View Full Version : Sharing the work between spouses.
I thought I'd better stop whining on my other post and whine under a different title. hahaha
Just curious if you all are happy with the sharing of work with your spouse, that comes with owning a house and property?
I suppose we're all better at one thing than another, but sometimes, it seems to get lopsided.
I quit working outside the home a long time ago, when I had kids. Then when they were out of the house, I had some health issues. DH had a job that seemed to provide enough money, so I wasn't forced to find a job. I appreciated that.
For a long time, I pretty much raised the kids myself, while he struggled with a new business. He was a much bigger help when they got older.
I AM extremely grateful that I don't have to work at a job, but at what point should everything at home fall on me?
Even though both DH and I don't like interacting with service people, etc., I always did it. DH could live with with lots of things not working, or falling apart.
Should the person not holding down an outside job be responsible for everything else? DH does take care of the lawn and weeding......which is no small feat, considering how much property we have, but shouldn't the house matter too?
Yes, I could take care of it all, and call all the necessary service people........but shouldn't some of these things be shared? It would almost even be better if DH said "I know I should deal with such and such, but......" and give me a good reason, but he doesn't even talk about the problems. It would be different, too, if he would take part in calling the right people to fix things, but he insists on fixing them himself (when I force him to notice them)........and then he doesn't get to it.
I don't want to minimize that he's the bread-winner. I just wish he had more interest in the "infrastructure" here than he does.
So......are things fairly "fair" in your house, in terms of who does what? And do some of you feel that you have to be the "boss" who constantly has to direct others?
iris lilies
6-13-17, 12:30pm
Are things "fairly" divided here? Not really. dH does more, does things i have no clue how to do.
dH is a working fool, and he can cook, garden, can, and do other domestic chores like a fiend if he wants to. Neither of us are clean freaks, but I am more concerned about overall cleanliness of our space than he is so I do daily cleaning downstairs, the upstairs is seldom cleaned. He insists on keeping the old, filthy carpet there so thats on him to keep it cleaned. i will vacuum it occasionally.
He keeps cars serviced, lawns at various properties mowed, and all household systems working. He also does all bill paying and higher level financial manage,ent althought I am not very happy with the "higher level" adtions and we will be making some chamges along those lines.
I do 90% of pet care because I am the one who decides when we get another pet.
iris lilies
6-13-17, 12:32pm
I will say that It is remarkable how my spouse can also ignore stuff that doesnt work if he doesnt want to see it. We have a roof that has leaked for years. I suspect the only time it will be fixed is when he is dead or no longer the owner of this house.
He also doesnt take my word for it when something dowsnt work and granted, sometimes i am wrong! But not always.
I am thinking about your post, Cathy, and trying to formulate an answer, but it will take a little time. IL, I am curious, are the other properties you own rental properties? So is taking care of them working for income?
Cathy, my husband is definitely the same way with his tractor and hauling stuff around--he will do that for hours, and I can't quite figure out what the end result is supposed to be. But he will definitely overlook any problems in the house.
catherine
6-13-17, 12:41pm
My frustration is that I work and the housework is pretty much left to me, because he a) doesn't notice and b) when he does, he doesn't care. When I don't work, I don't really mind doing the clean-up because it's better than the alternative.
examples: I absolutely forbid him to wash my clothes because he puts everything in together and my black yoga pants come out with white towel lint. That's one example. Another--he wasn't feeling well the other day and spent the night sweating profusely in the bed. The next day I complained as I was going to bed that I forgot to put the clean sheets in the dryer. He said, "What?? You washed the sheets AGAIN?" (I had just washed them a few days prior). I said, "Yeah, they were covered in sweat!" He said, "But it dries!" :(. So, yes, Cathy, sometimes you have to lead them along a little.
But he's a great cook and he does the lawn mowing and runs errands. Plus he's great mechanically, and good at hiring repairmen.
I were entering into a situation with a newly-retired spouse, I would ask them to at least clean up after themselves.
I'd love to have a "wife" to do all the things I don't want to do--and they are legion.
I've gotten way worse about dealing with repair people, and this place shows it. But I'm going to have to get off the dime eventually, or die here--and I long to move.
Our agreement has been that whoever is home full time takes over the bulk of domestic responsibilities. Sometimes its been me, sometimes him. Currently, he's retired and I work at home, so I have more hours in the day now than when I was commuting a few hours a day. I do food shopping/outside errands and most of the cooking- he pretty much does the rest. When I was commuting, he also did most of the cooking during the week - although I had to do the planning, tell him what to make and often times how.
It took greater than 20 years however before I could consider him a real partner in this regard. I seethed with anger (occasionally erupting LOL) that I was carrying the major part of the load even though we were both working full time. He just didn't see it for one, and it wasn't important to him either. He would come home from work and retreat to his computer or the TV while I made dinner and then cleaned up. I kept waiting for him to realize it was inequitable. Never happened until he was laid off for a few years and then started to realize how much was involved in running a household.
Chicken lady
6-13-17, 12:49pm
When I was at home raiding and educating the kids, i had to be "the boss" I hated it. I couldn't do everything, so I had to delegate. Also, it's good for kids to learn to do stuff. My schedule was always very full and complex, do if someone was coming to do a thing and I had to be home, I had to schedule it. I did all the errands and any housework and cooking I couldn't get the kids to do.
Dh worked long hours he paid the bills (also as in he submitted payment) and kept track of the budget; kept my car, appliances, the electric, the plumbing, the house, and the lawn in good order; taught the kids piano from ages 5-7 (at 8 they got a "real" teacher), and "helped" when asked. When the kids were really little he also did all of the vacuuming. He was the church choir director for years and he insisted each kid join the choir as they got old enough, so there was a time when choir practice was my break. He did boyscouts with ds with minimal involvement from me (he camped and accepted troop leadership roles, I shopped and sewed on badges.) when we moved to the farm he also picked up bush hogging and snow plowing.
A lot of the time he spent with the kids was teaching them to do "his" stuff - electric work, plumbing, auto repair, lawn mowing, drywall, painting, and light construction both because he wanted them to have the skills and because he wanted to delegate the jobs.
he attended zero girls scout anything. I'm not sure he even remembers that the girls were scouts through grade 4. All three kids swam competitively for most of their childhoods - with meets that lasted all weekend and sometimes required overnight travel. You write the event numbers on your kid at each meet. He attended so few meets, that recently when we went to see a college meet he said "her next event is 31." And I said "it can't be." And he asked "why not? I said "girls events are even numbered." And he said "really?" He picked them up from practice after work sometimes, when practice was late and he wanted dinner ready.
we were heavily involved in 4h for 15 years. He helped with one woodworking project and attended one poultry auction and one alpaca show. (One event per kid). The youngest had one of her best friends and chief 4H rivals over last weekend and the young man saw my dh for the first time. He looked a little shocked, like "your mom is married, this is your dad?" shocked.
now the kids are gone and dh is the boss. I do most of the non-kid things I always did and some things I didn't do, and I work part time. Dh keeps track of what needs to be done and keeps me informed "can you vacuum the living room today?"," I'll cook dinner tonight if the kitchen is clean.", "you need to be home all day on the tenth for a delivery","I'm out of clean socks." He seems happy because all the things he really cares about get done. I am happy because I just do what he asks and what I want and don't worry about it.
everybody has their own system. You have to work it out with him (we had a rough time after the kids left when I felt put apon because I was trying to do all the things I thought were "my job" and he didn't appreciate all of them and got upset about stuff that wasn't done) but we had a conversation and fixed that - today I am making cookies. He thinks the house is clean enough. I think the house is clean enough. But he doesn't like to be out of cookies. On the flip side - my car will never be washed again. Neither of us cares.
Dh has always been a curious person. Why did I marry him? We won't go into that. But he's always been a curious person. In fact, even his sister and mother have said that even when little, he was the "Absent-minded professor". He is very intelligent, but has no common sense. I've heard this is common in really smart people. I've learned, even though it might take him a long time, he can fix things IF HE WANTS TO. But he never really wants to. I don't know if some men are like primitive men and only live to hunt (work), and come back to the cave and veg out.??
What's weird is I always wanted a man who would be in charge (even though I was always very independent).......but I married someone is soooooooo passive. I suppose some of his behavior wouldn't bother me as much if he would just admit to having it. I'm always wrong, according to him. And things have to get to the boiling point and me getting really mad, for him to change a little. He'll be mad too, then a couple days later he'll try harder to do things, but it doesn't last long.
He complains that I'm always changing the rules of the game........but in reality, I'm flexible and am able to reassess a situation and prioritize.
I guess I'm at the point of feeling like something might be wrong with his brain. I'm not sure how you know if someone is developing Alzheimers or if they are just curious people?
He says things wrong, has gotten pretty bad at communicating. I'm pretty good at communicating, but if I can't understand what he's trying to say, it's my deficiency (according to him.)
Okay.......I'm getting off the topic. But for those of you who have this problem (of having to think of everything).........doesn't it really get old, and it starts causing you to be angry all the time?
Teacher Terry
6-13-17, 1:08pm
This is my 3rd marriage and we lived together for 5 years before marrying. I knew all his faults. He doesn't clean because he would not if he lived alone. That is the way he was raised. I used to do his laundry but about 2 years ago I said enough-do it yourself. He grocery shops and does the fix it things and outside work. I have to nag him at times. I do everything else including bill paying and making the cars are serviced. However, I only cook if I want to. If not each man for themselves. I keep around plenty of easy stuff for when I don;t feel like cooking and we eat out 2x's/week. The pets are 100% mine because he did not want any unless I am gone and then he will gladly step in. My 2nd husband did a lot more then me but was so obsessive that it was very annoying and he was verbally abusive so I will take a slob that treats me well over that anytime.
iris lilies
6-13-17, 1:46pm
I am thinking about your post, Cathy, and trying to formulate an answer, but it will take a little time. IL, I am curious, are the other properties you own rental properties? So is taking care of them working for income?
Cathy, my husband is definitely the same way with his tractor and hauling stuff around--he will do that for hours, and I can't quite figure out what the end result is supposed to be. But he will definitely overlook any problems in the house.
No, our extra properties (we are down to one parcel that has two small houses) are our garden space. After fixing up the exteriors of these houses, we wont do any more and they are not habitable.
I figure I've done my fair share to shore up that neighborhood by makng the exteriors look decent. We have a whole lot more invested in them than we will ever get back, and that is ok. The garden space is worth it.
When I was home full time with the kids for a decade I considered everything my job at home - because that seemed fair to me. Husband jumped in when able, but even with kids ages 1, 3, and 6 I often did the outside work in addition to the inside work.
I considered it a huge privilege to be supported financially so I could be home. I felt I had the easier job as he was putting in 60-70 hour work weeks.
And now that I'm working full time plus overtime these last two decades, I still believe that I had it easier than him. It's exhausting to work a 40 hour week and then come home to more work.
And absent minded me should address the last two decades when we both worked! It ebbed and flowed depending upon who was working more. He tended toward 30 hour weeks and I toward 50 hour weeks. I like to do laundry and clean. I don't like to shop or cook. I thought that division of labor would work. But alas he does not value regular shopping and cooking so unless I specifically delegated it each then it didn't get done.
I was frustrated at times. Then I learned to care less. It helped that the kids left home and we could each fend for ourselves for meals if needed.
He will never see the dirt or the details the way that I do. But then I will never be as assertive with repair people for house and car as he is. So it all balances out if you look at the whole 36 years we've been married.
For most of our married life, we have both been at work so house stuff was equally shared. I have always been the arranger and paper pusher though. I tend to think that if one partner is at home full time than they should be responsible for the lion's share of managing house stuff. But it would bother me is if DH showed no interest in either keeping the house clean and/or repaired. I really can't complain. He cooks, cleans and fixes most everything that comes up. But he doesn't do laundry since he has no since about what to wash together. Now that we are both retired and bought a house needing all kinds of repairs (that was dumb!), we are both equally busy bees or it won't get done.
Some people worry about the woman if the husband dies. In my case, I think DH would be totally lost. He hasn't a clue how I pay all the bills, how the furnace works, who to call for anything. I fear if I die, he would become an alcoholic and become bankrupt, just by not knowing to pay bills, and being much too free with his money.....even when times are bad at his business.
I make great meals for him all the time and he thanks me many times all evening.........but then will totally overlook broken things or being interested in my illness. He's a strange guy. But I can't lose sight of the fact that I haven't had to work. That I was sooooooo fortunate to be a stay-at-home-mom.......and then didn't have to work while I was so ill for so many years.
He's OCD and takes a med for it....but he's come down on it for awhile (not off), but I wonder if some of his behavior isn't OCD related. Sometimes I can't get him to stop doing dishes. Even at holiday family get-togethers, he keeps doing dishes..........even right after he yelled at the younger generation for not helping with the dishes. Most electrical outlets in the barn don't register as having grounding, some of the overhead wood has rotted and is falling down, our well water has many times been full of coliform, but he never worries about chlorinating the well......so I do it myself, or force him to help. Sorry, but I just need to vent. I'm just so frustrated. I realize I'm not the greatest spouse, but he will never bring anything up that bothers him about me. That has to fester and cause him problems........But when something bothers him.......he just shuts it out. And being a non-social person, maybe I expect him to fulfill too many of my needs. But still.........it would be nice for him to be engaged more.. His brain is definitely curious. I honestly don't know if I should be concerned about him in that respect. One time he got a little strange and I asked his sister (who works for him at his business), to keep her eye on him and let me know if she notices anything........but all the siblings stand by each other, no matter what......even if they need help, the others will refuse to see any problem. Sigh..............
Ultralight
6-13-17, 5:55pm
I thought the point of a marriage was to get the other person to do all the work if at all possible.
I thought the point of a marriage was to get the other person to do all the work if at all possible.
Ha, UA!!
I think my hubs and I have a pretty work-able situation. He is semi-retired and I still work up to 50 hr/wk.
He does the bulk of the cooking and grocery shopping.
He does the lawn mowing. I do the weeding, planting. I do all the freezing/preserving. He does the butchery-meat freezing.
We have split duties on bill-paying.
I do all the housework, i.e., vacuuming, dusting, laundry, floors, bathroom, etc.
We do home repairs together. For example, if the house needs painting, if left to him, it would never be done, but if we do it together, then it does. There are several tasks that we do together because he either doesn't want to do them, or he doesn't feel confident enough to do them alone. He's not the most handy guy, but if we do something together, he doesn't mind doing them.
No complaints really, except I hate vacuuming, especially the time it takes, hence the robotic vacuum thread elsewhere here in the forum.
Ultralight
6-13-17, 6:45pm
This is an interesting thread, in all seriousness.
When I was married I would always do half the housework. Now I do all my own housework and it is considerably less than the half I used to do! Explain that!
ToomuchStuff
6-13-17, 6:47pm
I thought the point of a marriage was to get the other person to do all the work if at all possible.
No wonder your looking for a spouse.:idea:
I have a husband much like IL's husband, I think. He can fix almost anything and has done things like jack up the barn and stabilize the foundation. He was just out forking the compost and now he's in playing a sonata on the piano. He makes the best coffee I have ever tasted in my life. He has worked some sh*tty jobs so we could have health insurance, including being an over the road truck driver, even though he has a masters degree in piano performance. He is an awesome listener and we have more fun together than I have ever had with another human being. We laugh a lot. He cooks breakfast.
I would say these are the reasons I love him but that's not true, I fell in love with him at first sight, which was very weird, but true.
Oh well. I'm just lucky, I guess.
Wow Tybee.......you ARE lucky, and I'm happy for you!!
I have a husband much like IL's husband, I think. He can fix almost anything and has done things like jack up the barn and stabilize the foundation. He was just out forking the compost and now he's in playing a sonata on the piano. He makes the best coffee I have ever tasted in my life. He has worked some sh*tty jobs so we could have health insurance, including being an over the road truck driver, even though he has a masters degree in piano performance. He is an awesome listener and we have more fun together than I have ever had with another human being. We laugh a lot. He cooks breakfast.
I would say these are the reasons I love him but that's not true, I fell in love with him at first sight, which was very weird, but true.
Oh well. I'm just lucky, I guess.
What a nice tribute, Tybee!
Fair? I don't know what Fair is. We are equally satisfied with our division of duties.
I would suggest that you DO in fact work. Your job is to maintain home. If you're going to make it fair, your job should have equal hours to his job. If it takes more hours than that, then you split those remaining hours into task "units" to equalize the total workload of each of you.
You are a breadwinner defacto because you maintain home. If you didn't do that there would be an out-of-pocket cost to have it all done.
BikingLady
6-14-17, 12:18pm
After so. so , many years of bliss;) The line of thought is If I can not do it, hire it done. He used to swing a mean hammer, now he swings the golf club.
iris lilies
6-14-17, 1:00pm
I think of what I would do if DH died, and I probably wouldnt stay here a very long time. even though our house is not large, under 2,000 sq feet. Although from the 1880's it has been gutted and renovated, it still requires maintenance that I am just not interested in.
you can hire the big stuff done, but the little handyman stuff, that is hard to get someone to do.
Chicken lady
6-14-17, 2:57pm
My dad used to say he was going to do the "handyman" stuff, but mostly he started projects or took things apart, and got to a sticking point or lost interest.
every year he took a solo vacation to Montana to fish with his best friend for a week. One year, my mom had had it. She called the construction company (small business) that built our house and said "John, could I hire your crew to come out for one day and fix all the stuff (dh) hasn't gotten to?" And the guy said "sure!" When dad got back from Montana, the French doors were up and the steps were safe, and the shelf was installed over the fireplace, and the torn linoleum was replaced... It took him two weeks, and then he noticed the French doors.
mom made a standing date with the construction crew.
My dad used to say he was going to do the "handyman" stuff, but mostly he started projects or took things apart, and got to a sticking point or lost interest.
every year he took a solo vacation to Montana to fish with his best friend for a week. One year, my mom had had it. She called the construction company (small business) that built our house and said "John, could I hire your crew to come out for one day and fix all the stuff (dh) hasn't gotten to?" And the guy said "sure!" When dad got back from Montana, the French doors were up and the steps were safe, and the shelf was installed over the fireplace, and the torn linoleum was replaced... It took him two weeks, and then he noticed the French doors.
mom made a standing date with the construction crew.
haha, great story, Chicken lady!
Yeah, it would be great to have a "handy man" on retainer. hahaha
Teacher Terry
6-14-17, 6:14pm
If I could not get my DH to do stuff around the house I would hire a handyman and that is what i would do if I were you Cathy. When my husband was working f.t. out of town there was a bunch of little things not done so I hired one to do them all.
Hiring a handyman is easier than it sounds. We can't do it all with the house we just bought and trying to find anyone who wants to do smaller stuff is really hard. Or they say they are coming and never show up. In the end, we just do it ourselves just to get it done.
I actually think DH is having depression and this is how he handles it. I think he should go up on his antidepressant, but he thinks he's fine. I know his job takes a lot out of him. I fix him a nice dinner, and by around 7-8, he's in bed watching a movie or reading. Maybe I could slip more of the medicine in his supper? ;)
If he is taking an antidepressant, and is suddenly wanting to go to be earlier, it would definitely be a good idea for him to go to the doctor and get checked out a bit, right?
He's a curious guy. If he doesn't have to work outside (which he is amazing at along with his stamina, and how much he can do outside), he tends to take a nap or 2 on his day off, or in winter. He can fall asleep faster than anyone! I think his mental stress is relieved by sleeping. Mine, on the other hand, keeps me from sleeping. He would refuse to go up on his med. Who knows. It's really hard to know how much is just emotional/mental and how much might be depression. He's never really very direct about much of anything, so I have to guess a lot. His siblings are the same way.
Never, never add any meds without his knowledge or consent. He owns his behaviour. If it is affecting you then deal with your options to respond.
Cathy, I say this in the kindest way that I can but don't know another way of asking if you realize that your posts indicate, to me anyway - you need to be upset about something all the time. Why?
Somebody help me phrase this question better please.
LOL razz........I would never give him meds without his consent! I was joking about that.
I'll have to check my posts. I know the 2 recently about DH displayed my being upset, but I'll have to check the others. But....I've been upset since I was born. It's a long story. But I believe I have many other posts that are fine.
I never got the housework distributed evenly. In my marriage I did most of it despite being the one who worked outside the home. My husband could not even handle raising one child full-time. He was on meds also, and slept a lot. So my son went to daycare half days. And I was resentful.
In one subsequent relationship I cohabited and it was not evenly split then, but it did not bother me. I tried to follow the line from the Andy Gibb song, "Give a little more than you're asking for and your love will surely grow." However it annoyed the hell out of my then adult son who felt the guy was taking advantage of me and the relationship broke up over blended family and some other issues.
My parents just celebrated their 55th anniversary and they have a good system. Since they are both workaholics they each do as much as they can all day long, defer to each other's strengths, and end each day enjoying conversation while one washes and the other dries and puts away the dishes. They do NOT want a dishwasher machine.
As irritated as I get with DH, we talk a lot about various things. When we go out to eat, seems like other couples our age just eat and don't talk. We talk constantly.......so that's good. He can really absorb things he reads (like the news), so he helps me understand some things, since I have trouble reading much.
There are all kinds of relationships.........and we all come from different pasts and have different needs. It's amazing some relationships can last a lifetime, and be healthy. I'm happy for those people.
"There are all kinds of relationships.........and we all come from different pasts and have different needs. It's amazing some relationships can last a lifetime, and be healthy. I'm happy for those people."
People have to WANT to be happy. When you're unhappy, talk it out. Come to a mutually satisfying agreement. Every day is not a happy face day. Every day is NOT perfect, but overall the year can be fabulous anyway. 37th anniversary is next Wednesday. ;) We didn't get here complaining about each other, we talk to each other.
"There are all kinds of relationships.........and we all come from different pasts and have different needs. It's amazing some relationships can last a lifetime, and be healthy. I'm happy for those people."
People have to WANT to be happy. When you're unhappy, talk it out. Come to a mutually satisfying agreement. Every day is not a happy face day. Every day is NOT perfect, but overall the year can be fabulous anyway. 37th anniversary is next Wednesday. ;) We didn't get here complaining about each other, we talk to each other.
I think married life ebbs and flows, and you have to tread water when the tide is out. There is a fantastic little-known movie, Summer Solstice, with Henry Fonda and Myrna Loy about a old couple reminiscing on their marriage and the point I took away when I saw this movie (and I probably had only been married a few years at the time) was that marriages are messy and rarely plod along on a steady course. Now that I have been married 40 years (and congrats to you, Gardnr!) I see the wisdom in that. You have to embrace the bumps as well as the smooth sailing or you'll wind up bitter.
People have to WANT to be happy. When you're unhappy, talk it out. Come to a mutually satisfying agreement. Every day is not a happy face day. Every day is NOT perfect, but overall the year can be fabulous anyway. 37th anniversary is next Wednesday. ;) We didn't get here complaining about each other, we talk to each other.
Who doesn't WANT to be happy? I totally agree about when you're unhappy, talk it out. But that doesn't work so well when only one person wants to talk it out.
I am divorced and sharing the work was a big issue. Not so much when I was home but when I was starting to work outside again. My ex was basically raised by wolves and I could not comprehend what he was not capable of. He was truly not capable of making a meal with several components at a reasonable time. With a lot of distance I can have some empathy, but in the middle of it. It was simply too much work. However my youngest lives with me and we are very compatible. We both like to cook and get dishes done within 2 days. Big cooking projects take us a few days. With his sisters the basic cleaning up was a huge battle, but T is very easy to work with.
Not about couples actually,
I think everyone marries for a different reason. Some of them might be "unhealthy" reasons.........but their pasts have led them to make the decisions they've made. Everyone is so different in respect to wants/needs/expectations. And when a relationship is fairly young, we might get our needs met, but as the years go by, needs/expectations/wants change. Sometimes we just grow apart. Sometimes people finally get their fill of certain failings on the other person's part.
A certain relationship by some might work out totally well, whereas the same type of relationship with others, wouldn't.
My mother needed a leader, and my father needed a follower.......because of their pasts. But after years of my father being a dictator, my mother divorced him......even though she was weak and tolerated him for most of their lives together.
Some leader/follower relationships work. Some don't. It would be great if everyone always made healthy choices.......but that's never going to happen.
I married him for deep conversations I think, philosophical, spiritual, over thinking a lot of fascinating stuff. However the day to day things like limits and structure wire it all down. Our last conversation was kinda deep, and the last child support late and the wrong amount.
Oh....and I know some of you are thinking this.......yes, I'm the leader and DH is the follower. But I'm NO WHERE the dictator that my father was. And I don't keep my head in the sand like my mother.........but I may have watched my mother's helplessness and have some of that in myself. I have done very strong/brave things in my life......not knowing any other way to be, since I never really had much support from my parents.....but I do wonder if it's been a cover-up of my helpless feelings.
Okay........I'm rambling I guess. I like thinking about things and what caused them..........
I appreciate you all letting me go on and share my feelings.
iris lilies
6-16-17, 11:25am
There's nothing wrong with taking ownership for being "the leader" so why skirt that?
I am "the leader" in our house, although I will bet that DH would argue that because we are both competitive :) But I think of him as being extremely flexible and open to most things, not as a "follower." . I say " hey let's do this" and he is agreeable most times. oTOH there are a few things about which he will not budge, and so be it. i dont try to change that.
There are plenty of things we disagree about, mostly small stuff. The arc of our lives, the overarching tragectory, is determined by me because I have specific ideas of what I want. Examples are: live in a city, dont have children, have an endless stream of bulldogs, grab garden space when we can because we will use it.
Our current travel plans to Europe were set by me, he is happy to go anywhere. Bit he is also very independant and will do this own thing, always motivated to "do" and achieve. Last year he went to Switzerland with his sister to see relatives, and this year they are going again, withh more members of his side of the family. He and I are meeting up in Prague and then will go to Romania.
catherine
6-16-17, 11:32am
Our current travel plans to Europe were set by me, he is happy to go anywhere. Bit he is also very independant and will do this own thing, always motivated to "do" and achieve. Last year he went to Switzerland with his sister to see relatives, and this year they are going again, withh more members of his side of the family. He and I are meeting up in Prague and then will go to Romania.
Smart man, following you! That trip sounds awesome!
Teacher Terry
6-16-17, 1:20pm
If I had lived with either of my first 2 husband's I would not have married them. The third we did for 5 1/2 years so I went into it with my eyes wide open. For me the good way outweighs the bad. Husband number 2 was a dictator and as soon as my youngest was 18 I was gone. My DH is very flexible and normally easy going which is how I am. I do most of the planning for fun things but do not mind at all. Since retiring we have tripled up on the fun things:)) Also we have the energy to be spontaneous. Last night he suggested going to the farmer's market so we went.
Who doesn't WANT to be happy? I totally agree about when you're unhappy, talk it out. But that doesn't work so well when only one person wants to talk it out.
People who stay in an unhappy place do not want to be happy. We each make choices. Being unhappy is a choice too.
And i know lots of people who would say it's not that simple, but in fact it IS that simple. I work with a man who stays in a miserable r/t because he would "lose too much money in a divorce" his words. THAT is a choice to be unhappy. He is very simplistic and his wife is very materialistic. But he chooses wealth over happiness.
I understand what you are saying about "choices". But, at least in my reality, there ARE factors that make it harder to choose something different. The fact that I might accept the choices I've made, and take responsibility for them, doesn't mean I will be happy all the time. We must agree to disagree about the ".....people who stay in an unhappy place do not want to be happy" part. In these situations, one must try to maximize those things that they find happiness in, while accepting their choices.
Also, a person's choices have effects on others. Being happy one's self is connected to lots of other people/factors.
Just curious Gardnr......are you male or female? Are you married? Do you have children?
Yeah, I got hung up on the "people who stay in an unhappy place do not want to be happy" statement. Family relationships can be affected by such things as mental illness, Alzheimers, chronic health problems--it can be pretty unhappy living with someone with Alzheimers, but I would not say you chose to be unhappy by being in that situation.
Just curious Gardnr......are you male or female? Are you married? Do you have children?
Not sure why it matters what my gender, marital status and parental status might be.
As I said earlier, married 37 years. Female-never gave birth. Dad died of cancer when I was young. Mom died of cancer when I was in my 40s. I took care of Mom along with little sister for the 7week journey to death on Dec 23. Oldest brother committed suicide 6w before Dad died. BIL died unexpectedly when older sister was just 57-quite a shock and I went to be with her when he was hospitalized. Depression runs in my family-3 of my siblings. I stepped up and had lots counseling and life work to get and stay healthy through it all to come out on this end of it all with my sanity and happiness intact.
Thought I should share some life hurdles as I'm being given the feeling that i live a fantasy life without any real life happenings.
So yes, I think happiness is a choice, accepting life circumstances and working through them and taking them in stride as part of life growth s a choice. Leaving or staying is a choice. Talking things out to mutual satisfaction is a choice. Relationships take effort and complaining while not taking any action to change is also a choice. It's a choice I don't support. My opinion.
Not sure why it matters what my gender, marital status and parental status might be.
As I said earlier, married 37 years. Female-never gave birth. Dad died of cancer when I was young. Mom died of cancer when I was in my 40s. I took care of Mom along with little sister for the 7week journey to death on Dec 23. Oldest brother committed suicide 6w before Dad died. BIL died unexpectedly when older sister was just 57-quite a shock and I went to be with her when he was hospitalized. Depression runs in my family-3 of my siblings. I stepped up and had lots counseling and life work to get and stay healthy through it all to come out on this end of it all with my sanity and happiness intact.
Thought I should share some life hurdles as I'm being given the feeling that i live a fantasy life without any real life happenings.
So yes, I think happiness is a choice, accepting life circumstances and working through them and taking them in stride as part of life growth s a choice. Leaving or staying is a choice. Talking things out to mutual satisfaction is a choice. Relationships take effort and complaining while not taking any action to change is also a choice. It's a choice I don't support. My opinion.
Well expressed Gardnr. May I add that if one sees his/herself as a victim, it is a choice. It is our response to life's circumstances that determines our happiness. Do we want the circumstances to be different or our response to be different in order to be happy? Gardnr chose a different response to bad circumstances. People around the world are living under circumstances that now as in the past are horrendous but many find a happiness with a response to family, beauty, community...
You 2 are making a huge assumption about my happiness. Yes, I'm not extremely happy with my relationship with my DH, but I have lots of other things that make me happy. I have incredibly wonderful kids, I live in the woods, which I love, I have a huge love of nature, and enjoy many other things. And I, too, have been through some pretty bad events in my life that I won't talk about here. You've taken 2 recent posts I started about sharing the work with a spouse, and another one concerning my DH. I just don't understand how this can be considered being a victim, or being totally unhappy about everything in my life. Plus, I don't think life is all about "happiness" all the time.
I am having some struggles with DH right now and was hoping I could hear from others and vent a little. I could have sworn others have done this here.. Please don't make these 2 posts of mine into my being a victim or a need "to be upset" all the time. I'm really fairly confused and disappointed by this reaction.
Sorry, Cathy, that post was not intended to judge you in any way. I thought from the comments it was developing into a discussion about what constitutes happiness. Threads deviate from the original thought all the time .
I have often thought of your joy in nature based on the photos that you so generously share.
You 2 are making a huge assumption about my happiness. Yes, I'm not extremely happy with my relationship with my DH, but I have lots of other things that make me happy. I have incredibly wonderful kids, I live in the woods, which I love, I have a huge love of nature, and enjoy many other things. And I, too, have been through some pretty bad events in my life that I won't talk about here. You've taken 2 recent posts I started about sharing the work with a spouse, and another one concerning my DH. I just don't understand how this can be considered being a victim, or being totally unhappy about everything in my life. Plus, I don't think life is all about "happiness" all the time.
I am having some struggles with DH right now and was hoping I could hear from others and vent a little. I could have sworn others have done this here.. Please don't make these 2 posts of mine into my being a victim or a need "to be upset" all the time. I'm really fairly confused and disappointed by this reaction.
Teacher Terry
6-18-17, 12:53pm
Anyone that has been in a long term relationship realizes that it ebbs and flows. Sometimes you adore your partner and other times not so much:)) When a friend of mine got early Alzheimer's in her fifties her DH kept her home and took care of her. MOst the time they were still happy and sometimes he would lose his patience which is normal. We still did normal things with them like vacations, dinner out, inviting them to parties, etc. She did not end up in a home until her DH's cancer got so bad that he needed care. All of this is a part of life. Cathy, I don't think you are miserable at all. I think you are just in a down spot that we all have on occasion.
rosarugosa
6-19-17, 6:46am
I think successful division of labor is a huge factor in creating & maintaining a happy relationship, but nobody ever writes poems or songs about it. I'm not so sure "fair" has much to do with it though; as we've always heard, life isn't fair. I work full-time plus, probably 55 hrs per week on average. DH works part-time at 25 hours per week. He does all the cooking, and errands. He does most of the cat care (food and litter boxes) and some of the laundry. He mows the lawn. I do all the house cleaning, book-keeping and bill paying. I do most of the yard work other than mowing. I do a lot of laundry too (so much laundry for 2 people!) I schedule appointments, research purchases, keep track of inventory, etc. I clean the closets, wash the windows, change bedding seasonally, and handle most of those minor household projects. He drives me into work (now 3 days per week). I do not like to drive so he does most of the driving.
DH has a few health issues going on, so he doesn't feel well most of the time. I am so fortunate as to feel fine almost all of the time. Our division of labor works well for us and I guess that is the bottom line.
(Disclosure: I did not read all six pages of this thread)
When I left work, the deal was that DW would be the breadwinner as long as she needed to be and I would take care of the house. I already did the "outside" stuff and the "computer" stuff and the financial tasks and a lot of the cooking. But then it all became mine; the only tasks DW has continued have been clothes washing (she enjoys it; I think it's a repetitive bore) and sewing (sosume, there's one domestic skill I did not pick up lol).
Both of us think we got the better of the deal. DW enjoys going to work and working, not having to figure out the logistics of dropping off the car for maintenance or how she can run to the P.O. when it's open. I'm happy to wash the dishes without having some One-Minute Manager hovering over me asking me how much dish soap I think I'll use in 2018.
We do run into each other at times; DW and I had some discussions about how she sometimes has to break her promise to be home for dinner at 6 because something came up at work. And DW is quite forgetful and can forget between cutting something at the kitchen counter and finishing that task to put the knife in the sink. I don't pretend to understand how that can happen. *shrug* That "clean up after yourself" thing applies, IMHO, is what adults do even if someone has chosen to do "all" the cleaning, etc.
This is what works for us.
My frustration is that I work and the housework is pretty much left to me, because he a) doesn't notice and b) when he does, he doesn't care. When I don't work, I don't really mind doing the clean-up because it's better than the alternative.
examples: I absolutely forbid him to wash my clothes because he puts everything in together and my black yoga pants come out with white towel lint. That's one example. Another--he wasn't feeling well the other day and spent the night sweating profusely in the bed. The next day I complained as I was going to bed that I forgot to put the clean sheets in the dryer. He said, "What?? You washed the sheets AGAIN?" (I had just washed them a few days prior). I said, "Yeah, they were covered in sweat!" He said, "But it dries!" :(. So, yes, Cathy, sometimes you have to lead them along a little.
But he's a great cook and he does the lawn mowing and runs errands. Plus he's great mechanically, and good at hiring repairmen.
I were entering into a situation with a newly-retired spouse, I would ask them to at least clean up after themselves.
Thank your lucky stars. My husband used to "inspect" my dishes after I washed them. Finally, I got fed up with him rewashing them and he took to sneaking around after I went to bed to do it. Now expand this into EVERYTHING I do, whether it is wash the clothes, or cook a meal or clean the toilet, I cannot EVER get it right. And, he must invariably re do it.
Finally, I stopped doing everything. I couldn't stand the pressure of being raked over the coals constantly for the most infintesimal things. I told him if he didn't like the way I did something he could "damn well" do it himself.
Now, he does.
Williamsmith
2-5-18, 7:41am
Well, since enota rebooted this thread, I’m a decent housekeeper. For several reasons. I like cooking my own food, I like to keep the place clean and I’m a bit Monk like about it. I have things I do every day of the week spread out so everything gets done once a week. I don’t mind shopping and I don’t mind doing the finances. In fact, all that my wife has to do is work as long as she wants to. When she retires, there will be changes no doubt but for now we have fallen into a very useful agreement. It’s a totally different life than I lived for over fifty years and I like that.
I pretty much do what I want when I want and how I want. Now who could bitch about that?
I pretty much do what I want when I want and how I want. Now who could bitch about that?
Preach, Williamsmith!
ToomuchStuff
2-5-18, 10:36am
I couldn't stop laughing because enota's comment, just made me think of bedroom speak that ends in yourself.:laff:
dado potato
2-6-18, 12:36am
I think Non Violent Communication helps. (Based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg)
When the communication is working, the division of labor is based on voluntary commitments and requests. I believe people can be happier when they do more of what they want (meeting their needs), and less of what they don't want (activity that does nothing to meet their salient needs). If nobody needs sharp knives, we can give the knife-sharpening activity a rest.
A colleague of mine years ago was feeling like she did more than her fair share of household chores. Her partner thought he did more work than she did.
So she and her partner kept a log of hours spent and what was done.
It turned out they were fairly even on hours. A nice benefit of the exercise was that each learned about chores the other did each didn't notice or think about. So each gained more of an appreciation of the other.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.