View Full Version : Hoarding-sensitive people please weigh in
So, I've been really crazy busy this month with no end in sight. I have in-home interviews that are putting some stress on my car. So I told DH that i need to get my car looked at to make sure the oil/filters/tires/etc are all good to go.
He jumps up and is happy to help because he "sits with his thumb up his a$$" every day (his words, not mine).
He's gone for a while and when he comes home he proudly proclaims that not only did he get my car serviced, but he had it cleaned. Not only did he have it cleaned but he gave away a box of Girl Scout cookies I bought on Sunday, a floppy sunhat, and my dress boots that were in the back seat, a full roll of wrapping paper I just bought for GS's birthday.. and who knows what else. It makes me wonder what else he threw out, because frankly, yes, my car was a bit cluttered, but he probably threw out toll receipts, gas receipts, and who knows what else. I freaked out because I have interview materials from the UK that I had in the car and he DIDN'T throw THOSE away, but overall, it was disconcerting. I felt he didn't respect me enough to simply call or text and say, "Hey, I'm cleaning out your car--do you want those boots? That hat? That wrapping paper?"
Am I overreacting? If I'm freaking out about him giving/throwing away my stuff without asking is that a red flag for hoarding?
Believe me, it's not ruining my day. My car needed to be cleaned. But just the idea that the took it upon himself to decide what I needed and what I didn't was upsetting to me.
So, do I give him a kiss for cleaning up my car or a punch in the jaw for throwing out my stuff?
Ultralight
4-11-17, 3:47pm
Divorce.
I do not suggest divorce, but I am not okay with anybody throwing out my stuff period.
I have major issues with clutter and I think it's fair for a partner to request I deal with clutter that gets in their way, but no way would throwing out clothes or other possessions of mine without consulting me be okay.
Well, yes and no. He knows you and what you would answer to the question regarding stuff more than we do. He is the one listening to you and living with you. Think back to what you have talked to him about in regards to stuff and cleaning out and such.
Sometimes I have gotten in cars that the driver says is a "bit cluttered" and they are a mess and sometimes a dirty mess. No idea what yours was like and whether you and your husband have hugely different ideas on cleanliness of cars.
Note: It is almost a safety issue around here to leave nothing (and I mean nothing) in your car if parked anywhere other than in a secure garage.
I suspect a Thank You and a pleasant request to not throw stuff away again might work.
Divorce.
I'm assuming that's one of your sarcastic/sardonic answers?...
Just looking for a reality check-- I truly don't want to overreact. And to be honest, I'm already chill about it. What the heck. It was a pair of boots and a hat. I can probably find most receipts on credit card statements. I just feel if it were me cleaning out his car, I simply would have put his stuff in a bag and brought it home and asked him to sort through it.
Am I overreacting? If I'm freaking out about him giving/throwing away my stuff without asking is that a red flag for hoarding?
Believe me, it's not ruining my day. My car needed to be cleaned. But just the idea that the took it upon himself to decide what I needed and what I didn't was upsetting to me.
So, do I give him a kiss for cleaning up my car or a punch in the jaw for throwing out my stuff?
I don't think you have to worry about hoarding, you're just upset because he made decisions for you without giving you the benefit of input.
So, on the scale of kiss him or punch him, I'd vote for somewhere in between. Maybe give him a passionate embrace, nibble on his ear and whisper "Thanks for all you do, but if you throw away my stuff again, I'll draw blood"
I don't think you have to worry about hoarding, you're just upset because he made decisions for you without giving you the benefit of input.
So, on the scale of kiss him or punch him, I'd vote for somewhere in between. Maybe give him a passionate embrace, nibble on his ear and whisper "Thanks for all you do, but if you throw away my stuff again, I'll draw blood"
Good one, Alan! I'll give that a try.. even though it might be too late because I already read him the riot act and now he's licking his wounds.. A little "making up" might be in order.
I'm assuming that's one of your sarcastic/sardonic answers?...
Just looking for a reality check-- I truly don't want to overreact. And to be honest, I'm already chill about it. What the heck. It was a pair of boots and a hat. I can probably find most receipts on credit card statements. I just feel if it were me cleaning out his car, I simply would have put his stuff in a bag and brought it home and asked him to sort through it.
Thank him but make him aware that he threw out stuff that you needed. "In future, please pack up what is in the car as it is part of my office space with receipts and records that I need".
May I say that he sounds like a little kid who overdoes things due to boredom? Nope, I better not.
I am not quite following--why would someone throw out clothes and new box of cookies and brand new wrapping paper? That does not make sense to me. Did you ask him why he did this?
I am not quite following--why would someone throw out clothes and new box of cookies and brand new wrapping paper? That does not make sense to me. Did you ask him why he did this?
I'm not quite sure myself, which is why I reacted--I was especially concerned that he hadn't thrown out the UPS box with all my interview materials in it--(which he hadn't). But still.. I did find it strange. When I asked, he told me he never saw me wearing the hat (true I don't wear it a lot but I do wear it), and he thought wrapping paper is just wrapping paper.
And I guess I always figure that why would you pay someone to clean your car when you can do it yourself, so part of me is thinking, that's $20 for the cleaning and almost $100 for the replacement cost of the stuff he got rid of. I simply asked him to get me an oil change, and, to razz's point, he went overboard thinking he was 'doing me a good turn."
I am not quite following--why would someone throw out clothes and new box of cookies and brand new wrapping paper? That does not make sense to me. Did you ask him why he did this?
Yes, this. Very odd behaviour.
And I don't think you are overreacting. I'd be pissed off given the type of things that were thrown away.
Does he do stuff like this often? Because I would immediately think "dementia" or something--it's such an odd/inconsiderate thing to do. Is he taking any (prescribed) drugs that could cause him to behave irrationally?
It would bother me quite a bit if DH did that without asking. Easy enough for him to put all that stuff in a box and bring it in the house to look through before tossing. But that's me.
Holy hell, if my DH threw away a pair of my boots he'd know that he deserves whatever's coming at him!
rosarugosa
4-11-17, 7:16pm
I cannot imagine my DH doing this, but if he did, I would be really angry.
I would be pissed. Anything dirty/damaged is fair game I suppose, though I would still appreciate my spouse leaving it up to me to discard- but throwing out brand new stuff is just really weird.
Ultralight
4-11-17, 8:11pm
My honest opinion is that you ought to let this go. Was there any real damage?
frugal-one
4-11-17, 8:26pm
So, I've been really crazy busy this month with no end in sight. I have in-home interviews that are putting some stress on my car. So I told DH that i need to get my car looked at to make sure the oil/filters/tires/etc are all good to go.
He jumps up and is happy to help because he "sits with his thumb up his a$$" every day (his words, not mine).
He's gone for a while and when he comes home he proudly proclaims that not only did he get my car serviced, but he had it cleaned. Not only did he have it cleaned but he gave away a box of Girl Scout cookies I bought on Sunday, a floppy sunhat, and my dress boots that were in the back seat, a full roll of wrapping paper I just bought for GS's birthday.. and who knows what else. It makes me wonder what else he threw out, because frankly, yes, my car was a bit cluttered, but he probably threw out toll receipts, gas receipts, and who knows what else. I freaked out because I have interview materials from the UK that I had in the car and he DIDN'T throw THOSE away, but overall, it was disconcerting. I felt he didn't respect me enough to simply call or text and say, "Hey, I'm cleaning out your car--do you want those boots? That hat? That wrapping paper?"
Am I overreacting? If I'm freaking out about him giving/throwing away my stuff without asking is that a red flag for hoarding?
Believe me, it's not ruining my day. My car needed to be cleaned. But just the idea that the took it upon himself to decide what I needed and what I didn't was upsetting to me.
So, do I give him a kiss for cleaning up my car or a punch in the jaw for throwing out my stuff?
Reminds me of a coworker who said he cleaned out his wife's purse because it was messy. I told him if he was my husband he would be dead. The gaul!
I'm torn on this one. I'm very much a 'place for every thing and every thing in it's place' kind of guy. And SO is very much a 'any flat surface is a good spot to set this down' kind of guy. So I have developed workarounds to keep myself sane. Things like having a 'mail drawer' for SO's mail. No matter what flat surface he sets it on I move it to his mail drawer. He knows this and now knows to look there if he can't find something. But here's the complicated bit. If it looks like random pointess marketing mail I shred it and compost it. Otherwise the mail drawer gets too full and he complains. Deciding what to toss and what to keep is not always black and white. My knowing SO for 15 years helps but isn't perfect. I can only assume that Catherine's DH had the best of intentions. And probably even made mostly the right decisions. So unless he truly messed up I'd probably give him a pass. And maybe even thank him for his efforts.
I told DH that i need to get my car looked at to make sure the oil/filters/tires/etc are all good to go.
So, do I give him a kiss for cleaning up my car or a punch in the jaw for throwing out my stuff?
My discussion would have been: I was very specific on what I needed and you offered to do it and you did do it, for which I am grateful. I am not however, happy about you tossing out items in my car. Why would you do that? Now I need to spend $100 replacing everything instead of using that $100 to reduce our debt.
Let him answer. Thank him for his answer. Then let it go. Can't undo it.
I learned long long ago.....if I am unhappy with something DH did, am I going to divorce him over it? If the answer is no, I ask to talk about it but I don't get angry/grudge about it. Humor keeps us married without a doubt!
I honestly would have been very upset, but would want to appreciate that he did the part I needed done. My ex did some weird ones like that, most were annoying and really confusing, One was also really hurtful. I had a poster of the mountains were we used to live, it wasn't the greatest but we didn't have great art on the walls at that point. A realtor came over to talk to us at our rental about buying a house and made a comment about the picture (not negative) and my ex took it off the wall and threw it in the trash. So he had to get me a new, nicely framed, picture of the mountains to replace it. It still never made sense to me, he said he was getting rid of it because it wasn't a nice poster.
I would have been really P.O'd. I mean why couldn't he think through the stuff in the car, instead of taking the short-cut and throwing new/decent things out? Makes no sense to me. And you shouldn't feel bad for being upset with him.
I mean seriously.......why would he throw obviously new things out, or your boots??
Catherine........you deserve better. :(
I am reading the posts which are getting increasingly emotional and want to caution each of you to get some balance. DH passed away 4 years ago and you know, something like this incident would not have been a memorable incident that I would ever recall. Give the guy some space for being a twit at times. We all have those times.
I am reading the posts which are getting increasingly emotional and want to caution each of you to get some balance. DH passed away 4 years ago and you know, something like this incident would not have been a memorable incident that I would ever recall. Give the guy some space for being a twit at times. We all have those times.
But they do add up, razz, and it's easier to forgive them after they're gone.
ApatheticNoMore
4-13-17, 3:30pm
Not ok to throw away other people's things. Yea it's only stuff, but if that's so may as well leave one's door wide open and post an ad on Craiglist with the address and: "free stuff in house, take whatever you want".
I'd settle for a sincere "I'm sorry, I won't do it again".
catherine, wanted to add that what would tick me off the most was that new box of girl scout cookies. (Just kidding....but wanted to add a little levity.)
rosarugosa
4-13-17, 7:22pm
I think Gardnr has the right perspective, but I don't think I could avoid being angry. I could certainly forgive and move on though. I love DH more than even my most favorite boots! :)
catherine
4-13-17, 10:14pm
I am reading the posts which are getting increasingly emotional and want to caution each of you to get some balance. DH passed away 4 years ago and you know, something like this incident would not have been a memorable incident that I would ever recall. Give the guy some space for being a twit at times. We all have those times.
Thanks, razz, for putting it in perspective. My initial post was a kind of a knee-jerk reaction, and I appreciate all of the thoughts, opinions, and support I received here. I'm past it (even though I just realized that he also threw out a brand new Country Living magazine which I hadn't even read yet. I never buy magazines because they are not worth the $5 typically, but I felt like a splurge after all my work.)
Anyway, it WAS nice to get in a nice clean well-serviced car for the driving I did this week. I do get concerned about DH's emotional health, so it was a red flag for me as well as for him.
Case closed.
what is missing often when we share these stories is the emotional tone really. Was DH super excited he did something you wanted (just a little clueless about the items)? Was it a big positive for him to get up and do this? Or is there a judgmental tone or something negative going on from him about what was in your car. Really big difference,and sometimes we just have a right to be upset without thinking through all of it. I got the feeling you were just sharing and chatting rather than making it into a relationship breaking drama,
Razz I am sorry that you lost your husband. I know that some things seem silly now. I was visiting my parents recently and my dad brought out a square of toilet paper to show us that my mom is abusing him with single ply. It was really joking around but it is hard sometimes for me and to see what people complain about in relationships. Having been in a relationship with a narcissist I can't understand the TP roll issue, or toothpaste in the sink or toilet seats up or down. There were things I got bothered by or was confused by, but I knew i couldn't stay when I realized I was more scared of growing old with him than him dying.
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