View Full Version : Impermanence and Families
Because I have 4 glorious weeks off in July (!!) I've planned a couple of trips up to CT to see my favorite aunts. There are 3 women in my life (in addition to my mother and MIL) who have shaped me and inspired me. They are my father's two sisters and my father's brother's first wife. These 3 women are so remarkable for their class, poise, intelligence, wisdom and beauty. They are all older now. Two are over 90 and my Aunt N is in her late 80s.
So I just spoke to my cousin, Aunt N's son, to arrange a visit. Aunt N had a 50+ year marriage to my uncle, who died of Alzheimer's a couple of years ago. Aunt N has slipped a little in terms of cognitive abilities, and she had a couple of procedures so her son, my cousin, took her to live with him and his wife and two children. He told me that they just closed on Aunt N's house.
I was compelled to look up that house on Zillow that I've been to many, many times, and when I saw the pictures, I really got misty. In particular, Aunt N had built on a lovely little dining porch to her house. The last time I visited her and sat there she was still grieving over the loss of Uncle J and we sat and talked over tea and cookies. That visit had been VERY impromptu. I had been in Boston on business and decided to drive home from Boston to NJ, so on my way down 95 in CT I called her and asked if she was free. I'm so glad I did.
Change is so certain in life, and these moments remind me that you can't do enough to connect with people you love. My son who came to visit this past weekend is huge on that, and he makes it a practice to text and call and arrange visits. Family is everything to him. I need to take his lead a little more.
So I'm going to see Aunt N next week, and I'm hoping to see Aunt M as well, who also has health issues. She's now over 90 but up until a couple of years ago she was taking nature hikes and birding with people decades younger. She spoke in front of Congress on environmental issues. And then I'll also try to see Aunt J who took me in when my parents were on benders. She's also over 90, but just as sweet as ever.
In just a short amount of time, that generation will be lost to me, and I'll really, really miss these three women and I can only hope to live up to them for my children and grandchildren.
That's wonderful, catherine! And it's great you can still get together with so many of your forebears. I hope you enjoy the visits.
We got news over the weekend that a cousin of mine would be taken off life support Monday (yesterday). Long story on why I don't know this woman well while I know her sisters and brothers fairly well (given distance, etc.). But I've been thinking of driving (about 500 miles) for the funeral, not so much for my closure but because it's a time for family to be together before there are none of us left. I figured out the other day that, of two brothers who married two sisters (cutting dozens of inlaws and outlaws out of the mix), there were eight kids, only one of whom had children "naturally". I married into a daughter and one brother fosters several kids. But it's not hard to see the end of the line is coming soon for our family. We should grab every opportunity we get.
Dad just turned 90 yesterday, his sister is 91. They still remember things from bygone years, not just family history but how the world was at various times over the decades. My uncle who served in WWII passed away two years ago at the age of 92, I remember feeling that it wasn't just my uncle who passed but someone who directly experienced a major event of his generation. My nephews who are now 18 and 16, sat down with him a couple of years before he died, hearing about his experiences, making a time that was before their time, seem more real and not just something in a history book.
Dad just turned 90 yesterday, his sister is 91. They still remember things from bygone years, not just family history but how the world was at various times over the decades. My uncle who served in WWII passed away two years ago at the age of 92, I remember feeling that it wasn't just my uncle who passed but someone who directly experienced a major event of his generation. My nephews who are now 18 and 16, sat down with him a couple of years before he died, hearing about his experiences, making a time that was before their time, seem more real and not just something in a history book.
Did they record the conversation?
I have this weird sense of responsibility and sadness over the fact that one of my deceased aunts (I had some pretty awesome aunts!) never had any children. I was her "child" every summer on the beach. I'm the only one left who knows HER, and remembers her exactly the way she was in all her goodness. When I'm gone, she will be gone. It doesn't seem fair to me. I've talked about her with my kids, but that's not the same.
When I was decluttering last week I came across a bunch of Youth's Companion and Field and Stream stories that her husband had written and had published and I was tempted to throw them out, but again, I am the keeper of his memory, too, with no other family alive, and it just didn't seem right to "toss him out." So his stories will sit there in my desk for a while more.
I know it seems very weird, but if only we had had Facebook back then. There would be some history, some memories saved. But Aunt Florence and Uncle Edwin are now just a headstone and one person's memory.
Did they record the conversation?
I don't think so, but my cousins have maintained all my uncle's correspondence from WWII, they have every single letter.
He didn't talk about his wartime experiences until very late in life, he came home from the war with injuries and for many years refused to talk about it. However sometime around the age of 80, he started opening up about it.
Chicken lady
7-18-17, 4:22pm
When I married my dh he had three amazing uncles. I credit them for much that is good in him. We lost one young to a heart attack. A second, who was a pediatrician and served as both a security blanket and cheer leader for me the entire time I was raising my kids is now experiencing some major health issues. They have started causing cognitive decline and he was recently removed from the liver transplant list because his doctors no longer believe he would survive the transplant. He still plans to attend my son's wedding in September. He is barely into his 70's and my heart is breaking at the thought that we will lose him soon.
Wonderful that you are going to connect. My sister and I looked at each other after our mom's passing in May and realized, "We are now the elders." All the aunties and uncles are gone.
awakenedsoul
7-18-17, 4:53pm
It's great that you're going to see them. I had a wonderful aunt growing up who made a huge difference in my love. We all adored her. I saw her before she died, too. It's so important. Have a wonderful visit. It sounds like this may be the last one.
Such a cliche, but it takes a village to raise a child. It's so nice to know that Steve, saguaro, Chicken lady, Kay, and awakened soul know exactly what I'm talking about!
I teared up reading your post, Catherine. I am so glad you are getting to see your aunts. My favorite aunt died last year. I had meant to drive down to Georgia to see her, and then she was gone.
My favorite movie is Avalon. It is all about what you are talking about here--if you have not seen it, do so.
Did they record the conversation?
I have this weird sense of responsibility and sadness over the fact that one of my deceased aunts (I had some pretty awesome aunts!) never had any children. I was her "child" every summer on the beach. I'm the only one left who knows HER, and remembers her exactly the way she was in all her goodness. When I'm gone, she will be gone. It doesn't seem fair to me. I've talked about her with my kids, but that's not the same.
When I was decluttering last week I came across a bunch of Youth's Companion and Field and Stream stories that her husband had written and had published and I was tempted to throw them out, but again, I am the keeper of his memory, too, with no other family alive, and it just didn't seem right to "toss him out." So his stories will sit there in my desk for a while more.
I know it seems very weird, but if only we had had Facebook back then. There would be some history, some memories saved. But Aunt Florence and Uncle Edwin are now just a headstone and one person's memory.
I don't know that you have to feel bad about this. Dh and I have chosen not to have kids so we know that we won't have that legacy or whatever it's called. But I think that is so much a human construct. Every being has their time on the planet, and then every being leaves the planet. It's the natural cycle, even for trees that live hundreds of years. I find it comforting. We are all part of this flowing cycle of life.
I think just enjoying the memories you have of those you've loved is the best tribute you can give them.
I don't know that you have to feel bad about this. Dh and I have chosen not to have kids so we know that we won't have that legacy or whatever it's called. But I think that is so much a human construct. Every being has their time on the planet, and then every being leaves the planet. It's the natural cycle, even for trees that live hundreds of years. I find it comforting. We are all part of this flowing cycle of life.
I think just enjoying the memories you have of those you've loved is the best tribute you can give them.
Thanks, Geila. I know that intellectually, but I just wish everyone could have experienced my aunt. On Mother's Day I always create a Facebook tribute to all my "mothers." I guess I need to focus on the "interbeing" of relationships. A big part of my aunts live in me and I pray I've passed a little of that on to my kids.
I love the connected-need you describe, catherine. I never had it growing up. My parents came here from England, so my circle of relatives in the USA was just mom, dad , brother and me. I met other relations like grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins in small snippets of visits "back home". Now that mom is 92, she feels their loss very deeply. As she sees me surround myself with family and friends, I think there's some yearning for what could have been. But like many immigrants, they came for a better life and achieved it.
rosarugosa
7-19-17, 12:30pm
I am definitely investing my energy into making some connections happen this year. I'm trying to plan a trip to Maine with my mother, husband and sister to visit a cousin who means a lot to us but we haven't seen in quite awhile. He and Mom are in their eighties, first cousins, and very fond of each other, so I especially want to make this happen for them, since who knows how many more chances there will be?
We also have plans to get together with a dear friend at the end of the summer. We were close when we were children, and then lost contact, and were reunited a few years ago through FB.
There is another pair of sisters we were close to as kids who stay in contact with Mom and mean a lot to her, so we're trying to plan a lunch get-together. Mom is starting to show her age although she is still doing well, but it's really hitting home that she won't be here forever.
Good for you!!!
Here's my story...my parents passed away within 2 years of each other in my early teens...I consequently married a man 17 years older than me.He was the yougest of the 4 siblings in his family,2 of the 3 sisters basically took me under their wings and taught me how to be a wife,later,a mother and became the family I never had,I admired the way they were raising their children and to this day,keep that in mind when dealing with my own...
Anyway,fast forward to 2000,my 1at sister in law,passes away from lung/brain cancer,yes,she was a smoker.
3 years later my 2nd sister in law does from complications from surgery,this was March 2004.
My husband does in April 2006,of the same thing his sister died of...
Finally, his remaining sister passed from Alzheimer's in 2011.
The point I'm getting at is I miss these terrific ladies something terribly, they become mother's to me,grandparents to my kids,I get very depressed when I think that not only did I lose my husband and best friend and soulmate but I also lost an extended family,a support system and friends.
Sorry for the length but it seemed worthwhile to share.
rosarugosa
7-23-17, 7:12am
Gmpg54: I'm glad you were able to have a loving family through your husband, but so sorry they are gone now. That must have been very painful.
What wonderful stories of connectedness have been shared. These were precious gifts, blessings that had a wonderful impact. I do wonder if I am passing along that gift though. How does one ensure that one continues the the thread of love and support?
Rosa has suggested some ideas that she is following.
gmpg54, you were very fortunate to have "found" such a strong and loving family. I think it's interesting that sometimes we are plugged into just the family we need. My 3 siblings and I had a rather chaotic upbringing and we repressed a lot of our feelings among each other, and sadly, we suffered the isolation that many children of alcoholics suffer.
Interestingly, the three of us who wound up marrying married into very strong connected families where we found our place. My older brother moved to the Midwest and has come back East maybe 5 times in the last 45 years. My other brother also married into a very loving and connected family--his first wife died, and he remarried a woman who spent years caring for her sick father and who is constantly in touch with her siblings. I found myself with a MIL, grandmother-in-law and grandfather-in-law who all lived under one roof and co-contributed to a fully-functioning family. I've always found that interesting that my brothers and I absorbed into our new families on a much deeper level than we had with our family of origin.
Williamsmith
7-23-17, 9:11am
I have always found the interconnectedness of siblings to be a powerful force. It can work to support wonderful relationships and it can interfere with the maintenance of healthy relationships. Age related illnesses benefit from that support. Family abuse does not. I have known many families to cover up physical, emotional and sexual abuses in order to protect the perception of the family cohesiveness in favor of addressing one person's horrible abuse. That protection of the unit can go as far as covering up the homicide of one person in the unit.
As Razz referred to it, " the thread of love and support" is a powerful remedy for individual suffering and I know I have swerved the conversation into a darker meaning. So for that I apologize, as I am well aware of the positive influences of interconnectedness. This is mostly due to a dominant figure in the family who keeps the relationships cemented.
My three children are settling into their own social and economic class. My youngest is very successful, has no debt accept a mortgage yet owns two cars and very nice home and he and his wife have satisfied their college debt. My middle child is decidedly making it with the help of a husband working but definitely at the bottom of middle class and my oldest is blue collar poor on the verge of disaster day by day. They are interconnected with a powerful force. My youngest is determined that all will be with him on Christmas Day. Since he lives 1700 miles away, this is a challenge but I am grateful for the way they protect and support each other.
rosarugosa
7-23-17, 9:12am
Catherine: That's interesting to me what you said about isolation in the children of alcoholics. The two estranged brothers I mentioned earlier were the children of alcoholics. When we were teens, they would joke about how if they needed to reach their parents, they had to call the Blue Star (local bar). And it was true. One of the brothers is successfully married to a woman with a big family. He certainly has issues, but at least he has love and a family. The other brother is really isolating himself and laments that he has no family. It's so sad that he doesn't embrace the fact that he has friends who love him like family and could be his family - like DH and me. He and DH were roommates and I moved in with them at the beginning of our marriage, so we even lived together quite happily for awhile.
Sad Eyed Lady
7-23-17, 10:14am
OP, I think that is wonderful that you still have these elderly aunts in your life and the opportunity to visit with them. You never know if this could be the last time. Like so many who have posted in response, I too am alone with really no family to speak of. I was an only child, so no brothers/sisters and therefore no nieces/nephews. No children, therefore no grandchildren. Like Gmpg54, my husband was the youngest of his siblings, (one brother was 20 years older!), so this family felt almost a whole generation removed. His mother was near the age of my grandmother, the oldest brother I mentioned was the age of my mother, and his sister was the age of my step-father! Needless to say they are all gone now except for one brother who lives a distance away. And lastly my DH passed suddenly a little over two years ago with no idea this was going to happen. So, here I am feeling as Bruce Springsteen said "when you're alone, you ain't nothing but alone.". I did have one wonderful cousin that was the elder in my family. She was near 90, still lived alone and cared for all her own needs execpt she didn't drive, so I ran her on errands. She had a great mind and was the person I could ask about family history, or as someone else noted, other events in the past. She was active, mentally and physically for her age and was actually doing something with apples the morning she had a heart attack. I went to the hospital and she sat up in bed talking to me, asked for a "real coke" which I got her, and that night she was gone. I felt the aloneness then, realizing I had no one older than me to talk with in the family. I still have a few cousins, (4 first cousins), all younger than me and most scattered far and wide across the states. So, long story, but visit those beautiful aunts, talk to them, treasure your time with them because you never know if you will have another chance.
Teacher Terry
7-23-17, 12:01pm
I recently went back to my hometown to see relatives and friends. My Aunt is still alive and living alone at 92. It was wonderful to see her. I am not close to my 2 siblings at all. We tried being close when younger but they have super strong personalities so in order to get along I had to let them boss me around. When I turned 50 I decided that enough was enough. They did not like my new stance so now we occasionally email and I did see one of them when I went home for a day.
catherine
7-28-17, 10:29am
I got back from CT. It was great. Saw my cousin, and went swimming, ate good fresh vegetables, had great conversation. It was great to see her and her mom, one of the 3 aunts. Took my other aunt to lunch. She was as beautiful as ever, but since she lost her husband and had some health issues over the past 3 years, her mind is slipping fairly seriously. It was sad to see. I never got to see Aunt #3.
I stayed at a really awesome place--a little "Thoreau" cabin in the woods. It was 8' x 6'--had just a suggestion of a lock on the door, and the windows were open and airy. No insulation--just basically a shack with a nice comfy bed, nightstand, chair and mirror. There was a running waterfall just outside, and so quiet. I've been wearing a Fitbit for the past 6 weeks, and I noticed that I had the best sleep by far over the past 6 weeks, and my heart rate was as low as it's ever been since wearing the Fitbit. Just goes to show you the healing nature of... nature!
I stayed at a really awesome place--a little "Thoreau" cabin in the woods. It was 8' x 6'--had just a suggestion of a lock on the door, and the windows were open and airy. No insulation--just basically a shack with a nice comfy bed, nightstand, chair and mirror. There was a running waterfall just outside, and so quiet. I've been wearing a Fitbit for the past 6 weeks, and I noticed that I had the best sleep by far over the past 6 weeks, and my heart rate was as low as it's ever been since wearing the Fitbit. Just goes to show you the healing nature of... nature!
Sounds lovely!
Sounds so cool Catherine--and really interested about your good sleep!
catherine
7-29-17, 12:42pm
Sounds so cool Catherine--and really interested about your good sleep!
Two reasons for the good sleep: no dog to wake me up early and disrupt my sleep by jumping on and off the bed; also, there was no TV, internet, or phone, so when it got dark, I just went to bed. I think it was about 9:15. I've always felt that following natural day/night patterns has to be best for people. I think that the invention of the light bulb and TV has really destroyed our ability to live by natural rhythms. In fact, I've made up my mind to try to get to bed earlier. My Fitbit tells me I may be deficient in deep sleep.
I too loved my three Aunts. I can still hear their beautiful voices.
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