View Full Version : Becoming authentic
Chicken lady
8-1-17, 3:14pm
Or self determination, or something.
learning who you are and standing up for that.
i couldn't figure out where this should go. I thought about putting it in relationships because one of the problems that I'm having in this area is that I tend to define myself in terms of relationships. Daughter, wife, mother, teacher, friend, even as an artist I define myself by the responses of other people.
But it's not about the relationships, because the problem is coming from within me. So I picked here because the subtitle about inner simplicity is exactly where I want to go.
for example, I want to do a pop up sale at an open house on August 19th. Doing this is going to require some studio time. Which is not a bad thing - I want to spend time in my studio. So I see the sale as motivation - a deadline to work toward. Except I'm not in the studio.
because I know dh wants me to finish painting the addition. But I woke up sore this morning from painting the addition, and I am kind of hating it right now. I decided I would take turns painting and working in the studio.
except, I'm not in the studio because I feel guilty about not painting. And I lined up a partner for the sale today, so there is even more pressure to get into the studio. And I am creating arguements in my head for dh about how I now have this partner (external commitment, relationship created to justify what I want) so I need to be in the studio.
except I'm not in the studio, but neither am I painting. And really while dh would like me to be painting, he tries really hard to be supportive of my work, and he would understand about taking turns. He has not said a word about me spending time in the studio. The guilt is me projecting on him and then responding to something I made up.
what he won't understand is me sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea and spinning my wheels online instead of painting OR working in the studio.
and I'm not sure I understand it either, but I want to stop doing it.
I think that's called analysis paralysis. I suffer from the same sometimes, the only cure is to choose one and do it, stop thinking about it.
Part of being authentic is deciding who you are not, and lining up your actions accordingly.
I am not a hostess of large parties, but I once wished I was/could be. It was hard to give away all those things I had collected when I had the idea that I'd be a party host because it was giving up a dream/identity of sorts. When I gave those things away, I was also giving away the dream and the recognition that this would never be who I was. It stung. But in order to have both time and space for other things that are more important in my life, I had to do that. When the decisions aren't made, is when hoarding starts. Both mental as well as physical.
You only have so many hours in a day and so many projects calling your name, in addition to the caretaking roles which you seem to feel obligated to do - though I don't sense a great love for many of them. You're going to need to choose. It will be hard. But you can't be all things to all people, and remain true to who you are.
I totally get where you're coming from; it's the "wants" vs. the "shoulds." I do the same thing.
Would writing down a schedule help? I remember a tool from the "Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David Burns--one I turn to when depression/anxiety/procrastination creeps up on me. It's called the unschedule. You take your day's calendar, mark off the hours, fill in all the things you HAVE to do, like meals, showering/grooming, pet care, daily chores, etc. Then with the blank hours that are left, you fill them in with what you want to do, or what you've been putting off. It's an exercise in finding time which you thought didn't exist.
Also, procrastination has so many root causes: all-or-nothing thoughts, fortune-telling (I'll never get it done, so why start), too many "shoulds" and thinking the problem is bigger than it really is (magnification). It's really hard to sit down and identify the reason for it, because it makes you face your weakness. But it's best in the long run to figure out why you do it. Then take charge and conquer it.
I hear you. It is however, self-defeating to do neither. Reminds of a conversation with DH years ago...."by finishing nothing, it's as if you fear success". So as a coach (part of my job growing staff)...You have 2 short-term goals so let's walk through........
1. How many pieces do you need to complete for your pop-up-sale?
2. How many hours per day will that goal take between now and the night before the sale?
3. Spend that many hours each day on this project.
4. Spend any available "working hours" on the painting.
5. Are there any other MUSTS during this time? If so, schedule those in as well. You may need to work extra hours to achieve your goals but there is an end to this in just 17 days so this is short term.
You CAN get both projects done but ya gotta work on them rather than spinning your wheels. You say DH is supportive. Create your plan and share it with him. He sounds like a guy that will support your workplan AND your success.
Personal example of avoiding this: I am a quilter. Not having a plan means I don't go in there. So, the best thing I can do for myself is to have something sitting there ready to grab and sew. It can be just a few triangle pairs. It gets me started. Then I'm in there doing something and the creative juice has ramped.
Can you do the same thing to keep yourself moving forward?
Personal example of avoiding this: I am a quilter. Not having a plan means I don't go in there. So, the best thing I can do for myself is to have something sitting there ready to grab and sew. It can be just a few triangle pairs. It gets me started. Then I'm in there doing something and the creative juice has ramped.
Same here, same scenario...I also have to address the fear of failure I have. If it's not perfect, ya know....so if I don't go finish it, it won't be imperfect!
Or self determination, or something.
learning who you are and standing up for that.
i couldn't figure out where this should go. I thought about putting it in relationships because one of the problems that I'm having in this area is that I tend to define myself in terms of relationships. Daughter, wife, mother, teacher, friend, even as an artist I define myself by the responses of other people.
But it's not about the relationships, because the problem is coming from within me. So I picked here because the subtitle about inner simplicity is exactly where I want to go.
for example, I want to do a pop up sale at an open house on August 19th. Doing this is going to require some studio time. Which is not a bad thing - I want to spend time in my studio. So I see the sale as motivation - a deadline to work toward. Except I'm not in the studio.
because I know dh wants me to finish painting the addition. But I woke up sore this morning from painting the addition, and I am kind of hating it right now. I decided I would take turns painting and working in the studio.
except, I'm not in the studio because I feel guilty about not painting. And I lined up a partner for the sale today, so there is even more pressure to get into the studio. And I am creating arguements in my head for dh about how I now have this partner (external commitment, relationship created to justify what I want) so I need to be in the studio.
except I'm not in the studio, but neither am I painting. And really while dh would like me to be painting, he tries really hard to be supportive of my work, and he would understand about taking turns. He has not said a word about me spending time in the studio. The guilt is me projecting on him and then responding to something I made up.
what he won't understand is me sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea and spinning my wheels online instead of painting OR working in the studio.
and I'm not sure I understand it either, but I want to stop doing it.
Executive function can be hard to come by.
Jan. 1st of 2016 I started meditating 20 minutes every day. In the couple months leading up to this I got caught up in a bit of perfectionism, like:
"I have to meditate in the morning."
"I have to meditate for 20 minutes straight!"
"It has to be sitting meditation, not walking or body scans while laying down."
And so on.
But I realized that this perfectionism can be a recipe for disaster. So I said:
"It just has to be 20 minutes a day, any configuration -- 19 minutes and then 1 minute or two 10 minute sits or 20 minutes of walking meditation." Any time of day.
And I did that for all of 2016! It was a powerful experience. And I even kept up the habit in 2017 (except for the 12 days of my vacation in Israel/Jordan).
This morning, for example, I did two 10 minute sitting meditations back-to-back before work.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of good enough.
And, remember this too, CL, it is likely you are just simply taking on too much.
Chicken lady
8-1-17, 7:26pm
So, working backward -
interesting comment UL "impaired executive function" is a hallmark of hoarding disorder.
and yes to Kaylr and Gardnr, I will often wrap something because I am not happy with it and never come back.
Gardnr, I don't know how long it will take because I am terrible at keeping track of time, but I do know when I have to finish each phase - wet work done by Saturday. I would like to have at least three large pieces and 30 little ones. (I have other stock, this is to fill out my booth)
Geila, and Kaylr, I am trying to start each day with my skeleton schedule and go from there. I am also putting new things on the BOTTOM of my list and working from the top down unless there is a crisis. Otherwise the "me" things just keep getting shoved down the list.
And herbgerk - I am a potter. I know this because I went out to the studio and I was happy and calm and I lost all track of time and when dh called to say he was on his way home, I realized I really needed to pee.
i love this. I need to do the things I love - spend time with the goats and the new chicks, make pots, pull some weeds... To feed my soul so that I have energy for things like painting (the goal is shiny, but the path is poo)
I cleaned up a little, I wedged 25 lbs of clay, and I set myself a goal of making ten variations on an idea and ten copies of my favorite. (All small pieces) I ran out of time on piece #16, so that is the top of my list tomorrow.
and I told dd she has to come out to the studio and clean up her mess. Her mother DOES work here and she needs her space!
interesting comment UL "impaired executive function" is a hallmark of hoarding disorder.
I did not want to come out and say it. But you got it.
So keep in mind that some of the issues you face are part and parcel of your illness (CHD). You can't beat yourself up over it too bad, I'd suppose.
I really liked how Alan put it ("analysis paralysis") but it nagged at me a bit that you (CL) know what to do; it's just a matter of getting it done. Then I read Ultralight's post and realized that this was it.
My college degree is in journalism. As students, we were responsible for producing news for the college's TV station. We all wanted to write Pulitzer-worthy news stories. But the reality is that, at 8:23 every morning, the news had to be on the air. We learned to do the best job we could in the time we had allotted to us. An accurate informative report at 8:23 was vastly preferable to several minutes of dead air or "Please Stand By" because we weren't done writing or editing the prize-winning version of the report. It was a good lesson for life. Give yourself the permission to prioritize the important stuff so that, in the end, progress is made. Make sure all you want to do is realistically do-able. But once you've determined that, move. You'll probably look back happily realizing all you achieved (even if it was not perfect).
Chicken lady
8-2-17, 7:03pm
Part of it is having confidence in my decisions - being secure in the idea that it is ok to do the thing I want/plan to do. I am paralyzed less by fear that it won't be perfect and more by fear of others' imagined reactions.
my list system is working pretty well. Painting is at the top for tomorrow. I can get everything I want to do every day done - but my weeks are four days long - lol! Dh seems to be ok with it.
Part of it is having confidence in my decisions - being secure in the idea that it is ok to do the thing I want/plan to do. I am paralyzed less by fear that it won't be perfect and more by fear of others' imagined reactions.
I identify with this a lot. An example: Last weekend was the monthly potluck at my favorite farm. I love these potlucks and I've only missed a couple over the last 3 years. DH was not feeling great; plus, he's not as into these events as I am. As I start to reclaim my "inner hippie" as I get older, I sense it creates a little bit of a rift between us. He sometimes makes fun of the Portlandia-style crowd, but I love them.
He told me to go if I wanted to, but I didn't. I'm still a bit annoyed at myself for not going. But it was totally the same type of paralysis.
Williamsmith
8-2-17, 9:10pm
I identify with this a lot. An example: Last weekend was the monthly potluck at my favorite farm. I love these potlucks and I've only missed a couple over the last 3 years. DH was not feeling great; plus, he's not as into these events as I am. As I start to reclaim my "inner hippie" as I get older, I sense it creates a little bit of a rift between us. He sometimes makes fun of the Portlandia-style crowd, but I love them.
He told me to go if I wanted to, but I didn't. I'm still a bit annoyed at myself for not going. But it was totally the same type of paralysis.
This idea that we first evaluate what we think we are supposed to be by the measure of others instead of embracing who we really are.......well, that leads to a false reality and an internal contradiction. You end up sacrificing yourself on somebody else's altar. If you are linked with a stronger personality it can be hard to assert yourself and it can frustrate you to the point of indecision.
I came to terms with this when I realized I did my best work when I disregarded other people's opinions. I just quit asking and did what I wanted to. I gave the important people in my life credit for wanting me to be happy.
Hey, Catherine.....Going Up the Country? Favorite part is when the nun flashes the peace sign!
https://youtu.be/Hf0Dm-OaTNk
This idea that we first evaluate what we think we are supposed to be by the measure of others instead of embracing who we really are.......well, that leads to a false reality and an internal contradiction. You end up sacrificing yourself on somebody else's altar. If you are linked with a stronger personality it can be hard to assert yourself and it can frustrate you to the point of indecision.
I came to terms with this when I realized I did my best work when I disregarded other people's opinions. I just quit asking and did what I wanted to. I gave the important people in my life credit for wanting me to be happy.
Hey, Catherine.....Going Up the Country? Favorite part is when the nun flashes the peace sign!
https://youtu.be/Hf0Dm-OaTNk
Hey, nuns can be peace-loving people! If I had done *exactly* what I wanted to do when I was younger, I could have been one of those nuns at Woodstock.
I'm actually getting BETTER at doing what I want regardless of what people think, but I have a long way to go.
Another song that keeps running through my mind when I'm not thinking of anything else is Elton John's Goodbye Yellow Brick Road..
So goodbye yellow brick road
Where the dogs of society howl
You can't plant me in your penthouse
I'm going back to my plough
Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Hunting the horny back toad
Oh I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road
Chicken lady
8-3-17, 6:36am
Lol Catherine, I turned the radio on in the studio yesterday and the Avett brothers "head full of doubt" admonished me
"If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it"
but Williamsmith, I think you hit the nail on the head. Dh is definitely the stronger personality, and I want to please him. He doesn't give me a lot of feedback, because he really isn't interested in controlling my life, so when he does say something like "Are you going to paint today?" I start over analyzing and read into it and throw a whole bunch of weight behind it that probably isn't there. Then eventually all the imaginary pressure gets to be too much and he mentions the painting (current example) and I start ranting about how I really need to work in the studio today, and he looks confused and says something like "so work in the studio."
i feel like I used to have a stronger internal focus. Sometimes I wonder if all of those years when my primary (wanted, chosen, and loved) identity was "Mom" undermined me by programming me to meet the needs of people who couldn't clearly articulate them for themselves, so that now I'm searching for clues about the right thing to do for people whom I could just ask. It may also have given me a sense that I am more important than I actually am. (There was a time when my actions and decisions shaped the world of multiple people, now they mostly affect me.)
so, it is Thursday. 15 out of the 30 small things I want to finish are drying. (Some of the variations are not things I want to produce right now) I know what the other 15 will be, and the three large things are pieces I have done before so they should be one and done. But today I paint (for about 4 hours or until everything has a first coat of primer, whichever comes second - I have to paint around the ends of all the beams on a ladder with a brush which is slow), take my examples to the woman running the sale so she can take advertising photos, buy pine pellets for the rabbit's litter box (across the street from photos), and work at the food bank. Pus a few small housekeeping tasks. If I get all of that done pottery will be on the top of the list tomorrow.
iris lilies
8-3-17, 10:14am
OP, I think your analysis of your internal life is fascinating. You seem to hit reality right on the head. I really like reading your posts.
I noticed that in our marriage, the empty nest years have led to a lot of changes in the dynamics, reevaluation of power dynamics in relationship, changes in how we communicate, etc. etc. etc. I think it is the norm when the kids leave home. We find we are much more on the same page now that the kids are grown, although of course we still see things differently at times.
Chicken lady
8-3-17, 1:35pm
Getting he kids out of the house has been fantastic for a marriage that was pretty darn good already. It's just me who is foundering. - I need to shed self imposed expectations that aren't serving me any more.
i remember looking at dd when her sister let for college and saying "maybe it's not such a good idea to achieve all your life goals at 45. She jokingly said "well, you can die now." I told her "I think I'll get some new goals."
"maybe it's not such a good idea to achieve all your life goals at 45. She jokingly said "well, you can die now." I told her "I think I'll get some new goals."
Ha! Love it! That's why I make a new goals list every year on my birthday retreat.
Chicken lady
8-4-17, 8:27pm
When I finished giving everything the first coat of primer yesterday, had a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
which is a nice shift from being sick of painting.
today I worked in the studio. I was having a really good time, and then a few things started going wrong, and I realized I had gone from "making things" to "trying to get things made". So I took a step back. I need to wrap some work before I go to bed tonight, and tomorrow I will go back to "making things" and whatever gets done for the sale will be done.
i did take the time to set up a drying rack with a fan today - something I've wanted to do for a long time. Unfortunately I over dried a few things because I didn't realize how well it would work (part of the things going wrong) but used judiciously it should save me a lot of wait time.
i'm not sure what I'm going to do with the stuff I took off the rack, but at least some of it is probably headed for the kids' "going, going, gone" list. It turns out that after 16 years I'd rather have my drying rack than a handmade (by my children and their friends) 24" deer hide drum.
Williamsmith
8-5-17, 5:31am
Part of my learning curve since retiring has been realizing I am setting my own strict goals on a daily basis and driving myself to achieve them at the sacrifice of quality and joy for the sake of just .....getting it done. In other words, I make these artificial expectations that neither serve my happiness nor my sense of who I am. I tend to stop and evaluate why I wanted it done in the first place and instead of forging on.....some times I'll understand it wasn't "necessary" in the first place and focus on another thing or just take a break.
That's a result of years of task oriented work that never sees an end......like carrying more criminal cases than you have work hours in a week. Especially when the case represents someone's misery as a victim and their need for closure. I tend to look at my to do lists now as an "etch-o-sketch"......if that makes any sense.
Chicken lady
8-6-17, 8:13pm
There is an Erma Bombeck piece in which one of her adult children asks to borrow something and she says no, because he didn't return (a,b,c,d) that he previously "borrowed. He then offers to trade her two of the previous items for the new thing.
i am reminded of this because my older daughter really wants me to keep the drum here. She offered to take two bins of her belongings that I previously agreed to store for a few years in order to "make room".
I am getting rid of two large lamps.
i finished two large clay items and 20 small ones. Plus a few small prototypes that I think are worth producing, so if I make another, I could finish the original for sale.
I baked cookies today. And made a nice dinner, and other stuff.
tomorrow I will paint.
I hope this doesn't sound mean, I am not trying to be, but since this your thread is about being authentic, have you shared with your daughter your strong desire to rid your environment of extra stuff? I know you don't want to hurt her feelings, but this does not seem very supportive on her part, to bring more stuff. So in the interests of being authentic, can you discuss with her why you don't want/or cannot at this time store her drums?
Chicken lady
8-7-17, 8:22am
She is very supportive of me clearing out my space. She is proud of me for the progress I am making. But there are a couple of factors around the drum.
very few "things" are important to her.
she sees it as something to be "here" - a part of her childhood she would want to share with her kids.
she would probably be willing to take the drum and schlep it back and forth to create that experience, but I don't want to push that
because
my son in law is also a hoarder and he is farther behind in the struggle and when I send things to her house it increases his stress and their conflict and I understand where he is on his journey and I want to help and support them.
i may take her up on her offer to take the bins though - they are plastic bins with plastic washable toys that she could store in her basement which has some problems with dampness (although she bought a dehumidifier yesterday). A deer hide drum, not so much.
She is very supportive of me clearing out my space. She is proud of me for the progress I am making. But there are a couple of factors around the drum.
very few "things" are important to her.
she sees it as something to be "here" - a part of her childhood she would want to share with her kids.
she would probably be willing to take the drum and schlep it back and forth to create that experience, but I don't want to push that
because
my son in law is also a hoarder and he is farther behind in the struggle and when I send things to her house it increases his stress and their conflict and I understand where he is on his journey and I want to help and support them.
i may take her up on her offer to take the bins though - they are plastic bins with plastic washable toys that she could store in her basement which has some problems with dampness (although she bought a dehumidifier yesterday). A deer hide drum, not so much.
That makes so much sense, and of course she should take the bins, and it's great that she thought of it.
Williamsmith
8-7-17, 9:28am
CL, I give you huge credit for your willingness to share these struggles and victories. I think a lot of people read what you write and see parts of them going through the same issues, perhaps at different intensities....but the same root problems. And I think examining these things helps other people. You might not get that feedback but it should be accepted as fact.
Teacher Terry
8-7-17, 1:31pm
CL: I would keep the drums too for her. It sounds like they will be used and enjoyed.
Chicken lady
8-7-17, 1:49pm
Wow! If Teacher Terry thinks I should keep it, I should definitely keep it! :laff: (That is meant in fun. Even if you were Ultralite, it would be meant in fun.)
Williamsmith, thank you for the positive feedback.
i should also mention that I have started shifting my list around a little instead of going strict top to bottom. For example, I have been painting, but am now resting and may spend half an hour or so trimming pots (easy, comfortable, seated work before I Ho back to it - skipping ahead to "pottery" even though today's "painting" isn't done.)
and I have been worrying less about dinners. So far, no one has starved.
Teacher Terry
8-7-17, 2:51pm
CL: you made me laugh out loud:)) When I cook I like to make enough for 2 meals so only have to cook every other day and also to make some simple things for when I am tired, busy or just plain lazy. I have never really enjoyed cooking unless I am making a special meal for someone that I know loves that meal.
Glad to hear that you are being kinder to yourself and feeling positive about doing so.
Teacher Terry
8-7-17, 4:44pm
Razz, is right. There are only so many hours in a day. It sounds to me that you accomplish a lot every day.
Chicken lady
8-7-17, 10:15pm
Tonight after dinner, which was leftovers, I sat with dh and worked on a crossword puzzle for about 15 minutes. Then he said "I'm going to go hit some golf balls."
the dishwasher was full of clean dishes, and the sink was full of dirty dishes.
I said "I have this great idea where you help empty the dishwasher first." And he said "ok." And did that.
That's awesome cl! First that you asked for the help you needed and second that he did that!
Chicken lady
8-8-17, 6:45am
See, that's the thing - I just don't ask. All this stuff is happening in my head and it's only in my head.
In my head:
<big dark carved in stone type>"I am supposed to do the dishes" if I do not keep up with the dishes, I have failed. It is an imposition to ask for help with the dishes. I am letting people down by needing help with the dishes. Everyone else keeps up with the dishes. I'm a terrible housekeeper. I'm a dissapointing wife. Why can't I do this? How hard is it to wash the dishes? I should be able to do this. There isn't enough time! I don't want to spend my whole life washing dishes. He's going to be mad at me. I am being selfish by doing things I want to do instead of keeping up with the dishes.....
In dh head (probably):
think I'll go hit some golf balls. Oh, there are dishes? She wants help? Sure, no problem. This will take five minutes. Wonder where I put that can of practice balls.....
Dh grew up in a house where every single pot pan, plate and utensil was washed, dried, and put away the second his father finished eating - by his father. No one did crossword puzzles.
See, that's the thing - I just don't ask.
That's why this is amazing- you got past the negative self talk and did it anyways. That deserves a virtual pat on the back.
That's why this is amazing- you got past the negative self talk and did it anyways. That deserves a virtual pat on the back.
Ditto!
Another person here chiming in a congratulations CL for pushing out the negative self talk/ignoring it and just asking. It may get easier with practice!
Chicken lady
8-8-17, 7:40pm
So today I stopped at goodwill. And I found the shirts I was looking for and two immersible blenders - score! that I always keep an eye out for because they burn out in my classroom and studio mixing slip.
And and I found a big bundle of wire shelving. And I thought "this would make a great rabbit pen so the rabbit can hop around the yard." And I brought it home And then, instead of feeling guilty about buying it, and stashing it somewhere to do "later" I made a rabbit pen. I used up almost all the shelving (one 16"x17" square left over) and a 3ft piece I already had that I was saving because it might be useful, and I used some of the end caps to replace the missing end caps in dh closet (he's been living with easter erasers to protect his eyes) and I put the unused angle braces on dh workbench and I put the tools away, and the rabbit likes it.
Picture below?
A rabbit yard pen has been on my wish list for well over a year. it may not be beautiful, but it's functional and cost me under $10. And I did something instead of just wanting to do it.
Chicken lady
8-8-17, 7:44pm
http://www.simplelivingforum.net/attachment.php?attachmentid=1858&stc=1
Chicken lady
8-10-17, 10:16am
The picture was here, and now i's gone. Clearly not part of my skill set.
I'm starting to make plans for fall, including work. It is occurring to me that "knowing my own worth" may be one of my issues. If anybody would like to Help with my current literal struggle with that you can check out the workplace forum.
Chicken lady
8-12-17, 9:43pm
I had a fight with dh about my bike today. I actually have two bikes. One belonged to the mother of a friend I went to high school with, do it is about 40 years old. The other used to belong to dd1. The bikes get moved around the studio barn because they have no home. Dh keeps moving them over to "my" side in the middle of the entry area, and I keep moving them back to "his" side next to the tractor. Today he decided one of the bikes was in his way again and exploded.
i want to ride the bike. I don't ride the bike. I haven't ridden the bike in years. Anyway, not getting into the whole arguement, I am taking the older bike to goodwill, and the other bike is put away in the rafters. Maybe by spring I will make a place to hang it on the garage wall. Realistically I will not be biking this fall.
Williamsmith
8-12-17, 11:12pm
Luckily, you are longer in temperament than me. Had that happened to me, I would have probably used a sawsall to cut both bikes into six inch pieces. Nothing like saying, "I'm crazier than you!" To get your point across.
Chicken lady
8-13-17, 8:41am
We tend to avoid doing or saying irreversable things in anger - probably part of why we are still married after almost 27 years. Also, I don't think it has ever, for a moment, crossed dh mind that he might be crazier than I am. He doesn't want to open that box.
yesterday dh hooked the speakers up in the addition. This morning we are enjoying classical music. We used to have classical music (usually baroque) every Sunday morning, and then, we stopped. I didn't notice when. But this is nice.
Teacher Terry
8-13-17, 2:09pm
I am on marriage number 3 and agree with CL.
Williamsmith
8-13-17, 8:29pm
We tend to avoid doing or saying irreversable things in anger - probably part of why we are still married after almost 27 years. Also, I don't think it has ever, for a moment, crossed dh mind that he might be crazier than I am. He doesn't want to open that box.
yesterday dh hooked the speakers up in the addition. This morning we are enjoying classical music. We used to have classical music (usually baroque) every Sunday morning, and then, we stopped. I didn't notice when. But this is nice.
I acquired a taste for Vivaldi.....to me it was very calming and creative.
Chicken lady
8-16-17, 10:48am
This morning I am feeling tired and unmotivated. I am probably unmotivated because I am tired. I am tired because I did not get enough sleep, and I did not get enough sleep because I waited for dh to get home at ten o'clock last night,bee stayed up until 10:30, he then watched videos in bed (.with headphones but there is light and he moves around and sometimes laughs - which keeps me awake or sleeping shallowly/waking up) for I don't know how long. Then his alarm went off at 5:45.
having me get up and pack his lunch and make his breakfast is very important to dh. And getting an early start to my day is beneficial to me. But only if my day actually gets started. So the bedtime half of this must be corrected.
also, I am aware that when I don't want to do the thing I "should" be doing, I tend to procrastinate online. I need to retrain myself to either to the thing (optimal) or at least do something else that I do feel like doing. Because it is not actually helpful to deny myself what I want to do because I would feel bad about doing that instead of the supposed to do thing and then do something with even less value.
iris lilies
8-16-17, 10:59am
This sleep thing--I realize you have presented this as a non negotiable, but there is NO WAY IN THE WORLD I would allow someone to dictate my sleep environment to the point where I did not get needed rest. That is allowing someone else to dictate my health choices.
I really hate it when others interrupt my sleep, and currently it is my little cat who is such a damned sleep interupter. i constanly push her out of bed. My dog, on the other hand, is a great sleeper.
DH goes to bed much earlier, and in another room. We dont clash about sleep patterns.
Chicken lady
8-16-17, 11:36am
No, see, mornings have been negotiated. Unless he wants to reopen negotiations on mornings, he needs to agree not to get in the bed until he is willing to turn everything off and go to sleep. And I need to take care of myself by getting to bed in time to get 8 hours of decent sleep.
he instant messaged me - I packed him soup and a fork. (He was laughing about it, not complaining) Clearly he has an interest in me starting my day rested.
It's time for you to take care of yourself and let him figure out his own damn lunch plans. Just sayin'. 😄
Teacher Terry
8-16-17, 2:08pm
We have 2 TV's and when I go to bed he can either do the same or go watch TV in the living room. This is non-negotiable. I get that you do his lunch because he works for pay more then you do. However, i would have to say I think you actually work as much or more then him between farm chores, paid work and house work and meals.
Chicken lady
8-16-17, 4:34pm
It's funny, everytime, everywhere I being this up, people get fixated on me making him food in the morning. I don't mind making him food in the morning. I mind being tired.
I fix his breakfast and pack him lunch not because he works more than I do, but because i love him, because it makes him feel loved and cared for. Because the lunch I pack is healthier for him than what he would buy. Because not having to go out for lunch sometimes means he comes home to me earlier, and because (although he doesn't care about either of these, it is cheaper and lower in environmental impact.)
while i I was painting, I was trying to imagine my ideal Wednesday. It does not include painting ceilings.
but it would start with waking up (well rested) in time to have a quiet first cup of coffee in a clean kitchen before packing dh lunch and fixing him breakfast. I'd have some more coffee while he ate breakfast and we had a short conversation about the day ahead, then kiss him goodbye, get dressed, and head out to do morning chores.
that was really as far as I got, but it's a good start.
You need to do what works for you as we all do but getting sleep is important for being all that you can and want to be.
I fully understand and agree with the breakfast gift of your effort.
In the '5 love languages' book, gifts of service are one way of showing love as are (2) total attention, (3) small actual gifts, (4) touching and (5) words of affirmation. Different people see demonstrations of love in terms that they value and if you can figure out your partner's favourite way of confirming, you are very wise indeed.
You need to do what works for you as we all do but getting sleep is important for being all that you can and want to be.
I fully understand and agree with the breakfast gift of your effort.
In the '5 love languages' book, gifts of service are one way of showing love as are (2) total attention, (3) small actual gifts, (4) touching and (5) words of affirmation. Different people see demonstrations of love in terms that they value and if you can figure out your partner's favourite way of confirming, you are very wise indeed.
One of the coolest things my husband does for me every morning is make coffee. I think it is so sweet, and his coffee always tastes better than my coffee, and when he is out of town, it doesn't even feel like a new day, without his pot of coffee.
Chicken Lady - have you tried napping in the afternoon or evening to help you get enough sleep? DH gets up early for work, 5:30ish, but always takes a nice long nap after dinner to get in his sleep. On the days he doesn't, he really feels it and is tired and run down.
Chicken lady
8-16-17, 7:19pm
The trouble with napping is that it tends to reset me either too much (I then can't go to sleep at night) or not enough - I wake up groggy and the rest of the afternoon/evening is shot.
also, in two weeks I'll be working during "nap" time 4 days a week. It's really a bedtime problem.
today I was tired after painting and wanted to skip giving the boy goats their August dose of wormer (again)
I channeled my Avett bros. song (decide what to be and go be it)
i told myself "I am a responsible farmer. Would a responsible farmer let the goats get two weeks behind on medication? No." So I wormed them. It wasn't as hard as i anticipated.
Chicken lady -
I honestly don't care if you make him lunch or not.
But here's the thing. Many times you ask about how to manage all the things in your life. And when people give suggestions about what to eliminate to simplify your life, you have reasons to keep everything.
Then a month or two later you again ask what to do about all the things in your life ...
and around we go.
I think you don't like to give anything up. But then you're exhausted.
There is no answer where you get to keep everything and also get to not feel tired.
I wonder if you're a 7 on the enneagram. They love all the things, all the experiences, all the possibilities. But they also feel all the stress ...until they learn to close the door to certain options in order to have some boundaries around everything.
Chicken lady
8-17-17, 6:54am
Tammy, I understand what you are saying, but in this case, I already had an area I felt needed to be worked on to solve the problem - bedtime. And the response immediately centered on morning.
Last night dd was talking to ds on FaceTime. At 9:30 I told them goodnight, and then I told dh (who was lying on the couch with his computer) that I was going to bed and not to come up until he was ready to turn everything off and go to sleep. And he followed me up with no computer.
The alarm went off at 6. I'm still feeling a little tired (and sore) because I was so worn out yesterday, but I was awake enough to manage utensils. Also, the kitchen wasn't clean because I talked to my boy and then went to bed instead of finishing it off last night (dd cooked and dd and dh washed the pots and pans, but there were a few too many plates fof the dishwasher and there are about 15 minutes of "goes in another room" lying around)
normally I would have mindlessly wandered around the house putting things away in a stupor because I was tired but little physical effort was required. I would have become distracted and sidetracked in various rooms, and the tidying up would have ended up costing me about 45 minutes of sleep.
i do think I get to keep everything. But I understand that I can't have all the everything all the time, so I am trying to figure out what "moderation" looks like for me. I think most of the stress is self-inflicted and I need to work on my attitude. Unfortunately the exhaustion comes from my brain refusing to accept that it is no longer working with 17 y.o. equipment.
I'm going to linger a bit with the coffee before chores.
Teacher Terry
8-17-17, 1:04pm
You have solved the sleep problem if you can keep to a schedule and have an agreement with DH that no electronics when you are trying to sleep. when I was a SAHM I made my husband's lunch because I had the time and he worked long hours. However, I made it the night before so I did not have to get up in the AM. Also I had the coffee pt ready to go so all he had to do was hit the on button. I put the mayo etc on the side so his sandwich would not get nasty. I do agree with Tammy that you are addicted to doing too much and then getting frustrated when you are tired. I did that when I was younger but as I have aged I have focused on making my life easier and simpler so I have time for the things I truly want to do. For instance I value spending a lot of time with my 4 doggies so walking, playing, grooming them are priorities for me. Dusting a million objects not so much which is why I have trimmed down in that area a lot. When I was young I just did it all. I like you sometimes get behind in the kitchen stuff and have a full sink of dirty dishes with a full dishwasher. When that happens I realize I am just sick of the task.
Chicken lady
8-18-17, 6:33am
Last night I did not sleep well. I was up for over two hours in the middle of the night. I got an email from someone I love late in the evening. She is in a heart breaking situation and all I can do right now is remind her that she is loved. There are many things I want to do, but I have learned not to barge into people's lives and start implementing plans they have not requested.
the dirty dishes are not bothering me at all.
Last night I did not sleep well. I was up for over two hours in the middle of the night. I got an email from someone I love late in the evening. She is in a heart breaking situation and all I can do right now is remind her that she is loved. There are many things I want to do, but I have learned not to barge into people's lives and start implementing plans they have not requested.
the dirty dishes are not bothering me at all.
You are learning and progressing to govern your thoughts, feelings and actions. It is a life-long process with many detours along the way in which you make discoveries that you need for the next part of your journey. No one said it was easy or straight forward. It is an adventure.
Chicken lady
8-22-17, 10:45am
Another internal rewrite needed.
this morning I called a government agency for help interpreting a publication that I want to use in my classroom. The woman on the other end of the phone could not find the electronic document I was looking at, even when I read her the url and the name and date of the publication. She said "let me go in the back and get someone who can help you, and she will call you right back. She then took my name and phone number.
that was 50 minutes ago.
i have now completely derailed my morning by spending 50 minutes doing one small unimportant task after another so that I would be available to answer the phone and have the page up on my computer.
If if I tell someone they will be called "right back." I make sure they get a call within 15 minutes, even if it is just me telling them I'm not sure when they will get the actual call they are waiting for. I spend a lot of time being accessible to people who say they are going to contact me.
i need to learn that unless someone has previously demonstrated that they have a similar world view "I will call (text, e-mail, etc) you" is exactly the same type of social communication as "hi, how are you?" It means "I am currently aware of your existence" and nothing more.
CL, that is so frustrating when it happens. I have a written list of must-do's that I refer to in those episodes so that I do feel some sense of accomplishment when waiting for another on a different time-table.
Teacher Terry
8-22-17, 12:16pm
I just give them my cell # and take it with me so I am not stuck waiting.
Chicken lady
8-22-17, 4:16pm
Yes, but where I needed to be was climbing up and down a ladder, where by the time I got down the ladder and put down the paint roller, the cell phone would have gone to messages. Or moving in and out of barns that block the cell signal, well away from my computer. Btw, they have not called back. I no longer expect them to call back. Which is the point from which I should have started.
it isn't about making my life more complex by planning better in order to make good use of my time while waiting for phone calls. It's about not waiting for phone calls. If the phone call is not the most important thing in my life (last time that happened was the afternoon my dad was in open heart surgery) or even my day, I need to let it go.
they'll call, and reach me. Or not reach me, or not call, and then later, when it is important enough, I'll call them again.
this "inner simplicity" thing doesn't involve investing your energy in the uncontrollable actions of others.
this "inner simplicity" thing doesn't involve investing your energy in the uncontrollable actions of others.
That is profound and very valuable to discover and implement. Smart woman!
Chicken lady
8-24-17, 6:57am
Yes, well, the implementing is the trick now isn't it.
today I am going to try to focus on getting all my paperwork ready for open house for my classes on Sunday.
"I am professional" so I don't just fake it and wing it (ok, usually I do. And realistically I know I'm going to diverge from this plan as soon as I figure out what these kids need from me. But step one is to make a good impression on their parents by looking as prepared as I feel.) by "fake it and wing it" I mean that my syllabus is my back up plan. I try to keep it general enough that it provides an umbrella for any possibility, but it's really an "outline of what we are going to do if nothing more interesting and engaging presents itself in relation to this subject"
like one year in pottery class, we were doing a slab unit. Then the science class had a visitor bring live reptiles and amphibians and talk about their role in the ecosystem. So we skipped class, went to their assembly, and the next week we made slab toad houses and butterfly fountains. The level of project engagement was much higher than if I had given them the original wider choice of projects while their friends were at the assembly.
but I am having trouble because "I am a mom" and my soul is with my heart daughter today and I am in "nothing else matters, prepared to drop everything" mode.
Chicken lady
8-29-17, 7:25am
The situation with heart daughter has gone from crisis to chronic, and so I am thinking about it less than all the time.
I've been getting to bed by ten and waking up naturally between 6 and 6:30.
i feel like I'm making some progress on my goals and I haven't found the area where I'm dropping balls yet.
the addition has started coming together and dh has been insisting on moving furniture into it, which is disrupting my environment. This is something that is very hard for me, and it makes me cranky, but I have my studio to retreat to, and soon I will be at school a lot of the week, and I will slowly adjust to the new environment.
CL, It is good to read you are getting enough rest now. It certainly makes the other disruptions easier to handle.
Chicken lady
8-30-17, 6:59am
Last night I had to stand up for my right to go to bed by myself and sleep without someone reading in bed. Dh agreed to go read in his study.
woke up at 5:30 this morning because he was tossing and turning and I couldn't go back to sleep, but I'm still not much short of 8 hours. Got to enjoy my coffee in the breakfast nook and watch the sun rise. (Well, it's foggy and cloudy, so more "watch trees and the barn appear slowly")
You are getting there! I love the wake-up to a foggy morning unfolding the day. Seems magical to me every time.
Another internal rewrite needed.
this morning I called a government agency for help interpreting a publication that I want to use in my classroom. The woman on the other end of the phone could not find the electronic document I was looking at, even when I read her the url and the name and date of the publication. She said "let me go in the back and get someone who can help you, and she will call you right back. She then took my name and phone number.
that was 50 minutes ago.
re.
Omg totally understand. I am still waiting on a computer battery replacement that i requested in the middle of summer. I did however get my new fridge yesterday! We broke ours the first day of school. I have a boss who really wants to help me but i am already starting a terrible year with just nothing working right, everyone too busy, and regular chaos. I can only manage so much of it before it starts to take way too much of my energy
Chicken lady
8-30-17, 9:43am
So you know the quote (Ghandi?) about happiness being when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony?
That only works if you can align all three of those things with reality and then manage your thoughts and use your words and actions to shape your life into something that actually makes you happy.
(Extreme examples: if you think you are worthless and without hope, you speak as if you have no opinions or value, and you accept living in an abusive situation or, if you are delusional, warn everyone you meet about the invading aliens, and barricade yourself in your basement - I doubt you will ever be "happy")
so that last line "I can only manage do much of it before it starts to take way to much of my energy." I suggest figuring out where "too much" is. Not "way too much." "Too much." You have a lot of stress factors in your life. If you look at each one, define it clearly (strip it of all the stuff in your head that isn't part of it - that's a big one for me. A dirty dish is a dish that has been used. Period. Everything else is me projecting "it needs to be washed" really? Did you just use it for toast? If you wipe the crumbs off will you be happy to eat your lunch on it? Etc.)
anyway, define it clearly and then examine how you are thinking about it - what you think it means, what needs to be done about it, who needs to do it, what the cost is to you and if it is worth it. Then you decide what to say, if anything, see if anything changes, and decide what to do.
Thanks chicken, it is a process and i need to stop and check my progress nkw and then. Many things that used to throw me off are not a big deal,and a new crop of things is arising
Btw i sent you a PM, if you have time
Chicken lady
8-31-17, 8:21am
Stayed up a little late last night to try to shift my schedule because ds comes in at ten tonight, the rehearsal dinner will go late, and the wedding will go very late. Managed to sleep until 7.
the next 4 days are about family.
Chicken lady
9-6-17, 5:29am
Working on keeping up with the day-to-day as the routine changes.
i am a person who wakes up at 5 a.m. (Half an hour before the alarm) the second day of school because the first day was so much fun and I am excited about going back....
so I have had time to relax with my coffee and the beautiful full moon.
dh helped with the dinner clean up last night without being asked. And he put his book away at bedtime with only a token complaint about how good the story was. He'll be getting up in a few minutes, so I'm off to pack lunches (mine too today) and make breakfast.
More progress! Good for you!
Those quiet moments in the morning sure do help with the day!
My authentic was working on my voice yesterday, the school hired a mindfulness coach, created a mindfulness room and a restorative justice staff. I did look at the job last year for the RJ position and it paid too low. But i was very surprised to see a separate mindfulness coach position this year. So i chatted with the dean of students about how the whole thing felt to me. I have volunteer taught mindfulness in classrooms for 3 years and it would have veen nice to have my suggestions in the process of this. As many in education know volunteering can be taken for granted. So many places i have volunteered have not given me interviews when there are paid jobs. I just shared a little of this and she was very receptive, and they have talked me up to the coach as well.i feel good that i checked in with her, I didn't have any way to know if they had passed on who i was to this staff, so at least a reminder to keep me included in yhd conversation
Chicken lady
9-6-17, 9:27pm
I'm glad you're speaking up for yourself Zoe girl.
i am working in not being attached to other people's outcomes this week. It is very hard when the other people are minors.
back when I was attending the UU church regularly, every week we used to stand and say "love is the spirit of this fellowship, and service is it's law. To dwell together in peace, to speak the truth in love, to help one another - This is our covenant." There have been a few moments already this year when I have wanted to write on my board: "Dwell together in peace. Speak the truth in love. Help one another. And please ask your parents to send in a hand towel!"
i think the part I am struggling with with some of them right now is speaking the truth in love. It's good that I don't teach in a public school, because today I was at the complete end of my rope with two little boys, and I just reached out and put one arm around each of them and pulled them in for a hug. It seemed to help. Another teacher told me she is throwing one of them out of her class. "I've had him for four years, and I just can't do it anymore." It's the second day. I completely understand, but I also wonder, how do we get him from where he is to a guy you would want your child to date? A valued employee? A good neighbor? Will throwing him out help? Will it help the other kids?
i am a thrower of starfish. I don't want to go find the children I can actually help and focus on them and write the others off. I just want to help whichever kid is currently in front of me.
I just want to help whichever kid is currently in front of me. I love this statement. Sadly there isn't always time to do that as there are 25 others clamoring for help.
Chicken lady
9-9-17, 7:47am
Yesterday I overheard one of my students talking to another student.
The first student is one who came in with a life plan at the beginning of last year that reflected a lot of stuff in her life that isn't good and a lack of information on her options. It took me several months to get her to trust me enough to even let me give her information.
the second student I'm still trying to reach. But the first student was reaching back, because she was saying "....you don't know that. You can't just write college off. There's a lot of different colleges that can help you with all kinds of things. I wasn't going to go to college, and now I am because of (chicken lady)"
:) "it makes a difference to this one."
That's great, CL. Those successes keep you going.
Chicken lady
9-12-17, 7:11am
I am starting to feel stressed about my schedule and all the things I want to do.
i am still managing bedtime and my sleep well.
i am still making time to sit with my coffee in the morning (but I feel like I should get up and do something)
i am mostly keeping up with the kitchen so that I do not face a mess in the morning.
i am cooking and eating healthy food.
i am keeping up with my chores, except - yesterday I forgot the milk in the freezer and broke a jar, and I skipped brushing the rabbit. I will brush the rabbit this evening.
i added the food bank back into my schedule yesterday, and today I am going to start exercising again (tu/th morning - 45 minutes on the bike, but maybe 30 this first week)
i think it was the milk and the bunny that did it. They are small things, but they are triggering the voices in my head about how I am irresponsible and unable to manage my life. And I have been letting my pottery slide the last two weeks.
i need to tell myself - in the last two weeks I had an open house for school, my son got married and I hosted a brunch for 30 relatives in my house with four extra people sleeping in my house, I taught my first week of classes, and I subbed for two extra classes. And I also started volunteering again, planted the last two crepe myrtles yesterday, did all that stuff on my list, kept up with the trash and the recycling, and didn't let anybody run out of clean clothes.
and my friend stopped by Sunday afternoon. Which was nice, but also an unplanned event in a fully planned day. (Bumping my crepe myrtles)
i think I need to spend my coffee time thinking about all the stuff I accomplished the day before instead of all the stuff I need to do in the coming day.
I think I need to spend my coffee time thinking about all the stuff I accomplished the day before instead of all the stuff I need to do in the coming That seems to be VERY productive CL, to focus on what you have done. I am exhausted just reading the list. You have 5 major daily routines you are developing and doing. I'd give myself gold stars for each one! Breathe my dear and stop berating yourself. Much easier said than done, but worth the effort.
I think I need to spend my coffee time thinking about all the stuff I accomplished the day before instead of all the stuff I need to do in the coming That seems to be VERY productive CL, to focus on what you have done. I am exhausted just reading the list. You have 5 major daily routines you are developing and doing. I'd give myself gold stars for each one! Breathe my dear and stop berating yourself. Much easier said than done, but worth the effort.
Chicken Lady's lists always exhaust me, too. I focus on one or two "must-do" items, and if anything else gets done, hurray for me. I acknowledge my reality is affected by being retired, though.
Chicken lady
9-12-17, 1:59pm
But chicken lady needs a list to remember to eat. What would my two item list say? "Eat" "go to bed"?
I mean, most other people clean up their kitchens, right? How many of you just do that without putting it on a list and when you get up to get breakfast there is a clean space on the counter? Probably most? I forgot to look at my list before I left this morning, and I forgot my lunch. As in, I never packed it.
But chicken lady needs a list to remember to eat. What would my two item list say? "Eat" "go to bed"?
I mean, most other people clean up their kitchens, right? How many of you just do that without putting it on a list and when you get up to get breakfast there is a clean space on the counter? Probably most? I forgot to look at my list before I left this morning, and I forgot my lunch. As in, I never packed it.
I've had "clean kitchen" on my to-do list forever. I expect it will be reasonably clean when I move. Today's to-do involves getting the garbage/compost to the curb.
Chicken lady
9-12-17, 6:57pm
When I write "clean kitchen" I pretty much mean "remove random objects, school work, laundry, dirty dishes, leftovers and mail from food prep counter."
Chicken lady
9-14-17, 7:21am
Tuesday I had caffeine after dinner for the first time in a long time. Tuesday night I woke up in the middle of the night with an anxiety attack - for the first time in a long time. Hunh. (The scientific method requires me to repeat the experiment, right? -lol.)
Yesterday I washed the sheets and last night I was very tired and I asked dh to help make the bed at bedtime. He did, but he looked at me and said, very matter of fact "I hate making beds. It's one of my absolute least favorite things." Message recieved, make bed when not exhausted, ask dh to do something else.
more importantly, messages NOT internalized, I did not react by internally telling myself what a failure I was and how I was dissapointing him and putting him out. I just thought "ok, next time I'll make the bed earlier and whatever I don't get to, I'll ask him to help with that." Inner peace - one chore at a time.
And every time your husband has a chore that he hates so you do it for him, then you get to tell him of a chore that you hate so he does it for you in the future.
Just keeping things equitable.
We do both make an effort to try to share the least favorite chores at our house. For some reason, mine that I always seem to get stuckwith is emptying the dishwasher. Well, also filling the dishwasher.
I was out of town for a week and my husband said "My God, I had not idea how much you do around here, I promise, I promise I will do more!"
So maybe go out of town!
Chicken lady
9-14-17, 10:02am
Tammy, as that was previously my chore I don't think that is going to work. If I give him half my chores, do I have to take half of his? That will probably go badly as most of the division is based on skill sets. And I don't really mind making the bed except when I'm really tired and I just want to lie in it. It goes faster w/two people.
both of us find "keeping up" easier when the other person is gone. Dh is naturally neat, so he is not faced with random piles of abandoned belongings and projects everywhere he turns, and I mostly stop cooking and so have very few dishes (I eat raw fruits and veggies and nuts and milk and chunks of cheese and bread)
he has agreed to cook once a week, he has been helping with the dishes and menu planning, and I am trying to keep things picked up. Honestly, he is doing better, but I have further to go.
iris lilies
9-14-17, 10:17am
And every time your husband has a chore that he hates so you do it for him, then you get to tell him of a chore that you hate so he does it for you in the future.
Just keeping things equitable.
Scorekeeping and tit for tat treatment in marriage is a recipe for unhappiness.
I think CL handled this well in that she didnt internalize her husband's request for "no mas bed linen servicing. " That is the main point of her post, it is not about another task that her DH unfairly sticks to her.
I myself am working through a "not good for my marriage" issue which I will probably report on when I come out on the other side, hopefully in a few weeks when my decision has "stuck." This one has been very tricky for me. Stay tuned, haha, as if anyone cares. But it is about being authentic, the title of this thread.
Chicken lady
9-16-17, 8:01am
Iris lilies, i thought i posted a reply!
Do please share your journey with us if it helps you. I care.
And yes, that was exactly my focus on the issue.
I went to a arty thursday night. By myself. This is. Huge, huge thing. My oldest chid stopped by an hour in to get her dh's books from my car and gave me a hug and told me how proud she was of me (and then gave me a litle nudge to go back in because i think she could tell i was abut to tart asking her to stay.)
It was a kick off party for a kickstarter campaign - the studio where i take classes is trying to raise money to install a new, high efficiency gas kiln. The intent is both environmental and overhead, but they can't afford the investment up front, and are trying to do it this way so that they can freeze prices on firing and school field trips (for ten years!) instead of having to raise them because of a loan. (or rising energy costs)
I won two kiln loads of firing in the "small" electric kiln playing roulette! That is several hundred dollars worth of firing, and it allows me to use high fire studio glaze (i do have to pay for the glaze, but it is very reasonable) basically, i got a huge discount on an expanded opportunity in my work that i have considered several times, but never been able to justify to myself. It feels likethe universe is signing on to help push me toward my goals.
Now i have to do my part and buckle down and produce the work to take advantage of this opportunity!
mschrisgo2
9-16-17, 4:18pm
Wow! I love when the Universe aligns and shows us our paths!
Chicken lady
9-17-17, 7:50am
So i slept "late". - woke up at 6:45, and have been sitying here by the window with my coffee as the sun opens the woods. (trying not tothink about things i want to do to change the view (vine off that tree, native flowering tree there, branch out of the yard.....)
Dh is still sleeping, so i am trying not to bother him, but in a few minutes i'm going to go get dressed and do chores. I would like to hang some hooks in my laundry room for chore clothes so i can do that on days like this without bothering him.
I have too much planned for today, so i'll see what i get to. It is almost all fun or at least satisfying.
Reflecting back on the last two weeks -
my son got married and i had a lot of company.
i have added back my job.
i have added back a minimal exercise program.
i pushed myself to get out of my box and attend a social event.
i have vastly improved my sleep schedule.
i lost two pounds.
i have begun a routine of cleaning up my kitchen every night.
i have gone back to helping at the food bank on mondays.
Many nights i have been exhausted by bedtime, but i am sleeping well and even on the short nights (party Thursday, teach friday) i am only tired in the morning and able to throw myself into my day with interest if not always enthusiasm. And i have done this without losing notable ground anywhere important. (interestingly, dh, who is now helping with the cooking and dishes and feeding the cat more, keeps saying "i'm so tired")
I have yet to figure out where expanded time for my art is going to fit into this picture, but i am feling optimistic rather than discouraged. All that *I* have left to do on the addition is the staining/sealing of trim and the "hold this/hand me/bring me"s. then also the final "moving in" which will be fun!
Oh, almost forgot to add a really big step for me. Enrollment where i teach is "at will" either the family or the teacher can remove a child from a class at anytime with the only reason required being "i don't feel that this class is a good fit for this child at this time.". I have NEVER removed a child from a class. My approach has always been to add to my workload until i made the class work for everyone. I once had a kid who was expelled after being tossed out of every class but mine and i was still fighting to work out a way to keep her.
On friday i went to my administration about two children. I am now participating in the "create a paper trail" plan to present to the first child's parents in two weeks when we "suggest" she move back to a younger group (where she belongs - or leave) and the educational resource specialist will be attending my class next week to see if SHE can offer enough support to allow the other child to attend my class without me having to do significant adaptation.
I also made the decision to allow one of my classes to be cancelled rather than teach it for significantly reduced pay, even though it means two kids will not have any art classes this year.
Some starfish are too heavy to throw by yourself.
Chicken lady
9-19-17, 8:25am
Yesterday i got in an hour and 45 minutes of work in my studio. But i did not make cookies. Dh got no dessert today. (he did not complainbut he does realy like dessert. He will probably buy poptarts from the vending machine.)
I m starting to try to annalyze where i spend my time. As that should be a reflection of my values.
There are 168 hours in a week. I want to spend 56 of those sleeping.
112 hours.
I spend 8 driving toand from work and 22 actually at work (although i am only paid for 18 of those. That does include time to eat 4 lunches every week and 2.5 hours of unpaid, in classroom planning time)
82 hours.
i spend about 14 hours a week on basic care of the animals.
68 hours.
about an hour and 40 minutes a week making dh breakfast and packing his lunch.
66 hours 20 minutes.
4 hours a week at the food bank including commute.
62 hours, 20 minutes.
2 hours, 20 minutes to clean up the kitchen every night.
60 hours.
currently 1.5 hours a week on exercise, althoughi would like to increase that to at least 3.
58.5 hours.
so, that leaves 58.5 hours a week for eating, personal care/hygiene, increased exercise, additional class prep, pottery, talking to my family on the phone or computer, doing stuff with dh, other internet pursuits, errands, appointments, reading, yard and garden work, housekeeping and laundry, cooking and baking, extra barn/animal work, friends, hobbies, and anything i forgot.
I need to figure out where those Hours are currently going.
So far this morning i got up at 5:30. Made lunch and breakfast, did morning chores, got the poundcake in the oven, and got on the exercise bike (where i am now). If we got to 8:30(when i will still be on the bike) that is 3 hours, of which i have accounted for 2 hours and fifteen minutes.
The rest of the time was spent drinking coffee online, eating breakfast with dh, and wandering round the house doing i have no idea. I o think the quiet coffee in he morning is important though, and i am willing to allow 30 minutes for it. It usually includes checking my mail (and sometimes replying) and checking in with my online (anti)hoarding support group.
I need to pay close attention to when i am online doing things ("killing" time), vs. doing things online.
Having time to simply think is very important because that is the time for the mind to create and evolve your future. Set some hours each week for just thinking/dreaming as it is just as important as food and sleep.
Teacher Terry
9-19-17, 1:28pm
CL: it might be better to only do volunteer work when you are not teaching like summers. It would free up some time. Instead of your kitchen being your dumping ground for random stuff is there an extra bedroom you can use? I love that you have a table set up for your paperwork. With a schedule as packed as yours you should never berate yourself for missing something. Also time to just be and think is really important.
Chicken lady
9-19-17, 5:59pm
Teacher Terry, I appreciate what you are saying, but the food bank is important to me. I am needed and it is really the only thing I do in my local community. I do not attend a church or belong to a club (I do help out with 4H, but only minimally during the school year, generally in emergencies or with some information by e-mail.) I have talked to dh about it. Monday is also appointment day, so sometimes I can't go - like this coming Monday when my counters are being installed.
we had some room use changes today and I can no longer use my classroom during my planning period, which is very inconvenient. I will work around it. Mostly I was upset because it was a surprise and I had made plans for today that required me to be in there. I had to spend the time redoing my lesson plan instead of prepping for it.
i am working on not having dumping grounds for random stuff. :) school related stuff now goes back to my table, but groceries and mail get left on the counter, and generally everything hits the counter when I get home - today for example, I dropped it all and fixed a snack. Sometimes I remember to pack both my lunch and an after school snack, but usually I get home hungry and tired.
my mind wandering/thinking time is in the morning with coffee, during my commute, and when I am working in the studio (what was the shaker saying, "hands to work, hearts to god?") I usually also take some down time when I first get home, but I need to not let it stretch out too long.
i worked in the studio for an hour and 25 minutes and ran a load of laundry before I left for work. I ran an errand on the way home, and I have had my snack. I should - ack! There is that word! Reset! - My evening will probably be smoother and more pleasant if I unload the car to the places where everything goes - another habit I'd like to start! And chop up the ingredients for dinner so that I can make it quickly and easily when dh gets home later - not sure when, but at least an hour.
my day will be better tomorrow if I go over the lesson plans this evening, and my dh will be happier if I make cookies. I can chop while the cookies are in the oven...
Chicken lady
9-20-17, 7:04am
Baking. I spend about 2 hours a week baking.
56.5
baking could definitely be punted on busy weeks. We have good bakeries here.
today is a contemplative day, I am sick. My throat hurts and my head is pounding. I am looking over the school year trends. This is about the time we are settling in and I will get sick. Just enough new germs from kids and exhaustion from setting up the school year. I know it, and can't always seem to change it.
I am encouraged by breaking down the week like that, I have some projects I say I don't have time for and then realize how I can waste time in other ways. I do have an assistant right now!! I can learn to delegate a lot more. I left at 5:20 last night and leave at 5:30 on Thursdays. (program goes to 6). I want to focus more on the maker faire coming up which is very exciting and energizing, and could be overwhelming if I don't plan it well.
I
Chicken lady
9-20-17, 6:55pm
Zoe girl, all I've got is what you probably already know - wash your hands, sleep, eat healthy good, stay hydrated.
keep checking how what you are doing lines up with what you say you want to do.
i am tired tonight. I had my dinner early when I got home, then my dd2 called and I had a nice "visit" with her - stretched out on the bed for an hour.
then I had a snack. I had identified this evening as a "large block of time" because dh is getting home late tonight, but it's in danger of becoming "lost" time. I don't have the energy to be creative, but I certainly have the energy to put away laundry and sort paperwork so I can be creative later.
one mistake I made was having an alcoholic drink (3.2% fruity beer)with dinner instead of tea. One cup of tea would have been a better choice. I am thinking about having that now, but it is getting late for caffeine.
Chicken lady
9-21-17, 6:48pm
My life is exhausting me.
my starfish are exhausting. The weather (hot and humid) is exhausting. My boss and my coworkers are exhausting. And I am sick of cleaning up the expletive kitchen.
i don't have the energy to do the creative things I want to do because I am too busy maintaining my environment (I don't need to hear about my stuff - I'm talking the sheer volume of September paperwork, dirty dishes, dirty floors, laundry, and not running out of food and gasoline.) and dealing with interpersonal crap I am not equipped for.
also, I am making bad food choices and all my pants are too tight again.
i went to see my heart daughter after school today (she teaches down the hall) I told her about a bunch of stuff that has been happening with me there logistically. It has been a very frustrating week administratively, but in the end, I am getting everything I want and more than is fair. I told her I am not sure if it is because people like me and they want me to be happy, or because I have been a pain in the *55. She said to assume it was the first one. But I'm pretty sure at least some of it is the second. And I really don't mind if one change was due to being difficult, as long as I hit my target on that one. But there is rarely such a thing as a surgical strike in a complex organization. And I feel really bad if it spread far enough to bring about everything. I am not a person who throws a fit to get her way.
I do not have the social skills to find out. I mean, I asked someone point blank who should know that they should just give me a straight answer, and they were very reassuring. But they were also very polite. I don't trust very polite. I can't read subtext, body language, or moderate facial clues. And the polite person knows this.
tomorrow I am taking the broody hen and her 4 chicks to school. Dh is cooking dinner.
Teacher Terry
9-21-17, 7:06pm
Sending you a big hug CL:)) Bureaucracies can be so hard to deal with. That is one reason I retired. I loved the work but the other stuff not so much. You probably feel the same way. It sounds like you need a break from all the drudgery of life. Maybe have your DH bring takeout a few nights to give you a break. When you can't read body language it is tough but it is just a part of life you have to accept. You sound like a warm, caring person so focus on all the good things you do. I am glad your DH is helping you more.
Sending you a big hug CL:)) Bureaucracies can be so hard to deal with. That is one reason I retired. I loved the work but the other stuff not so much. You probably feel the same way. It sounds like you need a break from all the drudgery of life. Maybe have your DH bring takeout a few nights to give you a break. When you can't read body language it is tough but it is just a part of life you have to accept. You sound like a warm, caring person so focus on all the good things you do. I am glad your DH is helping you more.
I think TT is right on here. I also want to say that there is probably nothing wrong with you--none of us can read polite, that is why polite is used, to avoid conflict and smoothe social situations. Remember what they say in recovery, you can only keep your side of the street clean, do what you think right. How someone else responds is out of your control, and what they think is "not your business."
If that helps! If not, please ignore, :)
I am dealing with the admin stuff as well, i don't always know if it is reading body language or if it when things don't match up, i think i am very similar in personality honestly and i say I don't read body language or understand politics at work very well also. I like my kids and a lot of creative projects. So there is a sense when things are in authentic that throws my entire radar off. I can't read anything and usually i stumble around as well,
Thanks, this helped me figure something out that has been bothering me.
Chicken lady
9-22-17, 6:48pm
Glad if I helped.
today was easier. The chickens were a big help. I am still very tired, but feeling better.
The very polite person was warm and friendly today and made a point of showing me how nice her new space is, so I don't think I upset her anyway, so that is one step back the chain. I am just going to enjoy my gains and if it is the spoils of war, so be it.
i am going to relax and be kind to myself this evening. Maybe putter around a bit or put away some laundry. Dh is playing golf tomorrow and I plan to head out to my studio the minute he leaves. (Unless I sleep too late and have to milk a goat first).
it is the equinox and normally I would be out by the fire I have prepared for, but I think tonight I will light candles instead. If I miss the bonfire, well, it will still be autumn tomorrow.
Chicken lady
9-26-17, 5:55am
I was feeling pretty good over the weekend, but then the counter guys were here for a long time yesterday. I am tired and unsettled. I am fairly certain I have double or triple booked most of my time today. I am subbing.
pull focus -
dh lunch is packed. I need to pack mine and feed us both breakfast.
chores, double check water - I'll be gone all day.
don't leave the jars of milk in the freezer.
be sure I leave with lunch and everything I need to teach and sub.
plan for tomorrow during study hall.
buy bread and a few other items on the way home to keep us in meals through tomorrow dinner.
cook
chores
Clean up kitchen (s)
those are all the things I actually must do to not fall behind. (If I forget lunch, I'll just be hungry)
a load of laundry would be nice.
that is not a hard day.
Teacher Terry
9-26-17, 8:18pm
I used to make lunches the night before but put the condiments separate so as not to make the sandwich soggy. Another thing I did to save time was only grocery shop once every 2 weeks. Then I only needed to grab fruit, milk etc as needed. I also kept some easy meals on hand for when I was tired.
Chicken lady
9-26-17, 9:58pm
I did all those things - even the laundry although it is still in the dryer.
i even remembered my lunch.
it was a little bit hard. I am tired.and now it is bedtime.
i am working on my evenings. So moving work from morning to evening would be the opposite of helpful.
Chicken lady
9-28-17, 9:09pm
I had a fantastic day at work today. I learned a new skill and I made a breakthrough with a kid. Nothing broke in the kiln. And I found my cellphone, which I lost on Tuesday (it's an 11 y.o. Flip phone, so it was really about figuring out where I put it down. Nobody is going to walk off with it.)
still tired, still struggling with daily life, but I hit a high note. And I saw it when it happened. I was pushing the kid to try something and thinking "this could go well, or really badly, and you cannot, cannot, let her know you have any doubts about which it is going to be." And then all of a sudden, she cooperated, and it went really well! So next time will be easier, because she trusts me more now. I actually considered doing a cartwheel in the hall after school, but then I remembered I am almost 50 and have not done cartwheels in years.
laundry is slipping and the house needs to be cleaned and I haven't really spent time on my pottery goals this week. But right now, I feel good about where I am.
iris lilies
9-28-17, 10:03pm
I had a fantastic day at work today. I learned a new skill and I made a breakthrough with a kid. Nothing broke in the kiln. And I found my cellphone, which I lost on Tuesday (it's an 11 y.o. Flip phone, so it was really about figuring out where I put it down. Nobody is going to walk off with it.)
still tired, still struggling with daily life, but I hit a high note. And I saw it when it happened. I was pushing the kid to try something and thinking "this could go well, or really badly, and you cannot, cannot, let her know you have any doubts about which it is going to be." And then all of a sudden, she cooperated, and it went really well! So next time will be easier, because she trusts me more now. I actually considered doing a cartwheel in the hall after school, but then I remembered I am almost 50 and have not done cartwheels in years.
laundry is slipping and the house needs to be cleaned and I haven't really spent time on my pottery goals this week. But right now, I feel good about where I am.
Aww, that is great!
CL Take the joy of breaking through-what happened with the child today will keep benefiting you for the rest of the year!
Congratulations!
CL, totally hear you. I am glad the weather is changing, I am easily able to go 2 weeks without laundry. Not my favorite underwear by then but with a few handwash items I could go 3 weeks in the fall and winter season. I am hiking all day tomorrow and have one thing on Sunday, plus I get home at the earliest 6:30 and the laundry room closes by 9. Not ideal to do laundry here,
Long day here at camp, but making baby step progress on the paperwork part. It is harder when there is a program running with the kids to focus, and I didn't care about the sugar thing and ate a chocolate doughnut from the teacher's meeting.
Chicken lady
10-1-17, 8:23am
Yesterday I relaxed. I did not do any of the things I need to do, or any of the things I "should" do, I just spent time with dh, helped put knobs on the cabinets, read, made dinner, and did some laundry and mending. I enjoyed sitting by the windows in my new space and soaking up fresh air and sunlight.
we have wild turkeys who come through the yard every morning. Many days I don't see them because I am getting ready or have left for work when they come through, but on weekends I enjoy watching them pick through my yard for food.
i have been thinking about my evenings. Now that it is getting dark earlier, I am done with chores before 8. That will keep shifting earlier as we move into winter, and leaves me useful time before bed, but once the sun goes down, I have a lot less energy. I need to make a list of quiet sitting things I can do in the evenings to keep myself from frittering that time away on the iPad. It is good time for small housework like cleaning up dishes and putting away laundry, but dh tends to sit in one place in the evenings and I like to be near him. Mending, knitting, reading, simple paperwork for school. Those are a good start.
I shoot for 8 o clock "shut off" meaning it should be the end of the working day--sometimes I am successful, sometimes not. It's easier in the winter, when there's less sun. I like to read or do something fun then like knitting, but no household chores or work after that.
Again, not always successful, but that's what I strive for.
Chicken lady
10-1-17, 10:30am
Well, my mind tends to shut off by then, and large motor activity keeps me awake. So, small, mindless tasks like folding laundry or stapling handouts are good. Anything that creates order in my house increases my sense of peace and comfort, so those are good evening things too. Things that create mess and disorder (like lesson planning or a large craft project) are bad.
Chicken lady
10-5-17, 10:41pm
This has been an extremely difficult week. Dh is out of town for work, and while he has been really good about calling and sending me ims, my anxiety level has been very high. I will be glad to have him home tomorrow night.
i have not been managing well, but I have been managing. Progress in some areas and limited backsliding.
he says the break in his routine has him rethinking his life, so maybe we will do some planning and evaluating together when he gets home.
This has been an extremely difficult week. Dh is out of town for work, and while he has been really good about calling and sending me ims, my anxiety level has been very high. I will be glad to have him home tomorrow night.
i have not been managing well, but I have been managing. Progress in some areas and limited backsliding.
he says the break in his routine has him rethinking his life, so maybe we will do some planning and evaluating together when he gets home.
Sorry to hear this. Is your anxiety and difficulty because he's gone, or something else?
Teacher Terry
10-6-17, 7:13pm
Sometimes rethinking your life and making positive changes can be so beneficial. We only get 1 life so better to make some changes then to keep the status quo sometimes. It will be interesting CL to see what he is thinking about. Life is about change.
Chicken lady
10-6-17, 8:48pm
Most of the anxiety is because he is gone - some of it is focused on him being gone, and other areas are issues that I always have anxiety over but having him here helps mitigate.
he had a much healthier work schedule on his trip, so I am hoping he is thinking about making some changes in that direction!
Sometimes rethinking your life and making positive changes can be so beneficial. We only get 1 life so better to make some changes then to keep the status quo sometimes. It will be interesting CL to see what he is thinking about. Life is about change.
We only get one life? Drat. There go all my plans...>:(
Chicken lady
10-12-17, 6:30am
I am struggling with one of my starfish again.
i am catching myself making poor choices.
last night in particular the irony was thick enough to cut with a knife. “I am angry and frustrated and sad about this child who is making bad choices. I will go home and eat a bag of chips. Then later I will have a drink so I can go to sleep.”
dh is working on his schedule and exercise program. Last night he found a 15 minute cardio workout he wants to start doing at home instead of driving to the fitness center after work 2x a week. I however, need to rejoin the fitness center because I need to swim. Swimming after work yesterday would have been so much better than chips and booze.
wedging clay would have been better too, and I have no excuse for not doing that.
You can do it today. Some nights, days just fill our heads with noise we cannot get rid of. Wedging clay sounds like great exercise and it's very useful to you.
Chicken lady
10-14-17, 9:30am
I had joked with a coworker that I was going to buy a rosary and use it to pray the serenity prayer.
someone gave me a starfish charm, and I put it on a neck chain and wore it to work yesterday. I have never really understood the wearing of religious jewelry. Other than it seemed like “group signaling” and often hypocritical at that. But I found myself touching the starfish throughout the day and recentering.
i do not have a “Religion” with a formal structure and external rules and “official” symbols, and while my spirituality draws from a variety of sources, it has always felt wrong to adopt most of the symbolism that goes along. (I would never really co-opt a rosary) but I think I understand it better now. In some ways my starfish fills a void I didn’t realize was there.
Cl, That's interesting. Beads are used in lots of cultures for centering, I think. I made some for a chakra meditation and found them soothing and centering. So I suspect the starfish does the same.
JaneV2.0
10-14-17, 12:11pm
Cl, That's interesting. Beads are used in lots of cultures for centering, I think. I made some for a chakra meditation and found them soothing and centering. So I suspect the starfish does the same.
This--prayer beads, whatever the configuration, are a tool. I would say buy some or make some, and see if they help you focus.
I have a couple of pretty crosses that i wear occasionally--I explained to a friend that i do it to annoy the Pope who complained about Madonna doing so years ago. I don't like the signalling aspect of them, but I figure they're legit as long as the Church claims me. :~)
I love the Idea of a starfish on a chain.
Chicken lady
10-16-17, 7:25am
I spent most of the weekend reconnecting with dh. It was good.
my heart daughter is in crisis again (obviously bad)
today I am going to help at the food bank and then recenter on hestia (home, hearth, source of comfort and nourishment - feeding my own flame so that I can warm others.)
Chicken lady
10-21-17, 7:24am
Heart daughter is doing somewhat better.
i am in over my head with my students.
[i posted a lot of details about that but then felt uncomfortable because if someone who worked at my job read it they would probably know who I am, not because of misconduct or child identifying details - although I guess that same person would know who the children are too. Basically - The kids have problems I am not equipped to handle. We do not have staff trained to handle these problems. Sometimes I feel like I make the problems worse simply by not knowing how to help when help is sought.]
i am staying home all day today. I am going to focus on my critters and my clay. I started a new class from a fantastic teacher and he gave us a lot of homework.
i have to remember the whole story about the starfish. The boy cannot throw them all back. He will have to rest. Some of the starfish aren’t going to make it and that is not his fault. And he will be most effective if he picks up only the starfish he has the best chance of helping.
Triage doesn’t always mean starting with the person in the worst condition. Sometimes you look at the tools you have and the problem that needs to be solved and you move on. I am neither a surgeon nor a chaplain. Most of the time I feel like the guy who grabbed the medic’s half used gear and kept running after the medic was killed.
clay. Chickens. Maybe fire.
Teacher Terry
10-21-17, 3:25pm
I think you are at a private school but wondering if you have a social worker? Some states don't have school SWer's but some do. Also if you have any special education teachers they should be trained on problems with kids, etc. Sorry the kids have so many issues. It is sad.
Chicken lady
10-21-17, 5:47pm
We have a school counselor. Some of what I deleted was about her. In short, she is not a resource. That will not be changed by the administration.
We do have an educational resource specialist who has been a great help to me with “special needs” kids.
what I need is someone to help me help the kids whose “special needs” involve bad choices, bad (but not reportable) families, and incarceration and mental illness in their immediate circle. That SHOULD be the school counselor. But see first statements. the actual team is me, the other art teacher, and one social sciences teacher.
Teacher Terry
10-21-17, 5:55pm
Oh CL that is terrible. So sorry for the kids and the teachers that care.
Chicken lady
10-21-17, 8:57pm
I took a mental health day. I decided I didn’t have the creative energy to do my homework even though it is “fun” stuff. Minimal chicken time. Pleasant fire inside rather than big fire outside.
mschrisgo2
10-23-17, 12:30am
Congratulations on the mental health day!
I think those are going to be crucial for you as you deal with your current students.
Hey CL, i hear where you are coming from. The situations our kids are in are often so difficult. I realized in one rough year that i also couldn't talk about it for privacy and because i was freaking out friends who didn't do this kind of work. If you ever want to private message talk about it let me know, i have a lot kept private in my head
Chicken lady
10-24-17, 6:37am
Yesterday evening I finally got to my homework for pottery class. It did not go well. I don’t know if the problem is that I am out of practice (I’ve been hand building rather than throwing for months) the new clay, the stress (I found myself holding m6 breath and my shoulder is so sore this morning), or what.
i am trying to treat myself gently, as I would my students - i’ve totally got the new coning technique, I did really well with the new pull in the first stages, i’m getting better ribbing the surface smooth ...
but what I see is a huge pile of clay that has to be reworked, and 5 pots - only one of which is (barely) acceptable to turn in.
I need to practice. I have a really hard time prioritizing that because it is just for me. Me practicing is of no benefit at all to anyone else. It will not even result in an improvement of my work that will make a significant contribution to our finances.
i came back in from the studio and cried.
i just feel “tapped out” in a way I haven’t since my kids were tiny. I contributed to a kickstarter and I got an email yesterday asking me to answer “a few simple questions” (name and shipping address) to get my reward, and my gut reaction was “NO” as in, I just don’t want anyone to ask me to do one more thing
i worked at the food bank yesterday. One of the regulars had just left with chest pains when I arrived.
Cl, sounds to me as if this class is just what you need. A reason to practice what you love JUST FOR YOU! If you don't fill the well, there's nothing left for anyone else so fill your well with clay practice. The world will go on without you for a few hours.
mschrisgo2
10-24-17, 2:04pm
Ah, CL... Please be very gentle with yourself. You have just completed a 2 year-and-8-month heavy push and focus on the addition to your house. You all enjoyed being in that space Sunday evening. It is natural to feel a letdown when something big has been accomplished. And that letdown expresses differently in different people. I see yours as not wanting to be pushed to do anything right now, including homework for your pottery class. Plus there may be a little bit of- guilt? - about "selfishly" using time for yourself- and you get to have a whole lot more time now. This is what you've been working towards, time and space, and ease in your life. Take it slowly, embrace it one step at a time.
Chicken lady
10-24-17, 2:14pm
Well, I went back to the homework again this morning, and it was better. I have three pieces that meet the requirements (i’d give me a C) one that I like but it doesn’t meet the requirements (due to size) and one that I like but it doesn’t meet the requirements (due to theme) but I have a friend who might be able to help me brainstorm a way to fudge that before class.
i am going to try to find an hour every day - preferably in the mornings - to throw.
Also, I found myself filling water buckets this morning and trying to figure out how I could avoid “wasting time” standing there with the hose. I was contemplating various ways to secure the hose, but then I decided to do some yoga poses that allowed hose holding and work on my breathing. I set a timer. It turns out it only takes 20 seconds to fill a bucket. So now I will have “one minute bucket yoga” every morning.
Love it! "one minute bucket yoga" is clever use of time and efficient. I did something similar with my watering cans using the rain barrels. Our municipal water bill in this area is high. I figured out how much time I had carrying and pouring depending on where I was working. I would open the tap full for nearby and partially close it for pots or gardens further afield. By the time I returned, the watering can was full and I simply replaced the full with the empty.
Chicken lady
10-24-17, 10:43pm
So, apparently this is another example of being my own worse critic.
We put all of our work out on the table in groups by concept. The instructor chose three he liked best from each group to put on a turn table and discuss. Since not everyone brought examples for every concept, some groups were larger than others. From the largest group he chose one of mine (even though he acknowledged that is broke the size rules). He also chose another of my pieces from a large group and said nice things about a third which was selected because only 3 of us tried that concept. I did not find a good place for my off topic piece, but I got positive comments on it from a couple of classmates, including one who does work I find really impressive.
iris lilies
10-24-17, 11:10pm
Hey that is good, you are making worthwhile progress even if you cant see it.
mschrisgo2
10-25-17, 12:00am
Good for you- for taking even the pieces that didn't exactly fit the concept, for attempting all of them, for recognizing yourself as critic, and for the awesome pottery work! Nice job.
Chicken lady
10-25-17, 7:43am
So this morning I am feeling physically tired, but emotionally energized. It’s a trade off. I can’t take a class on a weeknight and get more than 6 hours of sleep, even though I let all the household non-essentials slide. (Which means dh “made his own” microwave dinner and left me to face a dirty counter this morning when I came in to make breakfast and lunch.)
the biggest thing i need need to do today is remember to eat reasonable amounts of healthy food. It is easy for me to try to overcome lack of sleep with extra carbs.
Tonight I catch up on housework, but I am going to get the throwing in as soon as I get home from work. If the housework were important, dh would help. He has a soccer game tonight.
Chicken lady
10-25-17, 8:52pm
So, I did not throw tonight. Nor have I done any housework.
I had a good day at school today and I decided just to let my tank fill a little more. I was still tired and I was afraid throwing wouldn’t go well and i’d feel frustrated instead of built up. I ate pretty well most of the day, but I got home hungry and ate too much cheese and crackers. Called that, a bowl of popcorn, and an apple “dinner”
so, tonight I will finish up the things that will make the morning easy, and then I will put pottery first tomorrow.
dh bought me a present. :) just because. It’s pretty winter stockings. :) I put them on for no reason with a cozy knit dress and I am sitting by the fire being “ornamental” lol!
Chicken lady
10-26-17, 10:06pm
I’m not actually very ornamental, I was being silly.
today I taught sex ed. Actually I was teaching a small group art class, when one of the girls (all girls 15-18) announced that her boyfriend wanted her to quit smoking (not cigarettes) because he wants to have a baby when he gets out of jail, but she wasn’t pregnant now. And I pointed out that all the egg cells that could someday be her kids are already in her body. And she said “what?!” And then I discovered that she didn’t know what ovaries are.
so the next thing I knew I was sketching on the board and explaining ovulation, Fallopian tubes, fertilization, uterine linings, implantation, and what happens during menstruation.
Tonight I got a phone call from the mother of the only girl in the class with an involved parent (also the only one with no boyfriend in jail). She told me her daughter told her about the conversation on the way home (and I braced myself for all hell breaking loose) and she wanted to tell me how glad she was that I cared so much about the girls. Whew.
Some day I’m going to get fired.
SteveinMN
10-27-17, 3:18pm
Some day I’m going to get fired.
But it will be for the right reasons...
Chicken lady
10-27-17, 4:03pm
Thanks. I hope so.
Today I co-taught all afternoon - the cooking teacher and I paired the jr high cooking class with the first and second grade farm class and the high schoolers with the 3/4s. We cooked some of the foods we’ve talked about growing. It was really amazing to watch the older kids work with the younger ones. Sharp knives and hot surfaces and the only mishap was when the bottom came off of a full blender. We decided we need to do it again!
Chicken lady
10-28-17, 12:52pm
Again I am returning to asking myself what is important.
dh has been working on the water heater. He feels taken advantage of and unappreciated because there were other things he wanted to do today and he is down there alone - even though he does not need unskilled assistance and I have no water heater skills.
I have been trying to work in the studio, but I feel guilty and for the first hour it was too cold out there to put my hands in water and then my Dd called and needed to talk to me and something overdried and was ruined while I was on the phone.
so we met for lunch both unhappy and talked it over.
he needs to go back to the hardware store - at least an hour. I am to go out and throw pots and NOT ANSWER THE PHONE. He will come get me when he comes back and I will putter around doing some work in the basement where he can talk to me.
then we’ll go from there.
mschrisgo2
10-28-17, 2:06pm
"We met for lunch...and talked it over." Good for you both! I love the way you report the difficulties and how you work through them.
Chicken lady
10-30-17, 5:09pm
The SAD is getting bad again.
it’s dark, it’s cold, it’s raining. It makes everything harder. It makes the hoarding worse. I tried to thin the Halloween decorations out, but I ended up just spreading them all over the den and second guessing my decisions. I walked away. I’m trying to make myself go out to to barn and work on pots, but it’s almos5 time to start dinner. I don’t want to do that either.
inner simplicity is not happening for me today.
Chicken lady
11-1-17, 5:47pm
‘Tis the season to make Christmas ornaments and gifts, and menorahs and gifts in art class.
‘Tis also the season when your horrified friends find out you aren’t Christian.
or Jewish.
or even Muslim.
but sometimes you get to be the right teacher in the right spot at the right time and say things to a kid like “I live on a farm, so I usually get to have a big bonfire on Solstice. Are you going to do anything special?”
which was was way more fun than later in the day when I handed a kid a phone number for an emergency shelter and was told she wouldn’t go there because they wouldn’t let her keep her own hours. And all I had left was “ok. Sleep under a bridge. But it’s going to be cold tonight.” This kid has options. They all come with rules. She has decided she is done with rules. At this point all I can do is hope cold and wet and hungry bring her some smart before hard drugs and prostitution move in. She says she won’t be back to school.
or earlier in the day when a kid told me she was going to miss my class because she was getting picked up early because someone she loves had just died and then gave me a hug so she could hide her face in my shoulder and catch her breath.
and the boy who has said six words all year announced that he would never miss my class because my class was the most fun class in the whole entire school.
it was kind of a roller coaster today.
‘Tis the season to make Christmas ornaments and gifts, and menorahs and gifts in art class.
‘Tis also the season when your horrified friends find out you aren’t Christian.
or Jewish.
or even Muslim.
but sometimes you get to be the right teacher in the right spot at the right time and say things to a kid like “I live on a farm, so I usually get to have a big bonfire on Solstice. Are you going to do anything special?”
which was was way more fun than later in the day when I handed a kid a phone number for an emergency shelter and was told she wouldn’t go there because they wouldn’t let her keep her own hours. And all I had left was “ok. Sleep under a bridge. But it’s going to be cold tonight.” This kid has options. They all come with rules. She has decided she is done with rules. At this point all I can do is hope cold and wet and hungry bring her some smart before hard drugs and prostitution move in. She says she won’t be back to school.
or earlier in the day when a kid told me she was going to miss my class because she was getting picked up early because someone she loves had just died and then gave me a hug so she could hide her face in my shoulder and catch her breath.
and the boy who has said six words all year announced that he would never miss my class because my class was the most fun class in the whole entire school.
it was kind of a roller coaster today.
Sheesh, CL...hugs and kudos...I hope you have few days like this one.
Teacher Terry
11-1-17, 7:54pm
What a sad day. Teachers now have to be social workers. If the kid wasn't 18 social services could be called to intervene.
Chicken lady
11-1-17, 8:51pm
You can’t call because a kid tells you she intends to couch surf with drug dealers or sleep on the street. - well, you can call, but nothing will happen. Teenagers say all kinds of stuff. (Parents were called. Dad is concerned but hoping she will call him. Theoretically she is living with mom. Mom supposedly threw her out. We can’t reach mom. We suggested dad come pick her up. He didn’t show) you can call if you see signs that something is actually going on. You can call after the kid misses 8 days of school. Not like anyone will know where to find her by then. She is 16. Easy pass for 21. She got on a city bus.
I have her kindergarten photo on my wall. I have a collage of “my babies”. they made it themselves. It’s the kids who ask if they can be in it - usually like they think i’m going to say no. (What’s that?....Can I put my picture up?) the kids who have their photos all over the walls at home don’t care. Sometimes we have to search Facebook for the youngest photo we can find and then print it out at school.
a lot of my days are like that.
Teacher Terry
11-1-17, 9:57pm
so very sad. Glad the kids have you CL:)):)
Chicken lady
11-1-17, 10:25pm
I am glad I have them. Even the ones who break my heart.
Williamsmith
11-2-17, 9:28am
I know this thread belongs to you CL and I read it and some of it I understand. I coached baseball for many years. The game can be used to teach life lessons. Some of the kids picked up on it. Some didnt. The ones that didn’t are the ones who break your heart. The last one became a heroin addict. Then he became a thief, a burglar, and an armed robber....in that order. When he was arrested I wanted to go visit him in jail before he got sent to state corrections. I know he would have needed someone to mentor him. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want to expose my family to him when he gets out. I am done with being exploited that way. But I don’t feel authentic. I feel kind of counterfeit. I have the team pictures from back when they were innocent and unblemished. Some of them I want to turn the clock back and have an intervention. But they have to be authentic too, right?
Teacher Terry
11-2-17, 1:32pm
WS: I think you gave enough when you were both working and volunteering. Some people never give at all. With the passing of 2 of my friends that needed a ton of help their last few years I too have backed off from helping a third. I go visit her 2x's/month and bring her lunch and she does have another family that helps her. I got so burnt out so decided I needed a break. Nothing is wrong with that. I really admire CL for her devotion to her students.
Chicken lady
11-2-17, 5:32pm
Yes Williamsmith, I am learning, and is hard for me, that they have to walk their own paths. I cannot make their choices for them, and I cannot force them to make the choices I would like. I can only show them that they have options and facilitate those options or not.
there are so many situations where I struggle with that counterfeit feeling - large and small. “If this is what I really believe than what should I actually be doing?” But sometimes I choose to be selfish. We all choose to be selfish at times but somehow knowing that doesn’t make it feel right. Any more than knowing that if you do not choose to be selfish the world will happily take all you have and leave you for dead. (I actually loved the “giving tree” book when I was small and self centered and identified only with the child. And then, in elementary school, I realized what he was doing to the tree. And from then on I hated it.)
my student did did not come to school. Her best friend has not heard from her.
i bought and ate a bunch of individually wrapped candy.
“choose someone else lord...”
Chicken lady
11-3-17, 8:07pm
My student called a grandparent. She is going to a residential program for the weekend and will be back Tuesday. I had the somewhat surreal experience of administration pulling me in to discuss her reentry in a “what do you think” approach that was far more “ we want your advice” than the “we are willing to hear your opinion” I am used to.
the person I was in junior high and am in many ways still, is sitting in the back of my head whispering that this is wrong and the natural order of things has been disturbed and I am going to be sorry if I take it at face value.
It has been a long week and I am tired. Dh brought me dinner.
Chicken lady
11-15-17, 7:03am
Someone stole our credit card information so we have no credit card for the next ten business days. Extremely inconvenient especially the timing.
but worse - my broken starfish had motive and opportunity, and the timing, location, and type of purchases are circumstantially damning. I know the odds of the person being caught are non existent, but I want them caught so they can not be her and I can hate them for making me think this.
Chicken lady
11-15-17, 8:14am
So this morning dh got an e-mail receipt for one of the purchases through square. Which means the person had a facsimile of the card. Which is beyond my starfish.
Teacher Terry
11-15-17, 12:01pm
WE have 4 cc's so if one gets stolen we have more. Someone once took flying lessons in Virginia with ours. Never have we actually lost the card but they got the info anyways. I read it can happen at a business where an employee is a thief.
iris lilies
11-15-17, 12:10pm
So this morning dh got an e-mail receipt for one of the purchases through square. Which means the person had a facsimile of the card. Which is beyond my starfish.
Well, that is good, at least.
Chicken lady
11-15-17, 7:02pm
And then she got expelled for trying to sell drugs.
the student who took her place in my class (I have a wait list) burst out singing “om” in the middle of class today. And all the other boys joined him and wove harmonies. And it was beautiful!
i have scheduled the crying for after dinner.
Chicken lady
1-27-18, 7:08am
Yesterday I had a long conversation with my daughter about my life (the interesection of it’s current structure and the world) that left me feeling lost, inadequate, and discouraged. (Even though my daughter was being encouraging, it wasn’t the kind of encouragement I needed)
This morning I woke to an e-mail thanking me for literally changing the direction of a child’s life.
”it makes a difference to this one.”
mschrisgo2
1-27-18, 10:32pm
Being authentic is messy, and there aren't a lot of maps for it. But the rewards are Great.
Chicken lady
2-6-18, 9:58pm
I am becoming very zen. (Or I have a brain tumor - I once knew a woman with an inoperable brain tumor who was the most incredibly cheerful person I ever met - because of the location of the brain tumor - but I digress)
we have no water - long story. But fixable. And I am thinking “ok, well, this can be fixed. Hopefully before I have to scrub down with snow and deliver a stuck baby goat in a freezing barn” (worst case scenario I can think of) we have juice. We have disinfectant. I even took a shower at the fitness center after I swam tonight, so I can go to work mostly clean (unless I have to pull a goat). We are ok without water. This is not a crisis, because we can fix it.
When my car died I felt pretty much the same way.
I don’t know if i’m gaining perspective, or just so burnt out from all the big stuff I can’t fix that i’m no longer capable of reacting to anything short of crisis.
Glad to hear your reaction to this, Chicken lady. Maybe it is the maturity of age and experience.
Last week a woman I know who is in her 30s, works FT outside the home, and is a rational functioning adult, called in tears because her car was leaking fluid and had stopped running. I was surprised because my reaction would be to call AAA and have it towed to a repair shop. She eventually did that but I couldn't understand the initial emotional upset - it's a mechanical thing, and things break all the time. Anyway, it ended okay, and maybe she was having a particularly bad day, but if that's the kind of thing that causes severe distress than I think she's going to have a very tough time when a serious life crisis occurs.
Chicken lady
2-7-18, 11:26am
Last time I had to call AAA I ended up entertaining two preschoolers in a stranger’s front yard for two and a half hours. I no longer have AAA. But I do carry a card from my favorite tow guy.
the water is back on and I have a snow day. Now would be good for baby goats....
as for your friend, I think we get so tired and so stretched thin that we just have nothing left. When you have no reserves everything is a crisis (if I had not had the $30 reconnect fee, this would have been a completely different situation...)
i am lucky to have an excellent support system. Last week for example, when I was tired and overwhelmed, someone broke a key piece of equipment for the school kiln. I came home and dumped my day on dh, ending with “and now I can’t fire until I drive [over an hour] and buy a new one.” And he asked “are they universal?” And I said “yes.” And he said “ so, you aren’t firing at home this week - take yours and replace it when you go down there again.” Oh. Yeah. Easy.
Chicken lady
2-16-18, 9:34pm
Yeah, that zen thing didn’t last long.
have been struggling to help a young student for three months. Wednesday I gave him a reason to be excited about class today. Yesterday he got expelled.
gave up my lunch Wednesday to meet with an older student and another teacher and work on a plan with him to modify his behavior. Yesterday he sabotaged the plan. Then he got expelled.
had a “it’s not you, it’s her” conversation with a student who was feeling hurt by another student yesterday. Found out last night “her” has been hospitalized for mental health.
at risk girl who was very excited about today’s school activity when we talked about it at dismissal yesterday didn’t show up today. No parent call in.
Ran across a quote this evening that pretty much sums it up - “I was happier when I didn’t give a f—-“.
Williamsmith
2-17-18, 1:03am
Yeah, that zen thing didn’t last long.
have been struggling to help a young student for three months. Wednesday I gave him a reason to be excited about class today. Yesterday he got expelled.
gave up my lunch Wednesday to meet with an older student and another teacher and work on a plan with him to modify his behavior. Yesterday he sabotaged the plan. Then he got expelled.
had a “it’s not you, it’s her” conversation with a student who was feeling hurt by another student yesterday. Found out last night “her” has been hospitalized for mental health.
at risk girl who was very excited about today’s school activity when we talked about it at dismissal yesterday didn’t show up today. No parent call in.
Ran across a quote this evening that pretty much sums it up - “I was happier when I didn’t give a f—-“.
Id have to say CL, this post is about as authentic as is gets. I have a saying I repeat when I’m working out at the gym, “Pain is weakness leaving you.” Chances are next week will be better. Also good outcomes are not necessarily the only evidence of diligent caring. Remember that.
mschrisgo2
2-17-18, 1:27am
Aw, one of the hardest things about being a teacher- we don't always get to witness the successful outcomes... and I know in my heart the kids never forget the care we give them. I've had enough kids-as-adults look me up on Face book and send me thank you's to know that, for sure.
Gardenarian
2-17-18, 2:51am
"Pain is weakness leaving you."
I love this. Thanks, Williamsmith
Pain is also a sign of a problem that something is wrong.
Chicken lady
2-17-18, 9:29am
I’m more with Tammy.
the teacher who was working with the kid with me at lunch said “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except Polio.”
Chicken lady
2-19-18, 9:24am
Over the weekend I broke.
i am trying very hard to be gentle with myself today, but it is hard.
one voice is saying “there is no sun and it is February and you know you are seasonal and you brushed your teeth and that is good.”
and another voce voice is saying “seriously? Your life is so easy and you can’t even handle taking a shower and putting on clean clothes? You are pathetic. Oh right, you’re ‘depressed’, that’s an excuse for ‘lazy’ right?”
the second vouce seems seems a lot more reasonable.
Williamsmith
2-19-18, 10:13am
No school today right? Where I am, weather predicts cloudy, overcast and rain for the entire week. Somehow, finding sunshine inside yourself might be helpful. From what I’ve read about you...there’s a lot of sunshine in your soul.
SteveinMN
2-19-18, 10:38am
and another voce voice is saying “seriously? Your life is so easy and you can’t even handle taking a shower and putting on clean clothes? You are pathetic. Oh right, you’re ‘depressed’, that’s an excuse for ‘lazy’ right?”
A relative of mine has a chronic neuromuscular condition which either includes or runs alongside depression. From outward appearances her life looks pretty easy, too -- she's a full-time student (getting an additional degree), in okay shape financially, in a happy marriage, and has her pets and activities she enjoys.
But there are days, she says, when brushing her teeth or putting on pants is the accomplishment of the day. She gets through those days knowing they're not every day and it will be better soon. She works with several doctors to identify meds which help her conditions without exacerbating other symptoms. And she has friends she can call on and with whom she can commisserate because they, too, have days like that (on those days, they call her). She's learning to handle the ebb and flow of her life, knowing it will change once she's done with school and working, knowing that her health will change (one way or the other, really). Not that she always dismisses the "you’re ‘depressed’, that’s an excuse for ‘lazy’" self-talk. But she watches carefully that that voice does not speak too loudly. Sometimes that means understanding that what goes down must go up. Sometimes that means enlisting people who can help shout down the self-talk.
Perhaps that helps?
Chicken lady
2-19-18, 1:54pm
No school.
I pulled my hair into a ponytail and I put on yesterday’s clothes and I went to the food bank, where I spent a lot of time on the floor unloading boxes - because the truck came on Friday - and sorting out old bread.
at first I felt very jangly in my skin because everybody was being nice to me and the expectation to converse, but then I got into the rhythm of the work. I have a bag of bread that is supposed to be for my chickens but I will probably freeze or make French toast with some, and a little bag of peppers that are 25-50% bad that I plan to cut up and make something for dinner.
i warmed up the food dh left me and ate it.
tomorrow I go back to school, so my goals for today are -
clear, structured lesson plans to help me function tomorrow
process the food I brought home
make dinner (which ties into the food)
make dh a pound cake
wash one load of laundry.
the first one is really important. The rest would be good.
the laundry is easiest, so I may start there.
dh will make me shower later, so I will wait, because the transition into and out of water is really hard when I feel like this.
Must move. Moving is important.
I'm sure I'm an underachiever, but I've never understood this (peculiarly American?) need to be busy and "productive" all the time.
Chicken lady
2-19-18, 2:47pm
I don’t have a need to be “productive” all the time.
i just have so many things I want to do. It makes me angry when I can’t do them.
even when I found myself lying on the floor crying this weekend, thinking “i can’t get up.” There we’re still things I wanted to be doing - which made me feel even worse about being stuck on the floor.
i’m a Little like a preschooler, who gets exhausted, but still doesn’t want to go to bed, because she might miss something.
right now, the laundry means I will have clean pants tomorrow.
the pound cake means dh won’t buy pop tarts from the work vending machine. And he really likes this pound cake. And I love him and he has been so good to me all weekend, it’s a way to say “thank you” in his love language.
i would feel good about “rescuing” the peppers and making dinner - which would help me take a step in the right direction.
even when I found myself lying on the floor crying this weekend, thinking “i can’t get up.” There we’re still things I wanted to be doing - which made me feel even worse about being stuck on the floor.
i’m a Little like a preschooler, who gets exhausted, but still doesn’t want to go to bed, because she might miss something.
My oldest son is just like that. He would literally refuse bed--we could NEVER get him to sleep--but he would fall asleep at his high chair--his eyes would flutter and his exhausted face would fall into the dish of mashed potatoes. To this day he is the same way. He has a million balls in the air at any given moment, but he thrives that way. I told him that he really needs to go to a monastery for a month of silence, but that's his idea of hell. I get exhausted just watching him.
I love him for who he is. So full of life. I see you the same way, Chicken lady. It's so great that you embrace life with everything you have and then some. But cut yourself some slack!!!
Williamsmith
2-19-18, 3:27pm
I'm sure I'm an underachiever, but I've never understood this (peculiarly American?) need to be busy and "productive" all the time.
Ive always understood people to be just wired differently. My wife has the need to be “productive” in a way that relies on other people observing her production for it to be fulfilling to her. If you leave her alone in the house, she will have no one to “perform” for and thus relax. Me, I don’t really care much what other people perceive my activity level to be although I will admit that when you cohabit with someone, your productivity is directly connected with your partner’s needs. Translation.....when you live alone, it’s easier to take the pack off and just rest them bones.
I'm sure I'm an underachiever, but I've never understood this (peculiarly American?) need to be busy and "productive" all the time.
I agree with WS. It's how you're wired. It's not a good thing or a bad thing. I don't think you are any less authentic or any more American if you find it hard to sit still. I've observed a lot of family members sitting on my couch watching TV when we're together. Some are in heaven, some are heavily fidgeting--and I know they are wishing they were off doing something else. I also don't think being productive is just for show or because people think they "have to" be productive. I really think some people just can't sit still. My DIL for instance. My son for instance. Me, if I'm "encouraged" to sit with DH for more than 2 hours at a time just watching TV. When I was young, my father would not let me or my siblings watch more than 1 hour of TV a night, so more than 1 hour and I am going nuts thinking about what a waste of time I'm enduring.
I always felt as if I were wasting time at work, and commuting to work. Give me a good book, and I will happily while away the hours.
Chicken lady
2-20-18, 7:14am
I did the laundry, poundcake, dinner, food.
i am going to do the lesson plans this morning because I have more energy in the morning. I thought about them, but didn’t write them out.
Only I am having a hard time getting started this morning. It was hard to wake up and my dreams are strange.
I did the laundry, poundcake, dinner, food.
i am going to do the lesson plans this morning because I have more energy in the morning. I thought about them, but didn’t write them out.
Only I am having a hard time getting started this morning. It was hard to wake up and my dreams are strange.
I don't know, your descriptions of what you are doing during the day do not sound happy. Too much like mine lately--a lot of dull events and not much pleasure.
I am trying to factor in more fun into my life. This is a hard time of year for me due to SAD. Maybe you should take off one of those chores and substitute something fun.
That's what I am trying to do. . .
Chicken lady
2-21-18, 7:58pm
My daughter and sil came out for dinner Sunday. Dh cooked.
i worked in my garden a little yesterday evening.
Our jobs are different.
a few weeks ago, my class got interrupted several times by maintenance issues and i lost my train of thought more than once, and I looked at my students and said “I am getting frustrated.” And one of them said “go to your happy place.” Without even thinking about it I tossed back “this IS my happy place!”
today I made it through a rough lesson (something one of my kids was really looking forward to - but he got expelled)
and I got to laugh with the kids and teach them new things. I got to return finished projects and point out what they did well. One of my starfish helped me unload the kiln and she seems to be doing ok today. I got confirmation that I have a job next year, but not the details.
i swam 1600 yards. I had to make myself stop.
i fed myself a healthy dinner and now I just need to do chores, set up the coffee, spend some time with my journal, and unload the dishwasher.
by then hopefully dh will be home and it will be (at least close to) bedtime.
i am healing.
Chicken lady
2-23-18, 7:44am
Last night Dh noticed that I have been wearing my starfish a lot and asked about it. I told him it’s a religious symbol, and he got this really concerned look on his face like “did you join a cult while I wasn’t paying attention? Does this have something to do with you being a hot mess lately?” And asked “what religion?” So I explained. He came over and gave me a hug and said “but you never throw any of them back.”
Last night Dh noticed that I have been wearing my starfish a lot and asked about it. I told him it’s a religious symbol, and he got this really concerned look on his face like “did you join a cult while I wasn’t paying attention? Does this have something to do with you being a hot mess lately?” And asked “what religion?” So I explained. He came over and gave me a hug and said “but you never throw any of them back.”
Sounds like you have a supportive husband and a great relationship! That's wonderful.
Chicken lady
2-27-18, 9:35am
The book I have been reading has talked a lot about choices lately. Coincidentally I have been running across a lot of “choice” references in other places. I feel like the concept of choice ties in with my goal to remove “should” from my life.
dh has been handling dinner a lot lately. Dinner has always been “my job” so any time dh provides dinner, I feel like it is either a gift (taking me out, bringing home a favorite take out) or a failure on my part. I fail a lot. But rationally, making dinner “my job” is questionable. Yes, I usually get home first and I have more “free” time in my day. But, I hate to cook (I love to bake and make cheeses and jams and other preserved foods), and I am ambivalent about food (I will thoroughly enjoy a nice meal, but I will be perfectly content with scrambled eggs on toast and a raw carrot). Dh otoh loves to cook and is very picky about food. (If you ribboned the carrot and cut the toast into small pieces and topped each one with a bit of carrot and some egg and a dab of some kind of sauce - he would see a completely different meal. I would see the same meal with a lot of extra work and calories) so I think we need to talk about dinner.
and then, I am back to choices. I remember talking to my kids when they were in high school about the fact that one of the reasons their high school experience was different from mine was that they chose to be there. That literally every morning they were choosing to get up and go to school, that every class they attended was a choice, because they were literally free to leave at any time. I felt like their education belonged to them and I supported their right to decide how to manage it (even when I didn’t always agree) and I would show up for them any time and would take care of any paperwork they needed. This was both easier - in the sense of not feeling like a prisoner and having more options and confidence in any situation (well, if this goes really badly I can always leave), and harder, in the sense of having to make decisions about values, experiences, costs and trade offs every day.
so basically, it was adulthood. I begin to understand why my oldest told me it sucked.
i have a tremendous amount of freedom. I not only have choices, Most of my choices do not have dire consequences (for example, if I quit my job today, the financial consequences would be noticeable, but manageable. So when I say “the day my school arms teachers is the day I quit” I mean that literally and without hesitation.)
on the the flip side, my choices can feel very heavy - I have no one to blame but myself.
so, today, I choose to slow down. To meet the basic needs of my animals and spend a little time trying to make progress in the barn, but not to worry about measuring it. To take a few minutes to start dishes and laundry and not worry about the rest of the house. To show up to the iep meeting fully focused and prepared and for 45 minutes listen and contribute where I can and focus only on how I can help T be more successful in class. (Not the place to worry about other aspects of his life, other students, the philosophies of my administrators, the instructional styles of other teachers...) to fully invest my planning period in planning. To stop at the grocery store and buy the things on my list, but also look around and come up with one quick, easy, healthy dinner (idea, walk down the frozen food row - every time dh resorts to a frozen dinner, I think “I could have made a healthier version of that almost as quickly.”)
mostly, today I want to focus on SEEING the choices presented to me and making each one thoughtfully. I want to look at the reasons behind the things I am doing. Because if they are bad reasons, I need to either stop doing those things, or find other reasons. And if they are good reasons for bad choices, I need to find other ways to address those needs (Ie. I spent my planning period shopping for socks because I am tired and feeling worn down, but shopping for socks was merely an avoidance strategy and did not actually address those feelings. Nor do I need socks...)
iris lilies
2-27-18, 10:02am
CL, your journal here is always interesting and insightful.
I love my stage of life now in retirement, having all of the freedoms of a summer without school, but also having complete autonomy to do what I want to do with no parents dictating my path. Yet there I am, the one who gets full consequences of my actions, so yes these choices we make are a dilemma.
I do enjoy it all. We have very few limitations. The limitations of old age will be creeping in but as of now, they are not a hinderence.
Tangential to your post, in retirement I started making DH lunch. Prior to retirement I made only dinner while he was on his own for breakfast and lunch. I like making his lunch now because it is a good way to manage leftovers from dinner, sometimes purposeful leftovers.
I still dont bake, though. Any baking to be done, he does it.
SteveinMN
2-27-18, 10:13am
mostly, today I want to focus on SEEING the choices presented to me and making each one thoughtfully. I want to look at the reasons behind the things I am doing. Because if they are bad reasons, I need to either stop doing those things, or find other reasons. And if they are good reasons for bad choices, I need to find other ways to address those needs (Ie. I spent my planning period shopping for socks because I am tired and feeling worn down, but shopping for socks was merely an avoidance strategy and did not actually address those feelings. Nor do I need socks...)
*** Applause *** :+1:
I will note, however, that that kind of analysis -- for me -- can be surprisingly time-consuming. Many times "good" reasons are not entirely good and "bad" choices are not entirely bad. Perhaps this fits better with my "everything is some shade of gray" temperament. But I find many decisions cause some conflict in my value system and I need to prioritize which value I'm honoring in my choice and to be okay with the ones I'm not honoring.
Example: I have two aluminum snow shovels with a steel blade riveted on to bust through ice. With use, the rivets give way one by one and, eventually, the blade (and most of the structural integrity of the shovel) goes away. Fortunately, the company that makes the shovel sells replacement blades (with rivets!). So I toted the shovel to the nearby Ace Hardware store and asked if their services department (the one that makes keys and repairs screens and such) could rivet on another blade. In 40 years I have never needed a rivet gun for anything; it's one more tool I don't need to buy and keep track of. Well, that's not one of their many services.
The green thing to do (still important to me) is to not trash or recycle an otherwise perfectly good shovel. On the other hand, spending money on a rivet gun for the one time I'll need it? Or spending a little more and buying another similar shovel and just be done with all of it for another couple of years? Yeah, that trip took way too long. (I bought a rivet gun. Maybe I'll need it again someday -- I do have two shovels. It doesn't eat bread, as my mother says. But I still haven't riveted on the blade; I've been using the snowblower and another shovel instead.) Ugh.
Teacher Terry
2-27-18, 1:50pm
CL: it sounds to me like you are really starting to notice that you can't do it all and need to set reasonable priorities for what is important to you or absolutely needs to be done. If you were fully retired you would have time for your small farm but I bet you would miss your kids a lot. I also think because you live in a rural area things are magnified because you need to schedule driving time to everything you do. I think you are gaining good insight and if your DH chooses to make dinner more often I would accept it as a gift because he is choosing it and even though he works more you have many, many things on your plate.
Chicken lady
2-27-18, 7:01pm
Oh Steve, that is so me!
today’s bad choice for good reasons - chocolate donut holes.
i was in the grocery store and I wanted a snack. The free cookies were gone. The discount bakery rack had no good options. The spicy dried green beans were expensive and in a non recyclable plastic container. The donut holes were cheap, in a fully recyclable cardboard box, and chocolate. But I was tired. I had already overcome a lot of challenges, and my stomach was empty. I ate half the box.
i must plan for snacks after school.
the meeting went well. The planning got done. I have food. Cooking it is the next challenge.
i would like to be in bed in three hours, so chores and dinner are really the most I can expect of myself. And I need to get started on those.
Chicken lady
2-28-18, 7:04am
So I managed chores and dinner and a conversation with my youngest child (who needs a lot of emotional support lately - she’s going to come home for the weekend) - funny aside, I asked her which room she planned to sleep in so I could make sure that there were sheets on the bed, and she said <excited> “you’re going to put my sheets on for me? I’m a guest!” Yes love, you’re 21 and you pay rent somewhere else. You’re a guest.
Thing i didn’t post yesterday was that I nearly started crying again yesterday in the hall after school, telling another teacher about the boys who got expelled. This loving other people’s children thing is really hard. Because sometimes they are gone and you know they are not ok, and you don’t even have any way to know if anyone is helping them.
Also in the conversation my daughter told me she and some friends were discussing the use of terms like sweetie and honey, and she told them “I hate being called honey because “honey” is what my mother always called other people’s children when she was disciplining them. And my friends were like <horror> your mom disciplined other people’s children?! And I said yeah, she would touch them on the shoulder and say things like honey, please use your inside voice and honey, did you see that there is a line right here? And honey, please don’t climb on that, it’s rusty and I don’t want you to get hurt.” I told her “I still do that. Somebody has to stop the next school shooter.” Dh says one of these days i’m going to face a very angry parent.
I stopped a boyfriend from calling me "honey" when I told him he could just as well substitute "dummy." "Watch out for that puddle, honey..." Thinking back on it, he probably was just trying to avoid calling me by one of his many other girlfriends' names.
At any rate, I've always hated the term. I'm with your daughter.
Teacher Terry
2-28-18, 2:05pm
I was a social worker for 4 years with abused kids so I know how you feel worrying about kids that aren't your own. fortunately, I raised my kids in an era where everyone in the neighborhood disciplined each others kids and no one minded. Many kids now days are totally out of control and I don't want to sit by kids in a restaurant, etc because of the awful behavior of many. When we cruise we always go when school is in session so not a lot of kids except where parents have pulled them out for the trip. Cruises have recognized that people don't want to be bothered as kids are not allowed in adult pools and hot tubs and those areas are separated so you can enjoy these things without hearing screaming kids.
Chicken lady
3-1-18, 10:39pm
I have been swimming. I have been swimming longer and longer and longer. Tonight I swam 2000 meters. I am realizing it is not exercise, it is meditation, or possibly just escapism. I have ear issues, so i wear fancy earplugs to keep water out - they also keep out sound. The pool plays music, but all I can hear is my breathing. I have very poor vision, so even with goggles, I can barely see the lane mark on the bottom of the pool and that is all. I am "alone", wrapped in water, I count laps, I don't want to get out.
When I finally do get back to the car I am so relaxed, but by the time I got home almost an hour later tonight I realized I was driving with one hand and the other was clenched in a fist.
I have been swimming. I have been swimming longer and longer and longer. Tonight I swam 2000 meters. I am realizing it is not exercise, it is meditation, or possibly just escapism. I have ear issues, so i wear fancy earplugs to keep water out - they also keep out sound. The pool plays music, but all I can hear is my breathing. I have very poor vision, so even with goggles, I can barely see the lane mark on the bottom of the pool and that is all. I am "alone", wrapped in water, I count laps, I don't want to get out.
When I finally do get back to the car I am so relaxed, but by the time I got home almost an hour later tonight I realized I was driving with one hand and the other was clenched in a fist.
To what do you attribute your tension in your life?
Chicken lady
3-2-18, 5:35pm
Off the top of my head, in order:
A. The pain in the lives of my students that I cannot fix.
B. Events and practices in my community, country and world that I feel I have no influence on/control over.
C. the voices in my head telling me I am failing at everything.
Teacher Terry
3-2-18, 7:18pm
CL: you are not failing. You are setting impossible goals that no one could do. I can really relate to 1 and 2. Hugs:))
Off the top of my head, in order:
A. The pain in the lives of my students that I cannot fix.
B. Events and practices in my community, country and world that I feel I have no influence on/control over.
C. the voices in my head telling me I am failing at everything.
You sound like you are suffering--do you think you might be depressed? this does not sound like a good place to be.
Some time ago I read one of the books by Dr. Amon, the man who does the brain mapping talks on PBS, usually during their fund raisers. He identifies something he calls "ANTS", or automatic negative thoughts. One of his points is that it's not so much we have negative thoughts, but we get into a loop where they needlessly play over and over in our mind. I know I get these and to some degree when I get into one of those loops and am aware of them, they can be controlled to some degree. I can't say that I am an expert on the matter, but some of his self-help books may be of value or at least worth exploring.
Chicken lady
3-2-18, 9:05pm
Yes, there is some depression. Yes I am working on the negative thoughts. Dh is very good at helping with this.
(me “i’m Sorry I suck at dinner.” Him “you’re actually a lot better at it than you think.” - if you are thinking that’s not much praise, it’s almost too much to be believable, unbelievable is useless.)
i actually have some relevant training at a level above self help books. I am very good at seeing depression in other people, pointing out false or misleading beliefs, talking to them about ways to take care of themselves, etc.
but when it is me - my mental side kick is right there undermining me “oh please, your life is amazing, what do you have to be depressed about? You’re being melodramatic. You’re not actually suffering, other people have actual depression, you’re just a lazy hypochondriac”....
I stopped a boyfriend from calling me "honey" when I told him he could just as well substitute "dummy." "Watch out for that puddle, honey..." Thinking back on it, he probably was just trying to avoid calling me by one of his many other girlfriends' names.
At any rate, I've always hated the term. I'm with your daughter.
+1...plus it is condescending!
Yes, there is some depression. Yes I am working on the negative thoughts. Dh is very good at helping with this.
(me “i’m Sorry I suck at dinner.” Him “you’re actually a lot better at it than you think.” - if you are thinking that’s not much praise, it’s almost too much to be believable, unbelievable is useless.)
i actually have some relevant training at a level above self help books. I am very good at seeing depression in other people, pointing out false or misleading beliefs, talking to them about ways to take care of themselves, etc.
but when it is me - my mental side kick is right there undermining me “oh please, your life is amazing, what do you have to be depressed about? You’re being melodramatic. You’re not actually suffering, other people have actual depression, you’re just a lazy hypochondriac”....
So it sounds like you are identifying your thinking as a big problem for you. Is there a way to use that insight to become happier?
(me “i’m Sorry I suck at dinner.” Him “you’re actually a lot better at it than you think.” - if you are thinking that’s not much praise, it’s almost too much to be believable, unbelievable is useless.)
Reminds me of one of the most helpful things my first market research boss said to me. When I truly was petrified to recommend something to a client because I had only been in the market research field for about a year, she said "You know more than you think you know." I used that as a mantra many times to get me through moments of insecurity. Listen to your DH.
When it comes to those negative thinking loops, to me it helps to remind myself that it's just a thought. Byron Katie's books helped me a lot with that. With her 4 questions that she calls "The Work" she has helped me on occasion unravel "realities" I was choosing to hold in my head that were simply thoughts that weren't true.
When you talked about feeling sad/depressed about the kids you can't help and the state of the world, I thought of the character May Boatright in The Secret Life of Bees (great book) who was extremely sensitive to the suffering of others. Her sister got her to write those things down and cram them in the cracks in a stone fence--kind of like a wailing wall where she would offload the sad thoughts and hand it over to "God" or "The Universe" or whatever. We can only do so much in our short, limited lives. Be gentle with yourself.
Chicken lady
3-3-18, 9:29am
I’m swimming ;)
there is is a line in the poisonwood bible to the effect that a mother is only as happy as her most miserable child. I have 66 extra children. Fortunately it’s more of a rollercoaster ride than a constant stint at the bottom - I can come home ecstatic from a single sentence - but they pull at me constantly.
all three of those factors interact, and I really did list them in order. The first two trigger the voices. So does the mess in the house, my weight, a dead farm animal - even if there was nothing I could do, a missed deadline... but those things are not important. They come under my dad’s chant of “100 years from now, none of this will matter anyway” I can fight those. But the other things can send me spiraling down, and then a broken plate can be the thing that sends me to the ground.
and I am seasonal, so lack of sun makes everything worse.
i have been working on being kind to myself the last few months. I am getting better, but i’m not sure how much of it is anything i’m doing - the weather is improving, my husband has been helping more with things we have agreed are not his job, even though he is short on time and tired (cue voices) and i’ve had some good moments with my kids.
I pulled off a really cool event at school yesterday “all by myself” (with the help of a lot of people I asked for help, but being in a “management” role is rare for me.) and it spontaneously expanded and went so well I was left with an “I must have missed something, a big rock is going to fall from somewhere” feeling. I keep looking back at one picture on the school page of a particular boy who is totally enraptured and smiling, and thinking “that is his real smile. I made that kid smile. For real.” - worth the whole day.
But my brain didn’t take a picture of that moment. My brain keeps replaying the moment when I had to ask one teenager to leave an activity and wasn’t able to follow up with him personally. My brain keeps asking “how could that have gone better? Why aren’t you reaching that kid?” I scrolled through the photos, and I found one with him in the background, looking closed off, standing back, and I thought “there. Right there is when I needed to show up and pull him in.” There is only one of me. I don’t know what I was doing at that moment. Maybe it was more important. I was really busy. I made sure somebody else would follow up with him. I cannot personally throw all the starfish back into the sea.
there is a difference between knowing and believing.
Chicken lady
3-4-18, 6:20pm
Today I “outted” myself to the guy i’ve been buying hay from for 14 years. (Mentioned my family not being a huge fan of my cooking, he expressed disbelief that I couldn’t cook, I casually said that I was a vegetarian in explaining why they objected to many of my meal choices....and there was a pause...”can I ask you a question? I don’t want you to get mad. I don’t want to offend you.” Me: “sure.” Him “you’re not a liberal are you?”)
there ensued what what I would categorize as a “good discussion” on gun control, parenting, women’s clothing, capital punishment and beer, touching on areas of agreement and disagreement. But I am now exhausted. I need to rebuild my emotional capital.
also, Dh says the price of hay is about to go up.
Chicken lady
3-21-18, 10:55am
I am doing better than I was. We have a snow day today. I have taken most of the morning to rest and relax and am now going to tackle three big tasks that have been weighing on me.
i got an e-mail from a parent this morning that was both encouraging and humbling. Registration for next year started yesterday, and we had been exchanging e-mails over break as she attempted to figure out what her daughter will do next year. She was having difficulty fitting one of my classes into the schedule and I was trying to figure out what I could do to accommmodate her child as far as flexibility in other classes and scheduling.
the email thanked me for me willingness to work with them and stated that they decided to scrap the original plan and start over, building the schedule around my class.
so, somebody thinks i’m That good.
Williamsmith
3-21-18, 11:29am
I am doing better than I was. We have a snow day today. I have taken most of the morning to rest and relax and am now going to tackle three big tasks that have been weighing on me.
i got an e-mail from a parent this morning that was both encouraging and humbling. Registration for next year started yesterday, and we had been exchanging e-mails over break as she attempted to figure out what her daughter will do next year. She was having difficulty fitting one of my classes into the schedule and I was trying to figure out what I could do to accommmodate her child as far as flexibility in other classes and scheduling.
the email thanked me for me willingness to work with them and stated that they decided to scrap the original plan and start over, building the schedule around my class.
so, somebody thinks i’m That good.
How are you doing at “learning who you are and standing up for that”? OP
For me, it seems like I’ve taken up residence in a black hole? Although, I have managed to ferret out my insistence on personal integrity.
Chicken lady
3-21-18, 12:27pm
Well,
I am a teacher: I am trying to see and value myself realistically as a teacher, to look honestly at my successes and failures without self blame for those limitations I can’t overcome an appreciation for my strengths, and a constructive approach to my weaknesses. I think I am doing a lot better there - I am trying to accept and internalize things like that e-mail, I stood up for myself with my boss this year, I am working on reaching out for support more and on turning away people and suggesting other resources rather than attempting to meet every request, demand, or perceived need of my own.
I am a potter: this fell by the wayside as the SAD got bad (I never SEE the SAD when I am in it) but
i am still dragging myself along on this. My studio is still coming along slowly, I am starting to prepare for a show in May, I am trying to accept praise as well as criticism. I recently responded to a request for a commissioned piece from a parent who asked if I sell my work with an e-mail stating that I do, but that the piece she wanted was not something in my line or style, however, here are some people I know professionally who might be interested in her commission and do excellent work. It felt very “fake it until you make it”, but I recently got my SECOND gallery check from a venue where they also sell, and even if I am a very small fish - the classification system still seems to point to “fish”.
i am a wife: and I am working on communicating better with my husband and negotiating household roles (the rest of wife I have always been excellent at - just noticed, sometimes I can internalize positive feedback. :) )
i am a mom: and I am still dropping everything for my kids. The youngest has been less needy lately and the bonus child seems to be in a good place right now, so this is requiring less of me.
it felt good to be honest with my hay farmer about where I stand on some things and to have an open and respectful discussion.
i took a similar deep breath and spoke up about corporal punishment at the food bank a couple of weeks ago. I have been rehearsing some opening statements with friends as I have really poor social skills (take your pick of adjectives depending on how much you like me: rude, blunt, tactless, honest, straightforward, awkward, abrasive, hostile..) in order to avoid standing silently by in groups where everyone else seems to have a mistaken sense that “we are all in agreement here.” I’m still dreading the day I need to set the record straight on my “relationship with Jesus” as they seem to have misunderstood my explanation that I was not there with a Church, I just wanted to volunteer as an individual, the day I showed up and they tried to figure out where to record my hours.
i am a farmer? I don’t know. I am more than a “hobbyist”, but not a professional. My interest is primarily at the subsistence level. Sustainability, nutrition, education, and the feeding of my soul....
and the hardest to be to be honest with myself about, I am a person who suffers from mental illness, and the fact that I am high functioning most of the time does not mean that I can ignore my limitations and need for self care and outside support.
Williamsmith
3-21-18, 12:36pm
Well,
I am a teacher: I am trying to see and value myself realistically as a teacher, to look honestly at my successes and failures without self blame for those limitations I can’t overcome an appreciation for my strengths, and a constructive approach to my weaknesses. I think I am doing a lot better there - I am trying to accept and internalize things like that e-mail, I stood up for myself with my boss this year, I am working on reaching out for support more and on turning away people and suggesting other resources rather than attempting to meet every request, demand, or perceived need of my own.
I am a potter: this fell by the wayside as the SAD got bad (I never SEE the SAD when I am in it) but
i am still dragging myself along on this. My studio is still coming along slowly, I am starting to prepare for a show in May, I am trying to accept praise as well as criticism. I recently responded to a request for a commissioned piece from a parent who asked if I sell my work with an e-mail stating that I do, but that the piece she wanted was not something in my line or style, however, here are some people I know professionally who might be interested in her commission and do excellent work. It felt very “fake it until you make it”, but I recently got my SECOND gallery check from a venue where they also sell, and even if I am a very small fish - the classification system still seems to point to “fish”.
i am a wife: and I am working on communicating better with my husband and negotiating household roles (the rest of wife I have always been excellent at - just noticed, sometimes I can internalize positive feedback. :) )
i am a mom: and I am still dropping everything for my kids. The youngest has been less needy lately and the bonus child seems to be in a good place right now, so this is requiring less of me.
it felt good to be honest with my hay farmer about where I stand on some things and to have an open and respectful discussion.
i took a similar deep breath and spoke up about corporal punishment at the food bank a couple of weeks ago. I have been rehearsing some opening statements with friends as I have really poor social skills (take your pick of adjectives depending on how much you like me: rude, blunt, tactless, honest, straightforward, awkward, abrasive, hostile..) in order to avoid standing silently by in groups where everyone else seems to have a mistaken sense that “we are all in agreement here.” I’m still dreading the day I need to set the record straight on my “relationship with Jesus” as they seem to have misunderstood my explanation that I was not there with a Church, I just wanted to volunteer as an individual, the day I showed up and they tried to figure out where to record my hours.
i am a farmer? I don’t know. I am more than a “hobbyist”, but not a professional. My interest is primarily at the subsistence level. Sustainability, nutrition, education, and the feeding of my soul....
and the hardest to be to be honest with myself about, I am a person who suffers from mental illness, and the fact that I am high functioning most of the time does not mean that I can ignore my limitations and need for self care and outside support.
Wow! That could have been one of the most honest and introspective posts I read on this forum. I don’t think I’m capable of that. I’d say you are a lot.....and you are doing fine at all of it.
Teacher Terry
3-21-18, 12:40pm
CL: I think that many times you are too hard on yourself. When I look at what you accomplish everyday it is unbelievable. Having SAD is also out of your control. It is just biology but I am sure it is hard to deal with. I am lucky that the lack of sun does not bother me. Although, where I live now we have over 300 days of sunshine/year. I sometimes get sick of all the sun and want some gloom and doom:)) I spent most of my life in the Midwest so luckily no sun was not an issue. What a compliment that the student is arranging their entire schedule around your class!
Ultralight
3-21-18, 3:08pm
Some time back a big wig at my work gave my department a speech about how important it was for us all to be authentic and how our best ideas and best work would come from us being our authentic selves. LOL
Chicken lady
3-21-18, 3:52pm
Ok, that’s funny!
"We are born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society." - Judith Martin
(whom I actually despise for obscure personal reasons)
however, while I agree with the quote in the abstract social sense - your boss doesn’t want to meet “the real you”!
from a personal standpoint I think the problem there is society. Consequently my eldest, who had one month of private preschool, one year of public half day kindergarten, and was then homeschooled until 14 when she was basically turned loose on her own recognizance, tells people she was raised by wolves.
Btw, hi! You’ve been quiet.
Judith Martin--whose work I haven't read in years--also identifies “blatant greed” as the most serious etiquette problem in the United States. (Credit Wikipedia)
Ultralight
3-21-18, 4:42pm
Ok, that’s funny!
Btw, hi! You’ve been quiet.
Yeah, been fighting some health problems/chronic illness. Don't want to talk about it.
But I am glad to get on here again when I can and read comments and post too. :)
Chicken lady
3-23-18, 9:48pm
I did not quite cry in the directors office. I don’t think i’m breaking confidentiality if I say that a branch of law enforcement is now involved in the life of one of my students due to online grooming, bad choices, and possibly a neurological issue and possibly questionable parenting decisions. I don’t know when or if I will see the child again. But, there may be helpful professional intervention, so, bright side?
the thing was brought out by students policing each other. They turned to adults for help, but I don’t know if the adults are actually going to be much help. Lately i’ve been seeing the adults as kind of useless, myself included. Do we miss so much because the kids literally live in another universe? Their bodies are out here walking around with us, engaged just enough to give us an illusion of presence, but their selves are nestled online, in an infinitely more malleable and interesting world? Sometimes I feel like they are in a matrix of their own making and i’m the poor guy trying to read the random looking streams of numbers and letters and keep them safe and alive with nothing to go on but what they tell me.
when I was in college, my roommate called her best friend’s parents about his drug habit (he was still in high school.) his parents got angry at her, refused to believe her, and forbid her contact with him. She called the police. He was arrested. He went to jail. I remember her sobbing and sobbing and looking at me with tears pouring down her face and saying “he’s going to hate me. He’s going to hate me forever. But he has to be ALIVE to hate me.” It was one of the bravest, most selfless things i’d seen first hand.
He got clean. He got out. He got a job and a wife and a child, and one day he thanked her. You don’t get very many happy endings.
they are struggling, hurting, in some cases literally dying. And I bring them - clay, tree seedlings, alpacas, maple syrup, and baby ducks.
Clearly, today is not a good day.
Teacher Terry
3-24-18, 2:57pm
I am so very sorry to hear about your day. It is sad. It is one reason I left social work working with kids and went to working with adults to help them get back to work. It was much more uplifting and still sad at times but easier on the spirit.
Chicken lady
3-24-18, 3:16pm
I think I don’t feel these things because of my job, I think I have my job because I feel these things.
the New York times published a photo of Dylan roof’s little sister along with some horrible things she said. When dh saw it, it made him really angry - at her. He wanted somebody to do something to her. When I saw it, I teared up. My gut reaction was to want to wrap my arms around her and say “oh baby, how did they let you get so broken?”
I agree with you CL. There is something in her background that we don't know about. I worry about these kids who carry around either so much fear or anger. From what each has said, I wonder about the adults in their lives.
My gut reaction was to want to wrap my arms around her and say “oh baby, how did they let you get so broken?”
Chicken Lady, you are the kindest person I (virtually) know.
mschrisgo2
3-24-18, 5:31pm
the thing was brought out by students policing each other. They turned to adults for help, but I don’t know if the adults are actually going to be much help. Lately i’ve been seeing the adults as kind of useless, myself included. Do we miss so much because the kids literally live in another universe? Their bodies are out here walking around with us, engaged just enough to give us an illusion of presence, but their selves are nestled online, in an infinitely more malleable and interesting world? Sometimes I feel like they are in a matrix of their own making and i’m the poor guy trying to read the random looking streams of numbers and letters and keep them safe and alive with nothing to go on but what they tell me.
The fact that the kids knew when to report it and ask for help for their classmate means that adults are having a positive effect on their lives. And it IS hard, they live in a "universe" that some what overlaps ours- I see it as a Venn diagram, and that middle slice where we intersect is often mighty slim. But this action on their part indicates some well-honed discernment, initiate and trust, as well as a loyalty and accountability pact with their peers. Those are all significant life skills. CL, you bring them "clay, tree seedlings, alpacas, maple syrup and baby ducks." I bring them reading skills. And we bring ourselves, our Presence, we are WITH them. They feel the care and compassion and passion for our subjects, they need it, they internalize it. The rest is the vehicle for distribution.
mschrisgo2
3-24-18, 6:21pm
I'm going to add a story here from my time with second graders yesterday. I've been teaching after school remedial reading groups, about 12 class sessions so far. We usually do echo reading, I read, they follow along, then read back. Yesterday they spontaneously read with me, and a very long story. When we finished, they were silent for a whole long minute, looking at each other, eyes sparkling, then they started high-five-ing each other! They were feeling their success- everyone could read every word!
Suddenly, one of the girls started crying. After a respectful minute or so, one asked her why she was crying, and she blurted out, "I'm not the best reader any more!" There was a very worried exchange of looks around the table, then they proceeded with their discussion: "Oh, please don't cry, J doesn't cry any more because now he Can read", and "I don't go under the table instead of taking my turn" and "Now that we can all read, we really can work together" and "This is really a good thing." Every student contributed a compassionate thought that included themselves, the group, and the crying girl. I was blown away, listening to them. After the last one spoke, the girl dried her eyes and said, "Thanks. I feel better now" and we went on with the comprehension part of the lesson.
Could I have added anything? Doubtful. And they did not need me to. I provided the space and understanding that they are competent socially and academically. Did they need and tokes or rewards? No. "Being a good reader is the best reward" they told me at the end of class. Did I feel humbled? Yes. These are 8 yr olds.
Chicken lady
3-24-18, 11:32pm
Your kids are great!
Little kids in general can be pretty amazing.
My birth kids are pretty awesome adults, and I have had people ask me what I did. Sometimes I say “I don’t know.” Sometimes I say “they came this way. And I didn’t break them.” Honestly, I feel like all the good stuff came straight out of them and I am just grateful I didn’t mess up too badly or often.
Teacher Terry
3-25-18, 11:38am
What a great story about the kids!
Chicken lady
3-26-18, 7:33pm
The spice store man put a heart shaped pin in my shopping bag.
it says “embrace hope”
I love Penzey's. Not only did they have yummy spices, they also try to do good as well.
Chicken lady
3-27-18, 5:58am
Lol, I was trying not to advertise, but I love them too. I love the man who runs the local store as well. I don’t feel like I go in that often, (half a dozen times a year?) but he remembers me and asks about my kids. Yesterday it was “hi! You on spring break?”
the “embrace hope” pin just seemed serendipitous.
today, I am doing geometry with my high school pottery class. I know at least two of them are math dorks who will think it is cool that they can use math to do pottery. I’m hoping a couple of others will develop an appreciation for the usefulness of math. (Yes, this DOES relate to something you care about...)
interestingly, my meditation yesterday encouraged me to stop trying to be a “something” and be a “someone”. Which brought home to me that even in my search for self, I am still defining myself in terms of roles and relationships.
i think it is cool that you can use math to do pottery.
i try to embrace hope.
i also once told someone that the ironic thing about the story of pandora is the implication that “hope” was different from all the other horrible things she let out of the box.
i am a very cynical optimist.
Chicken lady
4-7-18, 8:38am
Yesterday I was cleaning up after school, and I heard one of my students walking down the hall talking to another student i don’t teach. My student said “...(chicken lady) is like that.” And I stuck my head out the door and asked “i’m Like what?” He responded without hesitation “always happy.” I laughed and said “way to think on your feet.”
he’s a nice kid. There is a good chance that was actually what he said about me. I am sceptical, because I wonder if I can possibly really appear that way. Always “happy”? Tired, angry, sad.... but maybe it’s just that I am always glad to see them. Whatever my internal landscape is doing, it is humbling and comforting and often joyful to be confronted with a room full of people who have come to spend an hour or so learning with me just because they want to. We have at will enrollment. We have no attendance policy. My job is literally a gift from my students and their families.
Grasp the description CL. The children perceive that you are happy to see them. That's what matters to them.
Chicken lady
4-10-18, 9:11pm
I have a very young student, and sometimes, during play periods, I will look a5 her and realize she is just standing there silently crying. When I ask what is wrong, she always says “i’m Tired.” I think what she means is “i’m Overwhelmed. I don’t have the energy for this.”
right now, i’m “Tired”.
Oh dear, i had a 5 yo today that got overwhelmed and was getting annoying, the other kid was just as responsible. We asked him to cool off and he started banging his head on the wall and gave himself a good red mark. He will also twist his fingers to hurt himself. So i took him out, the psychologist was still in the building so we went to talk to her. She helped him talk about his calming technique and i got a copy of the poster. We were recovering fine and then mom walked in and started yelling at him, he is yelled at and punished for this behavior, he actually wasn't in trouble.
Sigh, i went back and talked to the psychologist and they are aware that mom has limited emotional regulation. I tried to tall to her and i told staff the whole story. We can't lie to mom but we may want to phrase things very carefully. This is the same mom who cried on the phone with me cor 10 minutes over missing another camp deadline
Chicken lady
4-11-18, 5:24am
We are working with the student. She is mostly happy, and I think will grow out of it. It would be nice if she could have a nap instead of going out on the playground.
i was identifying with her more than worrying about her.
my heart daughter said her girlfriend accused her of having a martyr complex. She said “I do not have a martyr complex, but I very well may have an atlas complex.” I may also have an atlas complex.
i woke up at 5:00, still tired with my head still hurting. I am drinking coffee and need to get dressed and do the milking in about 5 minutes. I fed the cat. I cleaned up some dishes. I checked my e-mail. The facilities director is out sick. She covers lunch duty in the preschool and it is the only hole she hasn’t patched in her duties for today. My intention was to spend my lunch hour (which is a “break” today) making dishes for the kids to paint at our fundraiser next week. I already don’t have enough time for that. But my instant reaction was to reply all that I was free to take lunch duty. Then I stopped myself.
i will be honest. If the spot hasn’t been covered by 9:00, the lunch duty coordinator is going to catch me at the door. And i’m going to say yes. But it’s a start?
Chicken lady
4-11-18, 7:22am
Benefits of hesitation:
while I was doing chores, it occurred to me, one woman has already said she can’t cover preschool lunch because she has library duty (be in library, tell kids not to bring in food). So, I can tell the lunch coordinator that I have some work I have to do for the fundraiser (true) but I can do it in the library (true) if the other person will cover preschool lunch.
then I will get paid for my time. (We don’t get paid for breaks) Win all around. (Or someone will say no, and i’m Off the hook.)
Bravo for hesitation! I have found that has helped me many times. Just wait and things will work out without you having to do a thing! It's hard when you want to be the fixer (I love your Atlas complex description).
Chicken lady
4-12-18, 7:53am
So, the lunch duty person got to school late, I didn’t see her, and presumably someone else covered preschool lunch. - the world cremained in place without my support.
when I was young, I used to cut out quotes all the time and stick them all over my environment. One I remember liking a lot, back when I felt like nothing I was expected to do was particularly important (high school) was “one sign of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.”
we we have a staff meeting today. I am not looking forward to it. I have a feeling we are going to address a lot of things I would prefer to ignore. (Not my pay grade/not my bailiwick) One topic under discussion will be “why we will no longer have the annual “nerf wars” party and how to talk to the students about it.” Students have already informed me “we can’t have the nerf party any more. (Director) took it away because of all the shootings.” (Which is how I learned over a month ago that the party was cancelled). Right. I think they get it. Here is how I have been addressing it when complained to: “that’s not a decision i’m involved in. You’ll have to talk to (administrators) about it.” I suspect that after today I will change my response to “I never had anything to do with that. But (Administration) made it pretty clear that the decision has been made and won’t be changing.” Meeting unnecessary. I view this like any other administrative decision in which my opinion is irrelevant (except the plumbing issue. The kids and I all know I will never get plumbing in my room, but we will riff on that until the day I leave.) I don’t advocate for other people’s positions. I encourage my students to understand other people’s positions by talking (or writing) directly to those people. From “why doesn’t Jill like chocolate?” To “why won’t the fire department/school board... let us...” (if the “why” is a concrete issue, or a position I am personally invested in I explain it, ie “why can’t we jump off the bike rack?” I only refer it if it’s a situation subject to a variety of valid view points or in opposition to my personal position.)
yesterday I watched two adults allow teenagers to film another teenager skateboarding down our steps without pads or a helmet. This afternoon I will probably take a moment to tell the skateboarder, gently, how I felt about it. Not about the judgement of the other adults, just about my personal discomfort with watching it and my concern for his safety. What protective gear he uses is not my decision, but I would like him to think about his safety a little bit more.
Chicken lady
4-12-18, 10:08pm
My teenager assured me that he will not land on his head and I do not need to worry about him.
another issue came up and the nerf thing got bumped. As I am personally invested in the new issue, it was a much better meeting for me.
i also got an update on a lost starfish. Her friend said she is doing well! I sent an “i am glad and I miss you” message.
Or self determination, or something.
learning who you are and standing up for that.
i couldn't figure out where this should go. I thought about putting it in relationships because one of the problems that I'm having in this area is that I tend to define myself in terms of relationships. Daughter, wife, mother, teacher, friend, even as an artist I define myself by the responses of other people.
But it's not about the relationships, because the problem is coming from within me. So I picked here because the subtitle about inner simplicity is exactly where I want to go.
for example, I want to do a pop up sale at an open house on August 19th. Doing this is going to require some studio time. Which is not a bad thing - I want to spend time in my studio. So I see the sale as motivation - a deadline to work toward. Except I'm not in the studio.
because I know dh wants me to finish painting the addition. But I woke up sore this morning from painting the addition, and I am kind of hating it right now. I decided I would take turns painting and working in the studio.
except, I'm not in the studio because I feel guilty about not painting. And I lined up a partner for the sale today, so there is even more pressure to get into the studio. And I am creating arguements in my head for dh about how I now have this partner (external commitment, relationship created to justify what I want) so I need to be in the studio.
except I'm not in the studio, but neither am I painting. And really while dh would like me to be painting, he tries really hard to be supportive of my work, and he would understand about taking turns. He has not said a word about me spending time in the studio. The guilt is me projecting on him and then responding to something I made up.
what he won't understand is me sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea and spinning my wheels online instead of painting OR working in the studio.
and I'm not sure I understand it either, but I want to stop doing it.
You may not like it, your dh may not like it and it's what you, and everyone else does when they are spinning their wheels/confused and suffering: they stop and sit.
It's what we do naturally as an opportunity to get clear. It's MUCH more important than either of the other choices. Except for the belief, you shouldn't be spinning your wheels or, you should be doing something, everything is beautiful. Welcome to the elegant simplicity of reality: woman sitting.
After I allow time to wait for the thought, "I need to know now" to go by, it comes to me what to do and I don't have any choice. I just move.
Chicken lady
4-18-18, 5:52am
Xmac, I appreciate the thought, and I have turned it over, but it doesn’t feel like what was going on in this situation. It was more “woman creating obstacles for herself who happens to be sitting down”. By “spinning my wheels” I meant, “not going anywhere” - in a physical, progress sense, not “failing to engage” - in a mental sense.
It also seems so long ago.
yesterday I told the building manager that I cannot babysit for five days for the chicks belonging to the preschool class at another program in which her daughter is an aide. Then I told another teacher who has known me for 16 years and watched me raised my kids that I am learning to say no. She said “I thought you were good at saying no.” I must have looked surprised. She said “you could always say no to your kids.” I told her “my kids are competent human beings who can handle their own sh**.” (Or they wanted something I thought was bad for them, or it was a balance of wants and needs, or I was unwilling to commit to something I was unlikely to accomplish because keeping my promises to my kids was core to me, or I said yes) actually, I think I was better at saying no when I had kids at home, because I was protective of my personal reserves, because I needed them for my kids. I need to learn new reasons to say no.
then she asked me if I had gotten the email from (person of authority but not direct command) and I said “yes” and vented, ending with “ so I’m ignoring it.” The other teacher paused, and then gave me a different (her) view of the intent behind the email. And I went upstairs and spent twenty minutes doing the thing requested. Then I told the other teacher that I did the thing, and she laughed.
monday I chose myself over the food bank. Last night I chose resting and yard work over swimming. I don’t know if it’s getting easier to make these decisions of wants and needs at the time over my “shoulds”, but I think i’m getting better at it.
yesterday i took a situation I couldn’t handle to my administration. “This is happening with this child, it is out of my skill set, can you help?” And they said yes. There was i time, not too long ago, when I would have suggested things the child could do do mitigate the problem (what I would have done in the child’s place) or other people the child could talk to (which the child would not have done, because they were comfortable with me, not the other people) but instead I thought “i can’t fix this, but I know people who can.” And passed the weight of that piece of the world on to stronger shoulders.
Instead of thinking “you shouldn’t have to lift that” or struggling with the weight of something I couldn’t lift, and letting it wear me down, I passed it on and let it go.
god grant me the strength, courage, and wisdom to ask for help.
Chicken lady
4-21-18, 8:21am
And then sometimes there is clarity.
i think I have mentioned that my heart daughter and I work at the same place?
there is an event happening with administration that is both an honor and a complete pain in the butt. Last week heart daughter (who was “invited”) found out I was not included in this event. She reacted with indignation on my behalf and I told her I was totally good. Then I got an invitation. Yesterday at lunch I asked her if she was responsible for that, and when she said “yes” I gave her a sarcastic, great, now I have to figure out how to get out of this gracefully - it conflicts with food bank. (It also conflicts with my class) she gave me a speech on all the reasons it was important for me to participate, and I basically rolled my eyes. I do not feel a need to have my “unique voice” added, i am not concerned about my status and image, and I don’t think there is anything important here that she can’t do.
after work yesterday, she appeared at the door of my classroom, opened her mouth to speak, and then stopped, choked with tears. I immediately jumped up, grabbed hold of her and asked what happened (I was panicked that something bad had happened to heart grandson or her gf) when she caught her breath she started in on trying to explain that she was sorry she had put me in this position and why she had done it and I came back with feeling horrible that I had made her feel so bad and telling her it was not a big deal, and I was sorry for whining and i would just say no, and really I wasn’t worried about it. But she kept talking and finally she said “I can’t do this by myself. I need you there.”
oh.
so I said “then I will be there.”
all you have to do is ask kid.
sometimes it breaks my heart that after 19 years she is still afraid to ask.
Chicken lady
4-28-18, 1:51pm
I am finding my voice.
this week, I lobbied for money for equipment upgrades - and I got it.
i explained to dh why I was resistant to his brother’s surprise visit - and was told it was fine for me to not alter my plans to accommodate it.
and I “spoke my truth” concerning a rather messy interpersonal situation at work and in response the administration altered their approach in a way that I think will be beneficial to all involved. And I got thanked.
also, I am exhausted.
Bravo CL! It is tiring, but so worth it.
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