liking the wrong guy?

[Zoe Girl]

I went to my meditation last night. It was better than I expected and I am not in that funky place so much. The person I had an issue with shared that she is dealing with depression so that is probably why I have not heard from her. I got to be a little more honest than usual and it felt good.

So there is this guy who I look forward to seeing. He has been off and on for several years but really consistent the last year. He admits he screwed things up in his life and is working hard. One of the things he has shared is some serious loneliness as he is focusing on his meditation practice and living well. I think he surprises people because he really knows his stuff and also looks rough around the edges. I have talked to him a lot, he is not someone who needs to be rescued or taken care of, just dealing with the same crap as the rest of us (with some larger screw ups than some of us, but not unusual in our group). And I think I am attracted to him, which is even hard to admit, like I have admitted to no one at this point.

So I am going to just invite him to coffee, we have talked about it with the topic of loneliness. Not sure about this, but also life is too short.

[herbgeek]

Why do you think he is the wrong guy?

[Zoe Girl]

Just because he has gotten himself into trouble legally a fair number of times.

[Tybee]

Just because he has gotten himself into trouble legally a fair number of times.
I guess you have to look at why, and see whether the behaviors are something you can live with. Personally, I can deal with folks arrested for political demonstrations or tax evasion or maybe insider trading; I would not want to deal with drugs/alcohol, sex crimes, etc. Your parameters are your own.

[Ultralight]

Legal problems are a major red flag.

[ApatheticNoMore]

It turns out I could deal with a lot of things (yea I do mean some legal issues), and it is risk, but risk is getting up in the morning I guess.

Or I live with more risk than I would think on paper I could accept, because love yea (which makes me sound ditzy and like 14 - but not exactly, just given up on checking the check boxes of what one should avoid or not versus my actual experience, but it is risk).

However, I would draw the line at violence (violent crimes), ie don't get involved with a violent person, that's not worth it. It might be relevant to see how recent the crimes were, last year still at it, not so good. Two decades ago in some stupidity of youth (not an excuse for the behavior of course, but people do change) then ... less indicative of the present. Though still I'd draw the line at violence.

[razz]

OK, maybe I am missing something here. Is he the wrong guy because you have longterm expectations of romance or would he be dangerous to have coffee with?
What is wrong with simply being friends if that is a safe thing to do?
That said, if your intuition is telling you 'no' and the red flags are waving vigorously, then define boundaries for yourself and carry on.
Are you over-thinking this?

[Ultralight]

Last night I had to tell a fairly decent prospect to buzz off because she is a drunk driver (and very cavalier about it too). Too much risk for me to assume!

[ToomuchStuff]

I had a gal I liked, and she wouldn't even notice me, as she caught that bad guy syndrome that so many women seem to go through (IMHE). I still see the family of that guy on occasion and his father had issues in his job, because of the actions of his son. When she was dating him, several of us referred to him as stun gun as that was what he used to subdue several members of a family who they killed in a barn. (Kirtland cult killings)
This is a reason why I say emotions are unreasonable. They are not from the head, there is no logic as to why someone is attracted to someone, other then maybe something in our biology that says x's dna might be a good match.

[Ultralight]

I had a gal I liked, and she wouldn't even notice me, as she caught that bad guy syndrome that so many women seem to go through (IMHE). What? Can you explain a little more?

[razz]

What? Can you explain a little more?

They feel compelled to rescue the bad guy and recover him.

I had a teen crush 10,000 years ago ;) on someone who was an alcoholic at age 16 and I thought that he was worth rescuing. I did try a little as he was a lovely human being when sober but so messed up. Daddy had so much money and so much influence in the community. Never completely understood the dynamics in that family. Don't know that alcoholism was fully recognized then.

Fortunately, I never got any further opportunity and I heard that he never got his act together. Really sad thinking about the waste of that individual.

[Ultralight]

A friend told me a long, long time ago: "Just pretend very convincingly to be a 'bad boy' and you'll get plenty of chicks."

I did this and it actually worked like a charm. But I stopped doing this at a certain point (maybe around age 30) because I was tired of pretending to be someone I wasn't so often.

But it does work like a cattle call.

[Tybee]

Zoe, if you are getting a weird feeling about it, that you are "liking the wrong guy" then do you think that might be a warning flag sent up by your unconscious? I think sometimes we have intuitions about people and situations.

[Ultralight]

Dating in our modern era means innumerable red flags.

[iris lilies]

A friend told me a long, long time ago: "Just pretend very convincingly to be a 'bad boy' and you'll get plenty of chicks."

I did this and it actually worked like a charm. But I stopped doing this at a certain point (maybe around age 30) because I was tired of pretending to be someone I wasn't so often.

But it does work like a cattle call.
I don't know that the bad boys are still attractive to us after about age 30 anyway.

Doesn't that bad boy act just backfire? After the have "fixed you" and you just turn out to be a schlub who goes to his job each day, pays his bills, eats his broccoli, you get b-o-r-I-n-g.

[Ultralight]

I don't know that the bad boys are still attractive to us after about age 30 anyway.

Doesn't that bad boy act just backfire? After the have "fixed you" and you just turn out to be a schlub who goes to his job each day, pays his bills, eats his broccoli, you get b-o-r-I-n-g.

Why are bad boys not attractive after age 30?

And yes, as a workin' schlub who pays bills and eat broccoli I can assure you I am boring.

[Chicken lady]

UA, I think the badboy thing would definitely work in your favor at your age - as long as you don't find somebody who's trying to rescue you, you'll scare off the ones who want fatherhood material or providers and interest the ones who are more willing to try anything once - like your extreme challenge hobbies. (And they aren't attractive after 30 because they are a poor gamble financially and as dads.)

back to the original post, go for coffee, gets know him, see how you feel, don't compromise your hard limits. Maybe you learn something that's a deal breaker, get over your crush, and friend zone him - you said you wanted friends. Maybe he does too. Some of the guys I would never gave dated (and/or would have never dated me) became some of the best friends I ever had.

[Ultralight]

UA, I think the badboy thing would definitely work in your favor at your age - as long as you don't find somebody who's trying to rescue you, you'll scare off the ones who want fatherhood material or providers and interest the ones who are more willing to try anything once - like your extreme challenge hobbies. (And they aren't attractive after 30 because they are a poor gamble financially and as dads.) Interesting advice.

[Zoe Girl]

back to the original post, go for coffee, gets know him, see how you feel, don't compromise your hard limits. Maybe you learn something that's a deal breaker, get over your crush, and friend zone him - you said you wanted friends. Maybe he does too. Some of the guys I would never gave dated (and/or would have never dated me) became some of the best friends I ever had.

I like that plan, not overthinking it. I think there are issues stemming from addictions. The majority of our meditation group is in some stage of recovery honestly. He has shown a nice long time of stability. I don't like him because of the bad boy thing, mostly I just really like talking to him. The reason I wonder if it is a bad idea is mostly what other people would think. I didn't really see myself as someone who cared about that but I guess I am a little.

[Simplemind]

After 30 they have perfected their craft.

[Yppej]

I am way past 30 and some of the bad boys still appeal to me. Because of their own shortcomings they are nonjudgmental, because of their records their employment options are limited so to compensate they have developed strong people skills and are warm and engaging, and because they have spent time in some rough places including jail they are flexible and don't sweat the small stuff. They are grateful for little things like a car ride somewhere because their assets are limited. But no they will not change - without professional help cannot change in most cases - and someone without their baggage who has or can develop the same personality traits would be ideal, but those baggage-free types are usually married by middle age.

[Ultralight]

I am way past 30 and some of the bad boys still appeal to me. Because of their own shortcomings they are nonjudgmental, because of their records their employment options are limited so to compensate they have developed strong people skills and are warm and engaging, and because they have spent time in some rough places including jail they are flexible and don't sweat the small stuff. They are grateful for little things like a car ride somewhere because their assets are limited. But no they will not change - without professional help cannot change in most cases - and someone without their baggage who has or can develop the same personality traits would be ideal, but those baggage-free types are usually married by middle age.I appreciate you making such an honest statement about your feelings and thoughts on this.

[ToomuchStuff]

I don't think it is all knight(ress) in shining armor syndrome. I had a couple that lived across the street, that the guy went through high school with an older relative. During that time the gal who lived with him (at the time) had broke up, dating and getting pregnant by another guy, who she thought was a bad type. She found out that he was more afraid of her boyfriend, who was his supplier and the bad type she was attracted to, but he kept his deeds hidden from her. From the discussion's I have had with them (he is a neighbor again, after serving), she seemed more after the bad boy type, due to wanting "adventure".

[Zoe Girl]

I am way past 30 and some of the bad boys still appeal to me. Because of their own shortcomings they are nonjudgmental, because of their records their employment options are limited so to compensate they have developed strong people skills and are warm and engaging, and because they have spent time in some rough places including jail they are flexible and don't sweat the small stuff. They are grateful for little things like a car ride somewhere because their assets are limited. But no they will not change - without professional help cannot change in most cases - and someone without their baggage who has or can develop the same personality traits would be ideal, but those baggage-free types are usually married by middle age.

Good points. I know that over the years he has been really nice, and his discussion in our group is always really on topic and thoughtful (deep thoughts are my turn on). He has a counselor and a sponsor. I was sharing with a friend that that I can't relate sometimes to the larger western buddhist community. I am not sure how to explain it, I am just comfortable in a room where everyone is on parole or in recovery. I am not always comfortable in another place, even though we talk about the same things. I also have been on a few dates through the MeetMindful dating site. It is good, it is rough when we talk about our kids and mine are not in college or sports or even meditating! We have rehab and counseling and SO's that have dealt drugs in our family and I use my Buddhist practice to work with that instead of the perfect ayurvedic allergy diet.

We will see, it is only coffee but I usually chicken out.