View Full Version : Simple Bad News
This topic might be a little morose, but I'm really looking for advice on imparting bad news in the high tech world.
I've been wondering, if I had to call my kids with bad news (I don't, BTW--this is strictly hypothetical), how do I do it?? Meaning, in the "old days" if you had to do that, you'd call someone's land line, knowing they'd be home if they answered and they would be in a good place to listen and respond to any news you had.
But today, you call people's cell phones, and you have no idea where they are! So what do you say?
Last week I was driving home from a business trip an hour away from home, and my phone rang. I have hands-free, so I answered it after the caller had left a message. So, I called voice mail and it was an ER nurse saying that my husband was fine, but in the ER. So, I was a bit panicky, speeding down the highway looking for an exit where I could pull over and call her back. Not the best place to get bad news.
Also, a couple of years ago, our family dog died. I called each of the kids, and one was in the public library at the time. Not the best place to get bad news either. When my MIL died last summer I was SO HAPPY it was while we were on a family vacation with all the kids present so I didn't have to make those dreaded phone calls, and have to ask where they were, were they in a place they could talk, etc.
So, how do you guys handle situations like this?
When my brother died, my parents were on vacation (sans phone of any kind). After a few hours of frantic calls from my brother's in-laws, they got the urgent message to call them while visiting some friends. They then called me on my landline at work. My dad (in shock) just kind of blurted it out over the phone. I (fortunately) had my own office, but it wasn't exactly an ideal way to receive bad news. Then again, I don't know of any good way to get bad news.
But this is something that I've given some thought to as my family is very scattered and I will necessarily have to give bad news to close friends and family who are far away at some point. I think I'd start the conversation by asking if they are available to talk about something serious. Perhaps "I really need to talk to you. Is this a good time? Are you somewhere private? I don't want to distract you if you're driving or out and about . . . ." I think that would flag it as something that needs swift attention but perhaps not if you're speeding down the highway. For voicemail, I'd probably say something like "I need to talk to you as soon as possible. Give me a call when you can." Gets the urgency across without necessarily igniting panic. And for email, a simple "Call me asap". But you can't really control where someone is or what they're doing when you impart bad news.
The last time someone contacted me with bad news it was to tell me that my uncle had been killed in a climbing accident. My dad was overseas (his brother) and my mum was trying to figure out what to do and how to get hold of my young cousins who were staying with friends of the family (we had no clue who these friends were). I was in the middle of hosting a dinner party and had ignored the first two calls (we were plagued by sales calls at the time). The third time it rang in 10 minutes I picked up and had to excuse myself rapidly.
Ascertain where they are and that they are not driving or out with friend, and that they are mentally free to actually absorb your news and spend some time on the phone with you.
Then give them the news.
I actually have to do this fairly often in my work.
I say, "This is Fawn the hospice nurse. Is this a good time for me to talk with you?"
If they say, "No." I say, "Please call me back as soon as you can. Here is my number...."
If they say, "Yes." I ask if they are alone, at home, etc. to determine, how vulnerable a place it is to be.
If it is something very time sensitive, i.e a loved one is actively dying and we are hoping the callee will be able to get there before the death, I might say something like, "Your father is not doing well and your mother would like you to come now. Can you drive yourself, should we send someone to get you?"
Actually, I would like to train everyone who calls, marketers, my kids, the school district, to start their calls, "Hi, this is so and so. I am calling about such and such. Is this a good time for me to call?"
In the old land-line days they would often tell someone to sit down or ask if they were sitting down before giving bad news so it's not that weird to ask whether someone is in a place they can talk. Knowing that people are on cells a lot and may be distracted or driving, I often ask the recipient if it's a good time to talk esp if it's not something urgent. It may be less awkward when the time comes to share bad news if you frequently ask whether it's a good time to talk when you're just calling to chat regularly.
I typically leave a message or send an email asking them to call me as soon as they could, comfortably, where we could talk.
It's usually within 24 hours, and usually when the person is at home and in a rested state.
Can you drive yourself, should we send someone to get you?"
I think everthing you said is great. This last part really caught my eye.
I think everthing you said is great. This last part really caught my eye.
Well, we all react differently to grief, and need different things then.
I hope you never get that call.....
I had never thought about the idea of asking if someone needs a ride. But it's definitely a good idea. Recently I was out at a bowling fundraiser with friends when one of my friends received a call that his brother had been killed in a car accident. He was so devastated that it was a good thing he hadn't been out somewhere driving himself. There's no way he could have driven a car in the state he was in.
I had never thought about the idea of asking if someone needs a ride. But it's definitely a good idea. Recently I was out at a bowling fundraiser with friends when one of my friends received a call that his brother had been killed in a car accident. He was so devastated that it was a good thing he hadn't been out somewhere driving himself. There's no way he could have driven a car in the state he was in.
I was in the reception room at a mortgage loan shop waiting to sign docs to buy a new house with my wife when one of the receptionists got a phone call about her brother dying just then in a car accident. The manager was great. He tried to assess the situation quickly and asked/arranged for the other receptionst to drive her to where she needed to go. I know from past experience that I can rally and think clearly and be helpful when it's another's loved one but I'm fairly certain I'm going to melt down when it's one of mine..... I mean I get the old age thing and that hasn't sent me over the edge emotionally but the surprise hit... I'm going to be a puddle on the floor.
We recently had a situation in our family where the matriarch collapsed at work and we had to quickly reach all the family in town and gather to make medical decisions. I had to leave messages for my BIL and SIL saying, essentially, "Please call me right away when you get this." The messages were obviously pretty grim, because I'd been crying and it was all so cryptic. I wondered if it would have been better to say, "Matriarch's in the hospital, we think it's a stroke, she's on life support and the doctors want us all to get there RIGHT AWAY." But that seemed pretty cold. Honestly, given the other message, it's probably 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. :-/
I'm glad I've never had to call anyone with a more dire message. As it was, Matriarch is A-OK after a month on the neuro-ICU ward and a bunch of rehab. :)
Thanks, all, for the great advice. I have a much clearer picture of how I would proceed if I'm in that position someday--great to hear Fawn's perspective as someone who makes these calls as part of her job--I'm definitely going to keep that "script" in mind.
Jill Sanders
5-9-11, 10:57pm
This is really a tough subject. Sometimes, you don't get the best chance to do things the way that would be best. A few years ago, when my husband was flying and we could not find him, when the word came to my son first, he had to call me. He told me to sit down and then very slowly told me the news was "the worst it could be." I understood him and appreciated the gentle way he let me know. My daughter, however, was driving home from work as we had waited several hours to tell her dad was missing. So, she had to pull over in the car and then did not understand what he was saying. I suspect she did not want to understand but I wish she could have been with her husband when the news came. However, my son did what he thought best as it was on the news, radio, internet, and in the paper so he did not want her to hear any other way. The worst for us is that I was six hours away from my kids and the they were an hour apart. We needed to be together as soon as possible. It was over 24 hours before we managed this.
My husband's dad died last summer, and we had been expecting him to pass away any day. My husband and his brother are in a band and were at a gig the night their sister called me to tell me that their dad had just died. I didn't want to call and tell him in the middle of a gig when they were on stage. What I did was send him a text that said, "Call me as soon as you're done playing." He did call me, and he assumed that his dad had died and that's what I was calling about, and he thought that texting him that way was the best thing to do, because he could tell his brother while they were together. I think it just depends on the situation. It's weird when everybody uses cell phones, you can't always know where somebody is or what they're doing when you call.
Jill, Kathy, thanks for sharing your experiences. It's really helpful to hear what you found to be the most comforting way to hear bad news.
I do have a horrific family story related to this topic (maybe subconsciously that's why I thought of bringing it up as a topic in this forum). My grandmother (mother's mother) was in a nursing home with dementia but otherwise healthy. My brother had gotten married in the Midwest, but my mother wanted to have a local reception in the East, where we're from. The morning of the reception she was 45 minutes away at the site of the reception preparing it when the nursing home called our house. I answered the phone, and they told me my grandmother had died.
I didn't know what to do! I was in my early 20s and clueless (I guess I still am, 38 years later). So I called my mother's best friend to ask her advice, and she advised me to wait until after the reception. Wanting to keep it under wraps completely, I never told my other younger brother what was going on. But, HE happened to answer the phone when the funeral home called, and not really understanding what was going on, he just gave them my mother's number to call, and so when she answered the phone, they blurted out, "What do you want us to do with the body?" That's how she found out her mother had died... and this was right before the reception was to start.
My poor mother.. I always felt so bad about that.
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