View Full Version : I am "seriously" dating someone...
Ultralight
9-11-17, 7:37am
Welp... I am seriously dating someone. And I'd like your thoughts on the situation.
She lives in IL, two states away. We talked on the phone and skyped for some time before we met.
She is 32, has a BS in Athletic Training and an MS in Sports Management. She is a Senior Adviser for students at a university and a part-time gymnastics coach.
We met for the first time in August. I flew her to Columbus. She stayed for a long weekend (3 days). We went to a concert in the park, did yoga at a nearby studio, went to a brunch place, strolled The Short North, I took her to a favorite Indian restaurant, and other dates.
Then over Labor Day weekend she drove here to Columbus (6.5 hours) to stay for another long weekend. Again, we went on some dates -- canoeing on a lazy river, to see a movie, a walk around a favorite lake of mine, and so forth.
She seems to really like me.
The problem is that we really have nothing in common. And by nothing in common I mean we don't have anything we both love to do. What we do together are merely amusements -- like a concert in the park or seeing a movie.
She would like to have kids but has said she'd give up on that if it meant she could secure a life partner.
She is quite Christian; I am an anti-theist.
She loves sports of all kinds. I think they are usually boring and even problematic, something to keep the little people distracted.
She drinks -- wine and beer mostly. I am teetotal and frown upon alcohol use.
Those are the big issues...
Thoughts thus far?
The religious issues alone might be enough to deep six it.
I don't know how a relationship not based on common interests could last. I've tried to date guys I had nothing in common with in the past, but they never worked. The happiest couples I know have activities and interests in common. Everything from scuba diving to hiking and other outdoor stuff.
Chicken lady
9-11-17, 8:12am
My thoughts? "Why do you do this to yourself?"
i don't know UL. My kids say "mom and Dad don't like any of the same things, but mom likes dad and dad likes mom, so it works." But we wanted a similar lifestyle, we both wanted kids, we do enjoy doing some things together although generally one of us us really into it and the other just likes it fine and is enjoying being with the other person.
we agree (more or less) on religion, we have compatible approaches to money, the sex is great. Those (and kids) are usually the big 4. We both drink moderately. I'm a vegetarian. He's definitely not. I'm a hoarder, he is just outside of minimalist. I've nudged him toward eating less meat, he gas nudged me toward keeping less stuff. Slowly. Over 27 years.
She seems to really like me.
And what about you: do you really like her?
I think Tradd is right that there are a few concerns about having nothing a common, particularly the religion thing...
...you are slightly biased against sports, and that's her livelihood
...she has a strong orientation towards religious faith and you have a strong orientation against it
...she drinks and you intentionally do not.
...there is geographical hurdle. How long are you guys going to spend time and money seeing each other so you can figure out benign amusements while avoiding what you both REALLY want to do?
...she wants kids but said she'd reconsider for a life partner... yikes. That sounds like a big compromise, especially given the other concerns.
Unless you guys are REALLY free birds and would feel comfortable with each of you being able to spend a lot of time on your own thing--you fish while she goes to church on Sunday; you stay home and read a book while she goes to a football game--I'm not sure if that relationship is sustainable.
Ultralight
9-11-17, 8:18am
It is very difficult to find a woman that I have any kind of deep connection with.
It is very difficult to find a woman that I have any kind of deep connection with.
Do you feel a deep connection with her?
iris lilies
9-11-17, 8:44am
Funny, in opposition to opinions here, I do not think religion is all that important, especially if you arent going to reproduce.
I am not a believer. DH doesnt practice his childhood Catholic religion, but when I check in with him periodically about his beliefs, he is still into the God in the Sky thing. That is fine with me, I dont care what he believes.
We are both extremely domestic in that putting down roots is important. Home and hearth, important. Neighborhood, important. But also, he is always ready to travel. I am the same way.
Why think so much about the long term? Why not just let it unfold over time into what it will be?
I just wonder if you can go long term while truly accepting the differences, i think there is a point where you acgually need to see value in what that other person likes or does even if it is not your thing.
Funny, in opposition to opinions here, I do not think religion is all that important, especially if you arent going to reproduce.
I am not a believer. DH doesnt practice his childhood Catholic religion, but when I check in with him periodically about his beliefs, he is still into the God in the Sky thing. That is fine with me, I dont care what he believes.
We are both extremely domestic in that putting down roots is important. Home and hearth, important. Neighborhood, important. But also, he is always ready to travel. I am the same way.
I think it's possible for a non-believer and a non-practicing believer to co-exist. But when they push the boundaries into anti-believer and practicing believer, that can be different.
But I do believe that shared values are more important than shared interests.
And I agree with Tammy. You don't make up your mind yet as to whether she is a life partner or just someone you are currently enjoying spending time with.
Ok, going to ask... why can't you just enjoy a friendship? Why does it have to be such a long-term thing? If she wants a family, yes, you are probably not the right person to date but can't you help each other find out what is important and grow from there?
It is very difficult to find a woman that I have any kind of deep connection with.
Maybe you need to continue to work on you for awhile.
I find it interesting that some times those without any faith are the ones that struggle the most with questions about themselves and relating to others.
Relationships are about giving...not just taking. There isn't a check list to mark off. I'm not sure you seem that willing to give.
I have a husband with pretty high expectations of people in general. I'm all the time telling him he's got to lower his expectations. There is no way the whole population can meet his expectations.
Maybe you are the kind of guy who wants to be available when you want to be available and solo the rest of the time.
I do have to add that if she is Christian and reads the bible, it does tell us not to be unequally yoked. It can be a struggle for a christian to be married to a person of a different faith or without faith. If Faith is part of her core existence. Do you really want to rattle her core? Maybe the biggest gift you could give her in her journey of life is to release her to follow her path and her interests.
UL, I'm happy to hear you're in a relationship you're enjoying.
But I think Tammy is on track here. It's been just weeks since the two of you met. Does either one of you need to commit to any more at this point than dating only each other till you see how the relationship turns out? Are either one of you the kind of person that just knows right away they've met The One?
There must be some things you two see in each other. It does not have to be activities (bicycling or opera or board games with friends). It could be, as IL impiies, values, like both of you being really into minimalism or being citizens of the world or wanting to establish deep roots in a community. It's also possible that you two have yet to discover what you'll enjoy doing with each other -- maybe you'll try something new and both of you will fall in love with it. Right now I'd go with the flow of the relationship. Even if things don't pan out after a year or longer, you both have learned more about yourselves and that can only be a good thing.
I would, however, add that the distance between is significant. My first wife and I dated long-distance and spent holiday weekends with each other. The weekends were almost-nonstop times filled with activities -- lots of fun but nothing much like real life. We can all be on our best behavior for 72 hours and push aside the things we don't like to do but have to do. IMHO without much more contact than you have now you really miss out on what your date really is like and you don't get many opportunities to see how she express es her values throughout her days (vice versa, of course). That can change with time, too, of course. But right now I'd say forge ahead and see where you two go. What do you have to lose by exploring?
Chicken lady
9-11-17, 4:22pm
I have thought about this some more (while I was picking up tickets for an antique tractor show I have no interest in - but hey, the weather will be nice, my "date" will be happy, and I get to surprise him. I will probably have a good time.)
i don't think you can respect her beliefs. By which I don't mean "refrain from trying to change" I mean, the fact that she truly believes in the precepts of Christianity is likely to undermine your respect for her intellect. And I think you will feel something on the condescension-to-contempt scale every time she drinks. And I doubt you can hide either of those things long term. So how do you feel about dating someone who has low enough self respect to accept that from a partner? (Or perhaps she will quit drinking, but I doubt she will lose her religion at 32.)
see, I think you are one of those people who scopes out a situation and makes a decision really fast. And I think you knew what it was when you asked, but this girl seems to like you, and you want to enjoy that. So if you are asking "is it ok if I just keep enjoying that until she stops liking me or I stop enjoying it?" Yup. It is.
but if you are still looking for a life partner, it is also ok to keep looking. Just don't lie to this one.
ApatheticNoMore
9-11-17, 4:46pm
what is it with you and incompatible partners? she sound incompatible in the same ways your last gf was, now I'm not saying she IS your last gf, she could be completely different (and better for you of course) in 100 ways you have not listed but ...
Shared activities is definitely not the most important thing, but it seems like there may be more to it than that.
Ultralight
9-11-17, 5:03pm
Do you feel a deep connection with her?
No, and that was kind of my point.
Ultralight
9-11-17, 5:05pm
And I agree with Tammy. You don't make up your mind yet as to whether she is a life partner or just someone you are currently enjoying spending time with.
She is a 32 year old woman in the US. She would not be happy if I just "currently enjoyed spending time with her."
Ultralight
9-11-17, 5:08pm
Ok, going to ask... why can't you just enjoy a friendship? Why does it have to be such a long-term thing? If she wants a family, yes, you are probably not the right person to date but can't you help each other find out what is important and grow from there?
She wants a long term relationship. She is a 32 year old woman. Every passing day for her makes it less and less likely that she will ever get married.
Ultralight
9-11-17, 5:11pm
what is it with you and incompatible partners? Christian black women love me!
And like David Lee Roth once said: "I don't get the women I want, I get the women that want me."
And like David Lee Roth once said: "I don't get the women I want, I get the women that want me."
You want the women who want you. Trying to do it the other way doesn’t usually end well for either partner.
I think the direction here is clear. If she wants an LTR and you're not feeling it, either she has to wait until you get there (if you ever do) or she has to be free to pursue someone else. Time for a long conversation, preferably in person.
She wants a long term relationship. She is a 32 year old woman. Every passing day for her makes it less and less likely that she will ever get married.
Because women are all alike, interchangeable, and uniformly desperate.
Ultralight
9-11-17, 6:05pm
Because women are all alike, interchangeable, and uniformly desperate.
All women? What the heck are you talking about?
Chicken lady
9-11-17, 7:00pm
That is basically what you said. That you can define her relationship goals (meet and marry asap) simply by knowing her age, gender, and nationality.
so I guess you said all American women are alike, interchangeable, and after a certain age, uniformly desperate.
What do you mean by serious? You've met her twice and say you don't feel a deep connection to her.
I was thinking the same thing. To me serious means that you've been dating for a while (not less than a month) and have such a strong connection that you are both serious about your relationship and each other. It sounds to me like you're just simply dating.
But dude, why do you keep wasting your time with women you KNOW you won't be happy with? And it seems deceptive to the women as well. Do you share how much of their beliefs and lifestyle you find objectionable?
My thought is that you do it to avoid real intimacy with someone you could be close to.
By the way, fear of intimacy is a real thing. Many of us have it. It's scary to be vulnerable. But so lonely to be closed off. At some point you'll decide if it's worth it to risk real intimacy. Or not.
Stop wasting her time and let her go.
Stop wasting her time and let her go.
+1
iris lilies
9-12-17, 6:23am
Stop wasting her time and let her go.
I dont know, if UL is upfront about NO KIDS, and if she isnt really very religious, and if she gives no fooks about his tightassed opinion on drinking alcohol, then--it might be ok for a while. It all depends on how well she knows herself and how important these conflicts are to her.
I wouldnt assume that a 32 year old Illinois woman cannot look oit for herself.
What are you prepared to give to any partner of your thoughts, feelings and actions,UL? Define what you will give and then what you want from a lifetime companion, demonstrate it in your life and then go looking.
iris lilies
9-12-17, 7:02am
She is a 32 year old woman in the US. She would not be happy if I just "currently enjoyed spending time with her."
For me, the long distance would be a deal breaker. There is no casual time spent together because each "date" lasts days.
That actually gives me the creeps, too much togetherness with strangers.
Ultralight
9-12-17, 7:04am
That is basically what you said. That you can define her relationship goals (meet and marry asap) simply by knowing her age, gender, and nationality.
so I guess you said all American women are alike, interchangeable, and after a certain age, uniformly desperate.
Nope, not what I said. You are clearly making things up.
Ultralight
9-12-17, 7:06am
I was thinking the same thing. To me serious means that you've been dating for a while (not less than a month) and have such a strong connection that you are both serious about your relationship and each other. It sounds to me like you're just simply dating.
But dude, why do you keep wasting your time with women you KNOW you won't be happy with? And it seems deceptive to the women as well. Do you share how much of their beliefs and lifestyle you find objectionable?
My thought is that you do it to avoid real intimacy with someone you could be close to.
By the way, fear of intimacy is a real thing. Many of us have it. It's scary to be vulnerable. But so lonely to be closed off. At some point you'll decide if it's worth it to risk real intimacy. Or not.
I am very clear and open about being an atheist (I use both atheist and anti-theist to describe myself). I am also open about my criticisms of sports in American culture. I note openly how much I frown upon alcohol use. I am truthful and forthright.
Ultralight
9-12-17, 7:07am
Stop wasting her time and let her go.
Uh... she is a free person; I respect her freedom. She can go anytime she wants.
Ultralight
9-12-17, 7:09am
I dont know, if UL is upfront about NO KIDS, and if she isnt really very religious, and if she gives no fooks about his tightassed opinion on drinking alcohol, then--it might be ok for a while. It all depends on how well she knows herself and how important these conflicts are to her.
I wouldnt assume that a 32 year old Illinois woman cannot look oit for herself.
I am upfront about my desire to remain child-free. She said, as I noted before, that she is willing to forgo having kids so that she can have a life partner. She has said: "A life partner is more important to me than having kids." She has also said: "I have no desire to be a single mom. Many women think they are trapping men when they do that but they are really just trapping themselves."
Chicken lady
9-12-17, 7:21am
I cannot do the quote thing, but when you say things like the statements quoted by Jane and Iris lilies on the last page - that is EXACTLY what at least two women here heard.
Maybe not what you meant. But if you are not using "she is a 32 y.o. Womán" as shorthand for something, why mention it at all in that context? It is not an answer to anything except "what is her age and gender?" Nobody asked that. And you weren't telling us that because you already had. You were explaining why an extended casual relationship was not on the table.
so if you are not reducing her to a stereotype, what you need to say is "she really wants to get married, and feels like at 32 her chances of that get smaller every day, so she doesn't want to waste time on a relationship that isn't headed in that direction." And you need to actually know that based on conversation with her.
It just sounds like you don't know her that well yet, which is expected. Even though dates have been over several days se are all on out best behavior at the beginning.
However I don't see anything wrong if you are enjoying your time together to see where it goes
Ultralight
9-12-17, 7:30am
I cannot do the quote thing, but when you say things like the statements quoted by Jane and Iris lilies on the last page - that is EXACTLY what at least two women here heard.
Maybe not what you meant. But if you are not using "she is a 32 y.o. Womán" as shorthand for something, why mention it at all in that context? It is not an answer to anything except "what is her age and gender?" Nobody asked that. And you weren't telling us that because you already had. You were explaining why an extended casual relationship was not on the table.
so if you are not reducing her to a stereotype, what you need to say is "she really wants to get married, and feels like at 32 her chances of that get smaller every day, so she doesn't want to waste time on a relationship that isn't headed in that direction." And you need to actually know that based on conversation with her.
Most American women in their early 30s don't want to get married and have kids? Ooooookay! Sure.
Ultralight
9-12-17, 7:32am
Americans are generally ignorant about the War of 1812.
Uh-oh! Look out! UL is saying every single American is exactly the same!
Chicken lady
9-12-17, 7:39am
According to the u.s. Census of 2014, almost half of American women age 15-44 were childless. I would think that as you approach the upper end of that age range a higher percentage of them would be childless by choice. So I suppose it depends on your definition of "most".
but even if I concede "most" American women over 30 want children." (and more than half of those already have them, so really, what percentage of the rest want them?)
that has nothing to do with your new gf desire to get married. We know she wants children. She knows you don't. Why would she be in a hurry to marry you? Better from my pov to date you while looking for something better.
Ultralight
9-12-17, 7:44am
According to the u.s. Census of 2014, almost half of American women age 15-44 were childless. I would think that as you approach the upper end of that age range a higher percentage of them would be childless by choice. So I suppose it depends on your definition of "most".
but even if I concede "most" American women over 30 want children." (and more than half of those already have them, so really, what percentage of the rest want them?)
that has nothing to do with your new gf desire to get married. We know she wants children. She knows you don't. Why would she be in a hurry to marry you? Better from my pov to date you while looking for something better.
My advice to you is ask around. Collect opinions. ;)
She may be dating me while looking for something better.
But give this a read:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/11/all-the-single-ladies/308654/
Ultralight
9-12-17, 7:51am
Okay, to get back on topic.
I talked with W last night on the phone (we talk on the phone or skype daily).
I explained to her that I thought our major lifestyle differences were a concern.
I even said things you all pointed out -- like would I be out fishing while she was at the football game or would I be reading a book at home while she is out drankin' with her gal pals?
I pointed out how some of the best and happiest couples I know share one or two (or even three) passions. I know a couple who loves gardening together. I know another couple that loves bicycling; it really bonds them! I know another couple that loves skydiving.
I explained to her that we get along on the day-to-day things -- making breakfast, choosing a movie to watch, which park to take our walk in the evening, etc. I also explained we seem to have an excellent "physical" connection. But I noted we were missing a passion we're both really into, a shared deeply-held interest or activity, the kind of thing that deeply bonds a couple together.
She said: "I am shocked. I am just shocked. I thought things were going really well. We get along great, we enjoy each other's company, we have lots of fun together. I thought we were going the right direction at a steady pace. Now I find out that we're just enjoying mere amusements together, in your opinion."
Hmmm.. so to what do you attribute that disconnect? She seems to be quite happy; you clearly are at least questioning. How did you leave it?
On the topic of The Atlantic article, that was very interesting, and I've observed similar patterns in my own kids' lives. My DD is rudderless in relationships--she just goes from one to the other, and maybe two at the same time (with mutual consent) and none of the guys have checked off all the boxes for a life partner. Nobody has made her fall head over heels. She's dated artists, drummers, journalists, architects, linguists, tattoo artists, and DJs. I must say, they are the ones who are thinking 'life partner' with her, but she'll have none of it.
Is it realistic to assume that all the boxes have to be checked? At 32, she has expressed that MAYBE it's time to start thinking about a life partner. Her best friend, a single mother, has convinced her that being a parent is not all it's cracked up to be, so she may decide kids are not for her. Even with this latest BF that I referred to in another post, she's already getting a little tired of commuting 4 hours to see him and she's going to go on a little break, although she says "He'd see me every weekend if I let him."
I don't judge her at all. She's living a life of her own choosing and I applaud her for that. But I'm amazed at how the woman's movement my generation kicked off has caused tidal shifts in womens' approach to relationships.
Thanks for sharing the article. I may send it to her, just for a springboard for discussion. I think she'd find a lot of common ground with the author.
Ultralight
9-12-17, 8:23am
Hmmm.. so to what do you attribute that disconnect? She seems to be quite happy; you clearly are at least questioning. How did you leave it?
On the topic of The Atlantic article, that was very interesting, and I've observed similar patterns in my own kids' lives. My DD is rudderless in relationships--she just goes from one to the other, and maybe two at the same time (with mutual consent) and none of the guys have checked off all the boxes for a life partner. Nobody has made her fall head over heels. She's dated artists, drummers, journalists, architects, linguists, tattoo artists, and DJs. I must say, they are the ones who are thinking 'life partner' with her, but she'll have none of it.
Is it realistic to assume that all the boxes have to be checked? At 32, she has expressed that MAYBE it's time to start thinking about a life partner. Her best friend, a single mother, has convinced her that being a parent is not all it's cracked up to be, so she may decide kids are not for her. Even with this latest BF that I referred to in another post, she's already getting a little tired of commuting 4 hours to see him and she's going to go on a little break, although she says "He'd see me every weekend if I let him."
I don't judge her at all. She's living a life of her own choosing and I applaud her for that. But I'm amazed at how the woman's movement my generation kicked off has caused tidal shifts in womens' approach to relationships.
Thanks for sharing the article. I may send it to her, just for a springboard for discussion. I think she'd find a lot of common ground with the author.
W said this too: "Maybe I am just not that passionate about anything. That is probably true for most people, they are not passionate about anything. So what you call 'surface level' connection is more than enough, along with a physical connection. You're probably the odd one for being passionate and wanting to share that with someone else."
Also: Interesting stuff about your daughter. Do you think she might change her mind when she is in her 40s and lonesome with far fewer prospects?
As for W, she realized about 3 or 4 years ago that going from guy to guy was not fulfilling her. So she essentially stopped dating for the most part, and recently decided to start dating men very different than the ones shed usually date. She had been "off the market" for two solid years before she started dating me.
She has said: "I don't want to grow old alone and then die alone."
But I noted we were missing a passion we're both really into, a shared deeply-held interest or activity, the kind of thing that deeply bonds a couple together.
I see this as a false premise. My husband and I have shared values, but not a huge amount of shared interests. We may do things the other likes, but we don't share the same amount of passion about it. When we travel, we get hints or outright comments from people thinking we must be having an affair, as no one who has been married as long as we have (32 years) looks that happy together.
You also have said you don't have a deep passion for anything at the moment. If you aren't passionate about anything, how would you expect to share that?
I do think kindness and respect are fundamental however, and your contempt for folks who drink or have a religious component doesn't bode well for LTR with those folks. Live and let live would be ok, but not contempt. That's not respectful.
Also: Interesting stuff about your daughter. Do you think she might change her mind when she is in her 40s and lonesome with far fewer prospects?
I think the analogy with her might be the same way I look at my freelance business. I realize that eventually it will dry up but I'm happy now, so why think about it? She may be a happy "freelancer" in relationships. Maybe she'll be sideswiped by an unexpected drought in men later on, but I don't think she's projecting any fears about living alone.
As for your situation, if you have an easy, if not earthshaking, connection and a chemistry that's working right now, why not ride it out for a little bit? Ask yourself if you are hoping that SHE injects "passion" in your life. Sounds like she would not be the one to harbor high expectations. Plain old comfort with a human being is a wonderful thing to have, especially as you "mature."
I think you're looking for a lot of meaning in this relationship, UL, and she just has this relationship as one part of her larger life. Hence, her surprise at your deep analysis of what you consider a shallow relationship. I think you're looking for too much not only in this relationship, but in all areas of life. Most of life is not deep, but rather it is just life. Fluff is OK.
The religious issues alone might be enough to deep six it.
I don't know how a relationship not based on common interests could last. I've tried to date guys I had nothing in common with in the past, but they never worked. The happiest couples I know have activities and interests in common. Everything from scuba diving to hiking and other outdoor stuff.
I'm not sure I agree; my SO and I both like cats and spicy food. We speak Spanish. That's about it. .Most of the couples I know don't have many interests in common, though most of them have values in common, which could (but don't) involve religion. My grandmother was the next thing to a nun, and my grandfather thought Sunday was a grand day for golf. Genuinely liking and respecting each other, having common values, and being able to laugh together (or not laugh together if they're the humorless type) seem to be key--just being happy with each others' company.
That having been said, I don't hold out much hope for Ultralight's current entanglement, where he openly disdains everything she values while being generally indifferent to her, overall. If she's looking for a life partner, I think she should continue her search.
Chicken lady
9-12-17, 9:47am
I think she's right that you are unusual in the "shared passion" thing. I know very few long term married couples who have a "shared passion" that isn't their children. Things they really both enjoy doing together, yes, but you'd probably consider most of those things "fluff" I know one woman who does marathons and triathlons and ironman competitions with her husband, and training is a big part of their lives - maybe that would qualify? but even there, he is not in her league.
the majority of American relationships seem to rise or fall on sex and money, kids and religion. And "lifestyle compatibility" but aside from how much time you want to spend together, where you live, and travel or don't, stay in or go out, "lifestyle" is mostly money/sex/kids/religion. Even those 4 tie back to the big 4. Maybe pets. Pets might be a big one. Does she love Harlan?
also, I strongly agree with jane's last paragraph.
I'm reading a book now where elders share their wisdom on various topics - one of them being marriage. Of course, the cultural times they grew up in were different but some things make sense. In their experience, to have a lifetime partnership with another human - you share core values and maybe some interests but mostly values. You must be best friends and partners. You must be a team with each giving 100%. You must wake in the morning and think "what can I do to make my partner's life a little better today." Seems like one of the issues for younger folks wanting to partner today is that they are in it for what makes themselves feel good over anything else. There is no perfect but growing old with your best friend is pretty hard to beat.
catherine
9-12-17, 12:31pm
I swear the AI of Facebook seems extremely spooky!! There are so many coincidences of things that wind up on my feed that just happen to be things I've just thought about.
Look what just popped upon my FB feed: 3 Things to Watch Out for When You're Trying to Pick the Right Life Partner
http://www.upworthy.com/3-things-to-watch-out-for-when-youre-trying-to-pick-the-right-life-partner?c=ufb9
Here's Part 2: https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner-part-2.html
I like the Traffic Test: A good relationship is one which, when you are driving them home, you are rooting for more traffic because you're enjoying their company.
ApatheticNoMore
9-12-17, 12:45pm
But give this a read:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine...ladies/308654/
ridiculous, I mean not many people want a deadbeat if that is strictly defined as someone who can't hold any job long, and maybe still lives with his mom, especially if one isn't any such deadbeat oneself but knows how to hold a job and earn a living.
Anyone who is that concerned they won't get married at 32 is probably a bit neurotic frankly*. Ok it may be better to have a child younger but that's a bit of a separate issue.
* or it might be cultural, perhaps there are parts of the country where this is more true, rather than just seeming rather ridiculous ...
Part 2 is especially interesting. I go for a really comfortable and good friendship every time when considering what should be important in choosing a partner. That is what I need and what I am offering beyond all other factors.
Part 2 is especially interesting. I go for a really comfortable and good friendship every time when considering what should be important in choosing a partner. That is what I need and what I am offering beyond all other factors.
Me, too!! Maybe that's why my favorite rom-com is When Harry Met Sally. Nothing more romantic than good friends realizing they have "something more."
ridiculous, I mean not many people want a deadbeat if that is strictly defined as someone who can't hold any job long, and maybe still lives with his mom, especially if one isn't any such deadbeat oneself but knows how to hold a job and earn a living.
Anyone who is that concerned they won't get married at 32 is probably a bit neurotic frankly*. Ok it may be better to have a child younger but that's a bit of a separate issue.
* or it might be cultural, perhaps there are parts of the country where this is more true, rather than just seeming rather ridiculous ...
True. Depends on what you mean by deadbeat, but there are a lot of charming deadbeats. That's how they get away with it. And there are a lot of people swept away by charm. And maybe more people than you realize who don't mind a deadbeat because they provide good companionship, and the non-deadbeat might be financially independent. And is a male deadbeat any different than a female deadbeat?
UL.........I haven't read all the responses, but just wanted to add my 2 cents. I think when we first start dating someone, we try to minimize the differences. And to be blunt, I think sex clouds our judgement many times and we sort of like the relationship for that. And, if we've been lonely, it fills a big void......even if it's far from perfect. But in my experience, those little differences in the beginning end up being BIG differences later......and deal breakers. Some of those endearing things even turn out to drive us crazy later.
I say be careful....
iris lilies
9-13-17, 2:02pm
I think it's possible for a non-believer and a non-practicing believer to co-exist. But when they push the boundaries into anti-believer and practicing believer, that can be different.
But I do believe that shared values are more important than shared interests.
And I agree with Tammy. You don't make up your mind yet as to whether she is a life partner or just someone you are currently enjoying spending time with.
Just musing here. I wonder if a stongly practicing believer might be less respectiful of his non-practicing believer SO than I as a non-believer might be? I suppose it depends on their values. If "practice your beliefs" is a strong value held by both of them, the practicing spouse might lose respect for the non-practicing spouse.
I agree about values vs shared interests being more important.
A shared value might be "make the most of your life with frugal hobbies that entertain you and improve your homestead as well." Two spouses sharing this value might each do one of these: fish, hunt, sew, cook, work with wood, fix up automobiles, garden for flowers, garden for vegetables, make mead, fell timber for firewood. The other spouse might do none of them, but might well approve of these activities as part of their core values. So these partners would not share hands on interests but would not be opposed to the interests, either.
My first BF, 26 years ago, was a strongly practicing believer. In fact he was a church organist by profession. When he learned that I was an atheist he was both heartbroken and incredibly depressed for weeks, and never entirely got comfortable with my atheism. He pictured himself dying and going to heaven and me, well... not. * And that we'd have to spend eternity alone, apart from each other. I didn't get it at the time because I was young and stupid. But that should have been my clue that we were simply not compatible. In the end we figured that out but we both wasted a lot of time getting there.
I obviously don't know how seriously religious Ultralight's new sweetie is but I'm of the opinion that religious compatibility is absolutely a potential dealbreaker. Current SO and I are 100% on the same page and I wouldn't have it any other way.
*BF#1 has since passed away, having stopped taking his HIV meds after becoming a meth addict and dealer and having a much more active sex life than me (which is saying something...). Not sure how all that plays out in heaven. For his sake hopefully Jesus is more forgiving than a lot of people who claim to represent him. I think about BF#1 often and although I don't believe in it I hope that for his sake there really is a heaven and that he's happy there.
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