Difficult coworker?

[Ultralight]

There is a difficult coworker at my job. She is fairly nice, relatively polite, and certainly means well. But she has some difficult and sometimes insufferable personality traits.

Since I am very polite and generally a sympathetic and empathetic person she has attached herself to me a bit. I also defend her when others mock her behind her back because (as I tell these mockers) I don't think she can help it. I don't think she can read facial expressions or detect tone of voice.

This coworker will talk your ear off about things you literally have zero reason to care about, usually a fairly obscure hobby she is really into.

She also complains and complains and complains. Now, I will gripe here and there like everyone else; and I will make jokes about certain aspects of my workplace (favoritism, working in a windowless basement, having a totally detached set of ghost bosses, and all the pointless meetings). But this coworker can pull the wind out of everyone's sails -- even mine! That is a feat.

People dread talking to her and avoid interacting with her.

Any thoughts on what to do?

If there was an excellent and helpful way to deal with her on the individual and group levels that would go a long way in simplifying and easing my work.

[Chicken lady]

How sure are you about the not processing affect? Because you could be describing me. (Only I love my job) and here is the thing about that - if I was in a coworkers room babbling about my chickens and they interrupted me and said "hey chicken lady, I have to work. I'll see you later." I would say "oh, sorry." And leave. Totally unoffended. If it happened a whole bunch of times, I would think "I shouldn't go bother this person on my break, they need to work during that time."

I can think if at least one instance where one of my kids has had to tell me "mom, so and do doesn't want to be friends with you."

[Ultralight]

How sure are you about the not processing affect? Because you could be describing me. (Only I love my job) and here is the thing about that - if I was in a coworkers room babbling about my chickens and they interrupted me and said "hey chicken lady, I have to work. I'll see you later." I would say "oh, sorry." And leave. Totally unoffended. If it happened a whole bunch of times, I would think "I shouldn't go bother this person on my break, they need to work during that time."

I can think if at least one instance where one of my kids has had to tell me "mom, so and do doesn't want to be friends with you."

The unfortunate thing is that literally everyone in the office would tell her to buzz off if decorum were not a thing. Well, I would probably not tell her to buzz off. But I would set her a time limit of perhaps ten minutes a day of interacting with me directly.

After she talks to me for a few minutes I say: "Welp... I ought to get back to it" and I start turning back to my computer. About 50% of the time, maybe a bit more, she will honor this. But she also ignores this and keeps on going. Another coworker says: "What bothers me most is how she will just linger in your cube...waiting...waiting for the conversation to possibly start again."

[herbgeek]

I don't think she can read facial expressions or detect tone of voice.

This coworker will talk your ear off about things you literally have zero reason to care about, usually a fairly obscure hobby she is really into.


Oh you work with Nancy too? Back when I commuted into the office, Nancy was on the other side of the cube. Any minor annoyance to anyone else is a huge deal to Nancy and I have to hear about it every day. Now its easier since my interaction with her is in group conference calls, but there's something almost every day she has to complain about. Conversation is only one sided- she will go on and on about her hobbies, but never even say something like "how was YOUR weekend?".

So I empathize. I just mostly keep my distance and try to redirect her when her whines go on too long.

[Chicken lady]

I will forget to ask about your weekend, your kids, your new car... I will assume that if you wanted to tell me about stuff, you would tell me. That's why discussion boards are so good for me - when people want to talk about stuff, they start a thread!

"well... I ought to get back to it." May be too subtle. You need to give her a cue to actually leave. As in "see you later." Also "ought" is a soft word. "Now" is a hard word - a clear word. As in "(unfortunately) - if you want to be polite - I have work I have to get back to now. I'll talk to you later."

[Zoe Girl]

Oh dear, we have one. Really, really difficult. I used to have all these techniques but this lady blows them all away. People have actually lost their temper in a meeting, told her off and left. No freakin' joke. I don't know if it is better or worse that we only had meetings a few times a month and other than that worked at individual sites. One of my work friends has been supportive of her and then calls me for support so I know a lot more than I should, it is okay. I know that she is in quite a bit of trouble for some of her behaviors. The administration has changed slowly over the years and no longer will tolerate some of this so the pressure is on. She is open about having ADD, however the severe depression is another thing that she would not want them to know.

I had to work hard with this lady because I was also empathetic and she sat near me often. I had to work on breaking that. She would be trying to have a side conversation with me and I would have to put my hand on hers and tell her that I was trying to listen multiple times. At least we don't work in the main office. I did hear one of the accountants lost her cool, M had to ask extremely detailed questions over and over to manage one transaction and it was just too much. I am not sure what I would do with the random cubicle drop-in however.

[iris lilies]

The unfortunate thing is that literally everyone in the office would tell her to buzz off if decorum were not a thing. Well, I would probably not tell her to buzz off. But I would set her a time limit of perhaps ten minutes a day of interacting with me directly.

After she talks to me for a few minutes I say: "Welp... I ought to get back to it" and I start turning back to my computer. About 50% of the time, maybe a bit more, she will honor this. But she also ignores this and keeps on going. Another coworker says: "What bothers me most is how she will just linger in your cube...waiting...waiting for the conversation to possibly start again."

You allow her to babble at you for ten minutes? ten interminable minutes? Dear god. And while she is standing at your comouter?

there are many things wrong with this, but at the least, she is stealing time from your employer. At least she doesn't do with this everyone because they have cut her off, if I understand the situation correctly.

I had someone babbling at me last week and
I could take it for about a minutes, maybe it was closer to two minutes, but then I was done.

when she doesnt honor your statement of getting back to work, you need to tell her "I cant work while you are talking to me, I need to work now." And if that doesnt work tell her "please leave now." She may need that kind of direction.

[razz]

Set a polite quiet parameter - I can give you about 2 minutes and then you must leave my space so that I can do my job. Set up a timer and when it rings. You are done. Use your cellphone as the timer with a pleasant ring to announce the end of 2 minutes. If anyone questions your approach, you can say you have tried other approaches, what would they suggest?

[JaneV2.0]

People often parked themselves at my desk and yammered away. I mostly kept working throughout. Now, maybe if I'd retaliated with tales of quilting tricks or the latest nutritional studies--the "yakkity-yaks," as Temple Grandin would characterize them. are rarely receptive to anyone else's thoughts--they would have faded away. I feel your pain.

[SteveinMN]

The unfortunate thing is that literally everyone in the office would tell her to buzz off if decorum were not a thing.
Uhh, they already have. That's why she's glommed on to you. It sounds like they've figured out how to do it. Take their lead.

[Geila]

Dh hates work yakkers. If people start talking to him he just ignores them and keeps doing his own thing. Since he does this to everyone, people have learned that it's not personal, he's just not interested. He's a salaried employee and sees it as them stealing his time, because he still has to get his work done no matter what. So every minute he listens to them or talks to them is a minute he has to make up for on his own dime. He doesn't care whether people like him or not. He's there to work and get paid. The End.

Maybe practice some similar detachment? I do think it's easier for men to get away with it than it is for women. Women are expected to be "nice" all the time.

[Ultralight]

You allow her to babble at you for ten minutes? ten interminable minutes? Dear god. And while she is standing at your comouter?

there are many things wrong with this, but at the least, she is stealing time from your employer. At least she doesn't do with this everyone because they have cut her off, if I understand the situation correctly.

I had someone babbling at me last week and
I could take it for about a minutes, maybe it was closer to two minutes, but then I was done.

when she doesnt honor your statement of getting back to work, you need to tell her "I cant work while you are talking to me, I need to work now." And if that doesnt work tell her "please leave now." She may need that kind of direction.

She does this to everyone.

I would not put up with it outside of work because that time is way to valuable. At work, that is my employer's time. So I am not very strict.

[sweetana3]

People from my group used to congregate at my desk and just talk about whatever because I was the secretary, was in the middle of the area, and had a kind of counter on one side of my space they could lean on. I finally had it and simply told them they were not allowing me to concentrate on my work. Since one of them was the union rep., it was recognized as a clear request to leave and let me work. At that point, it was a work issue. There were other times and places to talk to each other.

Some people need clear direction and often repeated directions. I like the idea of a timer, if you have the minutes to give them. I think it is always right to tell someone you do not have time to socialize because you have work to do.

[Lainey]

Maybe try blaming it on an anonymous boss or senior administrator. Boss "said I'm spending too much time socializing so I won't be able to chat at work now or else I'll get in trouble."
The work version of "it's not you, it's just the rules.."

[gimmethesimplelife]

One thing I love about being a temp and working banquets - it's perfectly acceptable for me, as long as I'm maintaining productivity, to go off into my own world and have little to do with co-workers other than for realistically required work reasons. It makes life a lot easier if you don't have to schmooze, though there are a few temps I've worked with that I have known for some time now and with these few I feel safe to schmooze while we are on break on our free meal while our guests are listening to their guest speaker. Other than that, I am grateful to be done (at least at this work situation) with work socialization/politics. Rob

[JaneV2.0]

One thing I love about being a temp and working banquets - it's perfectly acceptable for me, as long as I'm maintaining productivity, to go off into my own world and have little to do with co-workers other than for realistically required work reasons. It makes life a lot easier if you don't have to schmooze, though there are a few temps I've worked with that I have known for some time now and with these few I feel safe to schmooze while we are on break on our free meal while our guests are listening to their guest speaker. Other than that, I am grateful to be done (at least at this work situation) with work socialization/politics. Rob

Yes, yes, yes. I arranged my work life to avoid schmoozing as much as possible--often working off shifts. In some jobs, with some co-workers, I didn't mind so much, but so much mindless small talk can be draining.