do people listen!

[Zoe Girl]

I feel like there are people in my life/work who are doing this passive dance that is putting me in the position of having to call things out. I am in the process of figuring out if we are totally at that point, mostly because when I get to that point I am NOT nice generally. But anything short of calling it out seems to be not getting my point across. Then generally people are shocked, and I want to scream (like the other post I just read) that I shouldn't have to say it this many times. I have a generally calm demeanor and have worked on assertive language techniques like not apologizing or using vague terms, but I am still an introvert. Being really loud comes across harsh because it is not natural for me,

Some of the ways this is showing up
* talked over/interrupted in meetings in our large group at work. (when I am not leading anything)
* having a staff who is NOT getting it, I am more concerned about his basic work skills than his lack of experience with children,
* a person who keeps on asking to come lead at our meditation group, and for 1 1/2 years I have been responding that he needs to come visit with one of us leading a few times before we will put him on the schedule, it comes up every few months and he wants to meet and talk again about leading and he STILL has not attended once
* a camp crew (the days off school we run full day camps) that I do not work with often but need to be micromanaged it seems. Telling them things directly is not enough apparently
* on my New Years retreat one guy came and tried to call us out for not building community and being friendly when he only did 3 hours of a silent retreat, even after we explained that it was SILENT retreat with only talking during discussion he just kept going saying we should be doing things like advanced Tibetan tonglen practice because he googled it the night before, (I think this one is officially mansplaining)

For staff we will re-boot some aspects of working together after the break, and I am doing a mid-year review on everyone. My staff who is not getting it may understand better when it is on a written review. I am not sure what to do with the meditation guy at this point, I have reviewed my communication and it is direct. Maybe just tell him I am not scheduling any time to talk until he visits, or have another facilitator talk to him and tell him the same thing

I also know this is a pattern with my mother, the worst was when she didn't believe in peanut allergies. It came to a head when my daughter was 15. We had a huge argument and I told her that E was not visiting her over the summer because she was unsafe in my mother's care. We knew E was allergic to peanuts before she was 2, so that was a dozen years of her simply not listening.

[razz]

Some of this may be resolved by having a small team to deal with the uncooperative, such as the meditation person.

Drawing the line in the sand is hard.
How do most people learn? Sometimes, a firm unemotional but loud "No" works especially if repeated, rinse and repeat as needed. As long as you keep explaining, the boundary to them is vague. They have learned that if one keeps pestering, one will eventually get what one wants. With my kids, no meant no and still does. When they were young and their friends tried to test one of my rules when they were at my house, my kids were firm and said, "in our house, 'no means no'".

I have one acquaintance living nearby who kept inviting me for coffee to be neighbourly, she said. She has asked in public settings trying to manipulate the issue. I kept saying no for about 4 years no matter whether the request was by mouth, phone or email. Towards the end, I simply didn't respond to any other than face to face contact. I recently had the chance to confirm my need for privacy with her DH standing by. I simply say hi to neighbours and discuss the weather, etc., as I walk by. There are a few with whom I have developed longer more personal contact but it is always my choice of who that will be.

Setting boundaries is really hard. Keeping it unemotional is harder still. Can you develop an almost clinical detached approach instead? It these individuals trigger an emotional response from you, they have won control.

[Zoe Girl]

My kids also learned to no pester when they were growing up. I have stuck by my 3 times rule forever, you ask 3 times and then if you ask again there is a consequence. My kids friends also had an issue learning that, so my kids would tell them to stop when I started to get 'the look'. I use it at work with the kids as well. It is much better than my dad who would mumble something, never repeat it and you had to follow what he said. You had to really LISTEN with him.

I just really hate being the broken record person, geez, how many times do I need to say the same thing without yelling 'are you paying any attention!' but in professional circles that really doesn't work huh. The meditation guy is in our circle of affiliated groups so I am trying to use my best manners, but really. I am going to talk to the group and see if anyone wants to make the back up call.

[ToomuchStuff]

People hear what they want to hear. I asked if a product was on display, while presenting the product to the salesman the other day, and received a dumbfounded look, and then when the hamster got up to speed, the guy asked me if I was asking him the same question I just asked back.
Other recent discussions with family, involved the name of a store that I believe is closing, with its name and location, of which they asked if I meant another store that isn't in the same location (or type of store), and one where I talked about a music group and a sibling asked me if I meant another named music group that isn't spelled the same, and barely might be in the same genre.
There are days I want to shove a spike in peoples ears, because it appears they don't use them.