20 years and counting

[messengerhot]

I've been with my husband for two decades! As I realize that now, where has time gone? How many years has it been for you two? Stronger or on the rocks? Is there anyone here who also feel the same?
Was it worth it? Regrets? Plans?

I'm in a chatting mood >8)

[Chicken lady]

27 married 31 more or less together. Life is good! One of the best decisions I ever made. We are enjoying being “empty nesters” and really looking forward to nailing that down when Dd graduates in may. I’lll probably box up her stuff at Christmas time since her last visit she claimed the nicest guest room instead of staying in the room that was hers the last few years.

another decade or so? Until he retires, looking forward to grandchildren.

[lmerullo]

Married 35 years within the week. The first five were h.e.l.l. We were both unprepared to share life. Counselling and stubbornness helped. Happy now, but also can't believe how much time goes on. So many of our peers didn't make it through their first marriage and by this point are on second, third or more !

Two adult kids who each have three kids, and we absolutely love being grandparents.

[Alan]

Our 41st anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. In the early days, it took us a few years to learn how to live together, how to compromise, but the rest of that time has been heaven on earth.

[SteveinMN]

Heh. Newlyweds here: 7 years married; 10 together. Second marriage for both of us. Wish it had been the first but we weren't the same people back then so who knows if it would have worked? (I can say, though, that I would not have provided her ex's reason for a divorce.) It's good and it has been since the beginning, largely because we learned how to live with someone else during Marriages #1. Plans? Till death do us part. Neither one of us is going anywhere.

[nswef]

44 here, no kids, happy. I thought I was very independent and am now realizing I need my husband and enjoy being a couple. It was the best decision I ever made and we often discuss how lucky we are.

[herbgeek]

32.5 years, no kids. Pretty stressful at the beginning with commutes, full time jobs and both of us going to school at night - me first then spouse. Life got infinitely better after about 25 years when hubby really started being an equal partner around the house. Formerly either I did it all, or I had to remember that something had to be done, ask him and hear him grumble about it. Even better now that he's retired and I work from home since he does almost all of the house stuff now. :D I'm at the age now where I have some money from LBMM and would like to do more traveling, and hubby likes being home. That's the biggest stress we have these days.

[Williamsmith]

34 years married, we’ve been friends for 38. I remember the first time I saw her - an underage drinking party at a fraternity. I remember the first time we talked to each other - Between classes ...she standing on the curb, me on the sidewalk. She slipped off the curb falling into me and said, “Nothing like falling for you.” I remember our first date - a college hockey game; we rode on a bus and we held our two pinky’s together.

I dont know if I can say we’re stronger. We came out of the gate pretty solid. It was a struggle the first couple years financially. Then she was the glue that kept the family together for the next 25 years. She lost the person she fell in love with for a long time but she never quit believing that he’d be back. I would never have blamed her if she gave up on me but I would have been surprised. We both come from a long tradition of sticking it out. Thick and thin...all the cliches.

These days, no matter what happens on the outside...we both know what’s in the heart and we cut each other a lot of slack in dealing with each other’s imperfections. We have a lot of pride in what we’ve accomplished and feel like making a difference is about as good as it gets.....even if most of it was in the past.

When we take walks ...now and then, our pinky’s will find each other.

[Tammy]

I was 19 and he was 21 when we married in 1981. I can't believe how much time has passed. We were poor for a decade in the middle and now we have plenty. Kids are out of the house but we love their visits and we're friends with them and their families. Grandkids are a hoot.

I tell people we got lucky. It all lasted, much of it due to dumb luck and determination. We are both completely different people now, but we grew up together and in the same direction. We are best friends.

[iris lilies]

29 years here. DH is pretty easy to live with, easier than me. But then, HEwas the one who really wanted to get married.

[ToomuchStuff]

Before the traditional third post about software by you, I have to say I am not married. Once proposed, but the response I got was rather cold, as she was hoping that I would introduce her to one of my wealthier friends, so she could be "kept".
That said I had an interesting discussion with a friend/customer yesterday. His daughter cut off visiting him, or letting him see the grandkids, because he is dating someone, after 2 1/2 years being a widow.
I understand ones like the one I know where the husband cheated, the wife killed herself and he was left with everything and proceeded to marry his girlfriend (actually seen that one twice, once reversed). I don't understand how kids think one should remain forever single, if one finds happiness again. It really was till death due they part.

[frugal-one]

It will be 44 years a month from today. We are best friends and are at a wonderful time where we can do whatever whenever we want. There were times we had to take care of aging parents and then could not leave because of the dog. Now both are gone so we are unencumbered. We are planning a multitude of trips to places "on our list." This is what we worked a lifetime to achieve. I am thrilled we actually made it!!!

[Float On]

We had 3 dates before we had a 6 mt engagement which felt 3 mts too long at the time. We've been married over 27 years. The last 5 have been the hardest - the failing and closing up of our business was the hardest thing we've experienced. Both of us are still a bit raw from that.

[catherine]

40 years for us! I can't believe it. It's been a great ride--sometimes a scary roller coaster, but who doesn't need a few thrills in life?

[mamalatte]

Just completing a horrible and lengthy divorce after 20 years, two kids. I wish I had divorced years ago. Like williamsmith, I come from a "long tradition of sticking it out" which I think was one reason I stayed in an abusive situation for so long. Not that other relationships in my extended family were abusive (as far as I know), but just that hardly anyone ever got divorced -- it just wasn't done/was frowned upon. Since my situation also involved mental illness, I also had a lot of confusion over whether "in sickness or in health" meant I had signed up to stay with someone who abused me. After a lot of therapy and a domestic violence support group, I have now decided that is not what was meant. Luckily kids were still fairly young when we separated more than four years ago (it has taken nearly all of the time since then to divorce him).

On a lighter note, not surprised to hear of so many long marriages here. I think that a lot of the same qualities that are necessary to financial thoughtfulness or discipline are also very conducive to sticking with a marriage even during the tough times, e.g., being guided by a strong set of underlying principles, being able to delay gratification, appreciating the simple things.

A fun thread, thank you for sharing!

[Teacher Terry]

third marriage for me. 19 years together and 14 married. WE have a great time together and ended up raising one of his 2 sons. All are adults now and we love being empty nesters. First marriage got married at 18 and he was in the service. I divorced him after 3 years. we were just too young. 2nd marriage at 22 and we stay married for 22 years (3 kids) and I divorced him. 2nd husband was very controlling and verbally abusive so I left him as soon as the youngest was 18 and out of HS. I was so stressed out all the time that my neck was literally strangling both of my arms. The Neurologist after doing testing said something was seriously wrong with my life and I needed to fix it.

[SteveinMN]

I wish I had divorced years ago. Like williamsmith, I come from a "long tradition of sticking it out" which I think was one reason I stayed in an abusive situation for so long. Not that other relationships in my extended family were abusive (as far as I know), but just that hardly anyone ever got divorced -- it just wasn't done/was frowned upon. Since my situation also involved mental illness, I also had a lot of confusion over whether "in sickness or in health" meant I had signed up to stay with someone who abused me. After a lot of therapy and a domestic violence support group, I have now decided that is not what was meant.
My first marriage was similar. I sometimes half-joke that we would have divorced sooner if we hadn't been working different shifts. But we were in a cultural/religious environment in which divorce was tolerated only in cases of "mental illness" or adultery on the part of the one who left the marriage. Neither of those applied to us. Well, there was some depression (certainly for XW; perhaps for me). But ... you just "didn't". Until finally I realized that the goal was to be married, not to be living in the same house at the end of our lives, holding on to some tattered marriage license.

It's a longer story than that, of course. I'm just confirming (since so many of the posters so far have been married only once) that there are many external factors which play into deciding to stay together.

[Gardnr]

37 years for us and happy about that!:cool:

We were 16 on our first date and married just after our 19th bdays. It was a challenge growing up through our 20s, hubby fired and unemployed for nearly 6m and unmotivated to find work-nearly ending our marriage, both going to college, living on very BAD financial advice from his seemingly well-to-do parents. House payment, 2 car payments, lots of credit cards.......we woke up in the late 80s and realized we were stressed out, unhappy, ignoring each other and on the verge of bankruptcy. We spent the next 5 years working our butts off, paying down debt, doing absolutely nothing fun except the occasional camping trip, finishing our degrees and then life blossomed for us in 1992. Our financial situation is our 1 major regret!!!! (and his parents are late 70s and very happily refinanced their home of 40y taking all the cash they could for a new 30 year mortgage when his Dad turned 70:0! they obviously still suck at money. If we had to guess, they have refinanced at least 10 times. Those costs likely equal what they paid for that house back in 1979.

We have learned much from this marriage journey about commitment. About the depth of our marriage vows. About each other. We ignore the stupid little things that annoy each other recognizing they aren't worthy of divorce. We are forever friends and count on each other through every thing! I am more judgmental and quick to anger, he is calm and floats. I tell people we're still married because he's a saint. He says I ain't so bad.

I wouldn't trade this relationship for anything. I once had a conversation with a multimillionaire neurosurgeon I worked with a lot who was on his 3rd marriage. I told him I wouldn't trade my marriage for all his money. This is something he could not comprehend. I wonder what his now 4th wife thinks?

A solid marriage is a highly committed 2 way street with a lot of give and take and plenty of communication as the foundation. Who knew one could love someone so much and want to be with the same person day in and day out? BFFs forever;)

We dote on our 2 cats, 8yo beautiful purebred Lynx. They entertain us often. No, they are not our kids-a comment I despise is being called Mom. But we love sharing our home with them.

We didn't have kids. Premarital discussion-he didn't want any. Um, OK. We love being Aunt/Uncle to my nieces/nephews and we're getting to know the next generation as well. Love spending time with all of them. I say it's like being Grandma without giving birth!

We have worked hard for our retirement and we are set. I'll retire in 3.5 years at age 60 and he plans to work to 65 (one of us has to work for healthcare-especially under this President, until it's universal in the US).

We plan to see more of the US-our travel plans. We both have hobbies we'd like to spend much more time on. We will split our time between the city home and our mountain cabin able to flit back and forth on a whim as they are just 2.5h but a world apart. And spend more time with my family as their time allows. And I know there is volunteering in my future be it in Nursing or other community avenues.

Marriage is not for everyone. It's not an easy-peasy road to travel. But it's been a fantastic learning/growing/worthy road for us.

[beckyliz]

We just celebrated our 25th. Could be better - could be worse.

[messengerhot]

27 married 31 more or less together. Life is good! One of the best decisions I ever made. We are enjoying being “empty nesters” and really looking forward to nailing that down when Dd graduates in may. I’lll probably box up her stuff at Christmas time since her last visit she claimed the nicest guest room instead of staying in the room that was hers the last few years.

another decade or so? Until he retires, looking forward to grandchildren.

ohhh!!! is it like honeymoon stage all over again? we have 5 kids but all of them are below 18 except for our eldest. she's in college and finishing up accountancy.
grandchildren are the best! they keep your stress levels down and now i understand, grandparents are indeed spoilers!

[messengerhot]

Married 35 years within the week. The first five were h.e.l.l. We were both unprepared to share life. Counselling and stubbornness helped. Happy now, but also can't believe how much time goes on. So many of our peers didn't make it through their first marriage and by this point are on second, third or more !

Two adult kids who each have three kids, and we absolutely love being grandparents.

i will have to agree with you since my mom is in her third marriage now.... my baby sister's marriage is her first but she is the current wife. her husband divorced the first one.

what kind of counselling, may i ask? i am really contemplating on doing the online counselling thing - and no - we're not in bad shape right now, but he is depressed and i dont know how to help him :-(. i saw this couples therapy ad online.

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/therapy/how-does-couples-therapy-work/

not to sure if it will work for us or not, still reading on personal testimonies.
and a big CONGRATS for the 35 years, from the bottom of my heart. i just hope we can survive up to that level or maybe more.

[messengerhot]

Our 41st anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. In the early days, it took us a few years to learn how to live together, how to compromise, but the rest of that time has been heaven on earth.

may i ask what made it heaven on earth for you both? thank you and KUDOS for 41 years. imo, you look young Alan! did you marry in your teens?

[messengerhot]

Heh. Newlyweds here: 7 years married; 10 together. Second marriage for both of us. Wish it had been the first but we weren't the same people back then so who knows if it would have worked? (I can say, though, that I would not have provided her ex's reason for a divorce.) It's good and it has been since the beginning, largely because we learned how to live with someone else during Marriages #1. Plans? Till death do us part. Neither one of us is going anywhere.

so sweet! i guess you're right. it's maturity i think and the willingness to make it work. and maybe the fact that this is the "right" person. hey, 7 is a good number! i know some who don't go past their 2nd year. too bad

[messengerhot]

44 here, no kids, happy. I thought I was very independent and am now realizing I need my husband and enjoy being a couple. It was the best decision I ever made and we often discuss how lucky we are.

you really sound happy :-) may i ask, what fills your days? i mean, as for me, the kids take up most of my time which is why have a flexi-hours job.

[messengerhot]

32.5 years, no kids. Pretty stressful at the beginning with commutes, full time jobs and both of us going to school at night - me first then spouse. Life got infinitely better after about 25 years when hubby really started being an equal partner around the house. Formerly either I did it all, or I had to remember that something had to be done, ask him and hear him grumble about it. Even better now that he's retired and I work from home since he does almost all of the house stuff now. :D I'm at the age now where I have some money from LBMM and would like to do more traveling, and hubby likes being home. That's the biggest stress we have these days.

and i thought i was the only one experiencing the my-hubby-is-not-helping-me-at-home-with-chores kind of problem. if you got it from him after 25 years, i guess, there's still hope for me.

may i ask - what's LBMM?

[messengerhot]

34 years married, we’ve been friends for 38. I remember the first time I saw her - an underage drinking party at a fraternity. I remember the first time we talked to each other - Between classes ...she standing on the curb, me on the sidewalk. She slipped off the curb falling into me and said, “Nothing like falling for you.” I remember our first date - a college hockey game; we rode on a bus and we held our two pinky’s together.

I dont know if I can say we’re stronger. We came out of the gate pretty solid. It was a struggle the first couple years financially. Then she was the glue that kept the family together for the next 25 years. She lost the person she fell in love with for a long time but she never quit believing that he’d be back. I would never have blamed her if she gave up on me but I would have been surprised. We both come from a long tradition of sticking it out. Thick and thin...all the cliches.

These days, no matter what happens on the outside...we both know what’s in the heart and we cut each other a lot of slack in dealing with each other’s imperfections. We have a lot of pride in what we’ve accomplished and feel like making a difference is about as good as it gets.....even if most of it was in the past.

When we take walks ...now and then, our pinky’s will find each other.


William, that's beautiful. you made me cry. it just goes to show that when you fall in love, you keep that love even if at times the in love stage vanishes. it's been like that for us - this year we are in love, next year we stick it out because of love and then next, we just think of love --- i think that's the reason why those of us who stay together for at least 20 years just won't quit in love


dont tell me you're nicholas sparks? :-)

These days, no matter what happens on the outside...we both know what’s in the heart and we cut each other a lot of slack in dealing with each other’s imperfections. We have a lot of pride in what we’ve accomplished and feel like making a difference is about as good as it gets.....even if most of it was in the past.

When we take walks ...now and then, our pinky’s will find each other

[messengerhot]

I was 19 and he was 21 when we married in 1981. I can't believe how much time has passed. We were poor for a decade in the middle and now we have plenty. Kids are out of the house but we love their visits and we're friends with them and their families. Grandkids are a hoot.

I tell people we got lucky. It all lasted, much of it due to dumb luck and determination. We are both completely different people now, but we grew up together and in the same direction. We are best friends.



best friends who are in love? :-) true - dumb luck and determination to not kill the other person :laff::laff::laff:

[messengerhot]

29 years here. DH is pretty easy to live with, easier than me. But then, HEwas the one who really wanted to get married.


well, he was ready, maybe. and 29 years is wow!

[lmerullo]

what kind of counselling, may i ask? i am really contemplating on doing the online counselling thing - and no - we're not in bad shape right now, but he is depressed and i dont know how to help him :-(. i saw this couples therapy ad online.

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/therapy/how-does-couples-therapy-work/

not to sure if it will work for us or not, still reading on personal testimonies.
and a big CONGRATS for the 35 years, from the bottom of my heart. i just hope we can survive up to that level or maybe more.

We did family counselling through a school referral with my son. DS was ADD and a handful and that stress coupled with our backgrounds really stressed us out. DH came from a long line of abusers and I came from a set of parents who never disagreed. This was a volatile melting pot as neither knew how to communicate. He was a yeller and I am a debater but neither knew the fine art of compromise or "you win this time, I win next". Huge help to have a nonbiased third party specifically lay out ground rules for discussions. In those years, my phrase to him was often "my ears stop hearing you when you yell at me". Which is said in a normal tone of voice over and over. I am not kidding, it seems so rude now, but it's where we were then...

Ground rules for discussions
Permission to put a pin in it, and return at another time when things can be addressed
Permission to walk away/ stop for a breather without offending the other
Not bringing the past into a current discussion
An oldie, but goodie: don't use "you always" or "you never". Ex: you always leave your wet towel on the floor, you're such a slob, you never pick up after yourself. Be specific: last time you left the towel on the floor, I felt devalued - as if your time was too valuable to waste picking up a towel, but mine was less valuable and should be used to pick up after you. I really think this example happened to us as well. I

I digress, and I'm sure some couples have never dealt with these issues, or things just clicked into place....but once resolved, we now know we can argue or disagree and it does not mean we don't love each other. There's usually a once yearly screaming match - our last one was witnessed by a friend, and ended with dh and I in giggles as we realized how insignificant it was....

[herbgeek]

may i ask - what's LBMM?
Living below my means

[goldensmom]

My husband and I have been married for 35 years. No regrets. Would marry him over and over. We have both changed over the past 35 years and I think expecting change and accepting change has made us stronger as a couple. The most comfortable thing for me is to be able to be together with few expectations, accepting our differences and to be grateful for what we are together and the material things with which we have been blessed. Blessed by my marriage and circumstances beyond what I deserve.

[Williamsmith]

William, that's beautiful. you made me cry. it just goes to show that when you fall in love, you keep that love even if at times the in love stage vanishes. it's been like that for us - this year we are in love, next year we stick it out because of love and then next, we just think of love --- i think that's the reason why those of us who stay together for at least 20 years just won't quit in love


dont tell me you're nicholas sparks? :-)

These days, no matter what happens on the outside...we both know what’s in the heart and we cut each other a lot of slack in dealing with each other’s imperfections. We have a lot of pride in what we’ve accomplished and feel like making a difference is about as good as it gets.....even if most of it was in the past.

When we take walks ...now and then, our pinky’s will find each other

I don’t do creative writing. It is often awful.

You know when you were a teen and just learning about what touching another person can do to you. Holding hands and walking around told everyone you were “together”. It was an exploration. You didn’t know where it was going and I think that riskiness made it enchanting. Well, this pinky thing is on a whole different level. It is a silent communication that only you and your partner share for a brief time.

For us it says, I reached out to you and you reached back...we touched in the most insignificant way but expressed our deepest feelings. If I reach out and she moves away ever so slightly....it changes all the rest of the future. There is something that needs repaired. It might just be her mood or I could have offended her. The fact is, it starts you searching for a way to make things right again. Back to where you are walking hand in hand. It’s a fluid thing. I can see when people get weary of trying to keep it together. The effort does not seem worth it. I think that’s just people understanding that a square peg shouldn’t be driven into a round hole. No one deserves to be blamed.

One of the the things I say a lot is, “Its nobody’s fault.” That’s a good starting point for communication. I’m no genius at this. I came from a family where both parents had explosive tempers. It got violent a few times. Once it nearly took my mother’s life. So I draw from that experience and say, you have to constantly be de-escalating. Not only that, you have to be constantly trying to make things right or else you will be out of tune all the time.

The real secret is both of you have to be trying. One person can’t change the equation.

[debbie]

Together 36 years, married 30 in January. He's my best friend and makes me laugh all the time. My first marriage, he was married over 30 years to his first wife when they divorced. He's got 5 kids, 2 are older than me. Actually he's got jeans older than me! We met at work where he and my Dad were friends. It was not easy at first. We were poor for years because of the divorce. But my family saw we were serious and came around. His family was really good to us from the beginning. When we got married I became a grandma without ever having a child. Now we have great great grandkids! He's got a lot of health issues now. I'm so grateful to be with him still. Plans? To keep on as long as possible!