View Full Version : CS Monitor article: "One Day This Will All Be Yours"
I feel like we've beaten this topic with a stick, and recently read an article similar to this one (https://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Society/2017/0725/Boomer-parents-One-day-this-will-all-be-yours.-Grown-children-Noooo), but I still enjoyed it.
It's about how children don't want their parents' stuff--and how people downsizing have such a hard time of it. I liked this quote:
“I had a china cabinet in my dining room with all my wedding presents ... my mother’s sugar bowl, the silver. I just loved it. I would look at it every day,” she says.
Ultimately, she says, the lifestyle she wanted outweighed the things she thought she cherished.
“Over the years, when you can’t hand it down, you have to let it go,” she says. She and her husband are now living out their urban dream.
I've noticed that I'm having a hard time letting go of stuff that used to be a regular part of my lifestyle, but no longer is. When I was in my 20's and 30's, I was very social and hosted gatherings often. I've got a bunch of stuff that I used regularly then - cool glassware (margarita, martini, etc), big serving pieces, pretty tablecloths, etc. But it's been years since I've used them as I no longer get much enjoyment from hosting gatherings. And when I do have company, I keep things really easy now - pick up a couple of Costco pizzas and use paper plates. I want to reserve my energy for other things that I enjoy now. I don't want to be tired from all the shopping, cooking and cleaning after people anymore.
Hmmm... I guess that's an acceptance of my decreasing energy as I get older.
I had been thinking that if I donate to the Goodwill, someone else can enjoy these things. And now I'm thinking, "Yeah, some young person can have a party!"
I wonder if the sadness in letting these things go is the fact that it forces me to recognize that my youth is gone and, physically at least, it's all downhill from here.
Other than a couple of photos of my parents, their siblings, and my grandparents, I really didn't want any of my parents' things except a gorgeous cedar chest that my mother had purchased shortly after they got married. Thankfully my mother was not at all sentimental so she was ruthless about getting rid of stuff when they moved from the house I grew up in to the condo they retired in. And then several years after she died dad moved to an assisted living facility and got rid of 3/4 of what was left. By the time he died about all that was left was a lot of well used clothes, a few pieces of well used furniture, and a few mementos like the above mentioned pictures. The Disabled Vets and Salvation Army took it all away in the span of a morning. I will be forever grateful to my parents for not burdening my sister and I with having to get rid of lots of stuff.
Having had both my mother-in-law and father-in-law pass away within the past year or so, and having to deal with their possessions, this story hits home.
They had been divorced for decades, each had large, well-furnished Victorian-style homes, and also a old-school beach cottage. And both were very keen on various relatives having various chairs, tables, cabinets, and whatnot that they'd "expressed interest in" over the years.
Well, nobody wants this stuff. The people of my generation all have homes of their own, usually very different homes with different lifestyles in different locations. And the younger generations have no interest at all in "the family china", "the family silver", Great-Aunt-Somebody's Mother's dresser, and so on.
It's just a nightmare.
I know that most people on this board believe that downsizing and getting rid of much that is family-related is the best way to achieve this state of enlightenment:
the lifestyle she wanted outweighed the things she thought she cherished.
but any lifestyle is partially constructed of things. So they might as well be things you find beautiful, and things that remind you of people you love and happy times, and enduring, or you would have to keep buying them, which would be non-frugal.
If you want a lifestyle that fits in an Airstream, that's great! If you want a farm with sheep and a woodstove, and you have wanted it since you were five years old, who's to say that isn't great? Lifestyles are just that, and to some extent you get to choose, and to some extent, you life as you can afford, and if you live in San Francisco, then you're probably not going to have the space you might have in Savannah.
I'd love my parents' John Deere tractor, but I'm probably not going to get it, for example.
Chicken lady
8-4-17, 6:37pm
Again, ASK your kids if they want your crap. Because I know most of the people here think stuff is a burden. But some of us (with our farms and our wood stoves - goats! Sheep are stupid) want the stuff. Dh is still sad about some of the things his grandfather got rid of.
my 25 y.o. Dd was delighted to get my great grandmother's China as a wedding gift.
otoh, my cousin is an only child. After my grandmother died, my aunt was putting a special (to her) figurine into the china cabinet and told my cousin "some day, this will be yours" my cousin said "I'm an only child. Some day all of this will be mine." And then she looked at me in panic and hold me I had to promise to help her.
one thing my annoying mother in law has done right is ask. She usually doesn't like the answers, because we want the wrong stuff, but she asks. And on her last visit she brought dh his little antique wooden tractor (which is now parked on his desk with it's wagon load of tiny wooden hay bales.)
I got rid of so many family "heirlooms" when we moved. The funny thing is I don't even remember what most of them were. Was advised to take photos to remember them by but don't even want to do that. I think saving just a few small things with a story behind them is OK though. For example, when my parents married in the 1940s, as a gift they received a small storage chest made by a roadside hobo. Lots of little pieces of wood in a crazy quilt pattern - I suppose made from wooden cigar boxes. It has been in every house I've ever lived in and I know its story. DD will get it someday and having seen it growing up, I am hopeful she will enjoy having it.
I mentioned in another thread my going to CT to visit my aunts. One of my aunts lives with her daughter, my cousin, in a GORGEOUS old farmhouse. I've always admired the multiple built-in hutches with shelves and shelves of pewter platters, silver tea sets, etc. etc. Walls decorated with antique scythes and shabby rush chairs.
So, while I was there, my cousin pulled me aside and said, "What would you like?" And I asked her, "What do you mean?" And she said, "My mom and I would like to give you something," and she waved her hand at the walls of stuff.
It was such a kind and generous gesture but I couldn't even answer. I think I should have picked one or two things to take with me out of gratitude and respect, but I couldn't even do that. I thanked her profusely but then explained about my BIL selling his house and us having to figure out what to do with MIL's things, so I just don't have room. All I could think of was, "Gee this room isn't as appealing to me as it used to be. Looks like a lot of clutter."
From my father-in-law's hoard, I elected to be given:
- A Norwegian-English dictionary, and a Norwegian grammar textbook
- A crosscut saw that was in the garage
From my mother-in-law's, I kept:
- Another crosscut saw
- Some log handling tools
- About 17 mining claims on the backside of Pike's Peak where the ancestral family gold/silver mines are, and the trout stream
- Her copy of The Joy Of Cooking with her hand-written notes and recipes tucked inside
- One small black piece of pottery from P'ohwhóge Owingeh, which is apparently worth more than my car
- Her copy of The Joy Of Cooking with her hand-written notes and recipes tucked inside
One of the few things I have from my mother is a tin recipe box filled with my mother's recipe cards. Most say things like "Joan's Beef Stroganoff" or "Claudia's Marinara Sauce" or "Aunt Florence's Bread Pudding." Joan and Claudia and Aunt Florence are friends/family, which makes these cards even more special. She also included her own recipes in her very slanted-to-the-right handwriting: her Christmas cookie recipe which I've used for years. That card is all greasy and has a hole in it from where she would thumbtack it to the cabinet while making the batter. I touch that card, and the grease and flour bring her to life. I'm touching her. That recipe box is one of my favorite things.
Williamsmith
8-5-17, 5:20am
One of the few things I have from my mother is a tin recipe box filled with my mother's recipe cards. Most say things like "Joan's Beef Stroganoff" or "Claudia's Marinara Sauce" or "Aunt Florence's Bread Pudding." Joan and Claudia and Aunt Florence are friends/family, which makes these cards even more special. She also included her own recipes in her very slanted-to-the-right handwriting: her Christmas cookie recipe which I've used for years. That card is all greasy and has a hole in it from where she would thumbtack it to the cabinet while making the batter. I touch that card, and the grease and flour bring her to life. I'm touching her. That recipe box is one of my favorite things.
There are possibly people who poopoo the idea of "touching" a loved one by touching an item they owned....discarding it as a "feelings" based impulse. However, it is actually likely that when you touch the recipe card, your DNA mixes with the "touch DNA of the previous owner at a very microscopic but very real level. Something to appreciate there.
Sad Eyed Lady
8-5-17, 9:01am
There are possibly people who poopoo the idea of "touching" a loved one by touching an item they owned....discarding it as a "feelings" based impulse. However, it is actually likely that when you touch the recipe card, your DNA mixes with the "touch DNA of the previous owner at a very microscopic but very real level. Something to appreciate there.
I like that. Never thought of it that but way, but I like what you said here.
Today, I thought about my mother's wedding ring which was purchased in 1942 in Denver and sits in a little celluloid box in my vanity. The platinum band is broken but the diamond still sparkles. I picture her as a young woman in love having the best time of her life and wonder how such a tiny ring could fit anyone. But then I think about the years of her pain after his affair and their divorce. Wonder where that box stayed in her dresser and why she even kept it? And wonder what I should do with it now?
Today, I thought about my mother's wedding ring which was purchased in 1942 in Denver and sits in a little celluloid box in my vanity. The platinum band is broken but the diamond still sparkles. I picture her as a young woman in love having the best time of her life and wonder how such a tiny ring could fit anyone. But then I think about the years of her pain after his affair and their divorce. Wonder where that box stayed in her dresser and why she even kept it? And wonder what I should do with it now?
wear it
sell it
give it to your daughter
Teacher Terry
8-5-17, 8:03pm
I always ask my kids before I get rid of stuff. They want very few of the heirlooms. I used to enjoy having more things around but now I don't. It is also much quicker to clean and easier. I also don't want to burden my kids when I die. My parents downsized and got rid of stuff so it was not a big job when they died. However, I have had inlaws in the past that did the opposite and it was a burden.
I never had or wanted a diamond engagement ring, but apparently it bugged my mother a little bit that I didn't have one. When my great aunt died in 2007, my Mom got back her mother's diamond that my aunt had (long story) and gifted it to me with a great deal of love and family meaning from her. It isn't anything I ever would have chosen for myself, but I appreciate all the sentiment imbued in that little vintage ring, and I do often wear it. I think the diamond sparkles with my mother's love for me.
Today, I thought about my mother's wedding ring
My mom (widow) sold her wedding ring a few years ago. It was nothing big; if it had a diamond at all it probably was about the size of the one on my record player. ;) My mom loved my dad (still does, truth be known) but it didn't fit any longer, resizing that particular ring would have been difficult, and she didn't want to dwell on no longer being married to him anyway. My mom asked if I wanted the ring, but I'd already bought DW's wedding ring. It felt odd having it as a keepsake anyway. (I have very few keepsakes of my parents'; I'd rather keep their spirits alive). I was surprised, though, at how much I disliked the idea of her selling it to some random jeweler/pawn shop/wherever. Pretty much anything else in her house? Go for it, mom. The wedding ring, though, was different. But it was her ring; her choice. I hope she did something enjoyable with the money.
Williamsmith
8-6-17, 7:26am
I refused a wedding band and so do not have one. But the wife, has many rings. I don't value things generally so I have to keep in mind that my three children might not feel the same way. So as I have conversations with my kids I try to note when they mention that they'd like to inherit something.
Many may not be able to relate but firearms have been such a big part of my life. I have a fox sterlingworth vintage sixteen gauge side by side shotgun my uncle gave me. I also have every side arm I carried on duty. And a rifle I built myself. I would be disappointed if they left the family.
The only other item I cherish is my father's 50's vintage Gibson electric guitar. It's value means nothing relative to the fact that when I play it, I can feel his spirit on the fretboard. He aspired to be a musician and probably was frustrated by his responsibilities that kept him from pursuing his dreams. So I play it and he seems to come to life again.
Interesting how some things have no meaning....and others all the meaning in the world.
Chicken lady
8-6-17, 8:23am
When we were last at dh parent's house, dh mom had all the kids walk around the house and make a list of things that had significant sentimental value to them. Dh was last and I walked around with him. There is a black power long barreled gun (I know nothing) that belonged to dh great grandfather hanging on the wall of the dining room. Dh looked at it for a long time and then said "(little brother) probably already asked for that." I told him to put it on his list anyway, he could still let his brother have it.
he was astonished that he was the only one to mention it. His list had 7 items, He was handed one to put in his pocket on the spot, his sister had already asked for one, and three more (one requested by his sister, s they each hot one) arrived in a shoebox when his parents visited recently. The gun and the fountain will be in the will. His parents made the fountain for his grandparents when dh was very small.
wedding/engagement rings are complicated. My dd has my grandmother's engagement ring - the original bought when Gramp was young and poor, not the replacement she wore by the time I was born, and she loves it. Both the ring, and the hope that her marriage will resemble theirs.
i have my other grandmother's wedding band. It was given to me by my step grandmother long after my grandfather's death. My grandfather had remarried in less than a year, not to someone he had known before. In fact, she was at least the third woman he asked. He wanted sex and a housekeeper. My family was truly lucky Margaret said yes. He just handed her my grandmother's jewelry box.
no one ever told me anything about what my grandfather was like before the war. Even his sister never told me a single story about when they were kids. But I know he came home an abusive alcoholic. I have pictures of my grandparent's engagement, (before the war) and they look young and very happy. I remember a lot of fun (and booze) in my grandparents house when mom mom was alive, but not much between them. I asked my mother if she thought they were happy, and she said "I think so, in their way." He only hit the boys. She tried to protect them. And verbally she could give as good as she got.
so all that is wrapped up in this little gold circle for me.
it fits me perfectly. My wedding band is part of a set welded to my engagement ring. I don't have a plain gold band and dh thinks I should wear this one when I am not wearing mine (often because I have my hands in clay all the time and the setting on mine is detailed and slightly fragile) but I can't.
ds is getting married in September and it didn't even cross my mind to offer them the band.
I'm not a big jewelry person at all, but for the past 40 years I've worn my wedding ring on my left hand, and an old engagement ring that used to be my grandmother's on my right. It wasn't even the engagement ring she got from my grandfather--she had been engaged to someone and they broke it off and she kept the ring. It's pretty, and that's the only reason I wear it. I don't have an engagement ring of my own. My DH had given me a set of diamond earrings as an engagement gift instead of a ring, and unfortunately they were stolen from a jewelry store when they were there for a cleaning (only time I ever had jewelry cleaned in my entire life--should have probably sued the jewelry store for the price of the earrings, but I didn't).
Fortunately I only have one daughter, and she may want those rings. As far as the other stuff, I don't know. I think it's a good idea to have my kids stake their claim on my stuff before I die.
iris lilies
8-6-17, 11:45am
We had a few family diamond rings floating around, but none of them worth much.
When I was about 50 years old my mom gave me the biggest family ring, a platinum art deco piece. It is a classic setting of the time, 100 years ago. Because the diamond has both a chip and a scratch on the underside, it isnt worth much and that's ok with me. I think of those faults as being the identifying features of that diamond and if it is stolen, I can identify it.
Prior to the age of 40, I wouldnt have liked this ring, but now I love it. So ya'll keep in mind that the tastes of your kids changes as they age. That doesnt mean keep stuff around for them forever! But something to consider. My mom had a pair of costume jewelry earrings "from Spain" that she gave away to my cousin after asking me if I wanted them. I was 20 years old and I thought they were hideous. Now, I would like them, I like bing dangly earrings. I have looked on ebay off and on for years and havent spotten any like them. Eventually I will run into a pair and they will not be expensive.
I've noticed that I'm having a hard time letting go of stuff that used to be a regular part of my lifestyle, but no longer is. When I was in my 20's and 30's, I was very social and hosted gatherings often. I've got a bunch of stuff that I used regularly then - cool glassware (margarita, martini, etc), big serving pieces, pretty tablecloths, etc. But it's been years since I've used them as I no longer get much enjoyment from hosting gatherings. And when I do have company, I keep things really easy now - pick up a couple of Costco pizzas and use paper plates. I want to reserve my energy for other things that I enjoy now. I don't want to be tired from all the shopping, cooking and cleaning after people anymore.
Hmmm... I guess that's an acceptance of my decreasing energy as I get older.
I had been thinking that if I donate to the Goodwill, someone else can enjoy these things. And now I'm thinking, "Yeah, some young person can have a party!"
I wonder if the sadness in letting these things go is the fact that it forces me to recognize that my youth is gone and, physically at least, it's all downhill from here.
Geila, I think you're on the right track when you think about the joy someone else will get by using your party glassware and dishes! I also have to wonder if, by letting go of these items that you no longer use and are no longer a part of your life, you'll open up space for something new and exciting. Not necessarily "stuff." And, just because we're older, doesn't mean we can't still have a great time doing things we love with people we like and love. I've struggled with the same feelings, but I've found it to be very freeing once I decide to let go of those items that are no longer a part of my current life. Just my .02.
Teacher Terry
8-7-17, 4:42pm
A friend of mine that is 10 years older gave me some beautiful liqueur glasses because she no longer entertains and we do. There were so many that I split them with my BF. We use them and love them.
I wanted to give the glassware to my niece, who is 35 and often hangs out with her friends, but she said her and her friends don't socialize at home. They always go out somewhere - restaurant, coffee shop, etc.
My goal is to pack these things up this week and drop them off at Goodwill. I've found many treasures at GW over the years, and now it's my turn to provide them.
And, yes, I am getting excited about what new adventures might come into my life now that I'm making room for them, physically and otherwise.
I can totally relate to not wanting to get rid of stuff that used to be part of your lifestyle. I used to brew beer. A lot of beer. I got pretty good at it and it was cheaper than buying beer at the store. Especially since I lived in an apartment where water and cooking gas were included in the rent. Then we moved to California. 8 1/2 years ago. Our first apartment was small and not well suited to brewing (lack of storage for all the supplies, bottles, etc, and it got way too hot during the day. Fermentation at those temps would've made for some pretty off flavors. 7 years ago we moved to our current apartment. There's plenty of space for the stuff. I have a kegerator now so I wouldn't even have to hassle with individual bottles. The temperature is stable as a rock. But I still haven't brewed a single batch of beer. But I just can't get myself to get rid of all the stuff associated with it. The idea of finally giving up the idea that I might ever do it again is just too sad somehow. And since we aren't planning to move any time soon it just doesn't seem necessary.
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