Family dynamics

[pinkytoe]

DH and I spent the better chunk of our lives as young and middle-aged adults spending every holiday and special occasion with his parents. It started benignly enough with Christmas spent at their house every year when DD was little but continued ad nauseam for 30 years. I yearned to have our own lives and traditions all those years but it never happened because DH was under their thumb. His two siblings had left the state at an early age to live their own lives so we were the ones who still lived fairly close and it was an expectation in this very tight-knit German family that we had better show up. Fast forward - FIL passed away a little over a year ago coincidentally just as we had made up our minds to retire out of state. To the rest of the family, it must have appeared that we were bailing at a bad time. Now MIL is in a frail state in her house and is waited on hand and foot by the two sibs - one who moved back and the other who flies in frequently. They have both been appointed power of attorney for her estate. DH was not informed nor does he have any copies of paperwork. Any efforts to work with them on her care are not responded to. MIL's estate is generous so of course one begins to imagine... It seems really odd to me that they were not around all those years but now are so devoted to her. Then again I have never understood how any family can be this tight since I didn't grow up in one like that. Thinking we should continue on with our lives here - finally on our own. It still feels like binding strings even though we are so far away. Glad I'm an orphan sometimes...and wondering if this whole situation is "normal"?

[Yppej]

My father apologized to me once for the constrained manner in which he raised us children, always trying to meet the expectations, many just implied, of his father, who was of German origin and subculture. (His mother died young.) Although his father lived 3,000 miles away he said it was freeing when he passed away.

[Chicken lady]

When my grandfather remarried, my youngest uncle was bitter and said that she was marrying him for his money. My father - the only in town “child” responded “if she stays with him a year, she’ll have earned every penny.” Ten years later she inherited all but $70,000 split evenly between his three sons and her 4 children. (one of her children had never spoken to my grandfather.) she was underpaid. (And kind, and gracious, and she made sure I got the sentimental items that mattered to me. - vastly underpaid.)

[razz]

Don't get caught up in the vicious spiral of inheritances or family manipulative politics. You have your life, your new location of your choice. You did what was needed for family for years and can have peace of mind knowing that. Try not to see them as devious etc., as it will only enable them to have power over your thoughts and interactions with them.

[Tybee]

Things change as death arrives. I say God bless your sibs if they want to do the heavy lifting with your mil.
My parents are aging rapidly and no one lives near. It is a horrible situation. I think you are lucky to have someone near your husband's mother, to take care of her in what must be a very frightening time for her.
I figure inheritances are not inheritances until someone is actually gone. Your poor mil may need that money to care for her in a nursing home or pay for medical bills and care.
Can you possibly let it go, the idea of not inheriting, or your attachment to the inheritance, and enjoy your home that you worked so hard to get?

[SteveinMN]

What razz and Tybee said.

Unless your economic future depends on that estate, walk away from that part of it and know you did the right things when you could (i.e., when you lived near the in-laws) and that at least someone else in the family has stepped up at a time when stepping up is needed. The impending disability/death of parents brings out weird stuff in people (who now have at least some sort of deadline in which to act). There's going to be lots of drama (who was it who was having problems with sister wanting to handle cleaning out the parents' house just so (that is, her way)?) and lots said out of emotion that would never break silence if even a moment was spent before speaking. Don't let it drag you into anything of which you don't want to be part.

[pinkytoe]

It is hard to break free from but one of the reasons I wanted to move far away. Yes, we are eternally grateful that his sis is there to look after her whatever the reason.