View Full Version : What if DH ever retires??
I have always enjoyed being alone. I rallied when raising the kids and feel like I did a fairly good job with so little time to myself. But they've been out of the house for about 10 years. I don't really have friends (my choice). I love being alone.
I've been encouraging DH to retire, since he's getting older and seems less happy in his job. But for a couple weekends, he's taken 4 days off over the weekends. And it drives me crazy!! It's my own problem, since I just can't think when people are around. I lose my focus completely. So now I'm thinking, what the heck would happen to me if/when he does retire?? It would totally throw me for a loop.
Maybe this is hard for many women who have stayed home for many years and then their husbands retire.
I know I'm a curious person, with curious needs. But dang.......this really scares me to think of my life changing so drastically if he were to retire. I don't blame him at all, it's my problem of not being able to concentrate with others around.
Anyone else deal with this kind of problem?
I'm the solitary type myself, and my guess is that you'll adapt. It's important to have a room/floor/outdoor studio that you can escape to. When my beloved visits, I'm content to just sit companionably with him, and read, play with my tablet, or sort paperwork. Having a particularly clingy or chatty roomie might do me in--especially if it were a 24/7 thing.
ToomuchStuff
6-8-17, 3:50pm
Do you have things you do together? Do you have separate hobbies? If yes, there will be a period of adjustment as in the end, isn't it about finding balance?
I work from home, my husband is retired. He has an office with a door that can close where he can watch movies on his computer when I am on conference calls in the dining room. He visits his mom once a week, on top of doing most of the local errands. I gotta say I do look forward to those times he's out of the house just for the quiet. He has his own projects mostly during the workdays, and we spend weekend times together. It wasn't that much of a transition, but there were small issues here and there to be sure. I am still having issues with him emptying the dishwasher or chopping vegetables while I'm on calls when I can't mute myself because its my meeting . :) (kitchen and dining room are open to each other).
It helps my husband is a much bigger introvert than I am. If he wanted to chat constantly, I would go nuts.
My biggest problem is that I just can't think with others around.......but that's my problem. I think I've always been like that. Maybe it has something to do with my ADD? I do have a number of issues with DH, so maybe I'm thinking those would be bigger issues if he were here all the time. Then again, if he had more time maybe he'd work on those issues more.........but I'm not sure. He sort of has tunnel vision and doesn't notice much around him that might need worked on.
I have many more interests around here than he does. I'm more like his mother. :(
Maybe I shouldn't worry about it, since I'd probably adjust. But.....that's another one of my failings.......I have trouble adjusting!
And maybe he doesn't want to retire, because he'd have to be around ME all the time. :laff:
DH and I have pretty much been together 24/7 since we both recently retired and moved out of state. Now that we are finally settling in, the dynamic has been interesting to note as work took up most of our time before. It has been a trial for sure and more bickering than usual but as mentioned, you eventually adapt. It wasn't our intention, but we ended up buying a house that is larger than the one we sold, so there are more places to find solitude when needed. One thing for sure, I don't want to end up being his mommy by picking up after him, nagging etc.
My husband is a work till you drop, work travel for years, then poof three times he has had enough and """retired""" first time 44 last time one year ago of which he was never going back...then the call came and he went back full force. What I learned from these previews of retirement was we lived separate lives kinda as now. I did not say What are you doing? When will we? What do you want to do? We do not have the same hobbies and since 1978 that has been ok and won't change. I learned it was more like date time when we went out together, Dinner was really nice every time as we have never eaten dinner together during the week.
DH had the shed, the garage and the downstairs; I had the gardens, the main floor especially the living room for myself as our divided space. He watched TV downstairs as we both hated having the TV going when socializing.
I am quite introvert so need quiet. We would sit with our tea in our easy chairs early in the mornings as I did my meditations and prayers. Funnily enough, it is that quiet companionship in the mornings that I really miss. He would make a fire if needed before I got up.
Find your space that you need and explain it as important to you. For some, it is a chair, others a corner or a room or a window seat. When you sit there, you are off limits.
iris lilies
6-8-17, 7:29pm
We negotiate kitchen priveleges a lot. A LOT!!! Today, in fact, was one of those days. He made the announcement
"I am going to make some iced tea" which requires him to be in the kitchen work triangle while I was cooking. So I had to step out of the kitchen until he was done. We managed this without snarking at each other. :)
The worst thing is that the radio is on all the day here. At first I tried ear plugs but that didnt last. I listen to the radio quite often myself by choice, I just would like some quiet in the morning, and late afternoon.
We have property outside of our neighborhood where we have a big garden, and he spends a fair amount of time there, and then he works often at the community garden. So, its not as though he is in the house here all the time. We have a third floor that is his man cave where he retires to watch tv most evenings.
When my dad retired, many years ago, he didn't really have any hobbies to occupy himself. Mom had been a housewife for many years by that point and had a stable routine for how she spent her time. Cleaning and shopping from 6am-noon, lunch, then naptime for two hours. Read the paper, cook dinner, go for a walk in the evening. (the paper and walk got reversed in winter.) After dad retired he started following her around in the mornings offering "advice" on how to improve her cleaning routine. Finally she had to sit him down and explain that her routine was hers and he needed to find something else to occupy his mornings. He ended up getting in the habit of going for long walks to different places every day and taking the bus home. This got him out of her hair and also gave him things to talk about after he got home. It ended up working great for them, but it wouldn't have happened if mom hadn't set him down and explained what she needed.
That's nice to hear, jp1. I'm glad your dad was open to what your mother requested.
I think a lot of men don't have much to their lives but their job for so long, that they haven't even developed any "hobbies", and don't have a clue what to do after retirement. I'm sure it's the ones who've had other interests all along, who do better in retirement. DH doesn't seem to know what to do, except mow the lawn and pull weeds when he's not at work.. I appreciate that, but there's so much more than that that would need done. I remember when he was younger and had time off.......he would get in a bad mood and not have a clue what to do. Gee.........I never run out of things to do!
We all have things that we don't really want to do, but some of us have the discipline to do them anyhow.
DH is still working and will probably work until he drops dead (at work).....since once he starts anything, he can't stop.
I'm torn because I want to encourage him to retire, but after these 4 day weekends, it really scares me. I would probably adjust........but it won't be easy.
An amusing sidenote to underscore how seriously mom took her routine and methods for keeping house. A few years after dad retired mom discovered that she had osteoporosis when her ankle broke in several places as she tried to stand up from sitting in a chair. During the first couple of weeks after this dad attempted to do the vacuuming and other housekeeping. Apparently he was ok at laundry but mom found his vacuum skills to be lacking. They ended up developing a shared approach where he would situate her on one of the kitchen stools in the middle of the living room. She would vacuum around herself while he placed the other one 6 feet away or so. When she'd finished the area around the first one he'd help her move to the other one. While she was vacuuming around it he would move the first stool to a third location. And so on and so on and so on until she had completely vacuumed their condo. They did this every week until she had recovered enough to vacuum normally. After hearing that story I thought it was hilariously naive on his part to have assumed that he could have had any useful advice to offer her on housekeeping...
An amusing sidenote to underscore how seriously mom took her routine and methods for keeping house. A few years after dad retired mom discovered that she had osteoporosis when her ankle broke in several places as she tried to stand up from sitting in a chair. During the first couple of weeks after this dad attempted to do the vacuuming and other housekeeping. Apparently he was ok at laundry but mom found his vacuum skills to be lacking. They ended up developing a shared approach where he would situate her on one of the kitchen stools in the middle of the living room. She would vacuum around herself while he placed the other one 6 feet away or so. When she'd finished the area around the first one he'd help her move to the other one. While she was vacuuming around it he would move the first stool to a third location. And so on and so on and so on until she had completely vacuumed their condo. They did this every week until she had recovered enough to vacuum normally. After hearing that story I thought it was hilariously naive on his part to have assumed that he could have had any useful advice to offer her on housekeeping...
:laff:
DH doesn't seem to know what to do, except mow the lawn and pull weeds when he's not at work.
We just moved to a neighborhood that seems to have a number of retiree age residents. It is amazing how much time the older men spend tending their lawns - mowing, blowing, fertilizing, watering.
DH and I have co-existed on a day-to-day basis for several years now. I work from home, and he's "retired" (would go back to work if he could).
I think space is the key. We each have home offices on different ends of the house and we text each other during the day.
IL, I agree about the "noise" from radio/TV during the day. As soon as he leaves to go somewhere, I turn it off.
Cathy, I think you'll adjust, but you do need to do what you can to mentally get him out of your headspace during the day. I know how that is.. thoughts sneak in like "what's he doing, does he want to eat, if I leave the house should I ask him, why is he making so much noise, wonder what he's doing now, did I remember to put another roll of toilet paper in the bathroom.." Not even conscious thoughts, but it's more like a soft chatter. That's why you lose focus. I do, too.
Just make it a point to do your thing and let him be to do his.
Cathy, do you wonder if he is ever concerned about what will happen if he retires? DH and I talked about it and found out routine. He retired before I did so it was my retirement that was the challenge. I went from racing at work to racing as a volunteer until I smartened up 3 years later. It was funny because we found that my volunteer efforts eventually gave structure to our days. When I gave up some of them, we got confused which day of the week it was. He started teasing me to get back on the volunteer track so that we would know the day of the week.
Thanks everyone. I think there are probably lots of people (especially older ones), whose relationships with their spouses are more of co-existing/tolerance. It's just too hard at an older age to make a huge change.
What frustrates me most is that DH has learned to immediately dismiss anything he doesn't want to physically deal with, or emotionally work out. It has left me with all the noticing when anything is not working/falling apart, etc. DH could live in a total dump, with nothing working. If something is happening that he doesn't want to deal with, he can totally ignore it, or say "it's fine". That leaves me with too much to deal with. And if he retires, I think it will just be more of the same.
I truly feel like his mother, and have to tell him what to do all the time. That might be fine with him, but not with me. I didn't marry him to be his mother.....or his brain.
I suppose this should be a separate post. I just felt like venting a bit. His default for everything is to mow the lawn, pull weeds. Yes, that stuff is important, but what about our failing house and barn (in which there is brand new, expensive equipment that he just bought). Okay, I'd better stop.
But it is interesting to see how others deal with sharing the house with a spouse. I think I'll start a different post and sharing the work in a relationship.
Teacher Terry
6-13-17, 1:12pm
We downsized our house to 1400 sq ft however we each have our own office. WE have 2 tv's with one in LR and one in MB. WE watch some shows together and some separate. The garage and shed are also his to make messes and the rest of the house is clean. I do not clean his office as there is stuff everywhere. He does not notice stuff either. However, we have a blast together. WE take a daily walk together, go out to eat 2x's week and on weekends go to festivals or get together with friends. The good stuff out weighs the bad. WE have been together 20 years now.
Cathy...have you given serious thought to simplifying where you two will live as you get older? If keeping up with all that house and land is problematic now, what about in the future?
Cathy...have you given serious thought to simplifying where you two will live as you get older? If keeping up with all that house and land is problematic now, what about in the future?
I know this sounds crazy, pinkytoe, but I would rather die here than leave. I think DH feels the same. but I keep asking DH to cut back on things he mows, but he doesn't want to. Oh well.....
I'm probably just as bad with my buying trees and bushes and having several little ponds. I guess we'll have to face it some day........but not just yet. But like I said, I've brought this up a number of times with him, and once he does something, he will never stop it.
iris lilies
6-13-17, 5:39pm
I know this sounds crazy, pinkytoe, but I would rather die here than leave.
I think DH feels the same...
That is a legacy that will be difficult for your children to handle. I hope you will reconsider that.
it is difficult taking care of elderly parents. It is exhausting to take care of their house, and add in extensive grounds, that is a recipe for frustration and exhaustion for your children.
I'll probably "take care" of myself before I'm too much of a problem......if you get what I mean.
I am thinking about a women I met recently who was trying to deal with elderly parents in another state. She described how they lived on a rural property they loved but the house was pretty much falling down around them because of their age and health issues. She was having to make multiple trips back and forth to deal with all of it and worried constantly about their well-being since they refused to move. I guess I have more of an issue with being an excess burden to DD someday than some since I spent so much of my younger life taking care of sick relatives. My 70 yo old brother who lives on rural, isolated property always says he'll think about it someday. Oh well...
I understand what you are saying pinkytoe. For now, the trouble I am having is a DH who won't keep up with the house now..........but he can work all day in the hot sun, mowing grass and weeding. It's not that we/he can't keep up with the house, it's that he doesn't want to...or doesn't notice it, or doesn't mind it. I guess I'll have to step up and hire people to do those things, as much as I don't like it. What's funny is, he'll be ticked off that I hired someone........to do something he'd never get around to.
I do try to keep in mind that I don't want to leave a mess for my children. At this point, DS has mentioned he'd like to live here. I've tried to start cleaning a lot of things out, since I don't want them to have that burden.
I find this whole growing old thing a bit of a perplexing issue. How strange to be thinking about not being here............
frugal-one
6-13-17, 8:09pm
Thanks everyone. I think there are probably lots of people (especially older ones), whose relationships with their spouses are more of co-existing/tolerance. It's just too hard at an older age to make a huge change.
What frustrates me most is that DH has learned to immediately dismiss anything he doesn't want to physically deal with, or emotionally work out. It has left me with all the noticing when anything is not working/falling apart, etc. DH could live in a total dump, with nothing working. If something is happening that he doesn't want to deal with, he can totally ignore it, or say "it's fine". That leaves me with too much to deal with. And if he retires, I think it will just be more of the same.
I truly feel like his mother, and have to tell him what to do all the time. That might be fine with him, but not with me. I didn't marry him to be his mother.....or his brain.
I suppose this should be a separate post. I just felt like venting a bit. His default for everything is to mow the lawn, pull weeds. Yes, that stuff is important, but what about our failing house and barn (in which there is brand new, expensive equipment that he just bought). Okay, I'd better stop.
But it is interesting to see how others deal with sharing the house with a spouse. I think I'll start a different post and sharing the work in a relationship.
Do you tell him you feel like his mother? My DH used to not notice things that needed to be done. I would mention it and he said he never even saw the things! He asked that I make a list and post it on the refrigerator. He then would look at the list... and decide what needed to be done. It saved LOTS of disagreements. It also facilitated discussions. YLMV
Do you tell him you feel like his mother? My DH used to not notice things that needed to be done. I would mention it and he said he never even saw the things! He asked that I make a list and post it on the refrigerator. He then would look at the list... and decide what needed to be done. It saved LOTS of disagreements. It also facilitated discussions. YLMV
Yes, I've tried just about everything. If I have to remind him to do everything, then he feels nagged. If I put a list up, he forgets it, or has a reason for not getting to it. One of his jobs is to change the water filter in the basement/add salt to the softener/and check the mouse traps while he's down there. I finally (thought) I taught him to write down on the calendar when he changed it last, then change it every month. Well, he would forget. So I taught him to write down when it's due to be changed, and he misses it. We have a lot of iron in the water and it's ruining our nice marble sinks and our toilets and our tubs (not to mention the drinking water).....so I told him to do it every 3 weeks..........which he didn't understand why it was necessary and that became somewhat of an argument. I think he married me to be his mother........and now is rebelling against me (his mother). Oh bother.........
Actually.....I do wonder if he has ADD which has gotten worse. I don't want to be mean to him if he can't help it. I'm just having trouble believing he can't help it.
This conversation has reminded me that I finally figured out after all these years that DH actually prefers to be given specific tasks where home is concerned. That is to say, he isn't terribly self-motivated but if I write it down on a "honey-do list" without any sort of nagging, it usually gets done. I can see why OP might be frustrated though as it sounds like her DH is "non-compliant" for some reason.
We know a couple with simiiar issues. A neighbor was so irritated by the door knob that would fall off that she got her tools and fixed it. We wondered if it was his reaction to a lifetime of his wife making requests and creating projects. She is known to volunteer him and everyone else for projects that she finds worthwhile and always has done this. She took care of the house and kids and he worked hard. Now that he is retired, well..................
Every couple is sure so different and the history of the person and the marriage can create all kinds of expectations.
Actually.....I do wonder if he has ADD which has gotten worse. I don't want to be mean to him if he can't help it. I'm just having trouble believing he can't help it.
BIL is the same way. I've always known it, but now that he's living with us, it's very clear and it can be frustrating. His mother always used to tell us "Xxx will do it if you tell him to.. you just have to tell him to." But we were never sure whether it was a chicken or an egg thing, since she infantilized him so severely, he never had a chance to be self-motivated.
However, his roommate skills leave a LOT to be desired. We mentioned that it would be nice if he could empty the garbage now and then, and so now, he'll announce when he's coming through the room with the garbage, "I'm taking out the garbage! It's full, so I'm taking out the garbage!" as if he thinks he deserves a medal.
I told him he could save a lot of money if he stopped going to the convenience store for coffee every morning, so now he drinks all the coffee I make. If I were a roommate, in return, I'd replace the half-and-half now and then, but it doesn't occur to him. If I say, "XXX, could you please pick up some half-and-half?" he'd say "oh, sure!" and he'd do it. We have to tell him when to mow the lawn--at HIS house. The patio is rampant with weeds. He's the one desperate to sell--doesn't he SEE the weeds??
Honestly, my kids were more mature when they were 12.
So, I share some of your frustration, Cathy... but in my case, it's more with my in-law.
Thanks for everyone's input.
I don't want to paint a pic of DH as a total jerk. He's generous (to a fault), and appears to try very hard at times to please me. For example, as I mentioned, he does a ton of dishes......even when I tell him I'll get them. He says "Well, it will be one less thing you have to do".....which is really sweet......but I'd rather he did other things that were more important. It's really hard to know if his brain is just.....different.....or he is passive-aggressive, or is just worn out from his business, or is just un-disciplined at home....or whatever. I just don't know.
I am pretty direct and try to be objective about my behavior. One thing is, he NEVER tells me what he's thinking/feeling about my requests/actions. I think he thinks those things are unkind. But don't we rely on those close to us to be the ones that will let us know when they think we're out of line or unfair? So.....I have no feedback as to how my own behavior is viewed. I remember one time I was seeing a therapist a long time ago, out of frustration with DH. She asked "What does he want/expect from you?" I told her that he said he just wants me to be nice. She asked "that's all???" So that's about as specific as he gets.
I loved my MIL. She was a great person. But when her kids were young, even though she showed them love, I think she was a real drill Sargent with them. I sometimes wonder if DH got used to her telling him what to do all the time? Then his brain might learn to let other people do that for him.??
In the height of my frustration I get really angry.......but then I feel really bad for him. I really think he's pedaling as fast as he can. I guess at this point, I should just accept it and know that nothing will change, unless I take the action and make it all happen. How does one accept that? .......especially at this age.........that life just didn't go the way we'd hoped..........that sometimes, you're in the foxhole all by yourself. I guess I need to appreciate what he does add to my life. I don't want to get in the habit of forgetting those things. How does one come to terms with unfulfilled dreams.....and living a life in a way that is constantly frustrating?
Oh Cathy, You sound so distressed and frustrated. I know it sounds easy to say just accept how he is and do what you need to do to make yourself happy with the house, no matter the cost of hiring out work and no matter how much you want DH to do it. we've been married 44 years, it took several years for me to accept that DH was not speedy. He was thorough and very slow to get started. I had a few snit fits and yelling, but the best way was to sit and say I am upset. I feel unappreciated but more importantly I want you to take over some chores. He is a perfectionist so doesn't want to start something unless he can finish it PERFECTLY...thus not much gets done. Once we retired, both from teaching, we settled in to a different routine. More traditional I guess, although he does much more cooking than he used to do. I do the laundry, social planning, we split calling repair people and setting it up. He mows marvelously, blows the snow, weed whacks the edges...I do the flower beds and we work well together on projects as long as I remember that he just takes longer to do things. So, long explanation, but what helped me was to accept his methods that are very different from mine. We do laugh a lot about how I go zooming off full bore and he thinks, and thinks and thinks, then does. Patience on both our parts has helped too. And I love him.
Being home most of the time, I've thought about what happens when DW retires in a couple of years. It will be an adjustment for both of us. I'm so used to having the house to myself (except for the bottomless pit of need that is our dog) that I don't even let others unload the dishwasher because I spend more time looking for where they put things than I save having someone do that task for me. I probably could work in my kitchen blindfolded because I know where everything is.
Both of us value our time alone. Fortunately for us, the house is big enough to indulge that. The kitchen is mine (sometimes a discussion point when she takes all the towels to wash them and doesn't leave any in their places). The laundry room is hers (sometimes a discussion point when I'm working on a project and I use that space). We negotiate our bedroom but we're mostly on the same page there. Each of us has our own room with a door which we can keep as we like it; the public areas stay (relatively) uncluttered.
The biggest thing I have to remember is that sometimes DW likes the place to herself. So on those days I'll make sure I do outside errands -- lawn work, maintenance, or even shopping and other errands. I'm hoping that remembering that becomes more automatic for both of us.
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