View Full Version : Any divorced women here? Need advice
I have been considering divorce for a long time. Probably the biggest hurdle is financial. DH is a recovering alcoholic and finances aren't good. We have no debt, the children are grown, but we are living on small pensions. If I leave, it will be very lean indeed. Simple living over the years has been a good training ground, but I don't want to have to decide between a can of tuna and cat food.
While things are not terrible, they have not been good for a long time. My biggest fears - running out of money, increased medical bills due to aging, loneliness. I have friends and I attend Al-Anon. Not affiliated with a church though. I have hobbies.
A divorced friend told me to consider carefully, because sometimes you trade one set of problems for another.
Anyone care to share their experience? Did you make the right decision? How do handle being single financially?
Teacher Terry
5-24-17, 3:12pm
I divorced after my kids grew up but I had 20 years left to work to make up for the $ lost. At 62 now my marriage would have to be awful for me to leave because financially it would mean an entirely different life. When I was young I overheard my mom and her friend talking and my Mom said at her age (60) she wold never divorce due to how tight $ would be. Her friend did divorce and was later poor and sorry.
So ask yourself--what happens to your fears if you divorce? Will you run out of money, or can you pick up a part time job, or live in a co-housing situation with another divorced person? Will your medical bills be bigger if you divorce, or the same? Maybe your health will be better if you divorce if you have less stress? Will you be more lonely? Sometimes the worst loneliness is the loneliness of living with a person you've outgrown.
I'm not telling you what to do one way or the other--I'm just asking you to brainstorm on your biggest fears and ask yourself how likely they are to transpire. I think Al-Anon is essential to continue no matter what--I don't know how long your husband has been in recovery, but there is always a HUGE transition phase in marriages where one person is newly sober.
You didn't say how old you are? That and the ability to work a part time job for many years would be a factor for me. I was 40 and my biggest regret was not being more serious about earning money because I had good alimony and child support (of course the recession was out of my control). However leaving the situation was no longer a choice.
I think my grandparents were ready to divorce a few times but there was no way financially. My grandmother made more of her own life, and then grandpa had a stroke and she spent 5 years with him in a nursing home. Sometimes just renegotiating the deal is enough, for me I traded the sabotage of my goals and dreams for a financial situation that put most of those same goals and dream on hold. However this summer I am taking my solo hiking vacation! It just took awhile.
I divorced and raised my son alone. I plan to retire at 70 on Social Security only as no job has provided me with a pension. Could you move somewhere with a low enough cost of living that Social Security would be enough and your pension gravy? Or did you never pay into the system? Many people do not get pensions nowadays.
ApatheticNoMore
5-24-17, 6:49pm
I divorced and raised my son alone. I plan to retire at 70 on Social Security only as no job has provided me with a pension. Could you move somewhere with a low enough cost of living that Social Security would be enough and your pension gravy? Or did you never pay into the system? Many people do not get pensions nowadays.
Need to know the nationality of the poster though, in Canada they call their social security system their pensions I believe and it's not private pensions but a government retirement system just like Social Security so that might be what they are referring to (and yes of course it's more generous than U.S. Social Security, every industrialized country on earth's retirement system is pretty much).
But if in the U.S., the question is when one gets Social Security (eligible now or only in the future?), and if one has calculated what the amounts will be under the getting a divorce and not getting a divorce scenarios (the same reasoning would apply anywhere to their public pension system although the U.S. might have more marriage benefits of sorts).
As for housing it depends on if one currently rents or owns (and is it fully paid for?), if it's renting it's as easy to afford rent with a roommate as with a partner I figure. But if selling property the question is how much one will likely to get for half of it and if one is able to buy a house or a condo with that or just rent.
I think so much depends on your age, your ability to work, and the circumstances. You don't give much information about these things, so it is really hard to give advice.
If you divorce your spouse after a marriage of at least 10 years, you are eligible to file for his social security; divorcing does not change that.
I have seen several situations where the partners separated. But due to the long history they shared, when one ran into problems, they continued to help each other and eventually moved back together.
May I suggest that you take a long break from each other and reassess the whole situation. What do you like about this man? Each person usually has many redeeming qualities unless he is abusive or addicted or destructive. Try solo living to see what it really is like. Building a whole new life later in years is a very challenging experience and to try this with limited funds is especially stressful.
I am 63 and retired on a government pension. If we split the proceeds of the sale of the house, I could buy a condo. Finances would be tight but not impossible. But I cannot predict the future. Will I outlive my money? Will I have large medical expenses? Will I fall and break a hip like my mother did? I eat healthy and exercise daily, but have arthritis, osteoporosis and degenerative disks.
So in answer to some questions, I have my own pension, a small IRA and annuity. I also have good health care coverage with my government pension. So it's doable, but would be very, very tight. Actually, the decision would be easier if it was impossible. I would stay. My Al-Anon sponsor said I have choices. They may both be crummy choices, but they are choices.
However this summer I am taking my solo hiking vacation! It just took awhile.
I would love to do that! I used to be very athletic, but have limited mobility now. My favorite book was "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed.
It's great that you have choices! It sounds like you can take care of yourself, which is wonderful. If something happens like a medical event, are you actually any better off if you are with him? Sometimes, I think being in a marriage makes women more vulnerable, as you might be expected to take care of him in the future, and he would also have access to your resources.
Have you considered going to marital counseling together?
If he's in recovery, not currently using, it might be good to go to couples therapy.
I'm in Toronto visiting my daughter. I got sick last night and will going to urgent care or ER today. It would be really hard to do this without my husband's support. I'd hate to start over alone at age 55.
If he goes first, I'll probably live with one of my kids. They all are the type that have already invited us to do so when it becomes necessary and we all get along really well.
I didn't think I'd feel this way, only a few years ago even, but social support is so critical as we age.
If he goes first, I'll probably live with one of my kids. They all are the type that have already invited us to do so when it becomes necessary and we all get along really well.
I didn't think I'd feel this way, only a few years ago even, but social support is so critical as we age.
I've already threatened my kids and told them to make space in their back yards for a tiny house or "granny pod." Kind of joking, but if they're amenable to it, I'll take them up on it.
Tybee - We've been through counseling. Many times. The issue is we have evolved so differently over the years. Also, I think the alcohol has made irreparable changes to his brain. Sometimes during a disagreement, I stop myself because I realize I am trying to reason with someone who has psychological issues. The cognitive decline is getting more apparent and I'm not sure I can or want to deal with it any longer.
That being said, he has his good qualities which has made the decision more difficult. If he was horrible, it would be easy to leave. But there are good days and bad. So I'm on the continual seesaw. Stay or go?
I should also add that there are so many unhappy women in my Al-Anon group. Most of them are in marriages they would like to leave but cannot for financial reasons. I was hoping to find women who left so I could learn about their experiences, but no luck yet.
catherine
5-25-17, 10:02am
I should also add that there are so many unhappy women in my Al-Anon group. Most of them are in marriages they would like to leave but cannot for financial reasons. I was hoping to find women who left so I could learn about their experiences, but no luck yet.
You might find your question answered if you sign up for the Friends and Family forum on SoberRecovery.com. There are people in all ages and stages of marriage. I'm sure you'll get support and insight there.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/
Catherine - Thank you! I just checked it out and there is a wealth of information. So appreciated!
I am a single male in my early 60's, so you can discount my opinion appropriately, but I would make a couple of suggestions. One is that if you might be counting on some support with health issues as you age, us males generally have a shorter life expectancy and adding in substance abuse, you may be the care giver rather than the receiver and may out life you current spouse. Also, I am actually beginning to see advantages to downsizing out of a home, possibly into a condo or patio home. Not now, but maybe sometime. So your downsizing could be appropriate.
I have been single a long time and having a live-in companion that is amiable would be a slight challenge and having one that is not compatible is almost untenable. Some of this is what we've grown used to. I am quite happy single, but having the support and company of a working relationship would preferable to me. I have a group of single people in my own age group that I meet with and have met new friends in some volunteer and community projects. It takes a little more effort, but being single and older doesn't have to mean being a lonely hermit. I don't date currently and it is an uncomfortable thought, but finding a new partner and possibly better partner is not impossible.
Teacher Terry
5-25-17, 12:30pm
You might want to read the book "Too good to leave-to bad to stay. I found it really helpful in the past.
Rogar - Thank you. I appreciate your input
Teacher - I am going to look that book up. Thanks
I went to a health plan sponsored codependents group and most of the women there left or divorced their spouses. So not all support groups have the same composition.
I read the book and it's pointing to leaving. Now, can I afford it? I'm moving this topic now to Personal Finance.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.