Dealing with extended family guests - advice needed please

[razz]

At our recent Thanksgiving gathering, extended family couple were included for the first time as they were in the area. Lovely couple.

Problem - the woman kept wanting something to do, to help. I didn't want any help as all was planned ahead and my kids all had a part. The woman was also contributing dessert to the menu. She kept looking around the living-dining area and asking 'should I do this or that". I kept saying no as I know my space capacity, my routine. The house was cleaned and prepared for the family.

EG: I always simmer the turkey carcass with remaining meat attached finding it so much easier to remove after the cooking, mixing with the resulting broth and then freezing it. She wanted to do it ahead of time. I was feeling as though I had lost control of my own home. Eventually, family were asking me why she couldn't help with something as she kept asking for a job to do. Almost everything she did was disruptive. After meals, I routinely take the placemats, shake them over the sink and return then to the same spot on the dining table. She shook them over the table spilling some debris on the chair and floor and put them all in the laundry walking through the spilled debris and then cleaned the table of the spilled contents. I had to fetch a broom to clean up the floor.

What does one do when a family member visiting is needing something to do constantly?

Whenever I visit family, I offer to help but since I am a guest, I wait to be directed to where and when I can help. It is their home, their routine and I respect those boundaries.

I want to have a more positive relationship with this delightful family member in her late 40 to early 50's who will be in the area for some time attending school before returning to her home out of province. I am not prepared to struggle to find things for her to do all the time.

My life is simple, my routine is simple as is my menu. I will happily plan an outing to a special area during a visit.

I have considered asking her to bring some of her homework with her next time both to share and keep her occupied.
What other ideas could be considered? Help! TIA

[Tybee]

This is a family member that I would encourage to stay at a hotel. Then, since you enjoy her company, I would do things with her like go out to eat, etc. Maybe meet her in the middle to explore a new area, if you really like her. But I would not have her over if she bugged me this much, and I don't believe in dumping on people publicly who want to help, so I would cut it off at the root, and cease to entertain her in my home.

but that's just me!

[herbgeek]

Is there some small chore that you aren't picky about, that can be done outside your work area? Can she straighten, sort, organize something?

If I were not invited back to someone's house just because I was trying to be helpful, I would be sad.

[razz]

I have downsized so everything has its place.

I have other guests over and am glad of their help - some do taste-eating, some move dishes to the table, some simply sit and chat or entertain the other guests or greet them when they arrive. They wait to be included after offering assistance. None keep asking what job they can do. This is my first encounter with this behaviour. I think that she wanted to have the sense of 'family familiarity' so free to do whatever she would do at her home but as her husband said to her, her house is very different in so many ways.

We will work it out somehow but I wondered what I could do to divert this need for a 'job' to do.

[saguaro]

I think it's nice she wants to help, however, it's a level that is bothering you. At the same time, you want to cultivate a good relationship with her so not inviting her into your home is not conducive to accomplishing that. My suggestion is the same as herbgeek's, or ask her to bring something of her own to share as well as keep her busy.

[Chicken lady]

Thank you, I appreciate that you want to help, but I have my own ways of doing things and am happier doing it myself. If I think of something I need your help with, i’ll Be sure to shout out, but meanwhile, i’d Love your company. Could you just pull up a chair and tell me about (your classes, your traditions, whatever....)

after years i have actually looked at my mil and said “I want you to not help.” But I am also at the point where I no longer care what she thinks about me.

[Zoe Girl]

I have found that some people are used to holidays being this overwhelming stressful thing and don't adjust to it just being simple. I know my sister's MIL was shocked one year that we set up the turkey and then went to walk a 5K. Everything was really fine, it does not take nearly as much time as you think to put together a holiday in a simple place.

I like CL's advice. This is why I always bring crochet with me!!

[herbgeek]

We will work it out somehow but I wondered what I could do to divert this need for a 'job' to do.

Some of us were raised with the notion that the right thing to do was to help someone else. Really, we aren't trying to drive you crazy. We have hosted ourselves and realize its a lot of work, and are trying to take away some of that burden. I like the way Chicken Lady phrased it. I would be happy to just sit down and keep someone company, but I've run into enough passive aggressive people who say no the first time I ask, and then continue to complain about all the work they have to do, that I often ask more than once.

[SteveinMN]

Or find something else in the house for her to do: chat with the other guests ("Oh, you've been to Alaska? Cousin Itt has been to Alaska. Let me introduce you."), tend to the kids (or lead them in some activity like finding a song to regale the assemblage or talking about their favorite Thanksgiving memories or Christmas decorations), lead a post-prandial walk around the neighborhood for those with full stomachs,...

I don't think she means ill for wanting to help. Redirecting her (or following CL's approach) will give her something to do and get her out of your way.

[razz]

That is the problem. I do the turkey, stuffing, squash and gravy and then I am done. Both DD's have a share with snacks, Sunday brunch and salads. Everyone helped set the table. She had brought dessert. There was nothing else to do!

Some of us were raised with the notion that the right thing to do was to help someone else. Really, we aren't trying to drive you crazy. We have hosted ourselves and realize its a lot of work, and are trying to take away some of that burden. I like the way Chicken Lady phrased it. I would be happy to just sit down and keep someone company, but I've run into enough passive aggressive people who say no the first time I ask, and then continue to complain about all the work they have to do, that I often ask more than once.

[KayLR]

I was thinking along Steve's lines; what does your family do after dinner? Can she lay out a puzzle? Start a craft or activity with kids?

[saguaro]

I know my sister's MIL was shocked one year that we set up the turkey and then went to walk a 5K. Everything was really fine, it does not take nearly as much time as you think to put together a holiday in a simple place.

This was my cousin and her family. They set up the turkey and some crockpots, then went out to volunteer serving dinner at a homeless shelter.

[messengerhot]

Our family is clannish and I so understood your plea. My in-laws are often visiting and sometimes, they don't even say that they're coming. They'd be staying a few days and I'm like - okkkkkkkk.....
What I do? I just cherish the moment. They're old and almost dying. LOL.

[razz]

Thanks for triggering my continuing approach to this by updating this thread.
As i thought about what happened, several things came to mind.
One assumes that life will continue as it always has but as soon as new elements like additional family or technology enter, the dynamics will change. I had to think of what I wanted for the Thanksgiving celebration and family get-together and share my thoughts with them.

So I set simple parameters that I need in my house.
- all technology is off for certain hours for family to visit and enjoy each others company.
- while each can enjoy their wine and beer, it is not the focus of the get-together. No hard liquor. Enjoy that in your own homes.
- by all means, offer to help and then shut up. I will let you know if and/or when I need help, i will explain how I want that help.
This is all that I ask and expect plus courtesy and respect in my home.

[tazmeinie]

I can't see anything wrong with her helping you, she is just being polite/ considerate since she knows how busy it is during thanksgiving. But if it annoys you, then give her something she could do. like assign her to bring some food or arrange the table or just anything to keep her busy and make her feel that she has done something and not just sit around.

[Rachel]

Coming late to this. Boy do I sympathize! I like doing things my own way! My home, my way! Can you give her a few slabs of gingerbread (I know, that means you have to bake it, so more work for you) and a big pile of candy and frosting and have her make a gingerbread house? Get really tiny candies so there is a lot of it to do. So sorry you have this problem.

[razz]

After thinking about it some more and talking to family further, we have agreed that, once a year, it will be one dinner and evening talking that is just us. Guests including this dear one will be welcome at any other time but I want and need my precious family time.

Further, I will tell anyone who keeps telling me what should be done next and insisting that "I need a job" that while I appreciate any offers of help, I will let him/her know if and when, I need it. It is my view that I invite guests for a visit, not to tell me how and when/how I should be doing things in my home-
"I put in the turkey too late, the dog needs to see a vet because he ate grass when she walked him...

The craft idea has merit - I am going to get a lap quilt started and she will be invited to work on that and I will set up a jigsaw puzzle.
I am very fond of this person but she may be a hyperactive type who has to bring her own entertainment as my life is busy but organized and peaceful. I have no doubt that we will find a way to resolve the situation.