My son is looking to move out

[Zoe Girl]

I am kinda stressed, I don't want to hold him back if he is ready to move but when I signed this lease (with him on it) I talked to him about making that year commitment. He pays a couple bills and part of the rent increase of $75 a month, and I still struggle to pay my student loans.

I am about to head out for the second part of camping but I need to talk to him before I go. His girlfriend probably does not understand this. She is about to go to Europe with her family, my son's dad just got back from 3 weeks in Spain. I don't like to do poor talk, I am fine overall and it makes me feel like I am broke when I am not (involuntary frugal?) but sometimes I may need to bluntly explain the situation.

It might be nice to have the space to myself, if I could afford it. The lease is up in May so i was going to start looking for places in March.

[Yppej]

Can you get a roommate?

[Tybee]

Can you get a roommate?

I think this is a great idea, and would be much less stressful for me than having my son as my roommate. Not to dis any of my sons, but they are very independent and could not wait to be out on their own, and I think it might be easier to negotiate space with someone who was not my offspring. Better for our relationship, too.

[Zoe Girl]

It seems a little overwhelming to find a roommate, although in Denver I am sure there are lots of people looking. I am really used to my own quiet kid and his habits after all. But I could charge someone more, I had just been hoping to get an efficiency type place when he was ready to move out, or rent a room, and pay the loans off.

[catherine]

If the market is hot for apartments/sharing in Denver than you could be selective with an interview process. Plus you only have to put up with it for 9 months. Or maybe airBNB it? Then you have more control over the time that you're committed to sharing with someone.

But I agree that if your son is ready to move out, he's ready. I wouldn't try to hold him back.

[iris lilies]

I would hold him to his committment.

[Tybee]

I like Catherine's air bnb idea--why not look it up and see what apartments in your area get. It could be very lucrative.

[ToomuchStuff]

I would hold him to his committment.


Certainly any other landlord would, and there is liability to the roommates. (lesson to learn before moving in with someone that age)

[Teacher Terry]

I would discuss with him that you rented that place because you were counting on some help with bills. Staying 9 more months will not kill him. Part of growing up is honoring your commitments. I much rather live with one of my kids then a stranger.

[Gardnr]

He signed a business agreement as a roommate, not an "I will help Mom with her bills" casual arrangement. don't bring up your bills-this is not about your bills.

Discuss the business agreement.

[creaker]

It seems a little overwhelming to find a roommate, although in Denver I am sure there are lots of people looking. I am really used to my own quiet kid and his habits after all. But I could charge someone more, I had just been hoping to get an efficiency type place when he was ready to move out, or rent a room, and pay the loans off.

That is one thing to discuss - if he moves out, shortly it will be a situation where he can't decide it's too difficult or too costly or he just wants to go back to the way it was and move back, because that option will no longer be there for him. But if he made the commitment he should stick to it.

[Reyes]

Hm. I would not want to be finically dependent on my children. Perhaps he can stay until you find a roommate?

[Ultralight]

Here is what I think:

Make him honor the contract he made with you, or penalize him (like a landlord would).

But remember to be tactful because the odds are very, very high he will move back in with you within a year. And if you already moved in a new roommate then you'll have to honor your contract with the roommate who may not want your son moving back in.

One more thing to consider is that you want your son to be a man at some point and not your little boy forever. This is not meant to sound harsh, but rather it is meant to be seriously considered. A man will pay his bills and take care of business.

[Zoe Girl]

Let's please not assume that my son does not meet his commitments because at 20 he wants to move out from mom. He is an assistant manager at a grocery store in the seafood department. He is always taking care of things. However I don't think he can manage it yet, which is fine.

[Tybee]

I think it's great that he is 20 and has a manager job at a grocery store--hopefully the planets will align that he can get a place of his own or a place with his girlfriend within the year.
I also think it's great that you and your son can have open discussion about these issues; they are complex and can be difficult when finances are tight and rent prices are exorbitant.

[razz]

I think it's great that he is 20 and has a manager job at a grocery store--hopefully the planets will align that he can get a place of his own or a place with his girlfriend within the year.
I also think it's great that you and your son can have open discussion about these issues; they are complex and can be difficult when finances are tight and rent prices are exorbitant.
Well phrased!

[ToomuchStuff]

I am kinda stressed, I don't want to hold him back if he is ready to move but when I signed this lease (with him on it) I talked to him about making that year commitment.


Let's please not assume that my son does not meet his commitments because at 20 he wants to move out from mom.

All we have are your words. Being ready and looking for a place are two different things. Not sure how to take it based on your post. (does he want to and saving up money while living with you for the year, or actively looking, it could read as either)
Not on the son, there, on the poster.

[iris lilies]

I would discuss with him that you rented that place because you were counting on some help with bills. Staying 9 more months will not kill him. Part of growing up is honoring your commitments. I much rather live with one of my kids then a stranger.


Agreed. 9 more months will allow him to prepare for renting a place himself in saving money, gathering furnishings, etc. I realize that 9 months is a long time for someone 20 years old, haha, but really, it isnt long!

If his finances hinge on sharing housing costs with his girlfriend, he needs to think about what happens if they break up.

The issue of OP living with her son as a problem doesnt seem to be relevant here. She has mentioned several times how he contributes to the household by cleaning up, cooking, etc. Plus, he is still pretty young and so living with a parent isnt strange if they can make it work.

I think the bigger, more important question is:what happens after he moves out. Boomeranging kids are common, will OP take him back? Will she give up her aprtment and rent a room, or an efficiency apartment with no room for him?

Define the boundaries clearly for him, sounds like he will u derstand and honor them.

[freshstart]

I like the last line of UA's post and what IL is saying. He's only 3 months into a commitment he agreed to, he could've foreseen getting a GF and wanting to live with her, he shouldn't have signed the lease without thinking it through. If he had rented an apt with a friend and signed a lease, he'd have to honor that commitment, you're no different.

[Simplemind]

Maybe I missed something but I read "When I signed this lease (with him on it)" as Zoe alone signed the lease stating that he was on it as a tenant, not as being financially responsible.

[iris lilies]

Maybe I missed something but I read "When I signed this lease (with him on it)" as Zoe alone signed the lease stating that he was on it as a tenant, not as being financially responsible.
Yes, thats how I read it too. He has an obligation toward his mother, not to any landlord. She is on the hook for the rent, if we,are understanding this correctly.

[Gardnr]

I am kinda stressed, I don't want to hold him back if he is ready to move but when I signed this lease (with him on it) I talked to him about making that year commitment. He pays a couple bills and part of the rent increase of $75 a month, and I still struggle to pay my student loans.

So is he on the lease or is he not? If he is on the lease, he has a business agreement. If not, he's 20-they change their minds on a dime.

[Chicken lady]

Even if he is not on the lease, he has a verbal agreement with his mother. So really, the question here is, is he a man who keeps his word, a child who can't be held accountable, or someone who backs out on his commitments when they become inconvenient.

my son is 23. I would ask him that question.

my daughter is 20. I would tell her that when we made this agreement I was counting on her to be a woman who keeps her word. That while as her mother I would like to make her life as easy as possible, as her housemate I am depending on her to make rent, so unless we can find a mutually acceptable subleaser, I can't release her from her commitment.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I would lean more to: strike when the iron is hot, or I'd let him move out when he had the urge OR ... I'd fear he might never move out! Seems the way things are especially nowdays. The last thing in the universe I could have been convinced of was being an adult when I was a young was living with my parents.

[Zoe Girl]

I really don't want him to get stuck in life, and the first move out is not as neat and smooth as it is as you get older and more experienced in predicting expenses and life. My oldest moved out3 times before she learned enough about roommates and got transportation settled (she has always been good with money but Denver is harsh). I have seen however with her friends the reality of parents kicking them out, it isn't pretty and not everyone ended up okay.

I am more settled right now with whatever happens. He is talking to me and it would take time to make this change. Then I could put the word out to the meditating community for a roommate if needed. If he needs to bounce back then he can see dad,

[JaneV2.0]

I would lean more to: strike when the iron is hot, or I'd let him move out when he had the urge OR ... I'd fear he might never move out! Seems the way things are especially nowdays. The last thing in the universe I could have been convinced of was being an adult when I was a young was living with my parents.

That's exactly the way I see it. My neighbors' 40-something son is still living with them. Unimaginable to me.

[iris lilies]

I would lean more to: strike when the iron is hot, or I'd let him move out when he had the urge OR ... I'd fear he might never move out! Seems the way things are especially nowdays. The last thing in the universe I could have been convinced of was being an adult when I was a young was living with my parents.
His girlfriend lives there, too, so that sweetens to pot of living with parents.

I think its great that the three of them make this work. But it is also great that he is ready to stretch, and move out. This gives Zoe Girl options she has not had before.

[catherine]

That's exactly the way I see it. My neighbors' 40-something son is still living with them. Unimaginable to me.

My 55-yr old BIL living with his mother until she died 7 years ago really disabled him in many ways. OTOH, my cousin lived with his parents for several years in his 30s-40s to save money while he built a business. In an example of good karma, he recently took his mother in to live with him, as she can no longer live alone.

[Tybee]

It's such an "it depends" situation, in my opinion. Two of my sons took off on their own super early and have been living on their own or with roommates ever since, very happily and never asking for money. One of them got married and moved into her house,then divorced and out to an apartment, and then bought a house. One of my sons moved in with us after college and we kind of weaned him out by about 3 months, I think, and we helped him find a place which he paid for. From then on, he has lived with his girlfriend, now wife, very happily in a range of apartments and now they own a house.

I think it so depends on the kid and the economic realities of the situation. As we all get older, it depends on our health and needs, too, like Catherine's cousin.

But I like when families can depend on each other and help each other, but also live the way they want to live. It can be a delicate balance. We gave the two home-owning sons cash for a small downpayment on their houses. We will give the third the same when he is ready, but he lives in a horribly expensive area, and so we may just give him the money to do something else, like invest. . .

I try to be fair and do the same with each kid.

But now, I don't work full time and am semi-retired and two of them make more than I do, so the direction of aid may change. . .

I just figure we are all connected for the long run,and it is not a landlady-renter kind of situation, it will always be family. But each member of the family needs to be sure things are fair and it's not one way.