My MIL that just went to assisted living has not adjusted- likely just too early

[herbgeek]

She was in denial the whole time that she would be moving (there's no dementia, she was just hoping for a miracle). She packed nothing. Hubby did the best he could to work with her and take her orders as to what to bring, but she forgot shoes and underwear. So first day hubby had to go purchase underwear.

Yesterday we took the day to enjoy ourselves. Today we spent 7 hours starting to clean out the apartment. This woman was a serious hoarder. So much junk, rickety falling apart furniture, dust and grime. She really should have listened to my husband when he tried to get her to move 10 years ago. We packed at least 8 garbage bags of junk, a whole section of a room of stuff that is going to our "take it or leave it" shed at our recycling center (dozens and dozens of vases, candle holders etc- maybe someone will want them) and hundreds and hundreds of pictures. We spent hours taking them out of frames (most of which fell apart instantly) so we could pile them up by sibling to mail them. 4 of the 6 kids are hundreds of miles away. We haven't even really touched the place yet. There is crap on every surface, tables piled on tables with stuff on them, items with worn electrical plugs in ratty extension cords plugged into other extension cords. Its a wonder she 1) didn't have a fire 2) didn't collapse under all those items toppling down.

On the way home from her apartment, we dropped off the shoes and the underwear. She was determined to be pissy. Would not acknowledge me, nothing but complaints to my husband. He was doing everything wrong. She wanted him to drive back to her apartment and pick up her melatonin. I flat out said no to another 80 mile round trip. Husband says he'll bring them tomorrow. She keeps asking multiple times. Hub says we spent the day sorting pictures. She didn't like that. She wanted the kids to come pick them up. He reminds her that one is in FL, another in SC and another in IA. She's upset we took them out of the frames. After about 1/2 hour of complaints, we leave. And she starts with the sarcasm, "oh go have some FUN".

You know how you hear about these old people in homes, how no ever comes to visit with them? I know why. She is really determined to be unhappy.

[Zoe Girl]

oh so sorry, I hope it at least felt good to finally get in there and clean finally. I know that you both know that this was necessary but still not easy when you are in the middle of being complained to.

[Simplemind]

I feel your pain...... I really do.

[BikingLady]

:(

[razz]

One very wise nurse in a nursing home gave me an intelligent and loving answer to my question of "how do you cope with such challenging people?". Her answer changed how I saw those with advancing dementia and other issues. She replied very gently, " I simply see them as small children". See MIL as a frightened child and respond accordingly, gently but firmly. Hard to do, I know, but it does work.
Those with advanced dementia are seen as toddlers. That nurse was an inspiration for many.

[mschrisgo2]

From my observation of other families, she will probably "kick and scream" when you and/or DH are there, for a while. All while settling in, but she won't want you to see that she is comfortable there. And probably the less you share about what you are doing with her previous home, the better for the two of you, i.e. "we divided the pictures into piles, one for everybody" rather than all the details he shared. It's hard for her to argue with sharing with siblings, but she could latch onto the frames and criticize and complain. Also, probably a good time to begin setting limits, 2nd complaint, you/DH leave. She can only verbally abuse you if you are present. And I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It will get better.

[Tammy]

I agree - I don’t think you should tell her anything about her house other than the bare necessity of info. Of course she may just keep asking ... since there’s no dementia ...

You may need to set strict limits around the frequency of your visits. Also with the understanding that if she has certain behaviors you are cutting the visit short.

[Tybee]

My parents tried so hard to die in their home. We are faced with similar cleanup that you are doing. They can't return home their medical needs are too great. It is heartbreaking to lose your home, and I see how it has caused them to lose their bearings completely. It is just a slow horrifying death. I hope your mil can adjust as this is such a cruel process for someone to be forced by life and bad luck into a nursing home.

[JaneV2.0]

... I hope your mil can adjust as this is such a cruel process for someone to be forced by life and bad luck into a nursing home.

My feelings exactly.

[razz]

I visited a number of nursing homes providing oral care especially when the new residents first arrived. While there were some homes that were less than perfect, many provided really good care. Once the transition into the nursing home was made, I would see residents bloom as they were receiving regular meals, social contact that many had missed in their decline at home and they felt secure in a routine. The most important part to receiving good care is a vigorous active advocate for the resident ensuring that they are receiving proper care and attention from staff. Stay on top of changes in both mental and physical health and changes in diet. Recognize that the resident is no longer as aware of the troubled world outside so interests may be very limited. Don't bring your troubles into the nursing home.

Wanted to add; the staff of nursing homes are just people who are trying their best according to their circumstances. Try to help enable them succeed in providing proper care rather than harshly judging; acknowledge and thank when merited.

[Tybee]

One very wise nurse in a nursing home gave me an intelligent and loving answer to my question of "how do you cope with such challenging people?". Her answer changed how I saw those with advancing dementia and other issues. She replied very gently, " I simply see them as small children". See MIL as a frightened child and respond accordingly, gently but firmly. Hard to do, I know, but it does work.
Those with advanced dementia are seen as toddlers. That nurse was an inspiration for many.

I actually, having now seen this in both parents, disagree with the toddler approach. I am finding much more luck with what I am reading in the book Contented Dementia, which argues for getting inside their paradigms, which do make sense to them. My mom is not illogical--she just has the wrong circumstances. She does not act differently than she did when she was a practicing lawyer. So I can't see infantilizing her and looking at her as a toddler when she pulls the dressing off her wound or she finds a way to cut off the wanderer bracelet they have placed on her, which irritates her. At home, all her life, if something bugged her, she dealt with it herself. When she refuses to go to see the doctor, she is acting as she has always done--she always hated doctors, she never went, and why should this be seen as "misbehaving" or "being difficult" or "obstinant"--all of which my brother and the some of the nurses have seen it as. She is being consistent, she just does not understand where she is or why she has been deprived of agency, why she is not allowed anymore to not sign a legal paper she does not understand--that is imminently sensible, and not at all like a toddler. If she thinks she is on a trip somewhere with well-meaning but bossy waitstaff, then she is reacting in a way that makes sense.

Treating her as a toddler, acting as though these are discipline issues--it doesn't seem effective and I would not want someone talking to me as though I were a toddler at this point, even less if I had reached 90, and had life wisdom to share--she still does, by the way, and it is very different than talking to my 3 year old toddler granddaughter, even if both wear diapers.

Although my 3 year old granddaughter has a lot of life wisdom to share, too, lol.

[herbgeek]

My MIL is also being consistent- like Tybee mentions above- only she's always been demanding and unreasonable and nothing has changed there. :D An example being she doesn't think there is anything wrong with asking someone to drive 80 miles to retrieve something she forgot to pack (and is not essential to her immediate survival), after that person already driven 80 miles that day and already spent the entire day lifting, sorting and cleaning on their day off. She didn't like hearing no, and continued to keep asking it over and over with more insistence. In our case, my husband does need to speak to her like a child. Not infantilizing necessarily, but more in the sense of a parent saying "no, you cannot have that 3rd helping of ice cream".

[dado potato]

I recognize the courage implicit in cleaning out MIL's apartment and visiting her in Assisted Living. In the future staying in touch with her may require effort... it may seem like thankless effort. One can be optimistic that her life will continue to offer laughter, pleasure, joy, and love.

[Zoe Girl]

Have you seen these? They are designed to help with the fidgeting and picking at skin that many people with dementia get.

https://www.google.com/search?q=twiddle+muff+ideas&safe=strict&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=bX-GlyxuxpIAFM%253A%252Cp9ZcVrd8Q9EOLM%252C_&usg=__pYIW66ZJChaPihYxiwPYD42Wl54%3D&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjBrvO6_aDZAhXD44MKHUNQAIkQ9QEIYTAB#imgr c=bX-GlyxuxpIAFM:

[Teacher Terry]

My friend that got dementia young was always the most positive, kind outgoing person you would ever want to meet. I thought for sure that she would adjust to the home after a period of time because she was such a people person and just her attitude and personality in general. Her DH was dying so she had to go into a home. Instead within about 6 weeks she totally lost her mind, withdrew entirely and the doctor said no way did the dementia cause her to go downhill so fast. It was the saddest end for one of the sweetest people I have ever known. Thankfully, her cancer came back and killed her after 18 months.
They say most people adjust after 4 months but you never know.

[iris lilies]

My MIL is also being consistent- like Tybee mentions above- only she's always been demanding and unreasonable and nothing has changed there. :D An example being she doesn't think there is anything wrong with asking someone to drive 80 miles to retrieve something she forgot to pack (and is not essential to her immediate survival), after that person already driven 80 miles that day and already spent the entire day lifting, sorting and cleaning on their day off. She didn't like hearing no, and continued to keep asking it over and over with more insistence. In our case, my husband does need to speak to her like a child. Not infantilizing necessarily, but more in the sense of a parent saying "no, you cannot have that 3rd helping of ice cream".
I see this specific situation as a classic case of drawing boundaries that protect yourself. You dont tell her what she may do, you define what you are not willing to do. So no, you are not willing to drive 80 miles to pick up the melatonin. But if she wishes to hire someone to do that, have at it.

[Teacher Terry]

I agree with IL that is beyond stupid. It sounds like she was always unpleasant and nothing has changed:|(

[JaneV2.0]

I actually, having now seen this in both parents, disagree with the toddler approach. I am finding much more luck with what I am reading in the book Contented Dementia, which argues for getting inside their paradigms, which do make sense to them. My mom is not illogical--she just has the wrong circumstances. She does not act differently than she did when she was a practicing lawyer. So I can't see infantilizing her and looking at her as a toddler when she pulls the dressing off her wound or she finds a way to cut off the wanderer bracelet they have placed on her, which irritates her. At home, all her life, if something bugged her, she dealt with it herself. When she refuses to go to see the doctor, she is acting as she has always done--she always hated doctors, she never went, and why should this be seen as "misbehaving" or "being difficult" or "obstinant"--all of which my brother and the some of the nurses have seen it as. She is being consistent, she just does not understand where she is or why she has been deprived of agency, why she is not allowed anymore to not sign a legal paper she does not understand--that is imminently sensible, and not at all like a toddler. If she thinks she is on a trip somewhere with well-meaning but bossy waitstaff, then she is reacting in a way that makes sense.

Treating her as a toddler, acting as though these are discipline issues--it doesn't seem effective and I would not want someone talking to me as though I were a toddler at this point, even less if I had reached 90, and had life wisdom to share--she still does, by the way, and it is very different than talking to my 3 year old toddler granddaughter, even if both wear diapers.

Although my 3 year old granddaughter has a lot of life wisdom to share, too, lol.

So much wisdom here...
I really, really hope I die before I'm reduced (by others) to the status of "willful toddler."

[Suzanne]

My parents tried so hard to die in their home. We are faced with similar cleanup that you are doing. They can't return home their medical needs are too great. It is heartbreaking to lose your home, and I see how it has caused them to lose their bearings completely. It is just a slow horrifying death. I hope your mil can adjust as this is such a cruel process for someone to be forced by life and bad luck into a nursing home.

I agree. Suddenly you no longer have your home, you’ve lost your personal autonomy, and stuff you valued is being trashed.

My MIL shares a house with us. She’s mentally sharp, physically getting frail. She can be really demanding, territorial, and picky, but she’s lived in this house for close in 50 years. She’s 95 now. I don’t like her, but I wouldn’t want her to wither away in a care home.

[profnot]

OP: take heart.

I moved my elderly mother out of her house - kicking and screaming, phoning at all hours, crying and complaining - into an assisted living home.

3 months later, the complaints became "this place is too nice. I can't afford it."

She could afford it and happily stayed there for many years.

During my early visits, she would start complaining. I would simply leave after telling her I would not listen to complaints unless she was willing to do something to solve the problem.

Behaviour is stronger than words.

[mamalatte]

I interpreted the comment about treating them like a toddler as more a suggestion as to how one can possibly maintain a loving and patient attitude.