View Full Version : anyone else having a hard time/sexual allegations
Zoe Girl
11-18-17, 10:57am
It has reached a threshold for me, the sexual allegations are affecting my mental health. It is good in that way you get old sh&& out of your system. And it is never convenient. I have been remembering things, not like repressed memories but things that were not okay. I feel snappy, randomly angry, wanting to check out and fantasize about a decent world instead of facing that we have years of this painful shift in our society. Knowing that this shift to awareness, understanding, healing will also include victim-shaming, a backtrack at some point, and baby steps to better. I have had a really global awareness and feeling of pain, I think about what has happened to me and it seems so minor, no way to actually address it. I could pay for therapy and that just makes me angry too,
I am working with it in my own way, but wondering if other people are dealing with memories or reactions to this.
I feel your anger Zoe Girl. The frustration that this is still a problem and that it will NEVER be solved. You have a plan of meditation and perhaps some letting go. Therapy helps. I have to keep thinking that getting all this poison out in the open might help change things. Sadly, I don't have a lot of faith in people.
JaneV2.0
11-18-17, 11:17am
Not really. I regret a couple of consensual encounters you might call "pity sex," but I see all the crude passes, etc. in the same light I would see any rude behavior. I respond to the situation and move on. Of course no one should be subjected to rudeness; you have to pick your battles.
I wouldn't give someone else's misbehavior space in my head, let alone ruminate on it endlessly.
Zoe Girl
11-18-17, 11:35am
I think it will pass somewhat, a lot of this is total exhaustion lately. Makes me more sensitive. Some memories of bad stuff, actually a big factor in my career choices was because I couldn't take the constant crap of harassment including touching, the jokes, and then the normal being talked over, discounted and ignored. I don't know how much everyone else dealt with, I also got it from women because I was 'cute', I got a lot of attention starting by age 12, I dealt with some female jealousy because I was getting so much male attention. It really shaped my life, I became a runner actually because of it. The playground supervisors said I liked the boy attention so they wouldn't do anything. I was caught once by the boys, after that I spent my recess jogging and sprinting. They never caught me again and I was the fastest girl at the end of 6th grade, only 3 boys beat me in the mile. I hadn't thought about these things, how long ago they started, how they shaped my life for better and worse, in a long time.
Of course I am having a hard time.
I am electing henceforth to limit the amount of time I think about these incidents in my own life, because really, that's the kind of reflection you only want to do with support, and even then you are going to limit the amount of time you spend doing that reflection. Otherwise very quickly one slips into rumination which is a trigger for and an activity of, the mind in depression.
Cognitive therapy insights-your thoughts will be evidenced in chemical changes in your body. As asthmatic, too much rumination will definitely result in life threatening asthma in my case. I cannot go there.
Suggest you think of limiting this kind of reflection, and tune out t the news. If you do not want to do that, then only go there when you have support of good therapist.
One good thing about aging is no more catcall whistles, but even at my age there is a jerk at the supermarket who verbally harasses me and other patrons. I avoid that store afternoons and evenings. If I want to shop then I go to a different one of their locations. So ZG I hope you are in a better place now than you were then, and it continues to get better with age.
goldensmom
11-18-17, 1:30pm
I think the media does not think beyond the initial hype and damage their reporting will do the alleged (until proven guilty) perpetrator whether is it of a sexual matter or ‘fake’ news or whatever. Just as certain incidents ignite trauma for those with PTSD, those with sexual trauma in their past can also be brought back to the trauma with the explosion of and continual replaying of sexual abuse pieces on the news. With a little thought of others first, this epidemic of sensationalism we are experiencing can be quelled but I don’t have much hope that it will happen. I avoid the news as much as I can just because much of it is more mean spirited than informative....maybe that would work for sexual abuse issues also???
One good thing about aging is no more catcall whistles, but even at my age there is a jerk at the supermarket who verbally harasses me and other patrons. I avoid that store afternoons and evenings. If I want to shop then I go to a different one of their locations. So ZG I hope you are in a better place now than you were then, and it continues to get better with age.
Have you talked back to him? Have you talked to the manager? In what way does he harass you? I guess I have lost my inhibitions of speaking out in my "old age". It feels good.
I'm sorry this happens to you. You seem like a person who speaks out, so I was just wondering if you did in this case.
I never spoke out when I was young, due to an authoritarian father. In my middle age, I probably over-compensated and spoke out too much. I like to think I've found a happy medium.......but one never knows.
Someone here mentioned that their therapist kept trying to get her to remember that she may have been sexually abused. When I was in counseling about 10 years ago, my therapist was extremely careful to not put those kinds of ideas in my head.
On one hand, I was a bit put-off, since I know that repressed memories are a real phenomenon.......on the other hand, I think it was responsible of her to not put the ideas in my head. I think that was a thing that therapists did for awhile, and it didn't turn out well.
Honestly i am in a very good place, and alittle pissed that I am remembering and that i don't trust the worldnas changed enough. I have some friends who are really having stuff come up, we are hanging together however. I really think about those who never said anything, now are seeing so much hitting the news and are alone.
My daughter had a great insight when she saw they were making a movie based on the aurora theater shooting (she is a survivor). She was really upset aboutthe it and then thought about all the true crime and based on true crime shows she has watched. How must the family of that victim feel to have the story of their loved one told so publicly? She decided she didnt want to tp watch true crime any more. She shares the empathy for the world thing with me, none of us can watch tv news
dado potato
11-18-17, 3:21pm
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by news fatigue. In my case I believe it is because I am allowing too much exposure to "breaking news" on the cable news channel of choice in our household. I get relief by giving cable news a rest.
I think it is possible to take control so that I still get a feed of credible investigative journalism, while being tuned out of cable news. A low cost way is to subscribe to ProPublica.org stories via email. I would only open the stories that interest me. If I know that stories about rape and sexual assault tend to upset me, I can simply delete those stories unread. Or, if I start reading something and it reaches a level of disgust, I can hit the delete key.
(I also have a print subscription to the Sunday New York Times, and with that I get a daily news feed from NYT by email. This is more costly than ProPublica. I treat the NYT News and Opinion feed the same way -- only reading that which interests me.)
Socially I may find myself in a group that is animatedly talking about a recent sensational news item that I really don't know anything about. I cannot contribute anything to these discussions... but I can sometimes change the subject.
catherine
11-18-17, 4:22pm
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by news fatigue.
Me too. I can't stand watching the news anymore. Years ago I saw a documentary where I learned for the first time that only 6 corporations own all the major news outlets. From then on, I consider watching the news entertaining, but certainly not a good resource for critical thinking. It's a propaganda machine, as far as I'm concerned.
goldensmom
11-18-17, 5:07pm
Me too. I can't stand watching the news anymore. Years ago I saw a documentary where I learned for the first time that only 6 corporations own all the major news outlets. From then on, I consider watching the news entertaining, but certainly not a good resource for critical thinking. It's a propaganda machine, as far as I'm concerned.
So true. Unless it’s ‘just the facts ma’am’ it’s all propaganda. One side saying we have the truth (usually simply opinion) and the other side is wrong whereas in reality it is propaganda versus propaganda. We all filter what we hear through our own world view and experience. I remember when I first learned about ‘yellow journalism’ in school. I sure think most of the news today fit’s the definition of yellow journalism, ‘exaggeration, sensationalism and scandal mongering’. The news channels are heavy laden with opinion and scant on facts. It’s important to recognize this and to not get caught up in the fray. I wonder if part of the problem is that there are so many 24 hours news channel and internet websites that fill time with editorials and opinions whereas 40 or so years ago there were a limited news sources, therefore, more likely to present ‘just the facts’. People have an unhealthy tendency to gravitate toward the sensational. Like gossip…..walk away.
Maybe it's my OCD, or my being sort of a hermit, but I feel addicted to the news. It makes me mad many times, but I just can't seem to break the habit. Part of me doesn't want to miss something of importance.
I do watch CBS in the mornings, since they seem to be less nonsense than ABC or NBC, but sometimes I turn it off after a half hour because I know the important stuff is over.
Yes, it is sort of an addiction........which is fun for awhile, but then becomes a heavy weight on one's shoulders. And, unfortunately, there's too much truth in some of the things going on.........shootings, other crimes, lies, all the sexual allegations, the commercials that are just plain not true, and on and on. Even if it doesn't depress us in a conscious way, surely it takes a toll on our wellbeing.
Have you talked back to him? Have you talked to the manager? In what way does he harass you? I guess I have lost my inhibitions of speaking out in my "old age". It feels good.
I'm sorry this happens to you. You seem like a person who speaks out, so I was just wondering if you did in this case.
I never spoke out when I was young, due to an authoritarian father. In my middle age, I probably over-compensated and spoke out too much. I like to think I've found a happy medium.......but one never knows.
No, I am afraid he would follow me to the parking lot and key my car or slash my tires or something. My avoidance plan has worked.
goldensmom
11-18-17, 9:31pm
Yes, it is sort of an addiction........ Even if it doesn't depress us in a conscious way, surely it takes a toll on our wellbeing.
I think watching/reading news can be an addiction (maybe because it tickles something base within us) and like any addition it does take it’s toll. There has to be a conscious decision to change. For example, I would find myself ruminating over something I heard on the news and not in a good way. I prepared for three days to cut back on watching cable news, then to only watch local news, which is actual news and not opinion, and the 30 minute national news on a major station. I am not a ‘quit cold turkey’ type of person, I have to prepare, prepare, prepare. It worked. I felt a sense of not only accomplishment but it cleared my head for more productive thoughts.
JaneV2.0
11-18-17, 10:47pm
I'm a recovering news junkie (Hi, Jane!)--the Trump era cured me overnight, along with my local station having been bought by Sinclair--a virulent Foxesque outlet. I get more than enough news in my FB newsfeed and in the one or two hours of commentary I allow myself at night.
flowerseverywhere
11-18-17, 11:18pm
No, I am afraid he would follow me to the parking lot and key my car or slash my tires or something. My avoidance plan has worked.
think about writing an anonymous letter. Worth the price of a stamp if you can help someone who is unable to avoid him.
BikingLady
11-19-17, 8:23am
I am glad to see I am not the only one with news fatigue. Trying only to look at headlines that I find relevant, but the distractions just pop up. Today I read the local paper of my father's town, just to see what was happening there locally. Oh the representative released a statement:U.S. Rep. Debbie Dingell added her name Friday to those who have been sexually harassed, saying a "prominent" person tried to put his hand up her skirt decades ago. No name mentioned.
It is impossible to get away from unless I go under a rock.
BikingLady
11-19-17, 8:24am
I want to add I feel for all those affected by this topic and every other topic out there today. I just do not like to see all consuming of one topic on the news.
Williamsmith
11-19-17, 11:43am
For me it means ....Get outside. Get away from the technological overload. A simple walk in a forested area will reduce the impact of the instant news cycles albeit temporarily.
It has been reported that our attention span has decreased from 12 seconds to 8 seconds since the introduction of the smartphone. And it is reported that a goldfish has an attention span of 9 seconds. In addition, the use of an iPad or smartphone simultaneously while watching television.....dual screening... contributes to attention deficits for the brain. All of which provides a place for the afflictions of pshychological imbalance to root themselves.
Our 24/7 hookup with technology conditions our brain to wait for input rather than create healthy supportive ideas. The input that is mostly available in our environment is bad news, fearmongering, judging and threatening language.
We could probably benefit from the old sixties meme....”Turn on, tune in, drop out.” Turn your thoughts inward, interact with the world “harmoniously” , detach yourself from involuntary influences.
The biggest barrier for me is other people’s shaming me into meeting their expectations. It drags me back into the technological black hole.
pinkytoe
11-19-17, 12:04pm
I am definitely an information addict but consider most "news" these days as more like propaganda or even "entertainment." Promoting fear is definitely part of the news angle. Seeing "who blew up who" makes us feel safe perhaps since it is usually far removed. I will mention that CBS always closes their evening news with a positive story which I really appreciate.
williamsmith, I agree that going outdoors for a walk does wonders. I control what news I see, mainly by not watching on tv, only reading the newspaper and then skipping whatever I KNOW will mess me up. I have my computer (no phone on unless I am away from the house and expecting to need to call..) set so that NO NEWS feeds come up except Facebook where I can't seem to avoid them, but I'm good at NOT clicking! I know it helps. We also have our house phone on the answering machine always. I f I could get my husband to not watch the 7:00 CBS news I'd be happier, but he only watches that now and one local for the weather.
Williamsmith
11-19-17, 12:15pm
williamsmith, I agree that going outdoors for a walk does wonders. I control what news I see, mainly by not watching on tv, only reading the newspaper and then skipping whatever I KNOW will mess me up. I have my computer (no phone on unless I am away from the house and expecting to need to call..) set so that NO NEWS feeds come up except Facebook where I can't seem to avoid them, but I'm good at NOT clicking! I know it helps. We also have our house phone on the answering machine always. I f I could get my husband to not watch the 7:00 CBS news I'd be happier, but he only watches that now and one local for the weather.
Im in a similar situation as probably millions are. My wife and I don’t see eye to eye on methods to eliminate the dominance of technology. We have four TVs. One in each of two bedrooms, one in a sunroom and one in the living room. Keep in mind this is a condo with total square footage of 1700 including a two car garage. We need four TVs like ....well we don’t. But getting rid of one is a non starter. She’s got a smartphone...I have a flip phone which I leave in the drawer all the time...which annoys her. Somehow we keep harmony with each other because there are enough things we agree on to override our differences. I do believe the constant instant news is the primary problem with mental imbalance. Our brain isn’t wired to accept all of that at one time.
Teacher Terry
11-19-17, 4:08pm
WS: 4 Tv's for 2 people is a lot. WE have one in the living room and one in our bedroom. I see the need for 2 so if you want to watch different shows there are no issues.
ApatheticNoMore
11-19-17, 4:17pm
I am working with it in my own way, but wondering if other people are dealing with memories or reactions to this.
No. But it's not appropriate to have sexual harassment in the workplace of course (and some things of course are not acceptable anywhere). Of course every kind of unmentionable variety of hell goes on in the workplace because power corrupts, but there are very strict laws on sexual harassment now, and it's a good thing.
Honestly I think I must have always given very strong stay away vibes because noone has done anything inappropriate to me or even ever said anything inappropriate to me (cept maybe that guy that hugged me too tight in high school, and well slightly abusive date situations - not date rape - nothing that extreme) and I haven't gotten a catcall since high school. I think what I kind of am sometimes is a target for bullying of sorts though.
catherine
11-19-17, 4:21pm
When it comes to TVs we've historically been pretty conservative. We were the last people probably in our town that got a color TV. We only got one because my MIL bought us one for Christmas. This is not 1964 I'm talking about--it was probably about 1983. And of course, we only had one TV. We were also the last people around to get cable. I had 4 kids and I didn't like the content of cable TV, and as far as I was concerned, 3 broadcast channels and 2 local channels was fine.
We carried on with one TV for a very long time, and at some point we put 2nd 13" TV in our bedroom. However, I got mad when DH would come in after I'd gone to bed and turn it on, so I demanded we remove it. Back to the one TV.
A couple of years ago, during Christmas season, I decided that it would be a good idea to have a second TV in our spare room in case the kids came down and wanted to watch something. And, as Teacher Terry said, I thought maybe if I wanted to watch my own show instead of Deadliest Catch or Gold Rush, I could. But I don't think I've ever used that TV. I like to unwind with TV, but I'm not that fussy about shows, except for my favorite reality shows like DWTS, American Idol and Project Runway.
Project Runway was a treat for me this season; I was surprised and pleased by the winner.
catherine
11-19-17, 5:46pm
Project Runway was a treat for me this season; I was surprised and pleased by the winner.
Same here!
1 TV in the house. DH has 1 in his woodshop because he can spend MANY hours in there. I don't have/do not want a TV in my quilt studio. Music and fabric. That's it!
Williamsmith
11-19-17, 7:56pm
Good news. The wife agreed to ditch the sunroom tv and let me replace it with a turntable to play records on. It’s basically a music room anyway.
I'm with your, Gardnr! That's our exact setup. And I spend a lot of time in my sewing room, because there's just only so much Guy Fieri I can tolerate.
ApatheticNoMore
11-20-17, 6:30pm
neither me nor my bf own a t.v.. I know, we are annoying that way :~)
BikingLady
11-21-17, 12:04pm
One tv here. Husband flicks it on for about an hour a week total. Way to huge cable bill,,,,but I have shut it off sometimes, then he feels like we must be going without if it's not there to flick. Somethings are not worth the disagreement.
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