difficult feedback to boss?

[Zoe Girl]

We had a good team meeting last week, we did some team builder activities that I liked. So overall I like him. He also gave us an article to read about leadership, being a good but not too lenient boss and willing to have the hard conversations. I know about difficult conversations, I put myself on the line to have these conversations over the years.

Meanwhile I have been having issues since the beginning of the year. I have taken a lot of responsibility for my one mistake. I also am frustrated over how I was dealing with a lot of things like all my program materials sitting in boxes in the hallways of the school for 3 days, a difficult broken computer, 2 people quitting just before school started and a staff at risk of going to jail due to a DUI when this happened. I didn't get the feeling he understood what was happening but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

And just last week there was an issue with a social services call my staff made on Monday night. I called him the next day, well within the time limit of the procedures. His answer to my text was that he didn't know what a social services call was. So I called him but he was in a training. I left a message and texted back to call me. The bottom line is that I was offered retraining because I was waiting for him to call back. I think that he got in trouble for that, however I really know how to make social services call paperwork, unfortunately. I have done it a lot. I just found out that he forgot to go cover at my colleagues site on Friday.

Now he is supposed to coach me on managing work load, making priorities. I just don't know what to say, it is a department thing to have supervisors coach us so we have to do it. However I think I could teach him in this area. I get a tremendous amount of work done, So maybe I can have him coach me in something else, something where I am not going to have a difficult time having a good attitude. Maybe he can help me learn some Spanish?

[iris lilies]

I think you should approach this training with an open mind and go along with whatever your boss wants you to do. You actually might find that a little bit of "training" (for whatever) provides you with a trick or two. It might even open up some avenues for better communications with your boss and you may learn how HE wishes you to do X, Y, or Z.

That would be worth something, wouldnt it? Or maybe this would turn into a discussion that you both find useful about other work topics. You never know, and an opportunity to meet with your new boss one on one could, potentially, be a very good thing.

Really Zoe, the issue that he "forgot to go cover [your] colleagues' site on Friday" has nothing to do with your relationship with your boss. Dwell on details like this if you will, but I don't know how that helps you achieve your often stated goal to keep your job.

And now I am going to sound harsh, but here it is: it is difficult for me to follow much of what you write here, and that is ok because I don't have to understand the details of your work life. But I really do wonder if you write in the same way to your boss that you write here--kind of a rambling stream in passive voice that is often confusing. Perhaps that is worth your consideration.

Finally, please consider checking in with your job coach. Is it time to have a session or two? She is probably the best person to advise you in this situation since she has a far better understanding of the facts of your work and your own place in that work. Those of us here have an incomplete picture, to say the least.

[Zoe Girl]

I know you have told me before that I am confusing. Is it with the work related posts or in general? I am trying to be open and not feel defensive so this is hard. I actually see myself as a good writer, but I can see that when it is work related I have a combination of emotion and jargon. When I write to my supervisor I keep it to a couple topics, use more common words, and include charts or bullet points to make it as clear as I can. I do understand he is learning a lot this year, however he has been in our department for 3 years now. If other people read this I am open to hearing if I am confusing to everyone,

I am concerned that I am going to be defensive if the coaching topic is about setting priorities when I feel that his understanding of priorities is a problem. So finding another topic of coaching would be better. The forgetting about covering for my colleague is very concerning. We work with kids, he would not be covering some paperwork or even a meeting, we only ask for coverage when it is direct supervision of children in the ratio needed for safety and licensing regulations. Social services calls are also at the very top of the priority list. We are all mandatory reporters of child abuse, the bus driver to the crossing guard to the lunch lady, and we train every year. Answering me that he didn't know what a social services call was is very concerning. Maybe he knows this by another name but he didn't call me back or answer the phone until the next day.

I am open to meeting with him one on one, We have biweekly check ins right now. He has forgotten a couple times. I made myself a monthly checklist sheet to help with all the current deadlines and priorities. I am doing very well with meeting a lot of deadlines and teaching my assistant to do many tasks. I haven't heard back from my job coach recently, I can reach out again. I talk to one person at work for mutual support, she is actively looking for a new job. Other than that I don't trust anyone.

[herbgeek]

I've also mentioned I don't always follow your posts- the emotions are usually clear, but the specifics are not. I will get that you are upset, but exactly WHY you are upset eludes me. Example from above:



all my program materials sitting in boxes in the hallways of the school for 3 days,'

This is what goes through my head when I read something like this: Is this a problem? Why is this a problem? Who is impacted by this if the boxes stay in the hallway? Where should the boxes be? Why doesn't Zoe just move them if its a problem? What is Zoe's expectation on the box as to who should move them to where and when?

It may be obvious to you what needs to happen, but it isn't to me, and maybe not to the people you work with either. If you want something to happen, you need to be clear with who you expect to do what and WHY it is important for them to do so.

I agree with Iris about not pointing out that your supervisor did something bad in your conversation. There's no upside to you on that. It makes you look defensive, and puts him on the defensive.

[razz]

Go to the coaching to see how he is thinking about the situation. Unless you walk in his shoes, you cannot understand what he is thinking. When he can trust that you are listening to him taking in what he is saying, he will not hear you raise your concerns.
Prioritize your concerns in bullet form choosing those which are practical and correctable and separating out those which are emotional.

Your job won't be perfect because getting total unity of thought from a variety of people coming from a variety of perspectives and agendas is simply not going to happen. I am a Mrs. Fixit as well so speak from experience. Find what works and simply focus on that. I know that is hard to do.

ZG, forget about the past actions. Let go! They are a huge backpack full of rocks that you are dragging around. They are water under the bridge, gone forever. Focus on today and what is good and what needs change/correction/adaptation now.

Hang in there, girl.

[Chicken lady]

Do you know the “sandwich” rules for writing a paragraph? Topic sentence, supporting details, summary restating topic sentence?

i can’t come up with a topic sentence for you last paragraph. “I am open to meeting with him one on one” appears totally unrelated and perhaps contradictory to “Other than that I don’t trust anyone.” I understand all the things you wrote in the paragraph, but it is a random, conversational style - it appears that you are simply sharing your thoughts as they occur to you. Which is fine in a conversation, but not so effective in written communication. If I were reading your paragraph in a professional setting, my impression would be that you were disorganized and distracted.

also, “watch, do, teach.” Having him coach you on setting priorities could be very helpful to both of you. You could take this as an opportunity to ask specific, targeted questions that would make it clear to both of you what HIS priorities are, both in his job and for you. If you think he is wrong, you can say something like “previously I had the impression that x always took priority over y, but it sounds like that is not the case. When should I be prioritizing y over x?” Write his answer down, follow it, and then if you get reprimanded on it, apologize and refer to it. “I am sorry that x did not get accomplished. Unfortunately there was a problem with y that required (resources used - time, people) to resolve. Was I incorrect in believing that this was a situation where (insert his guidelines for prioritizing y)?”

[Tammy]

What I get from your writing is a bunch of negative emotions about your job. It's hard for you just let it go. I work with some people like you, and actually the ones I'm thinking of I really like and have a friendly relationship with them. However, the problem with them is that they are perfectionistic, overinclusive with details, and they want to identify problems and solutions on their own without following the direction of their leadership. Both in person and in email, they tell long, involved stories about their personal experience with problems they face in their work. This simply causes their management team stress and they end up not being heard.

Alternatively, what managers are looking for in employees is simply to accept direction, do their job, solve problems the best they can, and follow leadership.

I often wonder if this board is where you simply vent, which is appropriate and no problem. Or whether this is how you communicate at work, which then becomes a problem. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you simply are venting with us. But if this is how you communicate at work, then perhaps you can consider some of what I wrote here as a way to improve.

However, Even if this is just venting on this board, it still seems like you carry around a lot of worry and negative emotion about your job. Your life would be so much better if you could just let that go.

[Tammy]

I'll sum it up this way – you seem like a very smart person with an active mind. But your role at work is to follow your boss, not to lead him or give him feedback. So the title of this post clearly shows the problem – your higher levels of skill and/or intelligence still does not give you authority to give him feedback or to lead him down the path that you think is best. It's your job to follow his leadership.

I think this is a common problem with very intelligent and creative people – the adjustment from the school place to the workplace is difficult because the leaders are not necessarily the ones with the most intelligence. And yet they must be followed and respected.

[Zoe Girl]

Yup, first of all I do use a conversational style. I will try to make it more clear, sometimes explaining why it impacts my work to have my materials in the hallway for 3 days is just super long and boring. I don't write or even talk this way at work. This will be brief, since my last 2 responses were lost while I was interrupted!

I like the ideas you had CL about how to readjust the conversation to be more focused on listening and taking advice. I don't do that naturally so I need to plan a strategy to do it. Like you said Tammy I struggle with the smart thing. I don't want to sound egotistical so I don't bring it up however I find it ends up obvious. There are markers like not using as many contractions in speaking, being very accurate in using language, and asking detailed questions. I spent many of my school years working by myself or with a small group of students and we basically taught ourselves.

Yes this is my vent place! I am not this negative at work, I notice my colleagues are often automatically negative and it is really unappealing. I participate fully in meetings, listen and learn when I can. When I am told something directly I do it the best I can, I struggle when what I am told simply does not work in reality. I find if I get some of this out here then I am able to do that better. I also really sometimes wish that for as much time as I spend helping people learn or working with my staff with significant learning disabilities that I could get similar support for when my social skills are a struggle related to the smart/creative thing.

[iris lilies]

I think is IS entirely possible that your new boss is struggling in his new role and what you see is also what his supervisors see. But you cannot direct his work for the better, you do not have that authority, so you have to work with him as best you can.

Our communication here on this simple living forum is a conversational style, true, so if this isnt your business writing style, I accept that. But I would ask you to assess your use of passive voice which I bet you DO use in your business communications. As a manager, I found passive voice communications from my staff maddening and unclear.* Read up on passive voice as a no-no for business communications.

Finally, you would do well to retire the "I am smarter than those around me" schtick because it doesnt get you anywhere, and specifically relating to one example you use, contractions, that is more of a marker of class (middle class family) and values than indication of IQ and it shows you learned, and value, Standard American English.

* Example of passive voice is " I was told to put the donations in the trash." And as that employee's supervisor, I have to ask a basic question: who told you to do that? Leaving out the true subject of the topic, the person who told employee to put things in tne trash, is leaving out an essential part of communication. This also makes the employee look weak and unable to be direct in situations that could be problematic.

[Zoe Girl]

So on the passive voice, I think it is part of me trying not to cause more conflict or appear assertive/aggressive. There is one colleague who is very direct and appears to never get in trouble, she follows up every conversation with her supervisor with an email and says it is for documentation. I do follow up the important things, and when it relates to the expertise of his supervisor include her, but am also aware of how the tone is. I also wonder about saying things as 'I put the donations in the trash per our conversation (on X date or by email)'. It feels defensive or blaming? I would most likely at work simply say I did something, rather than I was told to. If I was questioned on it then I would bring up how or by who I was told to do it.

The smart thing, honestly I just notice when people seem to be put off by me. It isn't something I try to do, in fact I try to be aware of when I put people off, but I also just talk the way I talk. We have all kinds of smart, sports smart, memorizing things smart (I am terrible at that), artistic smart. I do not consider myself better than other people, just really tired and lonely at times. The conversations I feel are important to getting my job done (looking over the details of camp budget, asking for staffing hours allotted instead of number of staff, sounding out new ideas) are at odds with the simply following what they want me to do all the time. I am guessing the new administration will start to reach out to our level of employees about mid-year or end of year and ask us what has been done before or what is successful. It takes 1-2 years to get our voices back with new administration.

In any case thank you all for having this conversation with me, now off to clean the desk and make the lists!

[JaneV2.0]

Wouldn't it be nice if you had a job where you could just be who you are, and didn't have to tie yourself in knots to please a succession of bosses? It must be exhausting.

Frankly, your job sounds like a lower circle of hell, with long hours, ever greater responsibility, constant job insecurity, and mediocre pay.

In my opinion, pink collar jobs are often like this; maybe the field isn't for you. I know it wouldn't be for me.

ETA: My father, who had editorial experience and wrote beautifully, used to say "Tell them what you're going to tell them; tell them; tell them what you told them." That sums it up nicely.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Wouldn't it be nice if you had a job where you could just be who you are, and didn't have to tie yourself in knots to please a succession of bosses? It must be exhausting.

Frankly, your job sounds like a lower circle of hell, with long hours, ever greater responsibility, constant job insecurity, and mediocre pay.

In my opinion, pink collar jobs are often like this; maybe the field isn't for you. I know it wouldn't be for me.

I think pink collar jobs might sometimes have better work life balance though, though Zoe's job isn't one of those as her hours are grueling. But sure do a man's job, but be expected then to do a man's job which means they assume you have NO OTHER responsibilities in life but to be a breadwinner ((the stereotypical man's role afterall - wife supposed to do everything else). For me that means that I'm always on call, I check my phone on weekends for work responsibilities and take my laptop with me if I leave home for any distance for any period of time, and that's male dominated but still soft white collar work and so fairly coddled comparatively. I'm not insane enough to get into the madness that seems to be some blue collar work which is real male dominance in a way no office work is - though not always of legal citizens (the kind of crazy in my bf's previous blue collar workplace was beyond all measure - and the hours sometimes 12 a day and always Saturdays as well - even I thought he should move to something more in a white collar direction, because even I knew it didn't have to be *that* bad, and he got such a job and is happier).

[Chicken lady]

Zoe, “I put the donations in the trash per our conversation (on x date or by e-mail)” is exactly right. And sufficient.

i recently had a conversation with the educational services specialist about some parts of my teaching style. (One thing I love about my job is that she is a genuine resource, not an opportunity to go hang yourself. - I have REQUESTED observation on two occasions) I told her that I understood the suggestions she was making about how I communicated with a particular student, but that it was difficult for me to speak to older students in the way she suggested because it felt condescending to me. She assured me that it was an effective and positive tool with anyone, and I should try it. (and even though my brain said “not with me lady, my gut reaction is spare me the b*llsh*t) I did. And it was extremely effective in that situation. So even though I still feel like I am treating my student disrespectfully, he apparently does not, and my change is allowing him to get what he needs from the class - which is the important thing.

[Reyes]

Zoe, if I recall correctly you've had difficulties with several supervisors and administrators over the year. This may be something you want to work on with your career coach. You can't change other people and there might be something in what you are doing that would be beneficial to you to change.

On another note, I'm wondering where you got the idea that you are smarter than others to such an extent that it makes others uncomfortable to communicate with you. You mention that you use big words and such that can be off-putting to others but that has not been my experience in reading your posts.

[Yppej]

I hope the other opportunity comes through for. Assuming you aren't your best self as others have suggested, it can be hard to be your best in a demoralizing environment. You describe high turnover and at least one person that you know lookimg elsewhere, so probably others as well you are not aware of. I worked for too long for a company that burned through a ton of good people, and am so happy to not be there anymore. It's easy to blame the employee for a flawed organization's culture. Only if you run into the same issues at another job would I question your abilities, and even then I would ask first is this line of work the right fit for you, or are you like a good woman who keeps falling for the same type of wrong man.