Hard to Get

[Yppej]

What is the longest someone has pursued you before you agreed to go out with them?

In my case it was 2 years.

[Ultralight]

...2 years.
What? There must be a story.

[Yppej]

My aunt held out for 3 years with one of her car pool mates. Sometimes a person gets jaded about relationships and has to be won over.

[Ultralight]

Truthfully, I don't really get pursued I don't think.

[catherine]

I spent two years in high school madly in love with one particular guy, unrequited. The second two years I switched gears and aggressively pursued another guy, who was also a best friend and confidante. Unrequited. Years later learned that they were both gay. Back then, no one came out--especially in high school. Sure wish they had been able to--would have saved me a whole of teen angst.

[Ultralight]

I spent two years in high school madly in love with one particular guy, unrequited. The second two years I switched gears and aggressively pursued another guy, who was also a best friend and confident. Unrequited. Years later learned that they were both gay. Back then, no one came out--especially in high school. Sure with they had been able to--would have saved me a whole of teen angst.

You're a natural gabe!

[iris lilies]

Ok, I will respond to UL’s other post in the context of yppej’s new thread.

I agree that continuing to “pursue” cool aethiest woman may be a good strategy. Back in the day, I liked to see calm confidnce in men. That comment about “alpha male”made me cringe. OTOH I do observe this in dogs, but more about Alpha Bitch and jockeying for that position. The boy dogs are pretty chill together in our household.

So, to “pursue” would mean seeing her at events and making an effort to talk with her to show her you enjoy her company. Be steady about it. Do NOT let “alpha men” push you away.

I havent been “pursued”for a long time, maybe it was three months before
i warmed ip to the idea. An important old boyfriend asked me out in front of others for the first tiime so I sort of felt had to say yes. Then he would come to my workplace, public library, and kind of hang out a bit without being creepy but still. He made me uncomfortable but that was, looking back, an interesting sort of, ummm, tension.:) Then I told him I didnt date married men (he was separated) but that was just an excuse.
But still he persisted. Then we did go out for a while, but I limited it to twice a week, that is all I could take of that kind of intense thing. But then it got warmer, and from then it was a very good relationship.

[SteveinMN]

About a week for me, I think.

I don't play hard to get. I don't like that behavior in others, either ("The Rules"). I can understand the person I'm "pursuing" being in another relationship at the time (or recovering from the end of one). But I never waited around for them. If I found out they were available at a time I was; great. If not, oh, well.

[ApatheticNoMore]

seems it could quickly turn into creepy stalker behavior too. If someone keeps persuing etc. after enough no's the thoughts turn not to love but to restraining orders.

[iris lilies]

seems it could quickly turn into creepy stalker behavior too. If someone keeps persuing etc. after enough no's the thoughts turn not to love but to restraining orders.
Well, that is true. I guess I was just thinking that right now, UL needs to be friendly as friends would be. Dont give her a reason to say no. That is, if she comes back to an atheist event.

[Yppej]

seems it could quickly turn into creepy stalker behavior too. If someone keeps persuing etc. after enough no's the thoughts turn not to love but to restraining orders.

It could, but in this case she hasn't said no, she just hadn't responded, and Ultra Light does not strike me as a stalker.

This morning Steve Urkel's eventual winning of Laura popped into my mind.

[Ultralight]

As David Lee Roth once said: ""I don't get all the women I want; I get all the women than want me."

If a woman is going to play hard to get, then she can get got by someone else.
I am a straight shooter -- I ask a woman out. If she accepts then we move forward. If she declines or ghosts then I drop her and move along. When a woman declines I am polite and say something like: "Thanks for the honesty, best of luck to you in your search."

When a woman ghosts I just let it go.

[JaneV2.0]

I don't play games, ever. I used to hear all that crap about letting men win at games, play dumb, etc. and the idea repulsed me. Way to start off a relationship--by being a phony. If someone doesn't like me the way I am they can move on. I never played hard to get and I don't remember being pursued by anyone I later became interested in. I did hold off dating my SO of many years until he was disengaged from his then-wife.

[goldensmom]

I don't play games, ever.


I agree. I’ve been married a long time but way back in my single days, if someone was interested in me then I either returned the interest or not and politely told them so. I don’t think dating is a game, to play hard to get and it is mean to string someone along. Respond positively or tell them from the get go that you are not interested so they can move on.

[bae]

I don't play games, ever. I used to hear all that crap about letting men win at games, play dumb, etc. and the idea repulsed me.

Same. Life's too short to waste any of it dealing with people who play those sorts of games.

[Ultralight]

If someone doesn't like me the way I am they can move on.
JBY (just be yourself).

Works great if one is either very physically attractive -- so much so that people forgive one's personality. Or it also works great if your "self" is innocuous, very moderate in all spheres, and generally quite acceptable to the dominant culture.

But if you are quirky, then it is a real tough game out there...

[iris lilies]

We have discussed The Rules here before. I guess we have pretty much discussed everything.

I read that book and agree with it. It is not about teaching women to “play games,” it is about encouraging women to develop a rich life with lots of activities so that when potential romantic partners come along, you are not swarming them with attention, you legitimately have other things going on in your life. The book contains good advice about pacing a new relationship.

That idiotic concept “playing games”has always bugged me. It is a lifelong pet peeve, and I usually avoid those who use the term excessively, especially back in the days when I was dating. It meant to me that the man wanted a fast committment to regular and frequent one on one dates, and usually exclusively. If I didn't want to committ to that schedule I was “playing games” in his words. So when I told that boyfriend “dude, more than twice a week just isnt something I want to do,” that would be “playing gamez” for some men.

For those guys, they can fook right off.

Not allowing a relationship to unfold at a pace that is comfortable for me is churlish and self centered. Pacing is important, and negotiating the pace is part of building the relationship. I think it is important to remember that sometimes romantic partners are not obvious, they grow on you. I dont mean do not honor a woman’s “No” I mean dont put her in a position to have to regularly say “no.” Group meetips are good for that.

This thing with pacing is also true for non romantic relationships.

[SteveinMN]

If someone doesn't like me the way I am they can move on.
After my divorce I became fearless about asking women for a date. I never took rejection personally. I figure that not every woman is my cup of tea, so why should I expect to be every woman's cup of tea? Ask, try, maybe have to move on.

And I say this as someone of average looks (albeit overweight) and who had lots of geek cred well before that was fashionable.

[iris lilies]

After my divorce I became fearless about asking women for a date. I never took rejection personally. I figure that not every woman is my cup of tea, so why should I expect to be every woman's cup of tea? Ask, try, maybe have to move on.

And I say this as someone of average looks (albeit overweight) and who had lots of geek cred well before that was fashionable.
Probably I would have liked you and your approach, Steve. While some women might have said to themselves “ Steve hits on everyone, I am not special “ but I would have viewed you as wanting to start out casually and in a friendly way.

[Yppej]

There are people who play hard to get and there are people who are genuinely hard to get because they are busy, or not inclined to just go out with anyone who asks.

[Ultralight]

There are people who play hard to get and there are people who are genuinely hard to get because they are busy...

This is actually a really good point.

Though I tend to avoid dating women who are just too busy.

[JaneV2.0]

We have discussed The Rules here before. I guess we have pretty much discussed everything.

I read that book and agree with it. It is not about teaching women to “play games,” it is about encouraging women to develop a rich life with lots of activities so that when potential romantic partners come along, you are not swarming them with attention, you legitimately have other things going on in your life. The book contains good advice about pacing a new relationship.

That idiotic concept “playing games”has always bugged me. It is a lifelong pet peeve, and I usually avoid those who use the term excessively, especially back in the days when I was dating. It meant to me that the man wanted a fast committment to regular and frequent one on one dates, and usually exclusively. If I didn't want to committ to that schedule I was “playing games” in his words. So when I told that boyfriend “dude, more than twice a week just isnt something I want to do,” that would be “playing gamez” for some men.

For those guys, they can fook right off.

Not allowing a relationship to unfold at a pace that is comfortable for me is churlish and self centered. Pacing is important, and negotiating the pace is part of building the relationship. I think it is important to remember that sometimes romantic partners are not obvious, they grow on you. I dont mean do not honor a woman’s “No” I mean dont put her in a position to have to regularly say “no.” Group meetips are good for that.

This thing with pacing is also true for non romantic relationships.

My pet peeve is apparently the polar opposite of yours. "Playing games" is just shorthand for being calculatedly false. Women have been schooled in
this "art" for generations--it's a time honored method for "catching a man." Bleah...

[SteveinMN]

While some women might have said to themselves “ Steve hits on everyone, I am not special “ but I would have viewed you as wanting to start out casually and in a friendly way.
Steve didn't hit on everyone (like everyone, I have my preferences) but I don't think the women I asked out knew of enough others to connect any dots. :)

To me, a first date was an opportunity to get to know a woman better. I never went into a first date thinking "This is the day our future together started" or even expecting more than a handshake at evening's end. My only criterion for asking for another date was "Did I have a good enough time to do this again?" I was OK if the answer was no (for either of us).