View Full Version : Question - how many close friends of colour do you have? OR How to be a friend
Based on the thread about a father's concern for his son being able to make friends with white people, I examined my own life
When i really thought about it, I have to confess that I have few friends that are of colour - brown, black or other.
I am friendly with everyone but have developed parameters for friends before I get close. I have one black acquaintance, one Pakastani
Neve thought about it before though. We live now and make our choices now.
Growing up in San Antonio TX, I had a lot of hispanic friends. It was just part and parcel. I loved that their families were large and tight as mine was the opposite. My first boyfriend was hispanic and I even lived in Mexico for a time as a young woman. I recall that there were only two black students throughout my public schooling there and both were children of household help. Every household in my neighborhood had one or two maids who did not speak English. Just the way it was in those times there. Up until I retired from a university setting, I had friends and acquaintances of all colors. Not so much here in Colorado and I miss that.
Williamsmith
11-12-17, 9:47pm
I just want to say.....I learned not to cast stones a long time ago. For the record, I’m not a racist. I was once a pig, however.
ToomuchStuff
11-13-17, 2:45am
Razz, maybe you should start with, how many close friends do you have?
Close friends, I think needs better defining.
I have very very few close friends outside my immediate family.
One is female and white, and my best friend in the whole world - our mothers worked in the same OB ward, and each helped deliver the other. Basically my favorite sister.
Two are male, and Jewish, and white. (I had three in this category, but one died just a year ago, my high school roommate, who had become a rabbi, and who was a really cool fellow.)
One is black, and from NYC.
One is Chinese.
One is from Vermont. White, but inbred.
One is a Democrat. And Navajo.
One is from Guam, and whatever color Guamanians are.
These are all friends who would drop everything to come help me bury a body :-)
rosarugosa
11-13-17, 4:41am
We have one friend who is quite close to us. We may not see her all the time, but there is a lot of love between us. Our town is not very diverse, and when I was in HS there were probably about 4 black students in the school, and she was one of them.
I am quite close to two black co-workers, but that is a different type of relationship. We don't socialize outside of work (I don't socialize with any of my co-workers outside of work).
I also do not have a lot of close friends outside of family, just no time for much socializing with my long commute and the early bedtime routine I have. Both my family and non-family friends are racially diverse. When I started my current job 7 months ago I came in determined to be friendly with everyone, but have connected most with a woman from Egypt who is of the same generation and interested in ideas and global issues. A lot of the white local yokels are cliquish and IMO superficial.
Chicken lady
11-13-17, 6:08am
Close friends - we’ll, if I were hospitalized, there are 4 people i’m not related to who should know. Three of them would visit me. The other one would come if I asked. They are all white. I went to school in a rural area in an isolated gifted program back when “gifted” meant “white or Asian”. I had 4 white friends then too. Two of them attended my school. I live in rural Ohio. My family is more diverse in almost every way than my friends - Age, race, religion, politics, economics, professions, lifestyle choices, geography. The exceptions I can think of being sexual orientation and family construction. I have one distant relative who is probably gay, but closeted, I have no known legally adopted relatives. (I actually consider one of the original 4 mentioned to be family)
Who you are friends with starts with who you meet and then moves to who you find connections with. So logically, your friends are going to have more demographics in common with you than the general population does. (All my close friends are parents and partnered)
when my my kids were small we lived in a college town. My “friends” were still all white, but my “people you would want at your birthday party” (my dd’s definition of friend) list was extremely diverse in ethnicity and nationality (except I would never have wanted to have that kind of birthday party, so it was more “people you would like to see one on one once a week or so”
when we we lived in Iowa my social group was defined by the wives of the men my dh worked with, and it was 25% (1 of 4) Hispanic. I also had one “friend” I made on my own who was Native American. (When I moved, I left all of those people behind, so none of them were actually friends, just “birthday party” friends)
Ultralight
11-13-17, 7:08am
I was once a pig...
A friend's father was a cop. When I was a kid he would say: "Pig stands for Pride, Integrity, and Generosity."
Ultralight
11-13-17, 7:14am
My closest friends:
-LaTonya: Black woman and Johns Hopkins educated pediatrician. Married to a blue collar white guy.
-Jeff: Ashkenazi Jewish atheist clinical social worker. Married to a white Methodist woman.
-Bill: The biggest SJW I know. Regular straight white guy. Social worker with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. Married to a half-Jewish woman.
goldensmom
11-13-17, 7:59am
Not something I think about. All of my friends and acquaintances have some variance in skin tone which I do not consider an issue. If I were to place value on a qualification as how to choose friends it would whether they a dog person or a cat person but that is a topic for another thread.
Razz, maybe you should start with, how many close friends do you have?
Close friends, I think needs better defining.
Good question! As others have mentioned, proximity creates friendships but not close friends. Different friends over the years have helped me refine the ore of my being and then moved on but their presence stays with me.
My parameters for close friends and reciprocated include freedom to think for myself and share those thoughts without being judged even if very different than theirs; being open emotionally; sharing challenges knowing that their support and love are there and they remind me of my strengths to deal with those challenges;
Some close friends have changed due to their new relationships that change their circle of friends. One white male in particular comes to mind.
Another close friend simply sits with me when I am emotionally hurting and gives me strength and support. She also gives me insights into what my need might be - eg., she stressed to me that whatever new home I chose after my DH's passing with " I cannot imagine you without a garden" and she was right. We share thoughts and challenges freely.
A group of 7 women share everything going on in their lives knowing that insights will be gained into understanding the challenges from diverse perspectives. We have made amazing discoveries in understanding and coping with fears for the world, our family and our future.
Another friend is available at short notice for whatever need arises as has happened. We are very different in our view of life.
One friend and I share spiritual insights and support at a totally different level than with anyone else. I know when she needs me and simply go to her.
I have a walking friend who has an extensive family, stable life-long residence in the same community but is confident enough to share freely knowing that nothing will ever be judged or discussed elsewhere. It has been interesting to see this develop resulting in mutual trust and acceptance.
So at the end of the day, beyond my family as others have mentioned, close friends are 'dear hearts' to me, loving me, accepting me and including me in their worlds without reserve as I do them. That usually takes time but not always.
Chicken lady
11-13-17, 8:09am
Seriously, dog people! >8) Two of my kids are dog people. I don’t know where I went wrong!
goldensmom
11-13-17, 8:10am
Seriously, dog people! >8) Two of my kids are dog people. I don’t know where I went wrong!
:D
catherine
11-13-17, 8:45am
Of my 125 Facebook friends, 5 are Asian and 4 are Black. Obviously I don't have 125 "close" friends, nor does Facebook represent ALL my friends and acquaintances. But I was trying to get a sense of the color of my social circle and adding up my friends on FB seemed like a reasonable way to do it.
Even though the proportion of my non-white friends is in the single digits, I live in an extremely diverse area, where I am actually probably the minority race in my neighborhood--the rest being Indian, Chinese, and Japanese. A lot of my FB friends are old friends from high school and college, where my exposure to non-whites was extremely small and limited. From my white-bread town in CT to the Catholic woman's college in NY, I had little chance to make friends of other races.
I don't think my prospects for cultivating non-white friends is going to grow--in fact, it will shrink if I move to Vermont, where the place I'm considering moving to is 97% white.
But I don't think people have to be socially integrated to simply expect everyone, no matter what race, to be treated fairly. Unfortunately, distrust from the people comes when those in power, whatever race that might be, undermines the common humanity of all people. I think that's the tone that the author in the article is describing.
iris lilies
11-13-17, 9:13am
We have a fairly wide circle of friends but none are black.
Over the years we have had black friends, but none at the moment.
Certainly we have black acquaintances with whom we are friendly. One gardening lady is almost “friend”status for me. I am pretty sure DH would count her as a “friend”because he plays cards with her.
SteveinMN
11-13-17, 10:00am
Very few close friends. Three, maybe. Widen the circle a level and I'll count my (biracial) stepdaughter; I could count a black guy I know/knew in our neighborhood but he moved and pointed his life in a different direction. I'm getting to know my (white) neighbor's new (black) wife and her (grown) kids. That's it. Thinking about it, it does not help that Minnesota (especially outstate) is overwhelmingly white and that, as a result, the places where I spend a lot of my time are filled with white people. The volunteers I work with at the food bank largely are white; they're older and retired and have the time and income to volunteer at a food bank during the day. They represent an older version of Minnesota/the Twin Cities. I do see people of color volunteering at some of the more public food bank events, but in very small numbers. Folk dancing is another very white activity -- again, lots of older native Minnesotans, many of them from rural backgrounds. I think I can count on one hand the number of non-white folk dancers I've met around here. The ratio likely is better in other major cities. Our neighborhood is fairly diverse, but I'm not so social that I've developed many friends at all in it; mostly acquaintances.
Williamsmith
11-13-17, 10:10am
Close friends.......who are not my family....very few and far between. I have a tightly guarded circle. Nobody gets into it without proving their loyalty over time. I value self sufficiency and tend to attract friends who do the same. So we usually suffer the trials and tribulations of life on our own. Sensing a breaking point, we step in and offer each other emotional support just by our presence. But I don’t expect nor want anyone to go out of their way for me. There are a lot of people on the outside of the circle but very few who come and go. Yes, most of them I worked with. Some of them I suffered with. One of them, saved my life risking his own. Close friendship is it seems to me a great roll of the dice. I don’t like rolling craps so I keep people at arms length. But I’ll share things with a perfect stranger that I wouldn’t dump on a friend. If that makes sense.
Because of my experience with prejudice against humans in uniform....I tend to be disgusted with any first impressions based solely on ones outer shell. I find the racism discussion to be utterly useless. Black is black. White is white. If somebody is a jerk to you because of your skin color....well that’s a great motivator. Go out and conquer.
JaneV2.0
11-13-17, 10:48am
I've had a wide variety of "first ring' friends over the years--black, Chinese, Hispanic, LGBT, Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, etc. But my core friendships now are limited to a few, including my Mexican-American mate, an LGBT relative or two, and someone I've known since fourth grade.
iris lilies
11-13-17, 10:57am
I dont see how Jews count as being “of colour” but whatever. If we get to count Jews, can we count gay people? Then, I can rack up quite a few virtue points.
Before they moved we had as friends/frenemies a gay couple, both black men. That should count for double points.
They were friends because they were super gardeners and we socialized in many plots, traded plants, attended the same parties. They were enemies because they always backed The Garden Diva who really seems to lead gay men around by the nose. Sometimes one is closer to one’s frenemies than friends. The frenemies occupy time and resources, space in your head.
JaneV2.0
11-13-17, 11:33am
I dont see how Jews count as being “of colour” but whatever. If we get to count Jews, can we count gay people? Then, I can rack up quite a few virtue points.
Before they moved we had as friends/frenemies a gay couple, both black men. That should count for double points.
They were friends because they were super gardeners and we socialized in many plots, traded plants, attended the same parties. They were enemies because they always backed The Garden Diva who really seems to lead gay men around by the nose. Sometimes one is closer to one’s frenemies than friends. The frenemies occupy time and resources, space in your head.
It strikes me it's a diversity thing. I grew up in a neighborhood with lots of Catholics and Jews. At school, we took turns saying a prayer before lunch (what a throwback!) and we were quite ecumenical. I also think it's interesting that my SO has Jewish forebears, when I expected to and don't. The spice of life.
ApatheticNoMore
11-13-17, 12:08pm
I also do not have a lot of close friends outside of family, just no time for much socializing with my long commute and the early bedtime routine I have.
+1 yea commuting 2 hours a day, intend to be more social don't always have the energy but probably will try again, and my boyfriend is just a white guy (sorry about that - he's technically half Hispanic due to South American ancestry, but you have to know Latin America has a lot of white guys without a drop of non-European blood, blue eyed south Americans pretty much)
When I started my current job 7 months ago I came in determined to be friendly with everyone, but have connected most with a woman from Egypt who is of the same generation and interested in ideas and global issues. A lot of the white local yokels are cliquish and IMO superficial.
Yes I was determined to be friendly but it's as cliquish as junior high, junior high all over again, are you "in with the in-crowd?" But it's not about race or anything, it's equal opportunity. Truthfully I think on some level I don't like nor trust WHITE collar people. How about that for color discrimination? :) But not everyone, not even all the white collar sorts are bad or anything it's just everything that really matters there depends on fitting in with an in-crowd, junior high all over.
Many of my ancestors are Jewish.
Teacher Terry
11-13-17, 12:13pm
When I lived in the MIdwest I had many friends of color. Then I moved here and the first thing I said are: "Where are all the black people?" Here the minority is HIspanic and they are among my friends. Also when I went to college many of the students are Asian and that was my first experience being friends with people from that group. When I lived in upstate NY there were no other races besides white. So I think it really depends on where you live if you have the opportunity to be friends with people from other races.
The Storyteller
11-13-17, 1:01pm
I have a number of friends, some of whom are people of color and a few from various countries, but only 3 I would consider "close" friends. Meaning I would pretty much tell them anything. One I've known for 50 years, the other two for 35 or so. All three of them are white, so I have zero advice for you.
In my predominantly white Texas high school, though, all of my good friends that I hung out and did pretty much everything with were Hispanic or black except two.
When I lived in the MIdwest I had many friends of color. Then I moved here and the first thing I said are: "Where are all the black people?" Here the minority is HIspanic and they are among my friends. Also when I went to college many of the students are Asian and that was my first experience being friends with people from that group. When I lived in upstate NY there were no other races besides white. So I think it really depends on where you live if you have the opportunity to be friends with people from other races.
True. The PNW has long been a white-dominated culture. I used to love going to San Francisco, getting on a cross-town bus, and hearing all the different languages spoken (once a language major...) Now, with IT and all, we're coming around.
I dont see how Jews count as being “of colour” but whatever.
In relatively recent historical times, Jews were viewed as "different" than "Caucasians". And suffered terribly because of it.
I used to argue that Jewishness was a religion and not a separate ethnic group, but according to books I've read lately, because they were a relatively isolated group, they can easily be traced genetically. Ashkenazi separate from Sephardic, even.
iris lilies
11-13-17, 3:56pm
In relatively recent historical times, Jews were viewed as "different" than "Caucasians". And suffered terribly because of it.
Sure, but the thread title specifically asks for "friends of colour." I am a tiny bit "on the spectrum" so I take things literally. :D Being on the spectrum might give me some cred in victimology, so I will play that up and maybe earn some points in being my own friend if we really are not interpreting this as color thing but more as a diversity thing.
Sure, but the thread title specifically asks for "friends of colour."
Well, the whole definition of "of colour" and "white" needs a bit of thinking...
I used to argue that Jewishness was a religion and not a separate ethnic group, but according to books I've read lately, because they were a relatively isolated group, they can easily be traced genetically. Ashkenazi separate from Sephardic, even.
Then there's the interesting case of the Lemba people of Zimbabwe/South Africa...
Well, the whole definition of "of colour" and "white" needs a bit of thinking...
It seems to me that the premise of this thread is that only white people read it so it's a good place to show our street cred in having 'other' friends. I'll choose not to play.
While it is your choice to participate, the OP was directly linked to the story of a man of self-affirmed note of colour's article and concern about his son's future making friends with white folks. I did raise the issue of the white people in Africa who suffered discrimination because of colour of a different hue.
You have taken it as a street cred question and a premise of only white people participating, although no such limits were imposed that I am aware of. Please demonstrate this bias.
It seems to me that the premise of this thread is that only white people read it so it's a good place to show our street cred in having 'other' friends. I'll choose not to play.
Ha! I'm just an old white woman from the burbs--Not a shred of cred here.
iris lilies
11-13-17, 6:39pm
It seems to me that the premise of this thread is that only white people read it so it's a good place to show our street cred in having 'other' friends. I'll choose not to play.
We used to have an African American friend, Jeff who lived behind us. He was friends eith several of us here on the block. In our group was a loud mouthed woman of liberal political persuasion. Sometimes she was comical, she was so loud and talky and strident about various liberal causes. Kind of like our peggy here. She probably would have died of apoplexy at some of Donald Trumpks tweets, but she is already dead. anyway...
...More than once I observed her introduce us around to her friends from other places and she made an embarrassingly big deal about her BLACK friend, Jeff. The rest of us were chopped liver.
When Jeff killed his wife, the loud mouth woman loudly lamented GUNS and etc, because, you know, that gun just jumped into Jeff’s hands and fired.
I guess I flunk whatever test this thread is grading.
I've lived in the PacNW my entire life. I had no fellow students at the school I attended all 12 years who were not white. My current employer has not one black nor Hispanic employee. At a former employer I had one coworker who was born in Delhi. One. But, I've worked alongside many gays, and there is one transgender person in my current workplace.
ETA, I guess what I'm saying is there have been few opportunities for me to acquire non-white friendships. Actually, I don't have many friends, period. There's that.
ApatheticNoMore
11-14-17, 2:05am
truthfully I have often been friends (to a degree, hanging out anyway) with anyone willing to have me as a friend who liked to spend time in any way I did. Basically true, whether it's non-judgemental or just lonely... shrug, kinda both really.
But I don't tend to have best friends most of the time period. Yes I could say my bf is my best friend sure ha, at other times in my life well a much older white guy was once a very good totally platonic friend of me (he moved away etc.). You get no diversity points I guess for a 30 year age difference and being good friends who hang out all the time, but it's probably not that typical. People probably SHOULD get diversity points for having friends much older or much younger than them (that aren't their family members of course). It's not really encouraged in this society at all, much less so in many ways than cross race friends.
But how I could be kind of guilty as charged of not being diverse enough is I'm not sure everything I like to go to socially is "diversity central". None of it is all white, nothing would be here (cept maybe a KKK gathering and that is definitely not what I like socially), However many things attract somewhat disproportionately white people. So some people's social circles will tend white yes ... if they are into say Sierra club meetings or something well environmentalism itself is pretty darn white etc..
Where you choose to live has a big impact. When looking for a house my criteria included a place with diverse public schools and tolerance. To measure the latter I had the Southern Poverty Law Center send me a list of places in my state with reported hate crimes/hate activities and I avoided them.
ToomuchStuff
11-14-17, 10:55am
Good question! As others have mentioned, proximity creates friendships but not close friends. Different friends over the years have helped me refine the ore of my being and then moved on but their presence stays with me.
My parameters for close friends and reciprocated include freedom to think for myself and share those thoughts without being judged even if very different than theirs; being open emotionally; sharing challenges knowing that their support and love are there and they remind me of my strengths to deal with those challenges;
That is not a definition I would have used. By that standard, I guess I have lots of close friends with the things that have been shared.
In my mind, I would have an issue coming up with a best man, let alone groomsmen if I was getting married.
We were the only white family on the block where I grew up till I was five . We moved to the suburbs and I asked my mom where are all the black kids ? She said there aren't any black kids here . So I asked who am I gonna play with ? She said the white kids. I was afraid of them, but I ended up making friends with four girls who are still my friends 50 years later. My grade school was all-white Catholic but my high school was public school and they bussed people in to make it 50% white and 50% black. I have a lot of black friends at school but we didn't get together after school . We lived too far apart . My neighborhood is now changing to black and Hispanic and I'm friendly with all of my neighbors . I consider my next-door neighbor a friend she's Hispanic . My weight watcher group is mostly black and I have several good friends among them. I guess I make friends based on proximity. My best friend is Serbian . We met in college she was in the room next to me. See I'm just lazy !
That is not a definition I would have used. By that standard, I guess I have lots of close friends with the things that have been shared.
In my mind, I would have an issue coming up with a best man, let alone groomsmen if I was getting married.
Clarify this please. Too many to choose from or not feeling comfortable with any particular one? Maybe I don't understand the challenge of choosing a best man. Some best man choices last a long time but others are short-term as are bridesmaids.
Had a delightful experience of knowing a best man being a woman and both the marriage and friendship thrived in comfort.
ToomuchStuff
11-15-17, 2:49am
Clarify this please. Too many to choose from or not feeling comfortable with any particular one? Maybe I don't understand the challenge of choosing a best man. Some best man choices last a long time but others are short-term as are bridesmaids.
Had a delightful experience of knowing a best man being a woman and both the marriage and friendship thrived in comfort.
Your definition means I would have many "close friends" to choose from. My view of close friendships, means that I wouldn't be able to fill the position, let alone the other positions. Best man, is just as an example, which would first require being close to someone else.
BikingLady
11-15-17, 1:43pm
Razz, maybe you should start with, how many close friends do you have?
Close friends, I think needs better defining.
I have few "close" friends never have had close friends. Really it all depended where I lived. Growing up in the north we had zero other than white at our public schools. 18 moving to San Antonio I was the only white girl waiting tables most the time, so for those couple years all my friends were of Mexican descent. Living in TN for a few years it was a very mixed area so all friends were of assorted races.
Back in the north again, well it's just the area we live. I found all the people I have ever became friends with all shared the same interests or spot in life as I did.
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