choice and frankly she's lying to you. She'll eat when she's hungry.

She has a great big personality disorder - although I'm not supposed to diagnose. ��
+2

[freshstart]

thanks all of you for just hearing me out. I agree she has a personality disorder, I already know she has OCD with a hoarding component. The OCD meds are not helping at all. I feel bad for her and I love her but she is making my life more difficult and I've just reached the end of my rope. I will try your suggestions. I can't bring the clothes to the hospital because of my POT's syndrome, I can't walk that far carrying a bunch of stuff (it's a big hospital). But I'll try something else, I like the 10 of each item idea. She's out at the doctor, I might undecorated and take all of the Christmas stuff back down to the basement. Although, I'd prefer to purge it. We'll see.

[Float On]

She really reminds me of my grandmother. Such a fight about every single item when we had to move them from a 3 bedroom with full basement into a tiny 1 bedroom Sr assisted living apartment. She seemed happy that they only had space for two recliners the rest of the living room was boxes floor to ceiling. She had her stuff. We were all thankful that she passed first. Grandpa was keen to get rid of the boxes and have space (and quiet) the last few years. He didn't even care what was in the boxes.
I'm sorry. I know this completely stresses you out. I know it would me. I have no answers.

[Teacher Terry]

I am so very sorry. This is terrible. If you can physically manage it I would take your Dad's clothes to a thrift store. They will come out to the car and get it for you.

[19Sandy]

I wouldn't worry about donating but just rip the stuff to shreds and put it in the trash. If she wants to have a hissy fit, then give her something to really rant about. Don't order special food unless her physician demands it for her health. She knows she is controlling everyone and is enjoying it. Wait until she is asleep and toss the stuff or get someone to help you and stop putting up with it.

[freshstart]

I just found out my aunt is coming tomorrow, she de-hoards my mom's room every time she visits, I don't know how she stands it. So if she stays a few days, I may be able to get her on board with getting rid of the clothes and maybe even the old decorations. She is good at persuading my mother to do things. The cleaning lady comes tomorrow, too and she works well with my aunt and my mom. I wish I could work well with my mother but I don't see that changing.

[Chicken lady]

If you go look at my suggestion again, I said nothing about actually running the stuff by your dad who is sick and doesn't need to deal with this. He already said to get rid of medium and large - so, load it in the car, take it to the hospital (leave it in the car) and get rid of the stuff he doesn't want (medium and large) on the way home.

you did what you said you were going to do, she can assume your dad looked at the stuff, it's his stuff and you had his permission to get rid of it, the stuff is gone,, and everybody is happy.

[ToomuchStuff]

Have a inlaw whose family had a fire in their "Christmas" hoarding closet, when the left the lights on and kept putting stuff in it. Too bad someone doesn't make a product that smells like smoke from a fire, as I think the shock is sometimes needed.
So she only eats these two types of yogurt and nothing else? If so then there is a problem, that maybe you should mention feeding tube. (another liquid diet) If not, let her go hungry until she decides to eat. (she isn't a child or helpless if she is stopping you from getting rid of stuff). You could also remind her that life ends in death for everybody, you, her husband, her grandkids, etc. Sounds hard, but sometimes people need shock value to get the point.

[freshstart]

She eats a few other things, like grazes on dry cereal and will take a few bites if a meal is placed in front of her. When my aunt was here, she would say, "Are you hungry?" "Yes" "well, come on out to the kitchen and fix yourself something" and damned if she didn't do it. She got dressed every day my aunt was here and dehoarded her room (again) and worked on dealing with mail and bills that need immediate attention. I was shocked. So now I'm totally backing off on the food thing, if I have something prepared, I encourage her to come out and eat it. I will continue to get her groceries and special order her yogurt but I won't worry about her ability to handle her own food.

the Christmas stuff is down but just shoved in DD's room, I need to organize what we used this year into one or two boxes and then either try to get my mom to purge the rest or just have the cleaning lady take it to my mother's hoarded area of the basement. I am thrilled to be able to fit the decorations for the teeny tree, the manger and the mantle and the wreath possibly in one organized box. Christmas set up takes less than 30 mins that way. Since both kids are atheists, I am considering getting rid of the big tree for good, let another family enjoy it.

got my mother to go through my dad's clothes. We worked very quickly and she didn't like that. We agreed we do not work on this stuff well together so she finished it her way. I'd say she plans to get rid of half the clothes which is huge.

the next issue is the treadmill. My dad's insurance refused him inpatient rehab so he will have short term PT/OT at home. He will need to use the treadmill. My mother is still mad about bringing it up. It just didn't make sense since there is no way my dad will be going down to the basement to use it. Turns out the whole thing hinges on she wants him to move his desk upstairs instead, which is fine but with his laptop, he doesn't really need to access his office that often. And he is adamant that he is not giving up on his basement office for good. So I told her I could sell one of my DD's dressers and there would be room for both the treadmill and a small desk. At least she did not scream and shriek and we had a tense but adult-ish conversation about it.

I've decided I am no longer treating her with kid gloves as if she is dying. I was only encouraging bad habits, like staying in bed all day and night and letting her be waited on hand and foot. the cardiologist said get moving or a nursing home (which we can't afford) is in her future. I am going to encourage the moving around by not doing every little thing for her and offer to do her exercises with her.

a glimmer of light at the end of a very long tunnel......

[razz]

Sounds like progress for all of you is taking place. Good to hear!