View Full Version : Obituaries
I'm dealing with one pesky ailment or another. The latest is horrible eyestrain so I have trouble wearing my contact lenses. My eye exam a couple months ago showed everything normal.
So I remembered my dad used to read obituaries to make himself feel good that he had outlived people younger than him. I started reading and the opioid epidemic hit me. Young man after young man - 20's or 30's - died suddenly, died unexpectedly, died at home, no mention of employment, no mention of a medical charity for an illness in lieu of flowers, private ceremony.
It did not make me feel better.
I'm seeing some obits from slightly older people I knew from work. Dying in your 60s now seems young.
But I also applaud the obituaries which seem more open and honest, specifically those which acknowledge a life partner/same-sex spouse - something not seen here 10-15 years ago. Also fun to read those with a sense of humor - remember the one lady who mentioned a "back-stairs lover" in her pre-written obituary? Hilarious.
My only nit is those which describe the deceased's "courageous battle against [cancer, other disease]." Does anyone ever say they fought a half-assed battle, or declined to "fight" at all?
catherine
8-17-17, 11:36am
My only nit is those which describe the deceased's "courageous battle against [cancer, other disease]." Does anyone ever say they fought a half-assed battle, or declined to "fight" at all?
I guess my take on that is when people see how loved ones approach a terminal disease, it can be inspiring and life-changing for the loved one as well because all of a sudden you have a front-row seat to that journey. I think anyone with cancer or other terminal illnesses are courageous by definition.
In terms of reading obituaries, I read them for the opposite reasons. I have actually saved obituaries of total strangers that I found inspiring. I remember there was one woman who died in her 90s after being a teacher, and then after retiring she traveled to places like Nepal, learned Chinese, took art classes, etc. etc. Everyone has a story, and too often we don't learn about how remarkable people are until they're dead and they get their 3 minutes of fame in the obituaries.
I check the obits in the Sunday paper every week. I tell DH that we made it another week. ;)
I've been thinking a lot lately about what it feels like to "not be"....especially when one health issue after another keeps popping up.
This whole trip is so puzzling to me.
Teacher Terry
8-17-17, 12:44pm
A few months ago I wrote my good friend's obituary. We had been friends for 15 years and I was her guardian because her family were all dead. I had to research to fill in some items that I knew about and did not know the specifics. I did not have a service for her because there was no one to come. As her illnesses progressed all her local friends dropped by the wayside. However, her good friends in San Diego are having a service this Sunday so I wrote about our time together so it could be read at the service. MOst of the people I have never met and the one couple that knew me wanted me to write and they said it will be meaningful to others that attend. I wrote about some funny things and some more serious. I tried to hit the highlights of our friendship and journey together.
I've had to place some obituaries recently. Some newspapers are very predatory in their pricing. (And the things I could say about funeral homes...)
Teacher Terry
8-17-17, 1:10pm
This couple are in the veteran's cemetery because he is a Vietnam vet. His internment and plaque was free and it cost 400 for her. WE have already signed up to do the same thing. The crematory charged 2k for that, body pickup and an urn. But it was a small town and they are the only choice. Still way cheaper then a burial. YOu can also be buried for free too. A nice benefit for the vets.
I've had to place some obituaries recently. Some newspapers are very predatory in their pricing.
When my MIL died unexpectedly in VT we had all kinds of arrangements to make to get her body back to NJ, arrange the funeral, etc. I was tasked with writing the obituary, and I really wanted to tell my MIL's story about the strong, accomplished person she was. I went on and on. They said they'd call back with an estimate. So I was driving down the NY State Thruway when I got the call from the funeral home that the obit was going to cost $7.40. So I said, "Great! Run it!" "One day or two?" I considered two for a little while and then figured one would be enough.
Good thing. We got the bill and it was $740!! My frugal Scottish MIL was rolling in the grave she didn't even have yet and shouting at me "Achhh, ya stupid a$$!"
Williamsmith
8-17-17, 3:03pm
When my MIL died unexpectedly in VT we had all kinds of arrangements to make to get her body back to NJ, arrange the funeral, etc. I was tasked with writing the obituary, and I really wanted to tell my MIL's story about the strong, accomplished person she was. I went on and on. They said they'd call back with an estimate. So I was driving down the NY State Thruway when I got the call from the funeral home that the obit was going to cost $7.40. So I said, "Great! Run it!" "One day or two?" I considered two for a little while and then figured one would be enough.
Good thing. We got the bill and it was $740!! My frugal Scottish MIL was rolling in the grave she didn't even have yet and shouting at me "Achhh, ya stupid a$$!"
So I can think of at least two reasons I would have met with the editor. #1 the person that gave me the estimate said, "Seven forty." Me being in shock and grief from the death of my dearly beloved MIL, I took it as $7.40. Your quote should have been "Seven hundred and forty dollars". ... It sounds like you were taking advantage of me in my grief and my inexperience with the newspaper industry. So I won't take you to court for fraud and I won't stand out in front of your offices with a sign that says you are a scammer........if we can agree that I will meet you at $74.
So I can think of at least two reasons I would have met with the editor. #1 the person that gave me the estimate said, "Seven forty." Me being in shock and grief from the death of my dearly beloved MIL, I took it as $7.40. Your quote should have been "Seven hundred and forty dollars". ... It sounds like you were taking advantage of me in my grief and my inexperience with the newspaper industry. So I won't take you to court for fraud and I won't stand out in front of your offices with a sign that says you are a scammer........if we can agree that I will meet you at $74.
You are so right. I hope to someday be that person that challenges the newspaper editor. For now, I'm still just a stupid arse. My husband is the one who takes on the world for me, and he learned those skills from my dearly departed MIL. She was the only person I know who could get a free hotel room because the pool closed an hour early. I was there. I witnessed it.
Williamsmith
8-17-17, 3:21pm
You are so right. I hope to someday be that person that challenges the newspaper editor. For now, I'm still just a stupid arse. My husband is the one who takes on the world for me, and he learned those skills from my dearly departed MIL. She was the only person I know who could get a free hotel room because the pool closed an hour early. I was there. I witnessed it.
Im guessing she was like my whole family who had little to no discretionary money and little white envelopes with money stuffed in it for the monthly bills. What she did wasn't getting something "free" , it was preserving hard earned income. One of my pet peeves is showing up at a hotel and finding the pool, "closed for maintenance". That's an automatic "freebie."
Im guessing she was like my whole family who had little to no discretionary money and little white envelopes with money stuffed in it for the monthly bills. What she did wasn't getting something "free" , it was preserving hard earned income. One of my pet peeves is showing up at a hotel and finding the pool, "closed for maintenance". That's an automatic "freebie."
Yup. That was my MIL. She would scrutinize every "line" (Scottish for "receipt") and she would almost always find a reason to go to Customer Service and fight for a few cents on a pound of apples that was supposedly on sale. That's exactly how she managed to raise two children on a Macy's sales clerk salary.
I love reading obits and figure it is one way of acknowledging someone's existence in this strange plane we find ourselves in. The thought of outliving someone hasn't crossed my mind when looking at them - yet. I always recall one that mentioned the things the person loved (rain, peaches on vanilla ice cream, train rides...and the very small kindnesses she showed. No mention of her education, work history or "accomplishments" which was refreshing.
Teacher Terry
8-17-17, 4:42pm
I would have definitely went to see the editor about that huge amount for the obit. When I was 34 we bought our first new car and I was to get 500 off for just earning my degree. So I brought the diploma in and they made a copy and assured me I would receive it in a short amount of time. Well long story short the salesman never did the paperwork. When I pursued it they told me that it was too late. I told them I expected my $. Then they sent me a bouquet of flowers to work and I was seething. Did they think that was going to make up for the fact they owed me 500. So I started to call the manager daily and finally I told him since I was only working p.t. I intended to picket their dealership everyday until I got my $. I received my $ quickly.
I read the obituaries for my hometown daily. It has both a bad gang problem and a heroin problem, along with high unemployment. I've noticed a larger number of young people, too. A very casual observation, but there also seems to be more people living to over 90. Some of those older people have had more adversity and adventure than most people in our modern culture. I find inspiration in reading about those who struggled with small scale farming, survived wars, single mothers raising several successful children, and the small family businesses that started on a shoestring back before box stores. It's a changing world.
My last experience with running an obit cost about $500 for the basic verbiage. I've noticed that some people now are just running a short notice and referring to the funeral home for a full notice. That makes a lot of sense to me.
rosarugosa
8-17-17, 6:55pm
Interesting - I had noticed that obits in my local paper had trickled off to nothing over the past few years. Now I know why.
Simplemind
8-17-17, 6:59pm
Five years ago I made all the preparations for my mom's death in advance. Nobody in the family was interested or felt they could deal with it. I couldn't believe the difference from place to place and how easy it would be to manipulate somebody who was grieving. I had a sense of humor about it which was not appreciated by the funeral directors. It wasn't long after my mom's death that I actually started working with people who had lost somebody in an unexpected manner and needed help to negotiate "the system" ASAP. My son then went to work for a company that contracts out to the Medical Examiner and I got even more education from him. If people only knew................
frugal-one
8-17-17, 8:41pm
One pet peeve is obits that say "they were born to their parents" .... no kidding!
Interesting - I had noticed that obits in my local paper had trickled off to nothing over the past few years. Now I know why.
Yeah, they have those "legacy" websites where you can read the obit and also leave a note in a "guest book." I think those are replacing the newspaper obits.
Interesting reading this. When DH passed on, the funeral home had a form for me to fill in with simple questions that I and my daughters considered. The funeral director advised of the approximate cost and submitted the obit to the local paper for the day that I wanted it. It never occurred to me that I had to do the obit and submit if myself.
SteveinMN
8-17-17, 10:34pm
Interesting reading this. When DH passed on, the funeral home had a form for me to fill in with simple questions that I and my daughters considered. The funeral director advised of the approximate cost and submitted the obit to the local paper for the day that I wanted it. It never occurred to me that I had to do the obit and submit if myself.
razz, I think that varies. If the obit is pretty straightforward, filling out the form does the job and makes it easier on the bereaved. But some folks like to tell a story or are particular about the light in which their loved one is put (not implying that you didn't; it's just that tellling the story is really important to some folks). That's when they should write the obit themselves.
Last month a cousin of mine (whom I did not know well) died, primarily of system shutdown caused by alcohol abuse. Her siblings chose to write an obit that carefully avoided mention of that and concentrated on the more functional parts of her life, which a funeral director would not have known. And the local paper charged by the word for it. I think the sibs viewed it as part of their healing process, so it was worth it.
BikingLady
8-18-17, 12:50pm
My Dad is 89 and still yells WHOO WHO I beat so and so when he read the obits. Me I try never to read them.
Teacher Terry
8-18-17, 2:05pm
It was important to me to write my friend's obit because I wanted it to be meaningful. She was a truly wonderful person. My Mom wrote her own because she was convinced we would somehow screw it up:)) My Mom asked certain people to sing certain songs at her funeral and bought everything ahead of time. There was nothing for us to do really which was great.
It was important to me to write my friend's obit because I wanted it to be meaningful. She was a truly wonderful person. My Mom wrote her own because she was convinced we would somehow screw it up:)) My Mom asked certain people to sing certain songs at her funeral and bought everything ahead of time. There was nothing for us to do really which was great.
My mom was the same...only her pre-written obit sounded more like a police report. So I lightened and spruced it up. I mean, she even used the word "begat" in reference to me and my siblings! Good grief.
ToomuchStuff
8-19-17, 1:30am
A bit more then 20 years ago, we had a rash where people were reading the obits and breaking into the houses of the deceased or family, during the funeral. It cut way down on obits. Then one local paper, has decreased its size and increased costs, so it is used less.
My only nit is those which describe the deceased's "courageous battle against [cancer, other disease]." Does anyone ever say they fought a half-assed battle, or declined to "fight" at all?
Yes, see Kay's which starts out with a Monty Python quote:
http://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2017/top-funny-obituaries-fd.html
I would like mine to be funny as well, but with my weird sense of humor, it will probably start with, "Now is your chance to be first in line to piss on his grave!".
I would like mine to be funny as well, but with my weird sense of humor, it will probably start with, "Now is your chance to be first in line to piss on his grave!".
If you go into old graveyards and look at some of the words on the tombstones, they are really funny. In Fredericton, NB, I saw stones that said something like "He tried to cross a swollen river" or " Drank too much" so yours will fit right in there.
. . .
Yes, see Kay's which starts out with a Monty Python quote:
http://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2017/top-funny-obituaries-fd.html
. . ..
"...she complained all the way." ha ha, love it
I've had to place some obituaries recently. Some newspapers are very predatory in their pricing. (And the things I could say about funeral homes...)
I agree about the newspaper pricing for obituaries. It's weird that it's become a money-maker but I'm sure the economics of newspapers these days is what drove them to it.
But why in the world won't they even do simple edits on them? It appears that they run them exactly as submitted. I think the fee should include automatic corrections of typos and bad grammar.
But why in the world won't they even do simple edits on them? It appears that they run them exactly as submitted. I think the fee should include automatic corrections of typos and bad grammar.
There are some (many?) in the news world who don't believe in altering what is essentially someone's direct quote (an obituary someone has written for the deceased). It robs the quote of its character and realism to clean up grammar and syntax. Then there's not knowing what exactly is a typo. "... survived by daughter Dembie and son Khristopher." There isn't the time/money to chase down every possible misspelling or typo to verify that it is, indeed, incorrect. At least if the obit provider leaves it alone and can show the submission form/email/paper showed the same error, they're absolved of messing that up at a time when many people themselves are messed up by the emotion of the event.
Teacher Terry
8-20-17, 2:18pm
Kay, if we had changed one word of my mom's she would have haunted us forever:))
With a recent death in the family we took an approach the related more of their personality - their influence on other members of the family, etc. She was a "behind the scenes" type of person who made other people shine and was very comfortable with that. Another obituary on the same page was written in the first person - it was different and I also like it.
I was surprised of what information we were unsure of - places of events, dates, etc. I don't think there is anything wrong with putting together some of the basics in advance.
dado potato
9-3-17, 12:35am
In the vein of building positive expectations, every week in the New York Times I look for obituaries of men who lived to 94 or older. If I find somebody who is interesting in some way, I make a note about him. So gradually I am accumulating a reference group of guys who lived 94, 95, 96 and so up to 104.
Previously I completed the questionnaire on the website livingto100(dot)com and the calculator said I probably would live to 94.
In case you were wondering,
David Rockefeller lived to 101.
Irwin Corey lived to 102. ("The Professor" comedic persona, also panhandled for the homeless in Manhattan)
So did Dr. Curly Watson. (Delivered 15,000 babies during 60 years of practicing medicine)
Senor Wences lived to 103. (Ventriloquist..."S'Aw-Right?... S'Aw-Right!" on the Ed Sullivan Show)
E. R. Braithwaite lived to 104. (author of "To Sir With Love" autobiographical novel)
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