View Full Version : what loneliness makes you do
Da** it, I think I screwed up again. I have one long term staff person and I shared something with her, and I think I couldn't actually trust her. It is my second loose lip issue in the last 2 months, both are bad. I think this is causing even more problems with the toxic colleague issue I explained in the work section. But now I am super angry at myself for sharing what I shared, and of course angry at my staff. She said she does not even talk to the person in question anymore (they have been friends before). I was basically telling her to be very careful about being her friend, and she said she wasn't in contact. Then it seems the more I shared after that went back to his person.
I am examining the roots in myself of this, sitting at Starbucks, and trying not to cry. I have a lot of loneliness issues, I don't have a lot of people who want to talk about the same things, I really work at reaching out and then I get exhausted and overwhelmed so I don't get out, I don't have a partner person or best friend right now. So I get connection where I can, and then I share too much. I have spent the last couple years really closed off at work, I don't want to walk into a meeting and sit by myself and give off that unfriendly vibe anymore, but I apparently don't have good self control. Basically I am the one who goes to visit people in other rooms at work, I call other people to talk, I lead the meditation group and am the only one who comes even when they don't lead, If I get a phone call per week that is not initiated by me (that does not include student loans) that is good, no joke. I am the one who calls my mom, my kids, and my sister who has needed a lot of anxiety support over the last months. But as soon as she is better it is back to me calling. I feel like a needy jerk to keep being the one to call others, right now I REALLY don't want to call anyone and perpetuate the pattern. So after spending 6 hours in my office alone working, and then a staff I have trusted walks in, I am not always in a good place by then for keeping my mouth shut. I just want to talk to someone, anyone, at that point. Even when I go home I may exchange a few words with my son and his girlfriend but they have their own lives.
So I need to do the 'pay a friend' deal and get a counselor again.
Another thing to do is to try to find a useful 12 step program. I've been going to Al Anon and we exchange lists of phone numbers, so there would always be someone to call, which might be helpful.
How funny, I have often thought about joining a 12 step program even though I am not officially an addict. But I really wanted the connections that build up with the programs. I did however talk to my mom a little, even though I needed to make the call it was okay.
I counted up that there are about 4 people I call once a week to just say hi, 3-4 others I call at least once a month to just check in or say hi, if I don't get any answers or call back then I take them off the list and move to the 'as-needed' list. But still I am the one dialing out, so giving myself 20 minutes for the pity party and then moving on.
I like being able to share at meetings and know there is an expectation of anonymity. So does everyone else there. It feels like a safe place to talk.
I think many of us have more contact with co-workers than anyone else.
And I have certainly made the mistake of disclosing details to someone who did not keep it quiet.
May sound strange but forums like these are a source of comfort to me, the exchanging of ideas and opinions.
Investigate small groups in your area?
Been thinking doubt this friendship subject as it has come up in a few recent threads with different scenarios.
I have one friend who has made it her mission to reach out to certain people on a regular basis each week. A retired principal of a high school, she knows that quite a few people find it difficult to reach out. When we talked about this aspect of her life, she simply stated that she knew it was needed and hoped that when her turn of needing support, someone would help her. She can also be bossy and outspoken at times so has had some challenges as well.
Usually when I contact someone, they are so appreciative of the phone call or email as so few people do reach out. Not sure of all the reasons for this lack of reaching out.
I have come to conclusion that contacts and friendships are gifts that we give freely because these are loveable people in our lives. If they reciprocate, great; if not, it doesn't matter. It is my gift to them, with no strings, agenda or expectations attached. Over the years as I look back, the rewards have quite wonderful. When an unexpected need arises in my life, they come through with wonderful support that totally surprises me. People need people. I like and need people in my life and so reach out. I feel blessed with my friends.
Okay that makes me feel better, I know that the person I shared too much about has also done this to me. She was one of the people complaining about working camps with me earlier in the year. What is hard is being at one site where all your 'coworkers' are people who work for you,
I also find a lot of comfort in these forums, I am working on more small group stuff. 3 of my close people in my life have gotten really busy with other things so a major set back after a lot of work developing these friendships. But lots of things to do this weekend so I will be happily busy.
I too suffer from chronic loneliness, as I am sure you know. So in a sense, I feel your pain.
Try one of those support groups. They have them for drunkards, junkies, overe-eaters, and all sorts of other things.
ApatheticNoMore
5-4-17, 5:38pm
Try one of those support groups. They have them for drunkards, junkies, overe-eaters, and all sorts of other things.
I don't get vice based support groups unless one strongly has vices/addictions, otherwise one is either left out or trying desperate to portray things as worse than they are (wait, wait, I have an addiction too! I uh have dirty dishes in my sink!). Would be a bit much to develop an addiction just to have a group to go to ... life can be a struggle without having strong addictive behaviors.
A couple random thoughts. Would you be interested in one of those programs where you visit a lonely elderly person on a regular basis? Also do you have a dog? When I did he was a great listening ear and sensed when I was down and would comfort me, and he never spread gossip. Sometimes I would cry into his fur when I was really sad and he would draw closer to me. But maybe you do not have time for either.
Meetup groups are pretty successful, seems like. Meetup.com
There are all kinds of groups to join, book groups, board games, special interests, hobbies, etc.
I did a story on groups who meet regularly to play board games. Many of them were new to the area and made friends through meetup. A couple of the guys were surprising in their candor, saying they could play online games with other people, but it wasn't the same as face-to-face where you get to know the other guy, ask them about their lives, etc.
Meetup groups are pretty successful, seems like. Meetup.com
There are all kinds of groups to join, book groups, board games, special interests, hobbies, etc.
I did a story on groups who meet regularly to play board games. Many of them were new to the area and made friends through meetup. A couple of the guys were surprising in their candor, saying they could play online games with other people, but it wasn't the same as face-to-face where you get to know the other guy, ask them about their lives, etc.
Volunteering as well - much of my social life is connected to people I've met via volunteering - and volunteering itself.
iris lilies
5-4-17, 7:26pm
Volunteering as well - much of my social life is connected to people I've met via volunteering - and volunteering itself.
Agreed, thats how we built social relationships when we moved here. We still connect through volunteer work based on plants and gardening.
Zoe Girl does carry a meditation group leadership, so it isnt as though she isnt doing anything along those lines.
I had this great response, and it is gone! New info is that 2 people recently have done a reach out, one sent me photos of me working with her daughter and the other responded to an email on a mutual interest and said we should meet for coffee. She actually meets up with people. And the big goof I made doesn't seem as bad with some perspective. The one person in the drama who is causing all the grief is at the point of creating total fantasy and I hope that will come back to where it belongs.
The meditation community is great, and I could expand quite a bit. I have had some really good connections there. We just don't tend to keep up outside of our meetings. Out of our 4 group leaders I am the only one able to come when I don't lead. I am working on bringing in one person to replace a person who moved as soon as he is back from Europe. Then we will have monthly meetings as a way to bring him into the facilitation we are doing. This weekend has lots of Buddhisty things to do, I do better with at least one activity every weekend.
Look into CoDA, I think given your past relationship issues you might find it a good fit.
Someone is starting a Refuge Recovery meeting in the Denver/Boulder area apparently. (recovery based on Buddhist principles in the tradition of Noah Levine who started Dharma Punx/Against the stream). They posted on our facebook but I don't know who they are are. So I think I would like to go to their meeting, the AA style is not my style at all.
So I took some time to check in with a friend and then start some conversations with at least one facilitator in our group. I basically feel unsupported in running the group when we don't have a lot of people showing up, especially facilitators. And I resisted the urge to have 5 action steps all organized, I just shared how I was feeling without judgement for my friend or myself. She said she had been thinking she and her boyfriend needed to come more. That is good, we will see what happens. Then I led a Sunday morning interactive inquiry phone call (a buddhist phone meeting where I led and did a talk and then facilitated a discussion). I had 3 people, all good friends, from 2 different states! That was super exciting because it would be easy to have no one. I heard that 2 of them had a history and so I called one later to check in that it was comfortable for her, see how her first mother's day without her mother was, and we had a long talk. She is in our network but out of state so I shared the local group thing, and she actually apologized for not being the one to call ever. I wasn't asking for that but it was nice (not that she needed to apologize) but to feel like I am able to say to some people that it really is wonderful to get phone calls and I am looking for friendships that have that balance. In the conversation it came out that she has some of her own things going on, and is ready to get more involved in friendships.
Chicken lady
5-15-17, 3:26pm
Is the calling important to you?
heart daughter's gf and I are driving her crazy. We like each other, and I am supposed to be helping the gf with their garden. And she needs help. But heart daughter is failing to facilitate this. The gf keeps saying "you need to get (chicken lady) over here to help with the garden." And I keep saying "m really needs to get the garden going." And heart daughter keeps saying you two need to call each other. And then we say "we don't do that."
Yes the calling is really important to me. So I kinda know who is not a person who calls, and I need to just develop a few friendships with people who do call since it is important to me. I also try to mention it or watch how often I call if it is a case of someone who would call but not as often as I would.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.