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razz
9-8-17, 6:15pm
Different posters have mentioned some challenges with houseguests over the years whether family or friends. I have had house guests and been one.
Two questions to answer please
1. What parameters do you follow when a house guest?

2. What do you wish your houseguests would follow? Need male input here as well please.

Answer
1.Parameters that I follow:
I ask if I can help with meal prep, grocery purchase, cleaning telling them I am a body available to assist wherever.
I ask the wake-up time and if there are any preferred steps to follow for meals, laundry and activities.
I tell the host where I am at all times.
I provide one major meal - restaurant, takeout or special cooking.
With my family especially, I always ask if the time of a visit that I am suggesting is convenient as do they when visiting me.
A sibling has given me good advice - she calls it the fish test or something similar. Don't stay longer than it would take a fresh fish to go smelly.

2. Parameters that I wish to be followed:
Ask me if it is convenient to visit.
Set a duration limit so that I have an idea of the food etc planning and how my other commitments will work out.
Confine your belongings to the room that you have been assigned except for coat, shoes which get properly stored.
Let me know of any dietary concerns ahead of time.
Please respect my private spaces - ensuite bath, bedroom.
Let me know your arrival time and when you will be in for meals.
When you depart, ask if you should strip the beds and bring the towels to launder.
Remember that this is MY house and you are very welcome but my house rules apply.

Have to think some more about this. Waiting to read what others think.

Yppej
9-8-17, 7:47pm
Don't insult the host's food and reject a half dozen alternatives that are offered to you.

My most recent guest left gift cards as a thank you which was nice. I have generally brought a gift with me and also contributed to the picnic basket or whatever when we go places, except when I travelled with my ex-boyfriend and we stayed with his friends. Then I figured it was up to him.

Your parameters make sense if you are working, but a little formal if both host and guest are on vacation, in which case I would say sleep in don't set a wakeup time and eat when you are hungry rather than setting a mealtime and you don't all have to eat at the same time if someone is coming from several time zones away.

goldensmom
9-8-17, 7:48pm
Most of our house guests are family and our house acts as a bed and breakfast, they know where things are and ‘make themselves at home’. I ask when they will be here for meals and plan accordingly. We usually go out to eat once and I pay. If I am hosting someone, I show them where the towels are, show them around the kitchen, etc. and tell them to ‘make themselves at home’. I will ask if what I plan for meals is okay or if they have other preferences. I also give them a house key (for the rare occasion we lock the door) in case they go somewhere and we go to bed before they get back. Guest have offered to remove bed sheets but I decline saying ‘no thank you, you are my guest and you not here to do housework’. I also try to be respectful of their lifestyle. For instance, we pray before meals but if I know that they do not then we do not. I have never had to ask a guest how long they will be staying as they say in the initial conversation. Very casual, no rules, it has worked so far. If they do something really inappropriate I would address it somehow.


We have not been guests in another’s home in many years but when we were I offered to help with meal prep and clean up (while my husband sits and watches TV) and to help in any other way I saw appropriate.

rosarugosa
9-8-17, 8:53pm
We only stay at hotels and we live in a one-bedroom, one-bed house.

Geila
9-8-17, 10:09pm
We only stay at hotels and we live in a one-bedroom, one-bed house.

I'm jealous right now.

herbgeek
9-9-17, 6:00am
I usually walk them through where the coffee/tea stuff is and what options are available for breakfast in case they are up first. I've only hosted close friends and family, typically for no longer than a weekend, so it's typically flexible as to meals. I prefer they keep their personal items in their room when they aren't being used, but don't say anything about this.

As a guest I watch to see what the family does and act the same. A lot of times people won't tell you their "rules" because they don't think of them that way, that's just how things are done. :) I try to respect privacy and not go into cabinets or closets. I will do that only in the kitchen as people don't tend to keep private stuff there.

Tammy
9-9-17, 7:54am
What would happen if you just smiled and nodded, but didn't do anything related to the guest visit? " sure you can stay here. I'll let you figure out meals - feel free to eat here if you want. You might have want to go to the grocery store if you need things that I don't have in the kitchen. The clean sheets and towels are on the bed - sorry I didn't have time to make it yet. I'm going to be in and out of the house at various times so here's a key. Make yourself at home!"

Then you make all of your medical appointments and brunch dates with friends and personal excursion plans during their visit. Everyday you have your own schedule and you smile and wave as you leave the house.

You are no longer personal hostess and concierge. You are simply sharing your house.

That's what your husband does with going to his job when they are there. You do the same.

Lainey
9-9-17, 12:53pm
I have been a house guest recently, and also hosted a younger relative/guest for a few days at my place. So beyond what was already mentioned, I'll add a few observations:

In the very nice house we stayed at: no table lamps in the guest bedroom. Only light was an overhead light, which made it inconvenient for reading and just lounging there. So my recommendation for hosts is just hang out in the bedroom area you're expecting to offer to see if you can spot those little details that may be missing.

For my younger relative I made sure to let them know my home wifi password right away. They are happiest when connected, so he was relieved when he got internet access right after he settled in. Also I had some local travel magazines in his room for him to browse because I had a few places in mind to tour him around, but he may have had some other local place that appealed to him more and I would have been happy to switch up plans.
I also provided a small fan in the guest bedroom because I know some people rely on white noise and/or moving air to sleep better.

It is nice to have extra toothpaste, shampoo etc. in case guests forget.

Where I differ is that I prefer no "help" in the kitchen. Ours is a galley/one person kitchen, and insisting on helping is actually getting in the way. Meals were simple and several were outside the home as we were touring around, so it was no big deal to have another person to feed for a few days.

goldensmom
9-9-17, 1:30pm
<Lainey>, I have had guests ask for our wi-fi password to which I respond that we do not have wi-fi, only internet access is on our smart phones. The ‘youngin’s’ usually give me a blank stare when I tell them that, although many homes have wi-fi, we do not. I also wish to work solo in meal prep and clean up. When a guest offers to help, I thank them for their offer but ask them to please go enjoy each others company, take a nap or whatever and that it is my pleasure to ‘serve’ them. We have never had house guests stay for more than a week so if it were longer I would think differently.

I do have fans and clocks in each guest room but did not even think about lighting. We live in an old house with only ceiling lights and a lamp for ambiance but nothing for reading. I will have to put some sort of reading light in the guestroom as we have in our bedroom.

Chicken lady
9-9-17, 3:46pm
You know, I have never told anyone to "make themselves at home" this is my home. If you want to spend time with me you are welcome and if I like you, I will try to accommodate you as best I can.

you can eat anything in my kitchen any time you want unless I specifically ask you not to eat something (Ie, please don't eat the A, I bought it to make B on xday) I will tell you where things are if I am nearby. Otherwise, if it's a kitchen thing, look for it in the kitchen, and if it's a bathroom thing, look for it in the bathroom (which has only open shelving) and help yourself to the clean towels on the bathroom shelves and there are clean sheets on your bed, unless you are my mom, one of my kids, or a surprise, in which case I will sometimes hand you clean sheets.

if I am making dinner I will tell or sometimes ask you what time. If I invited you, I will try to plan something you like (if you invited yourself, maybe not)

i will warn you to please ask if you want anything - because I will probably fail to anticipate even your most basic needs. Not on purpose, it is just who I am.

don't go in the barn alone without asking. If you go through a gate, rechain it behind you.

and I beg my inlaws to leave the sheets on the beds and the towels in the bathroom - because having the sheets and wet towels stuffed into pillow cases and piled on my top loading washer in my tiny hallway laundry room just makes my life more difficult. But they know that the right thing for guests to do is to do that, and so they will do it no matter what. (I have seriously considered putting a lock on the laundry room, and then when mil said "I can't get into the laundry room. What do you want me to do with my sheets?" I would say "please put them back on the bed." But I will never do that. Because the one time I insisted on not doing things her way, she decided to "help" me by doing them "my" way - instead of leaving it and letting me do it as I had first asked and then argued - and she either proved herself a complete idiot or deliberately misunderstood me in an attempt to show that I was a complete idiot, and she destroyed something I really liked.)

catherine
9-9-17, 4:30pm
1. What parameters do you follow when a house guest?

2. What do you wish your houseguests would follow? Need male input here as well please.


1.Parameters that I follow:

I don't ask people if I can stay at their house anymore. When I was young and foolish, I invited myself to people's houses, and even brought my kids! I did that to my brother/SIL and to a couple of friends of mine until I realized that I wouldn't want anyone inviting themselves to my house.

So now I even book a hotel when I go to see my kids in Burlington. My son who owns a house will then strong-arm me into cancelling the reservation, or he will say "[Wife's] sister is in town and using the guest room." If I'm totally comfortable that they truly don't mind my staying, I'll go.

When I do go, I clean/tidy the kitchen, take them out to dinner, go to bed early and get up late, and wash the sheets and make the bed before we leave.


2. Parameters that I wish to be followed:

Feel at home. In other words, please feel free to make your own meals, using my food, so I don't have to cook or think up dinners
Try to replace in kind if you use the last of something
Be grateful.
Tell me I have a nice house, even if you don't think so. Compliment my decorating. It will put all my insecurities to rest.

Lainey
9-9-17, 4:55pm
Something else I noticed: some homes don't have a single clear flat surface in the guest bedroom or bathroom.
It's not cluttered, it's just full of knick-knacks that people like to display; however, guests need somewhere to put their phone, wallet, eyeglasses, tablet, etc. in their room, as well as their own toothbrush, hairbrush and other toiletries in the bath area. I deliberately keep any decoration in these rooms pretty sparse so there's plenty of surface space available.

And maybe it's just getting older, but a magnifying mirror would be a welcome touch.

Chicken lady
9-9-17, 5:09pm
I actually find the concept of a "guest room" sort of weird. Especially on a board where a lot of people are into downsizing and minimizing.

How often would you have to have guests to justify maintaining this extra space in your house just for them? I technically have a "guest room" - dh calls it "the guest room" and I hate it. I was really looking forward to having that space when ds moved out, and dh insisted on putting a queen sized bed in there and now it is basically the room where we store the queen sized bed and three shelves of dolls and books. There are no surfaces for guests to use except the top of the small short shelf next to the bed, because there is only room to walk between the bed and the walls/shelves. Ds stays there when he visits and he likes the bed and hates the dolls, and the room is pretty much unused about 85% of the time. If the room had useful furniture, we would have extra hands to carry it out the few days every month we have visitors and could replace it with an inflatable bed. Or fold down a futon. Dh says that isn't nice for guests, so we lose part of our house 85% of the time?

we are discussing this.

(btw, I sound very grouchy, and I do not put myself out in my own home, but people LIKE to come here. We hosted Dd's sil one weekend and she told dd that being here was amazing.)

catherine
9-9-17, 5:15pm
Something else I noticed: some homes don't have a single clear flat surface in the guest bedroom or bathroom.
It's not cluttered, it's just full of knick-knacks that people like to display; however, guests need somewhere to put their phone, wallet, eyeglasses, tablet, etc. in their room, as well as their own toothbrush, hairbrush and other toiletries in the bath area. I deliberately keep any decoration in these rooms pretty sparse so there's plenty of surface space available.

And maybe it's just getting older, but a magnifying mirror would be a welcome touch.

I don't have those expectations, personally. If I'm getting a free bedroom, I recognize that I may be staying in an office/guest room, junk room/guest room, exercise room/guest room. I don't expect amenities. When I sleep at my son's, they only have one nightstand for their full size guest bed. DH has a cpap, so he gets the nightstand. I drag my duffle bag over and lay my phone/glasses on top.

As for the bathroom, I've stayed in an en-suite once, at the home of my affluent friend whose 5-bedroom, 6-bathroom home is just one of her three places. That was nice, better than any hotel. But most people don't have more than one en-suite. I usually carry my toiletries 1970 dorm room style into the bathroom, and take them out when I finish dressing/washing so I don't clutter their space with my stuff.

But I do pride myself on our guest room that has NO clutter whatsoever, and empty dressers and pretty empty closet.

Yppej
9-9-17, 5:43pm
I actually find the concept of a "guest room" sort of weird. Especially on a board where a lot of people are into downsizing and minimizing.

How often would you have to have guests to justify maintaining this extra space in your house just for them?

I looked at smaller homes but to qualify for a standard mortgage I needed at least 3 bedrooms, so I have an extra room that is the guest room.

catherine
9-9-17, 6:17pm
I actually find the concept of a "guest room" sort of weird. Especially on a board where a lot of people are into downsizing and minimizing.



I never bought a home with the idea of providing a guest room. I simply had 4 kids that eventually moved out. And our space needs were far less than the needs of today. I had 4 kids and 3 bedrooms. And one bathroom.

It's kind of nice having one of those unused bedrooms available for guests ("Guests"=returning children on vacation and holidays). And my dog has commandeered the tiny bedroom my DD used to occupy.

goldensmom
9-9-17, 7:28pm
The concept of guest room is history in my family. In my grandmother’s generation, relatives would travel and stay with one another for weeks at a time so houses had guest rooms which was usually the biggest bedroom. It was their version of our modern day vacation. When I was young we had a guest room because my grandmother had a guest room and because we had a lot of ‘company’ that would spend the weekend or a few days. My husband and I live in a house with 6 bedrooms so we have 5 guest rooms. Now that I think about it we just have 5 extra rooms with beds that are not used for anything else, always kept neat and clean just in case. Kind of silly when you think about it.

razz
9-9-17, 8:28pm
I have 3 BR, mine, the spare upstairs, the front which is my quiet room with an extra twih n and a downstairs BR and bathroom, my TV and my sewing room. I use them all, love them all as my family each has a space to curl up and relax when visiting.

Lainey
9-10-17, 12:33pm
Chicken lady, sounds like a day bed would work better than a queen bed in your guest room, especially if it's mostly singletons who are visiting. That would free up a lot of space.

If you have adult children, or adult children with spouses and their own children, who live out of town, then a guest bedroom will be a welcome thing. Even though budget hotel chains are everywhere, it's still pricey for any stay longer than a night or two. But I agree that making that room a multi-purpose room is the best possible use. My siblings and I are all over 55 and the time has long past when we'd all sleep on each other's couches, so having a clean quiet space of their own to use is something I'm glad to be able to provide.

Can I add one other protocol item? Some guests are traveling many hours through different time zones, so their meal schedule is off from yours which means it would be nice to have snacks and drinks available when they arrive to tide them over.

Geila
9-10-17, 1:32pm
I've noticed two types of guests: those who visit to see us and those who visit to see the area and want a free place to stay. And they are very different experiences.

People who want to visit us will call and say they want to see us and would like to come down and want to know when would be a good time and suggest some times that work well for them. The visit is planned together - time frame, activities, etc... These visits are a lot of fun. They are usually planned when we can all take time off from work to enjoy the visit and it is usually not very long, maybe 3-5 days. During the visit itself, everything is casual, meals are usually taken together (with breakfast being a self-serve buffet) and we make time for some activities as well as downtime spent at home. These guest usually bring a small token gift and will offer to provide at least one meal. They offer to help with meal prep and cleanup and make themselves comfortable without taking over the house. Their focus is on enjoying our company.

People who want a free place to stay will tell us when they will be arriving without providing very many details, often including what time they will arrive. Recently dh's friends arrived at midnight on a weekday. Dh waited up for them; they arrived very energetic probably from lots of caffeine, ate some pizza we bought for them and kept dh up until past 1 am. Dh had to get up the next morning at 5:30 for work and they knew that. They had a 6 hour drive to our house so there was no reason for them to arrive so late. They just 'got a late start' and felt no qualms about it and about how that would disrupt our evening. We have dogs so they knew that they would not be making a quiet entrance.

We often don't know how long they will stay and we are not included in any decision making or plans. We don't know their agenda so we cannot plan meals or activities. These visits usually include weekdays when dh is at work and are usually much longer. We've had dh's family stay here up to three weeks at a time. Dh's family will often ask to borrow my car. Dh's family tries to provide at least a meal or two and often will bring a small house gift (chocolates or a hat recently) but they often stay for long periods of time. Dh's friends bring nothing, offer to provide nothing, eat whatever food we have in the house but balk at leftovers, and generally treat the place as a rental. For these guests, the focus is on their own agenda and our comfort does not seem to matter at all. This is the type of guest that I'm sick and tired of.

iris lilies
9-10-17, 2:12pm
I should add that we also make space in our garage and insist that the guest's automobile be kept in our garage at night. We do this because their cars are always full of stuff, and car breakins are common on our street.

Chicken lady
9-10-17, 2:31pm
We do not have the second type of guests. Except dh parents. Who pretend they are coming yo see us but actually are using us as a waystation on the way to somewhere else so that they can park their RV, plug in, empty their septic, fill their water, and use the Internet without having to pay for any of it. They like to get here while we are still at work, expect the code to get into the house, rummage around in our drawers, and help themselves to buckets and hoses which we later have to replace for sanitary reasons. Mil once unplugged a heat lamp in my barn because she "needed" the extension cord. And I "shouldn't leave the light on all day anyway."

they usually stay one or two nights, sleep in the house in seperate beds, and leave while I am trying to get ready to go to work, getting in my way many times and asking for things that are difficult to access. "Just tell me where it is and I'll go get it." - two visits ago I actually told mil "ok. Out in the barn there is a shelving unit behind a pile of boxes about two feet tall, the boxes are hiding and leaning on a folding chair. If you climb up on the folding chair, the top shelf will still be over your head. (Mil is a lot shorter than I am.) There are two fairly heavy blue bins stacked on top of each other on that shelf, and it is somewhere in the bottom one."

they do not bring gifts or offer to provide us meals and they ask to pack up and take with them food from our kitchen when they leave especially if we have any desserts. Dh always says yes.

Geila
9-10-17, 6:44pm
We do not have the second type of guests. Except dh parents. Who pretend they are coming yo see us but actually are using us as a waystation on the way to somewhere else so that they can park their RV, plug in, empty their septic, fill their water, and use the Internet without having to pay for any of it. They like to get here while we are still at work, expect the code to get into the house, rummage around in our drawers, and help themselves to buckets and hoses which we later have to replace for sanitary reasons. Mil once unplugged a heat lamp in my barn because she "needed" the extension cord. And I "shouldn't leave the light on all day anyway."

they usually stay one or two nights, sleep in the house in seperate beds, and leave while I am trying to get ready to go to work, getting in my way many times and asking for things that are difficult to access. "Just tell me where it is and I'll go get it." - two visits ago I actually told mil "ok. Out in the barn there is a shelving unit behind a pile of boxes about two feet tall, the boxes are hiding and leaning on a folding chair. If you climb up on the folding chair, the top shelf will still be over your head. (Mil is a lot shorter than I am.) There are two fairly heavy blue bins stacked on top of each other on that shelf, and it is somewhere in the bottom one."

they do not bring gifts or offer to provide us meals and they ask to pack up and take with them food from our kitchen when they leave especially if we have any desserts. Dh always says yes.

Wow. Ok, at least I don't have to deal with septic waste. How often do they do this to you?

Geila
9-10-17, 6:52pm
I would like to add a question for the thread:

What is your limit/tolerance/preference when it comes to the length of stay and annual limit of house guests and visits?

Dh and I are in talks about what limit we will set once the 1 year break is over. Dh would like to have unlimited guests for unlimited lengths of time. Anything less than that is going to be hard for him, but he is willing to adhere to the limit that I set. I would like to set something reasonable but am wondering if my limit is too restrictive. I'd be happy with 10 days per year of house guests but am willing to go with 14 since his family visits so much. That's 2 weeks per year. And I should clarify that these are the guests that are coming for their own vacations, not to see us. They stay with us for free lodging. Am I being unreasonable? He was pretty shocked at the limit I proposed.

I'd like to hear what you guys have to say on the subject.

Chicken lady
9-10-17, 7:22pm
we don't really have general limits.
My mom could move in with us (in fact, dh has a plan in case she outlives my dad and wants to.)

my kids are good for long stretches, but we need some space. We encourage them to go away for a night or two if they are here for more than a couple of weeks (dd1 lives about an hour away and is happy to have her siblings for a weekend)

if my best friend comes in with her kids I try to make it when dh has a lot going on away from home. She cooks and he loves her food, but the two of us together is hard on him. plus kids he can take one weekend. I have another friend who camped out in the barn loft because she knows she is too much for dh in the house. (Some history there)

dh doesn't have friends come to stay. We have a 5 limit on his parents - 3 nights and two full days (arrive late, leave early) or two nights and however much of three days (arrive early, leave late) they rarely stay that long. They announced a long visit last Christmas and my gift from Dd was that she asked them to come spend a night at her house.

one of my kids' friends moved in with us for a couple of weeks once. That was fun.

most of the older relatives choose to stay in a hotel because they like their space and can afford a nice one. They usually won't come for breakfast because it comes with their room and they want to get up when they want to, eat when they are ready, and wander over to spend the day with us well after the chores are done.

most visitors only stay a long weekend at most. Sometimes I wish they would stay longer, but rarely do I wish they would go. We're more picky about whom than for how long. I am completely comfortable responding to "we're coming to stay with you" with "no you aren't." (Except with my Inlaws - And I did tell dh they couldn't stay with us for Ds's wedding - they had made a statement assuming they would. I let dh tell them though. I don't know what he said.)

razz
9-10-17, 8:04pm
Need some clarification on this. Do you mean that each guest/s can stay for up to 14 days or the total that come for their benefit in any one year is 14 days? I would say that unless they with your planning are coming to see you, all others should pay for hotel accommodation. You could maybe offer to host a meal if you wanted to be kind.

Why should you be paying for their food and shelter and the labour involved in order for them to have a vacation? Help me understand why if it still makes sense to you. That is simply not what friends and family ordinarily do.


I would like to add a question for the thread:

What is your limit/tolerance/preference when it comes to the length of stay and annual limit of house guests and visits?

Dh and I are in talks about what limit we will set once the 1 year break is over. Dh would like to have unlimited guests for unlimited lengths of time. Anything less than that is going to be hard for him, but he is willing to adhere to the limit that I set. I would like to set something reasonable but am wondering if my limit is too restrictive. I'd be happy with 10 days per year of house guests but am willing to go with 14 since his family visits so much. That's 2 weeks per year. And I should clarify that these are the guests that are coming for their own vacations, not to see us. They stay with us for free lodging. Am I being unreasonable? He was pretty shocked at the limit I proposed.

I'd like to hear what you guys have to say on the subject.

nswef
9-10-17, 8:52pm
This thread is eye opening. I cannot imagine how any of you do it! If I had that much company and such RUDE company I would be insane. I hate to stay overnight at anyone's house and I don't want anyone here. My husband is more open as he was used to visiting relatives in the summer. His visits were to visit the people, not just use it as a free hotel room. When my nieces and nephews were little I had ONE at a time for a week. We did lots of exploring of DC, Baltimore and our area. We have a 2 bedroom rancher and the one bedroom has a bed, lamps on each side as I want them if I visit. I use the room for sewing.

Geila
9-10-17, 9:03pm
Need some clarification on this. Do you mean that each guest/s can stay for up to 14 days or the total that come for their benefit in any one year is 14 days? I would say that unless they with your planning are coming to see you, all others should pay for hotel accommodation. You could maybe offer to host a meal if you wanted to be kind.

Why should you be paying for their food and shelter and the labour involved in order for them to have a vacation? Help me understand why if it still makes sense to you. That is simply not what friends and family ordinarily do.

To clarify: it would be to limit free lodging in our home to 14 days per year, on a first come first served basis. Unfortunately, dh feels that providing a free place to stay is exactly what one does for friends and family, regardless of length of stay or number of visitors, or how rude or inconsiderate the guests are. This year, we've probably provided close to 8 weeks of free lodging. That's almost 1 week per month. Dh has not felt this is excessive at all and was fully prepared to offer free lodging till the end of the year for his nephew and anyone else who asked.

This issue had (and probably still has) the potential to become a sticking point in our marriage. He feels a bit angry and resentful that I am asking to set these limits and that he will have to decline his friends' and family's requests to stay here.

I've been thinking of further limiting the stays to immediate family only. Dh has 4 siblings that used to live here and moved to lower cost of living areas but still consider this place home and they like to visit often. So even if we limit to immediate family only, that will still allow for plenty of visitors. Dh has this one friend who visits often and is incredibly annoying and this would mean no more of his visits. But dh has known him for 30 years so I don't know if he'll go for this.

Chicken lady
9-10-17, 9:10pm
You could begin by letting your dh host his guests. When HE has company, he shops for extra food, he cooks, he cleans, he does the extra laundry, he provides a car (and you keep yours), you go about your life. He might feel differently after that.

my inlaws usually only come two or three times a year.

Geila
9-10-17, 9:11pm
This thread is eye opening. I cannot imagine how any of you do it! If I had that much company and such RUDE company I would be insane. I hate to stay overnight at anyone's house and I don't want anyone here. My husband is more open as he was used to visiting relatives in the summer. His visits were to visit the people, not just use it as a free hotel room. When my nieces and nephews were little I had ONE at a time for a week. We did lots of exploring of DC, Baltimore and our area. We have a 2 bedroom rancher and the one bedroom has a bed, lamps on each side as I want them if I visit. I use the room for sewing.

This has been eye opening for me too. I hadn't realized how worn out I was with all of it. I love my husband and want to make him happy, but I've also come to realize that I need to set limits for my own happiness. When dh said that the only thing that would make him happy in this limit-setting scenario was unlimited guests and unlimited stays and that anything else would make him unhappy, that was really eye opening. No wonder I've been putting up with it all this time. I knew at some level that this was very important to him and so I ignored my own frustrations. But hearing him say it made me see how unfair his expectations have been.

Geila
9-10-17, 9:23pm
You could begin by letting your dh host his guests. When HE has company, he shops for extra food, he cooks, he cleans, he does the extra laundry, he provides a car (and you keep yours), you go about your life. He might feel differently after that.

my inlaws usually only come two or three times a year.

This would actually be amusing to try because dh hoards his vacation time something fierce and having him experience having to use vacation time to host his guests would surely be interesting.

But I don't know how it would work in real time. I do plan to make myself very scarce when his family comes for their next visit. They always come for at least a week and I plan to be very busy during that time. I've already told dh. And I will be cutting way back on how much I prep for their visits. Clean sheets and towels on the bed and that's it. And I will no longer be lending out my car or being around to make sure there are no issues with the dogs. Guests will be forwarned about this.
Hmmm... maybe I should have them sign a waiver of liability upon arrival. !Splat!

Chicken lady
9-10-17, 9:38pm
With dogs, possibly.

really, if it's very important to HIM he should do it. If it's very important to him that you do it, what does he do for you? It's not ok to just expect you to exhaust yourself for his benefit.

Tammy
9-10-17, 10:23pm
I think any visit over 2 nights is too much from anyone except my own children and their spouse/kids. For my kids, 5-7 days is long enough.

Perhaps Geila, you could turn this into a side business. Announce to everyone who visits you that you've opened a bed-and-breakfast, and that it costs a certain amount per room per night. ( make it about 40% of the cost of the average hotel in your area ?) Other than immediate family, everyone will be expected to pay for their stay. If you could do that, and you kept the same hostess role that makes your husband happy, would you feel better because you were being paid? That could be one solution that keeps you both happy and it might also cut down on some visits.

Geila
9-10-17, 11:27pm
So I brought up the immediate family only idea and dh said he had already decided that he was going to tell everyone that we are no longer hosting and the only person that can stay with us is the sister that he is close with. He said that will make it easy for him and that as long as his sister and her husband can stay with us, that's enough for him. Of course he didn't tell me any of this on his own. He is not a sharer feelings. Exasperating sometimes! >:(

So it looks like we have an arrangement that will work for both of us. His sister likes to stay for long visits - at least a week - but she's important to him so I'm okay with that. And he understands that she will his guest, not mine. I don't think I will mind their visits if I know that they are the only ones who will be staying with us. And he will limit their visit to two weeks per year.

Dh seems like he has let go of his anger and resentment as well so that's a good thing. Phew. I'm glad this is done.

Geila
9-10-17, 11:30pm
I think any visit over 2 nights is too much from anyone except my own children and their spouse/kids. For my kids, 5-7 days is long enough.


Thanks for saying this. I keep thinking that maybe I'm being unreasonable and mean and that I should be okay with more. Seeing that others feel the same way, even when it's with their own kids, makes me feel better. Normal.

herbgeek
9-11-17, 6:21am
Geila you are not unreasonable, your husband is. He doesn't feel the pain/burden so it just doesn't exist to him. Listen to Chicken Lady.

catherine
9-11-17, 7:58am
Can I add one other protocol item? Some guests are traveling many hours through different time zones, so their meal schedule is off from yours which means it would be nice to have snacks and drinks available when they arrive to tide them over.

When my son/DIL stayed with us for a few months right after they got married, my DIL moved a dorm fridge into the room. I thought that was a little weird, actually. But they left it behind when they moved out. It was really useful for guests, even though it didn't really tie in with the decor :). I stocked it with soft drinks and I put a little basket on top with snacks--it was like a little mini-bar in the guest room.

DIL eventually reclaimed it, but I miss it. I know my visiting kids loved being able to wake up, reach over, and grab a cold Gatorade, especially if they had had a few beers out at the fire pit the night before!


Geila, I agree with everyone else that your DH probably doesn't realize the burden he puts on you with his hospitable nature. I would definitely try to communicate that with him and see if you can find common ground like iris lilies did with her DH. Their system sounds like a great compromise. And I agree with what others have said about the 2-3 day limit. I think the famous Ben Franklin quote is "Guests, like fish, tend to smell after three days."

razz
9-11-17, 9:30am
I think the famous Ben Franklin quote is "Guests, like fish, tend to smell after three days."
That was the quote that I was trying to think of. Thanks Catherine.

Geila
9-11-17, 10:53am
Thanks guys. He did admit that he realized I was the one doing all the work. And that these people are probably taking advantage of us. I also think that he realized how unreasonable his expectations were when he had to say them out loud. He said the hardest part for him will be saying no to people. But I think that's part of being a grown up - and also part of a healthy relationship. Being able to say no is important. Me being able to say no to dh has been a good thing. And I hope he realizes that him saying no to others will be a good thing too.

I should print that fish quote and paste it in my kitchen where all my guests can see it. :) I love it.

SteveinMN
9-11-17, 4:25pm
Just to provide a male perspective (albeit from the person who serves more as the host because he's not at a day job):

First, we do differentiate between close (chosen) family and more -- umm, random -- guests. So we have different rules for different guests, both as hosts and as guests. Some folks require very little "maintenance"; others more so.

1. What parameters do you follow when a house guest?

We try to make a minimal impact on our hosts' lives. If we're visiting in their area, we assume we're on our own for accommodations and will accept staying with relatives only if they offer first (and we like them enough to accept and know it's not an imposition [e.g., no bed to give up but their own]).

Even if we like the hosts we sometimes will refuse; for example, if the host is a heavy smoker or if the stay will be a "quick hit" with us gone most of the time or coming and going at weird hours (plane arrival, etc.) or. Sometimes when the trip is tough it's nice to have a hotel room where you can spread out and not worry about when you run a shower or that you have to leave by 5 am or that this pair of introverts is not up to socializing in the few hours we have not accomplishing the purpose of the trip. ;)

When we stay with someone, we, honestly, expect little more than a bed and safety. We don't count on the presence of alarm clocks or outlets or WiFi or good pillows or food offered that we will eat. We ask about "house rules" which can be anything from "you're on your own for breakfast" to "we never open the backyard gate because Fido can get out". We clean up after ourselves, wiping the toothpaste spatter from the bathroom mirror when it lands. If we take something out, it goes back to where we found it. When we leave we ask what our hosts want done with bed linens and towels.

We ask if there's anything we can help them with while we're there. That might be computer help or answering some questions on sewing or providing some muscle for a project the hosts have coming up. We offer to help make dinner and we plan/offer to take the hosts out for dinner (or bring it in) at least every 2-3 days of a visit. Or sometimes we'll accompany them to the market and foot the bill. All depends on what works best for everyone.

And we make an effort to visit with our hosts. If they just wanted randos they'd set up an AirBnB; we assume we've been offered accommodation because they want to spend time with us, so we make the effort to chat after dinner or invite them to something we'd like to see in their area that maybe they haven't been to lately.

2. What do you wish your houseguests would follow? Need male input here as well please.

Really, if they could be the guests we are, that would be great! ;)

Seriously, we've set up a quadrant of our basement with a queen-sized bed, there is an additional sofa for the younger visitors, and there are linens, an empty dresser, an electric fireplace, a TV and a streaming device, and their own bathroom and access to the laundry room. The password for the WiFi guest account is printed on a little placard by the nightstand. Nothing was purchased for the purpose of making a guest room, but it gives guests a quiet, decently-appointed place to disappear when they want to and we can stay upstairs almost all of the time to give them some privacy.

We have a dog so we do ask them to be aware of her -- that she's here (in case they're allergic), that they close the door to the basement when they're not passing through it, that they don't feed her human food, etc.

My biggest peeve with visitors is when they are just not thinking. For a while, despite offering more than one open outlet on the very same wall, some guests insisted on unplugging the clock radio. They could have unplugged the air pump to the bed (rarely used if they even know it exists) or the nightstand lamp, if, in fact, they had to unplug anything at all. But by unplugging the clock radio, they left their hosts the task of plugging it back in and then resetting the time (by pressing the button a million times). Careless.

Ditto for leaving lights on all the time or leaving the fireplace to pump out heat while they are gone all day. We have one repeat guest who seems to wash laundry even if the load is just three items. I get traveling light and all that, but it probably will not set back the course of Western civilization to round up everything to be washed and to run one load -- or ask to join one of our loads. Save the fine-grained "this is dark green/this is light green/this is yellow" sorting for when you get back to your own laundry.

We like to have an idea of schedules -- theirs and ours. We don't need to know where they'll be at all times, but if, say, the guest is visiting friends and knows they're likely to be back late, a word about that is helpful. We might even give them a key during their visit so we don't have to wait up. If the guest has dietary restrictions, we'd like to know so we can at least try to accommodate them. We ask our guests what they'd like to do while they're here and let them know when we have activities (appointments, etc.) we can't or don't want to reschedule. Communication works!

We like our guests! They are hand-chosen, however, and not everyone gets in. And some folks who get an "okay" for a night or two may not get the okay to stay for a week. All depends on what life is like -- and on them.

Chicken lady
9-11-17, 4:46pm
They might unplug the clock radio because the light bothers them.

dh parents have a beautiful grandfather clock with a loud chime. It is at the opposite end of the house from their beds - directly under bil's. He stops it every night.

SteveinMN
9-11-17, 5:35pm
They might unplug the clock radio because the light bothers them.
Then turn it around on the nightstand. Or cover it with the bedding that's around. Or disconnect it and then they push the Set button a million times. This didn't happen just once.

I still think it's careless to make that the host's problem. (<== Yeah, this really pushes my [figurative] button.)

Geila
9-12-17, 5:38pm
I couldn't find the rant thread so this will have to do.

I am so pissed off at my husband right now. He decided to communicate my desire for limits on house guests as me having pathological issues and that "we are working on" my issues. He has also publicly accused me of pressuring him to cut off all contact with his family and friends.

So unless I agree to unlimited access to my home to unlimited numbers of people, I'm pathological. He's not interested in having a dialogue to reach a compromise.

I have to be very careful with this situation because I'm in danger of starting to believe him, blaming myself completely, and spinning into deep depression. It was already starting to happen. I had to intentionally call back my anger. And now I'm in tears.

I've made an appointment to talk to someone professional about this. My appt is on Friday afternoon. My challenge right now is to manage my emotional state so that I don't spin out of control.

herbgeek
9-12-17, 5:44pm
I'm in danger of starting to believe him, blaming myself completely, and spinning into deep depression.

Your husband is being completely ridiculous and seriously passive aggressive. He agrees to your face, then bad mouths you behind your back. What is he, 12?

I am really angry on your behalf.

Geila
9-12-17, 5:45pm
Your husband is being completely ridiculous and seriously passive aggressive. He agrees to your face, then bad mouths you behind your back. What is he, 12?

I am really angry on your behalf.

Thank you.

Lainey
9-12-17, 5:51pm
Thank you.

I agree with herbgeek. You are in the right here, do not let him bully you. It's your home too. I am so sorry you're being treated like this.

Geila
9-12-17, 5:57pm
I agree with herbgeek. You are in the right here, do not let him bully you. It's your home too. I am so sorry you're being treated like this.

Thank you Lainey.

catherine
9-12-17, 6:00pm
I'm sad to read this. He is being very unfair and uncompromising, not to mention ungrateful for your constant willingness to open your home to his family. Just because you need some "time off" from being the Open Door with all the cleaning, preparation and sacrificing of personal privacy that comes with it, he's calling you pathological? Maybe he should work on his issues of being a doormat for his family at the expense of the person who should be #1 in his life.

Many times when we stand up for ourselves, it takes people a while to adjust, and the "adjustment" is often unpleasant for us. But stand firm. I predict he'll come around.

Geila
9-12-17, 6:15pm
Thank you Catherine. I'm very sad as well. And hurt. I thought we always had each other's backs. And that we would always stand up for each other.

Chicken lady
9-12-17, 6:54pm
Geila, you are fine.

i would also be sad and hurt. But first I would be bat-sh*t crazy angry. That is a major violation of trust.

Mary B.
9-12-17, 7:18pm
Thank you Catherine. I'm very sad as well. And hurt. I thought we always had each other's backs. And that we would always stand up for each other.

Oh, Geila, your DH's behaviour seems entirely out of line to me. Really miserable. It is mean to say one thing to you and another to others -- immature, and mean, and a betrayal.

I'm so sorry you are having this experience. This kind of thing is really hard to go back from.

Yppej
9-12-17, 7:48pm
I am glad you are going to see a professional. I lived with a man once who kept inviting people over and I told him no. He did it again and I did not let the guest unpack.

Later he violated boundaries in other ways that were more serious.

SteveinMN
9-12-17, 7:51pm
Well, grown men behaving like 12-year-olds apparently is all the rage these days...

But Geila, your husband is out of line 1) to not consider with any seriousness your stake in having unlimited visitors; and 2) to claim something both of you agreed to is due to your "problem". Please don't be bullied. This houseguest issue is the kind of situation where both partners compromise for the good of the marriage. I'm not seeing compromise from his end if he's blaming you for what has to change.

Gardnr
9-12-17, 9:05pm
I am super laid back...make yourself at home and I really mean it.

I do ask food needs/preferences/allergies. I want to have foods around that are comforting for my guests.
If guests are not up and i'm hungry, I eat. When they get up, I offer beverage and let me know when you're hungry and I'll make you some chow.
After breakfast I'll ask "is there anything you'd like to do today?" Based on response and the time, I'll set a sort of meal schedule and the plan.
I'm happy to drive guests to see the sights. I'm happy to lounge around and chat/relax.
And I like to wash sheets prior to arrival not upon departure so I tell folks to leave it. When I'm a guest, I ask preference.

All plans are subject to change.

When I'm a guest, I follow ques......I will say "I get up super early. Can you show me where the coffee stuff is?" After that, I'm a follower. I'll offer to help if my host says they're going to start/do something.

As you can see, I'm not for rules. I want my guests to relax and rejuvinate and I like to do the same when I'm traveling.

razz
9-13-17, 6:57am
Gella, DH has no idea of what to say to his family so contrived something that made you the fall guy. He is not being evil but floundering because he has no skill set on how to approach this situation. A wise person would say, "I have no idea what I am going to say to everyone that have given me some sense of being important and valuable by having a place that they want to visit." He does not have that wisdom or confidence. The dynamics with family and friends is part of his life and the change is significant to him.

He is being insensitive and very inconsiderate of your needs and contributions to the family. That really really hurts. Being cast as the cause of change after agreeing to modify things is very hurtful. You are very wise to get some support on how to think this all through.

Your concerns are totally valid and need to be addressed. They will be addressed as you and DH work your way through all this. You are smart and capable and may need to bring him kicking and fighting to see that change is inevitable.

Another thought - is there a lot of change going on at his work that he is struggling with that will compromise his ability to cope with change at home?

iris lilies
9-13-17, 7:20am
Gella, DH has no idea of what to say to his family so contrived something that made you the fall guy. He is not being evil but floundering because he has no skill set on how to approach this situation. A wise person would say, "I have no idea what I am going to say to everyone that have given me some sense of being important and valuable by having a place that they want to visit." He does not have that wisdom or confidence. The dynamics with family and friends is part of his life and the change is significant to him.

He is being insensitive and very inconsiderate of your needs and contributions to the family. That really really hurts. Being cast as the cause of change after agreeing to modify things is very hurtful. You are very wise to get some support on how to think this all through.

Your concerns are totally valid and need to be addressed. They will be addressed as you and DH work your way through all this. You are smart and capable and may need to bring him kicking and fighting to see that change is inevitable.

Another thought - is there a lot of change going on at his work that he is struggling with that will compromise his ability to cope with change at home?

Brilliant!

iris lilies
9-13-17, 8:04am
We dont have a dedicated guest room. We have a nice bedroom and a not so nice bedroom, so we give ip the nice bedroom for guests. I dont mind at all since our guests stay only 2-3 nights.

I do try to keep a table cleared off, free of junk, because I know they will want to put down their stuff somewhere. There are also two chairs in the room where they can open suitcases.

JaneV2.0
9-13-17, 9:49am
I couldn't find the rant thread so this will have to do.

I am so pissed off at my husband right now. He decided to communicate my desire for limits on house guests as me having pathological issues and that "we are working on" my issues. He has also publicly accused me of pressuring him to cut off all contact with his family and friends.

So unless I agree to unlimited access to my home to unlimited numbers of people, I'm pathological. He's not interested in having a dialogue to reach a compromise.

...l.

Are these two different issues? Because as long as there are communications devices and motels, I don't see how "cutting off contact" applies.

Geila
9-13-17, 11:45am
Thanks for the support everyone. It has helped a great deal. I might come back later to address your latest comments, especially razz's excellent post.

Right now I'm feeling very discouraged. When I told dh how angry I was, he acted completely shocked. He claimed that he never intended to hurt me and didn't see how his actions and comments would be hurtful to me. He was simply being honest about the situation.

I don't know which is worse, passive aggressive behavior or that he genuinely believes that my need for boundaries is pathological. We are at opposite ends on this issue and I know from past experience that once he digs his heels on something, he will not change his mind. I don't know if marriage counseling would be helpful since he is convinced that I'm wrong and he's right. I really don't know what to do about any of this. I'm tired and I don't have the emotional energy to try to come up with solutions.

catherine
9-13-17, 11:53am
Next time he invites someone over, how about moving out temporarily? Let him experience the consequences.

I remember when I was planning my DH's 60th birthday at our home (he knew about it), I had a LOOONNGGG list of to-do's, and unfortunately, I was traveling up to that time on business. So I hired people--lawn mowers, handymen to fix minor things, caterers, tent suppliers, and cleaning people.

So it was the DAY BEFORE his party, and I called him from Newark Airport to see how things were going. He said, "well, I didn't think we'd need the cleaning people so I cancelled them." I went ballistic. And I said to him when I got home, "Interesting--you kept the people that would save YOU work (handyman, landscaper), but you CANCELLED the people that would save ME work. Why is that??" I was livid. Exhausted from working 60 hour weeks, planning this party, and then facing a sleepless night scrubbing and cleaning.

He apologized and called the cleaning people back. Sometimes you really have to call it out. I know you have in this case, but it seems he's not budging. An intermediary may help. Do you have any visitors on deck? Maybe just sit with this for a few days and see what happens.

razz
9-13-17, 12:10pm
Dear Gella, it is not up to you to find the solution. Neither of you is right or wrong. There is a difference in point of view and it is a matter of each of you realigning your thinking to find a meeting. You will but it will take some time. You have both invested some considerable time in the marriage which cannot remain static despite how much easier it might be. You are both living beings and will grow through this.

For you the status quo was reaching the unsustainable point. He had not reached that point because the stress was not on him.

Remember that we have three levels of intelligence - reptilian which is the fight/flight, the limbic which is the emotional and the neocortex which is the rational. Strong initial response is the basic reptilian, next is the limbic and only then does the rational neocortex come into play in most humans.
What really mucks it all up is that there is an amygdala attack when the limbic or emotional response is very strong which shuts off the neocortex or rational until the emotion calms down.
Step back from all of this and do some routine activities, get some support from a counsellor as you are doing and let yourself detach as much as you can. I know that this is easier said than done but try. You do have the right to initiate change when needed. Find the tools you need to make the changes you want to see in the way that works best for you. Be willing to be surprised at your discoveries.
You chose your partner for good reasons and have continued for good reasons. That does not mean staying static but being open to growth.
Hugs!!!!

iris lilies
9-13-17, 12:11pm
What catherine suggests is sort of my approach, as detailed above. Move out, let husband perform hosting duties.

Now that we are retired, I am chill about the calls that come out of the blue "Attention!
Swiss relatives arriving in two days! " with no ability on my part to say "no." But that hasnt always been the case.


During my last year of work, in a super busy and stress filled time, we got one of these calls. I told DH "they cant stay here" because our house was filthy. He didnt tell them to go elsewhere, and so I told him "you are cleaning this house from top to bottom, I am completely out of this event" and I actually do not remember what happened. That's because I removed myself from the situation, and while I would have been unhappy for someone to stay in our truly dirty house, I didnt control the house, so I let it go mentally. I either stayed at my friend's house or they didnt come after all, I dont remember! Haha. This may be the time that two young men didnt show up or even call us to say they would not be coming after all. Hmmm, that didnt make me happy, either.

I want to emphasize that all our Swiss relatives are always VERY generous in hosting us Americans. So, I dont feel put upon or used, we have reciprocal experiences.

Tammy
9-14-17, 12:55am
Plan A - he keeps his promise to you of no visitors for a year

Plan B - he doesn't keep his promise, but you don't do anything with the visits except smile and nod and leave for your own appointments that you've made throughout the entire time of the visits.

You can't control his thoughts or feelings about the situation. You can only control your reaction to the situation.

Tybee
9-14-17, 6:41am
Just got back from visiting relatives, including new granddaughter, and being the houseguest. What seemed to work:
I try to buy groceries, pitching in when we go to the store-- so probably paid for 120 dollars of groceries over the week.
Bought things like coffee and lunches for son and granddaughter.
Bought some clothes for granddaughters, noting what their mom needed and wanted, rather than just arriving with clothes.
Babysat.
Spent lots of time with older granddaughter so mom could sleep.
Kept room straight at all times as it is on main floor of houseand who wants to look at a messy room?
Had shower super early before others were up (it is one bathroom house.)
Cleaned up kitchen a lot.

They were really sweet and grateful for the help
They drove me around, provided meals, offered to cook breakfast, we all kind of made our own lunches. They wanted me to stay longer, but had to get back home.

Went to brother;s house, and they provided meals, guest room, even a ferry ticket. They are very sweet hosts and extremely thoughtful people and actually wanted me to stay longer too. But the really love company and live in an very scenic place, so they seem to enjoy it, and are retired or self employed, so the scheduling is not a problem for them. They are much more extroverted than I, and I would find that kind of company tiring and too much, but they really seem to thrive on guest visits.

I kept thinking about this thread and making sure I was not being obtrusive--it's a good thread, to try to lay out what works for both sides and what becomes a burden.
My only problem was the trip felt too long to me--gone almost a week, and would have preferred to be there only three days but they all wanted longer. Next time I may stick to my three day rule, as it's just a long time to be gone.

iris lilies
9-14-17, 7:05am
Tybee, how nice that you have a new grandaughter!!

catherine
9-14-17, 7:16am
Tybee, how nice that you have a new grandaughter!!

Yes, I agree!! And I sure wish I had a MIL like you when I had my kids!

Tybee
9-14-17, 9:01am
Thanks, guys, she is a little beauty, and a really, really, really easy baby. Catherine, I had a really nice MIL so maybe I am channeling her--she was so thrilled to be with her grandchildren, and so sweet to us.
Oh--a house guest item I just thought of--they had an in-fan window so you really couldregulate the temp of the room while you were sleeping, and extra blankets around, and the fan also meant you could "white noise" for things like babies crying--I actually never heard anything, although they said they were up a LOT during the night. So a fan in the room would be cool for guests.

Geila
9-18-17, 11:52am
Update: things have calmed down over here and I wanted to give an update since you guys were so helpful to me last week when I was freaking out.

Let's see. Two things were very helpful: I was able to maintain emotional boundaries around myself. Ie, I was able to separate myself from dh. I did not let his feelings/actions/beliefs cancel or overrule my own. And I was able to respect my reality. Second, I was able to feel compassion for dh's feelings of fear. For whatever reason, he sees setting boundaries as a threat to his relationships. I felt bad for him, and was able to remain emotionally separate from both his fear and his actions as a result of that fear. And, I was able to communicate all of this to dh without becoming emotionally reactive. I was also able to stand up for myself regarding claims that dh made about me. Wherever they originated from (whether fear or anger), I was able to reject them and affirm my right to set boundaries in my home.

This happened last week, I think on Thursday, and we were able to have a good conversation about everything. He is going to try to honor the one year break from visitors but admitted that it will be very hard. We agreed that his visitors will be his responsibility.

I ended up cancelling the therapy appointment since we had resolved everything by then.

Gosh, I thought I had lots to say on this but now can't think of anything!

I want to thank you guys again for helping me through this. You guys made a huge difference.

razz
9-18-17, 3:20pm
It is a big change that is evolving and will take time and reinforcing to find the ultimate solution so hang in there.

Teacher Terry
9-18-17, 7:12pm
I just got back from a 1- day vacation and saw this thread. It is so interesting. WE invite people to stay with us and tell family/good friends if they ever want to come just ask. We make meals, take them to the sights, have a guest room ready, etc. I always buy plenty of snacks etc and tell them to feel free to help themselves if they get up before I do. We get up around 7:30. When I am a guest I always take the host to a nice restaurant to eat, keep my stuff picked up and let them know when I will be gone so they don't prepare a meal for me if I will not be there. I offer to help and then do as they ask. I like to host people but I have not ever had someone use me and not be a really good friend or close family member. 2 years ago I hosted my 4 friends from HS with their spouses and we had a blast. Everyone pitched in and helped so it was not a big deal at all. Good thing we had our RV for one bedroom. 2 couples stayed at a hotel as we could only fit 2 couples here.

Geila
9-19-17, 11:43am
It is a big change that is evolving and will take time and reinforcing to find the ultimate solution so hang in there.

You're right, it is a big change and I'm sure it will be difficult to make permanent changes.

Over the weekend, dh's friend Jerry came in to town for a work thing. Dh told him he would not be able to stay here and he booked a room through Airbnb for $70. Dh met him for dinner and they spent a few hours visiting (and probably psychoanalyzing me). The next day, Jerry had his work thing for a couple of hours and then drove home. In the past, Jerry would have stayed with us, he would have brought his girlfriend along, they would have extended the trip into 3-4 days, and we would have fed them the whole time. I would have been washing sheets, buying food, cleaning up after meals, making sure to stay home because of the dogs, etc.... The extra work and toll of being "on" and a good hostess for that length of time would have left me exhausted and resentful. As it was, Jerry's visit had zero impact on my life! Yay!

I'm not sure how DH feels about the whole thing - he says he's fine with it but now I take his words with a grain of salt. But, this is definitely a step in the right direction.

frugal-one
9-19-17, 3:11pm
You're right, it is a big change and I'm sure it will be difficult to make permanent changes.

Over the weekend, dh's friend Jerry came in to town for a work thing. Dh told him he would not be able to stay here and he booked a room through Airbnb for $70. Dh met him for dinner and they spent a few hours visiting (and probably psychoanalyzing me). The next day, Jerry had his work thing for a couple of hours and then drove home. In the past, Jerry would have stayed with us, he would have brought his girlfriend along, they would have extended the trip into 3-4 days, and we would have fed them the whole time. I would have been washing sheets, buying food, cleaning up after meals, making sure to stay home because of the dogs, etc.... The extra work and toll of being "on" and a good hostess for that length of time would have left me exhausted and resentful. As it was, Jerry's visit had zero impact on my life! Yay!

I'm not sure how DH feels about the whole thing - he says he's fine with it but now I take his words with a grain of salt. But, this is definitely a step in the right direction.

Door mat days are over!!! Yay!

Lainey
9-20-17, 10:19am
Geila,
I forgot, but maybe you mentioned this - do you live in a popular tourist type area? Just wondering if that's another reason for the constant stream of visitors.
I imagine anyone in those areas is constantly getting called with requests to visit.

Geila
9-20-17, 11:46am
Geila,
I forgot, but maybe you mentioned this - do you live in a popular tourist type area?.

Yes, we do. And it's becoming even more popular.

Years ago dh had a job offer in San Diego and we were seriously considering it and every time we told someone, we got the same response, "Great! I love San Diego and now I'll have somewhere to stay for free!"